Christmas 2011 Back Home Again

This is over due, but I still wanted to share about our Christmas this year. Of course, this Christmas was Isaac's first. This was also the second Christmas spent without Hailey and without my dad. Both of those combined brought their fair share of joy and sorrow.

We spent the week leading up to Christmas and through Christmas in our hometown in Illinois. The trip began with a stressful, long 8 hour drive in the middle of the night (to allow the little one to sleep through the car ride, which he did splendidly). The weekend began with a friend's wedding where Isaac was an absolute doll and adored being oohed and ahhed over. The next day was our first Christmas party with my mom's side of the family. The traveling, plus the previous evening's festivities, plus being in a new place, with 50 some more new faces was a bit much for the little guy. I enjoyed seeing many relatives I hadn't seen since Hailey's memorial service and before that hadn't seen in a couple of years. But in, all honesty, I felt stressed over and sympathizing with Isaac's fussiness. By the fourth day or so, which sure seemed like a long time, Isaac worked himself back into a routine, and we all enjoyed a few low key days. As Christmas approached we attended more parties and made more visits with family and friends. We celebrated 'our' Christmas with Isaac on Christmas Eve morning with my husband's immediate family who we were staying with. Christmas Eve night we enjoyed more gift opening and spent it with my father-in-law's extended family. Christmas day we celebrated and opened gifts with my immediate family. Finally, the day after Christmas, our last family party, with my mother-in-law's side of the family, after which or maybe during (?) we left to drive through the night back home to Tennessee.

That's just skimming the surface of our trip and Christmas though, as alluded to in my previous post.

Going back home to Hailey was more difficult than I'd imagined. My grief resurfaced and surged about within my heart. Living so far away from where she is buried allows me to distance myself from and bury a lot of my grief I realized. I wasn't able to visit her grave for a few days after we arrived. But from the minute we arrived home, I knew she was right down the road from me. The reality of her burial and what we went through two years ago and continue to go through hit hard. My baby's there. That baby who seems like something I only imagined once is real again. She's there. Down the road. In the ground. In her tiny coffin. In her pink polka dot jammies. She's there. I went and visited her, and I couldn't help but literally imagine her below me right there in the cold, hard ground. Grief. Sorrow. There are no words. I cried. I caught myself trying to forbid myself from crying, but I didn't... I released the tears that needed to come. I remember the spring after we first buried her... I thought of it raining on her and I had a strange desire to go stand over her with an umbrella... The similar thoughts and feelings came when I went to see her. It was cold, not the typical cold of a Chicago winter, but cold enough, and all I could think of was how cold her body must be. And that strange desire to find a way to warm her came over me. But knowing she's not there, and what's left of her can't be warmed or cared for... well it's frustrating and painful. We visited her the first time, just my husband and I. Then we visited her a second time to set a new Christmas wreath next to her grave. I bought a special pink butterfly to put on the wreath for her. I don't know why decorating her grave or making it look 'pretty' or 'cared for' matters to me... but it does and it's important. I can't explain it. The final time we went to visit her we brought Isaac with to see his sister. It was cold that day with an extra harsh wind, so Isaac didn't stay out long. My husband took him back to the car, and I read her my Christmas gift to her and Isaac. A beautiful book by Nancy Tilman, Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You. I think I cried every time we visited her. And I cried after we'd come back home. I cried being in that same bedroom we were in almost two years ago where we prepared for her funeral, where I cried all day and night and couldn't sleep and held on to her giraffe. That room is loaded with memories and grief. But this year it had our bundle of joy in it too... which adds a whole new dimension of emotions to it. So of course, needless to say, this Christmas without Hailey was not any easier, and I don't expect it will ever be. But being back home by her was somewhat of a shocking experience of grief, like I was going back to a life I had once forgotten... And the grief was hard to deal with as it was tucked in between all the busyness of people and places and such as well as trying to find where it belonged in the midst of the joy of everything else.



So yes there was joy that was had. There were wonderful memories made. It was great being surrounded with so many people we love and who love us. I had a wonderful time helping Isaac open his presents, loved watching him inquisitively reach for the wrapping paper and pull it, tearing his presents open. Of course he thought the occasion was about eating wrapping paper not about the gifts the paper had wrapped... In my mind I had a notion of what I wanted his first Christmas to be like and how I wanted to commemorate the event... So much so that I nearly ruined Christmas... You see, I had wanted it well documented. Pictures and video. I'd set up the video camera in just the right spot, remembered to press record... Only after opening presents did my husband discover practically none of it recorded because I hadn't cleared out enough space in the memory or the card. I missed recording Isaac's first Christmas. In my mind I catastrophized (making up a word) the event. I felt of course that meant I ruined Isaac's first Christmas, but the truth is, which I realized after I had a mini meltdown freakout, was that he did not care or notice and it did not matter to him. I realized a terrible flaw I have... I'm so focused on getting the right picture or recording every important memory on film or video, etc. that I miss half of what I'm wanting to document. I forget to live in the moment, forget to enjoy to moment. Forget what life's about....

All in all... well there really is no nice, simple, one sentence wrap up to our Christmas... maybe if I wanted to be close and use a cliche... I felt like it was a beautiful mess at times.

Christmas this year was emotional. It was stressful. It was joyful. It was sorrowful. It was everything in between. It was full of wonderful moments that are now wonderful memories. It was full of painful memories as well. Most importantly though, it was full of love.

Merry Christmas, 2011

As those who have lost loved ones know, this time of year can be especially hard. This is my second Christmas without Hailey and my dad, but my first with my baby boy. The week has been full of activities and visits with family and friends as well as with the regular busyness of taking care of a baby which are wonderful things but also make the emotions flowing through my heart this week difficult to process. I've fought to make this Christmas special and make beautiful memories with Isaac for his first Christmas while at the same time fighting to remember Hailey and make her a part of it all and feeling as though I've failed at both to some extent. Needless to say, my heart's been a mess this week and frustratingly so because I've also had to fight to remember the reason behind the season, and I've mostly lost that battle too. It's been difficult to take the time to focus on Christ's birth, on God humbly coming to earth as a baby so that he could live to die... to save me...

And then I read these words tonight and they touched a part of my heart that so needed it. Please read!

Because He Came

Merry Christmas everyone! Happy Birthday Jesus!

Coming home again...

It's been almost a year since we were last home... Since I last visited her resting place here on earth. While we are away living our lives, I often long to be back home so I can visit her. Most people don't understand this longing, and honestly I don't understand it myself most days.

I know without a shadow of a doubt t

I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus

A friend who recently experienced her own loss, shared this poem with me the other day. Brought tears to my eyes. I love it so much I wanted to share it on here.

I see the countless Christmas trees.
Around the world below,
With tiny lights, like heaven’s stars,
Reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular,
Please wipe away that tear.
For I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs,
That people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can’t compare,
With the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you,
The joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description,
To hear an angel sing.
I can’t tell you of the splendor,
Or the peace here in this place.
Can you just imagine Christmas,
With our Savior, face to face?
I’ll ask Him to light your spirit,
As I tell Him of your love;
So then pray for one another,
As you lift your eyes above.
Please let your heart be joyful,
And let your spirit sing.
For I’m spending Christmas in Heaven,
And I’m walking with the King!
I know how much you miss me;
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I’m not so far away,
We really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year.
I send you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory
Of my undying love.
After all “love” is the gift,
More precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do,
For I can’t count the blessings
Or the love He has for you.
So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear.
Remember I’m spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year!
- Author Unknown

{Merry Christmas Hailey. Love you baby girl}.

Isaac's 4 months old!

Today Isaac turns 4 months old. (Happy Birthday baby boy!) This past month has been my favorite and our best so far.

Isaac has been sleeping through the night like a champ! He usually goes to bed between 8 and 9pm and wakes up between 6 and 7:30am. He will sleep anywhere from 7-9.5 hours straight! After his long stretch he will wake up to eat an early morning snack and then drift back to sleep for an hour or two.  He's still sleeping in his little bassinet at night. I attempted the crib one night, and he woke up every hour so I quit that night... We'll try again once we get back from our holiday travels.

He still is not a sleeper during the day. He keeps to sleeping 12 hrs total no matter what the order. His naps are anywhere from 25-55 minutes a piece. This month we began to process of quitting rocking him to sleep for naps, and he's doing ok with it. We're making progress and some days are fabulous, and some days are a bit harder. But all in all Isaac is doing well.

With each passing month and even day we see his personality coming out. He's becoming happier and happier, if that's possible! He's learning and growing so fast! I seriously delight in him sooooo much! He makes my day every day. :)

He is a very smiley baby. He loves watching people and smiling at them and batting his ridiculously long eyelashes. He soaks up the attention; I call him my little ham. He's also become quite the talkative baby making more and more sounds and discovering his voice and it's loudness more and more. I also call him my little squawker. He loves to squawk when he plays, and he loves cooing with his daddy.

He still has an obsession with putting his hands in mouth and chewing and sucking on them. (Well honestly he tries to put amy object within reach in his mouth and if he can't he gets frustrated but not every object is one he ends up wanting, just his hands most of the time). This month his hands finally discovered his feet, and they are by far his new favorite play thing! Getting him out of bed from naps I've discovered him sock less or with wet footies from him sucking on them at some point during nap time!

He also started reaching out more towards objects and grabbing them, which led to his discovery of his second favorite thing - Opie! He loves reaching out to grab Opies nose and lips and ears and eyes and anything his little hands can grab onto. They have great play times together.

Isaac is also discovering he can roll from side to side so he does that a lot when playing on his back and when he goes down for a nap. It's so cute to watch.

He's enjoying tummy time more and more and doing better at it although it's hard to keep him from attacking his hands with his mouth which results in him face planting.  Lately we hold him on his belly and "fly" him around like superman which he likes.

All in all Isaac had a great 4th month! I seriously can't get enough of him and make sure he's covered in kisses over and over again each day which I'm sure he's going to hate within a few years... but his mommy can't help it...

Love you baby boy! You are my handsome little man and you truly are my joy and bring me so much laughter every day!

She would have been 2 today...

(I'm writing this the day before, but will be posting on Hailey's 2nd birthday.)

Hailey...

Where do I start?

First with some lyrics the post title reminds me of... (from Building 429 who the lead singer of also happens to be our worship leader at church)
I was standing in the pour raining
One dark November night
Fighting off the bitter cold
When she caught my eye
Her face was torn and her eyes were filled
And then to my surprise
She pulled out a photograph
And my heart just stopped inside
She said *she would have been *two today
I miss *her smile, I miss *her face
What was I supposed to say
But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Wow that song is more than perfect...Thank you for those words Lord.

Anyway...

I haven't written about her... or anything... in a long time. Mostly because I find myself extremely busy taking care of her brother Isaac and with the other aspects of "real" life. However, there are times I write about her. In fact I've written about her twice this month with intentions to post it, only having read it the next day and finding myself unable to bring myself to do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm a broken record when writing and talking about her, generally saying the same thing again and again...Sometimes what I write is the inner, deepest, most secret, painful places of my heart that I often only gift light to when I write... but those places are painful and hard... and I've written plenty of posts that are heart-wrenching... and to be honest, I'm not sure I can share that pain anymore. I can't pinpoint why. The pain is real. I'm not trying to hide it even years later. But for someone reason it's harder to share. And maybe it's because I don't have the time to devote to writing that my feelings and thoughts deserve.

That's not to be mistaken for me not wanting to share about Hailey or my experience. Oh no. I still have a desire and need to talk about her and keep her memory alive every day. But to explore and share those inner parts of myself related to her is just not something I can fully do anymore. I may after the new year officially take a break from "her" blog for an indefinite period of time... I'm not sure yet.

Anyway, here I am writing about my daughter on the eve of what would have been her 2nd birthday. And as always, I don't know where to begin and I don't want to be a broken record. By now, I've shared her birth story on here over and over, I've shared the experience and my feelings, and the trauma and the joy and the broken dreams and the love and everything in between. It's nothing new. But at the same time, it's her story. It's my story. And I need to remember it and share it.

I'll start with one of "those" posts I wrote last week but never actually posted:

Okay... Anyway, I will share this one post I wrote last week...

 In the quiet of the night I think of you. Often I'm lost in the busyness of the day but even then there are often reminders of you .. But not enough.

It's a little less than a week until your birthday and you are on my mind a lot more throughout my days.

I'm stopping and slowing life down so I can take the proper time to remember you.

They say time heals all wounds but I disagree. Sure life has moved on and my mind and heart are distracted by the here and now...
But the more time passes the less time I devote to truly sit and think of you and linger in my memories and feel...

Today I took the time to stop and tonight I do to and it's heart wrenching..... The wounds are fresh not healed... Never fully healed...

We finally took the boxes of the things we'd saved of yours... That you used and some that we hoped you'd use but never did... We're finally getting rid of them... And while that all initially happened this afternoon, unexpectedly to be honest... I felt myself living on the surface pushing the tears back before they even knew they were supposed to come...

But no. I must stop doing that, I need to feel.

I went through the boxes just to make sure there wasn't anything of yours I wanted to keep... I'm glad I did...

I found your two pink gowns we had for you that you wore in the hospital. The one with the stripes you wore on your one week birthday and looked so adorable in... I looked at it and touched it and could almost smell your sweet birthday cake...

And you know what, my heart broke and I wanted to cry but instead of holding it in I cried. I often don't allow myself to stop and feel anymore because it's hard... But I had to remind myself of who you were to me and the significance of what we went through together.

You were my baby girl. You wore these outfits my fingers are touching... It brings me so close to you again but reminds of how far away you are... And so I cried.

I know you are in Heaven, I know I will see you again one day... But for now it hurts really bad and sometimes I need to take time to sit and think of you and just cry...,

And as I write this I cry and I weep and my chest is tight and my shoulders shake and I can barely see through my tears to write...

I miss you baby girl. I wish I could remember you better... I hate that my memories are fuzzy...

So that's all for now my munchkin... Mommy needs to start this week before your second Birthday by allowing myself to feel my emotions and so it's starting with grief...

Two years later and it's the same struggles... And on the eve of her 2nd birthday, my heart is full of the painful memories of her birth and the struggles of the present.

How do I let go but hold on? How do I grieve her? How do I remember her? Why can't I remember anymore? Why do I talk mechanically about her and force away tears that are desperate to fall? Why do I treat "it all" like it was/ is no big deal? How do I live while a part of me has died?

There are so many sources of frustration... new sources of sorrow as time passes... time will never heal those things... life just gets in the way... and God helps give me tools to get through...

I apologize right now for the jumbled nature of this post... There are so many thoughts and feelings about her... Not enough space or time for them all to be adequately shared...

Here's where I am... Kind of if I can articulate it at all, but words are really failing me today.

Tomorrow my daughter would have turned two. This year I'm having a hard time focusing on the love and joy and celebration of her life (even though that's somewhat of a given), but instead I'm finding myself filled with sorrow for what could have been but isn't.

Going through her boxes reminded me of what we hoped for that didn't happen. The clothes meant for older babies she never wore. The toys meant for her to play with but she never could. And so on... As I see and watch Isaac grow, I'm reminded on what I missed out on with her...  And see, I almost can't write this because I already want to weep...

This may seem really odd and out of place, but I'm reminded of a scene from the  Breaking Dawn movie where the audience "sees" what Jacob "sees" when he imprints on a baby girl...  I long to be him in that moment. I have such a struggle with only knowing Hailey for 36 days... wondering what her smile would have looked like, what her laugh would have sounded like, what she would be like on her 2nd birthday. I think about what she would have looked like as a bride in a white gown... But I can't picture any of these things... I don't know what she would have looked... Would she have looked more like me or more like my husband? Who is/ was she? And there's the struggle of "grieving the child I [knew but] never knew"... So I long to have a moment like Jacob... where seeing a baby he sees all of her, even when she's twenty... But in some ways, I wonder if that scene will be something like I will experience in heaven.. I know odd right, talking about Breaking Dawn and heaven... But I often wonder how I'll know her in heaven... What will she look like? I imagine her being a little girl with long flowing brown hair... But I don't know what she'll look like, but I know I'll know her. So I wonder if I will have a moment like in his vision...

And on her birthday, my imagination will probably create something like that in my mind... Trying to picture as a healthy child, beautiful, running through fields of wildflowers, playing in a stream, giggling, and so on... Maybe that's my birthday gift to her... imagining what I hope to experience one day with her.

~ ~ ~ ~

My Dearest Hailey,

Happy Birthday baby girl. You came into our lives two years ago, but, for now, will always be 5 weeks old in our eyes. For now that time seems much too brief, but one day we will have an eternity to spend with you. We miss you for now, and we long for the day when Jesus reunites us with you in Heaven. It's my prayer that God sends along this birthday message to you as well as all my other loving thoughts and feelings toward you. I pray he shares with you a smile, a kiss, and a long warm embrace on my behalf. For now I imagine you and see you in my dreams, those are far better sometimes than the painful memories of your life when you were sick and hurting. I'm so thankful for the wonderful hope I have that Jesus makes possible that one day everything will be wonderful again. We love you so much and always will. Happy Birthday my beautiful baby girl. Mommy is so proud of you and loves you so much. Words will always fail to capture the depths of my feelings for you, but I know you know.

Love you always and forever,

Your Momma

 

~ ~ ~ ~

So what are we doing on her birthday tomorrow?

A part of me desperately desires to visit her at her grave...  I'd loved to have visited her. Spent some time in prayer by her and before the Lord. Left her with a pink rose and butterfly balloon.

To "celebrate" and remember her 2nd birthday tomorrow, but unfortunately that's impossible since we're separated by miles. So instead, I'm doing the best thing I can think to do on her birthday. Visit another place that brings her back to me... unfortunately it wasn't the happiest of times spent there... but it's a place that connects us nonetheless.

So tomorrow, my husband and I along with Hailey's brother are driving down to Birmingham, AL to donate care packages from Hailey's Hope to Hailey's NICU to help other families who are in our shoes two years ago. We're donating 36 packages (one for each day of her life). It's about a 3-4 hour drive... First long trip with Isaac... A lot of time to remember and think which is good and bad in some ways... We'll drive there, drop the packages off, probably walk around the hospital (won't go in the NICU due to hospital policy), but probably walk by it... (this all has potential to bring up painful memories and tears, but that's okay, I am letting myself cry tomorrow and not allowing myself to put up barriers)... This year will be different than last year's birthday delivery. This year my husband will be with and of course our son. I know we'll be telling and showing Isaac things related to his sister... And while I want to do that and will do that... It's heartbreaking that this is our life... that he has a sister but doesn't...   Anyway, most likely after our visit to the hospital we'll grab something to eat and then head back home for the 3-4 hour drive... It's going to be a long day, but I pray it's everything it needs to be for our family.

.... Happy Birthday baby girl...

Isaac, 3 Months

Yesterday Isaac turned 3 months old. Here is my little blurb of an update about him this past month (pardon any typos - wrote it on my phone and don't have much time to correct :P )

This month Isaac is growing into a little man. He has mastered what I call the Kung Fu baby grip. He's been not only reaching for toys and objects but he's holding on to them, pulling them toward his mouth, and chewing them. Also Speaking of his mouth he can't keep his hands out of it! He loves sucking and chewing on his thumbs, fingers, and whole fists. I'm wondering if he's teething as he is also producing massive amounts of drool comparable to his K9 companion. He's getting better at tummy time but still needs lots of work and practice. He enjoys it when I lay on my back and put him with his tummy to my shins and I lift him horizontally in the air. In fact I got his first true laugh this way a couple of weeks ago. Which brings me to my next point that he has been so vocal and smiley this month. He loves to talk and does a lot of it. His laughs come out mostly as little coughs or screeches. I love it all. I also love how much his sleep has improved. I transitioned him to napping in his bassinet in his room during the day, then to his crib during the day, and now he sleeps in his crib during the day and his bassinet in his room at night. He's fallen into a 3hr routine of eat, play, sleep pretty naturally with a little guidance from me. He started sleeping 3hrs at a time at night and had a couple 4 or 5 hr stretches here and there. Last week I officially declared he slept through the night when he slept from 11p to 5am! This month he also had a drs appt where he weighed in at just under 13lbs and is 24.5in tall. He's also gaining more and more muscle strength and control of his body - he may have rolled out of his inclined chair a time or two, he rolls onto his side a lot trying to get his hands in his mouth, and he has in general become a wiggle worm so he now definitely gets buckled into everything and we hold on extra tight to him. He's growing up so fast! I love him so much!

Babies

This week I have been inundated with babies. People having them, people being pregnant and just sharing the news - it's pure wonderful baby craziness and I thank God he has blessed me with Isaac otherwise I know this time would be a little hard as it was after losing Hailey and being around pregnant women and babies....

Yet this is hard in a new way I'm finding. It seems "everyone" in my life is getting pregnant or having their 2nd baby in this current season of my life. I suddenly find thoughts popping into my head like "oh how wonderful... I want a second baby too" and then I catch myself. I already had my second baby. Isaac is my second baby. I am actually ahead of my "crowd" with second babies.... But the only thing is I have one baby to show for it, as horrible as it sounds.

I always wanted two babies ... And I had two babies... Only I don't. Instead of growing up a little brother, Isaac will grow up an only child as it is right now. And so it's strange this new place I'm at... Frustrated and sad that Isaac's my second baby but feels like my first and is my first in so many ways... Sad that Hailey has no place in our current life or future with our family...

But I am also reminded that even though it may seem that "everyone" is pregnant again, "everyone" really isn't... Life is still fragile. Babies are still miracles. And I'm reminded of friends suffering through miscarriages and infertility right now. Getting pregnant, having a healthy baby, it's not as easy or as common as it may seem sometimes.

(And please no comments about us and our family's future in terms of children. First, we have not crossed that threshold yet nor are we in anyway prepared to go there. This is simply my reflection on my current situation. Second, having another child does not replace the point of this post which is about the void that is left after burying our first child - nothing replaces that child.)

Isaac 2 Months (a little late)...

So I missed my post about Isaac at 2 months old... A couple of weeks late... But better late than never!

Isaac has grown into his 3 mo and 3-6 mo size clothes in fact right now he's wearing a 6 mo outfit and I had to retire the 3 mo outfit he had on last night. We held him up to his growth chart and it says he's 24 inches! He is growing so big so fast!

He's doing really well at holding his head up on his own. He's working on his tummy time but finds it very frustrating. We bought him a bumbo off craigslist and he's sat in it a few times.

Mostly he likes to coo and talk and smile and giggle. I love that we can smile at him and make him giggle. It's the best. He truly lives up to his name! He is a joy and is guaranteed to make me smile and laugh even when I'm frustrated. When he's not laughing and talking he's busy eating his hands and sucking his thumb. He's so cute.

He still struggles with sleep and being soothed once he gets fussy, but he's definitely a much happier baby now that we've figured out most of his food sensitivities. This past week he slept like a dream but not this weekend! But for the most part he's fallen into a 3 hr routine of eat, play, sleep.

This week he gave me a heart attack when he rolled himself off his little inclined chair and face planted onto our bed, but he didn't seem to mind at all. As he gains more awareness of his body, he rubs and scratches his face a ton when he's sleepy which of course just keeps him awake.  He makes more and more eye contact and is definitely starting to follow us and recognize faces and gets a little scared or unsure about new faces.

That's about it for now! Need to wrap this up before the little monster wakes up!

My 2nd Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance

Today, October 15th, has been nationally recognized as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Last year was the first time I became aware of this day and participated in it in memory of Hailey. We had a wonderful time remembering her and celebrating our daughter as well as helping others remember their babies. You can read about it here (and I hope that you do!).

Today is my second time recognizing this day and remembering Hailey and the other babies I know who have left us too soon.

Unfortunately we were unable to find any events in our area to attend and with Isaac we were unable to arrange anything ourselves.

However, today we went on our own little family walk in some beautiful fall weather. We went to the Greenway, this beautiful walking path in our area, and Josh walked Opie and I pushed Isaac in the stroller (to start). We walked a little farther than Isaac could stand so he got a bit fussy; we ended the walk with me walking Opie and pushing the stroller and Josh carrying Isaac. :) I wore my t-shirt from last year's walk that we participated in.

And tonight in about 30 minutes we will participate in the event that takes place around the world at 7pm wherever you are known as the Wave of Light. At 7pm we will light a candle for Hailey. I will light the same one I bought last year just for this occasion. It has what has become my life verse on it which is because of my daughter. It's a reminder of her and of God and all that He's done and will do.

Of course if I ever take a true moment to be still and silent and remember my daughter, it's filled with emotions, the strange mixture of joy and sorrow. Today I haven't had a moment to myself to do that yet, but I've still thought of her a little extra today and feel full of God's peace. I think her "rainbow" brother is helping to further heal my heart in a unique way that I'll try to write about some day.

I've stolen a moment at the computer to write this blog while Hailey's brother naps on his napping daddy's chest. But I know this moment will be short and Isaac will awaken before I know it so I need to wrap this up.

Thank you to everyone who has remembered Hailey and isn't afraid to mention her name. Your support means the world and also helps soothe my broken heart.

Praying for peace for all the families out there remembering their babies. May you find hope and joy as you trust in God with what you're enduring. (Rm. 15:13)

Part of Me…
I thought of you with love today, but that is nothing new.
I thought about you yesterday and the day before that too.
I think of you in silence. I often say your name.
But all I have are memories and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake, with which I’ll never part.
God has you in His keeping. I have you in my heart.
I shed tears for what might have been. A million times I’ve cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
In life I loved you dearly. In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place, no one can ever fill.
It broke my heart to lose you, but you didn’t go alone.
For part of me went with you, the day God took you home.
-Author unknown

 

Love you baby girl! Jesus give her extra squeezes and snuggles and kisses from me today!

Isaac & Hailey

(Written Sunday night)

Well life continues on... And my blogging continues to fall behind. Finding time to sit down at my computer and write is nearly impossible, heck holding onto a thought long enough to write it down is nearly impossible these days since I've become so scatter brained. But I miss blogging a lot so right now let me share with you how I am writing this ...

I am trying to put Isaac to sleep so he is in my left arm being supported by my boppy while I rock him and hold his paci in his mouth with my right hand so that leaves my left hand free... Therefore in writing this by holding my phone in my hand and typing it with my thumb, which is now actually beginning to cramp...

But anyway. Our new family is doing well. Isaac is no longer so fussy or crying inconsolably from pain since we're now dealing with his reflux and food allergies. We continue to learn about each other and what he likes and dislikes. The only issue we're tackling is his lack of sleep and just not being a good sleeper. But we are all functioning well and starting to get out of the house more and more little by little so that feels good.

Today Isaac turned 7 weeks old. I'm absolutely in love with his smiles and giggles and baby talk. He enjoys his bouncy chair and play gym. He likes to look in mirrors a lot. He's finally starting to grab onto things. Last night he took his first bottle of breastmilk from his dad and did awesome (although it made me a little sad). He's learning and growing so fast. I love it! I rejoice in him every day and try to pour on as much love and care as I can... In fact sometimes I feel myself giving him a double dose of love for him and his sissy in heaven (if that's possible or makes sense).

He's still and will forever be my dream come true... My rainbow baby as some baby lost mothers would say... There continue to be times where he feels too good to be true...

I can really send his birth announcements? I can really decorate his nursery? I can really take him to the store with me? I can really buy him bigger clothes because he continues to grow? I can really buy him toys because he's learning skills that enable to play with them?

I can go on and on... Asking myself those questions and answering affirmatively feels so amazing and brings so much joy I can't describe it. I am so thankful for it.

The best moment came a few weeks ago when we took our first trip to Babies R Us post pregnancy with him. That was the first time it sank in that I did indeed have a baby to buy for. I could buy those cute little baby Nikes I just sawed and oohed and aahed over if I wanted to for him. I could buy all the outfits that are just too cute and adorable instead of just admiring and hoping. I finally can fulfill many of my dreams and that day I was just giddy with delight in the store. I love it. I love him. And those are such understatements.

But I continue to miss his sister in different ways now as we do life with him...

The other night as I rocked him to sleep I thought of her but I couldn't picture her. I sat looking at Isaac thinking of how he reminds me of her and suddenly I couldn't separate them. Then I couldn't picture her. I was forgetting what she looked like, what she sounded like ... It was as though my present with Isaac was wiping away or replacing my past memories of her... And I began to softly weep... I couldn't picture her. I tried to think back to a specific memory and imagine her face and couldn't. I started to grieve harder and harder in that moment. The ache of missing her gained back its intensity, and I did all I could do which was sit there and rock my baby boy in the night and look at the pictures of Hailey from the Facebook album on my phone... I needed to see her and I couldn't do it on my own. So I sat looking at many pictures of her but honestly found myself skipping a lot because I couldn't bear to remember some of the memories... Eventually the tears stopped as they always do, but the void she left forever remains.

We quickly approach her second birthday and while more and more time passes, we continue to grieve and will every day for the rest of our lives... But the hard thing remains feeling alone in it as everyone else goes on without her.

I want to do another large delivery for Hailey's Hope on her birthday like I did last year but I'm having trouble fundraising and getting support. This year her birthday delivery will be special because Isaac will be there. He will start to learn about his sissy and see the hospital she was in. But it will be extra emotional having him there... So I'm going to start praying now that her birthday delivery will be everything I hope and that we will be able to celebrate her life like I want to.

Can I Keep You?

(Disclaimer: Sad Post)

Today is a significant day and because of that I'm making it a priority to write this post. Yes today is significant because it's the 10 year anniversary of September 11th, but I am not going to write about that.

Today Isaac is 5 weeks old. Not as significant as his one month birthday this past week, which I wanted to write a post on but didn't have the time for of course, but today his being 5 weeks old is significant to my heart because of his sister.

I remember back to the day Hailey turned 5 weeks old, and what I didn't know then that I know now is that it would be our last day with her. We would wake up the next day, Hailey being 5 weeks 1 day old and find that she had passed away some time while we were sleeping that morning.

Every time I hold him I think of her. Today every time I hold him, I can't help but put him in Hailey's place... I can't help but imagine that today would be our last day with him. Of course, I can't go to that place of thought for long otherwise I would become much too depressed today. But nonetheless, today I remember Hailey as I look at Isaac and as I look at Isaac I pray that today would not be our last with him and that we would have many many many more to come.

There have been many times over the past few weeks where I can't help but be afraid to lose him too, where I can't help but look lovingly upon him and think he's too good to be true. I literally ask Isaac, "Can I keep you?" and I ask God, "Can I keep him?"

The week before last, when I was still being extremely sleep deprived, any time I had a minute of shut eye, I would dream some crazy dreams. One night in the very early hours of the morning, Isaac had fallen asleep finally and so it was my turn. Unfortunately, I would rather not have fallen asleep. I dreamed the worst nightmare I had ever dreamed before. And one of the most horrible things about it was that like all of my sleep deprived dreams it was entirely too realistic and often based on something that was really happening that day. So this dream was not only horrific but felt extremely real and was occurring as though it was happening in real time.

In my nightmare, I awoke to find Isaac with his eyes closed and limp, thinking he was finally in a deep sleep only to realize he in fact wasn't breathing... and he had died in his sleep. Without going into all the details that followed in my dream because they are too graphic and sad, in my nightmare I essentially went through all the motions and emotions that I went through the day Hailey died. I awoke from my dream crying which turned into a hysterical cry because it felt so real, and my emotions were extremely real. Thankfully it was time for me to nurse Isaac so I was able to kiss and cuddle him and be assured that he was okay. While I nursed him I prayed against continued bad dreams; however, the next time I was able to fall asleep that morning my nightmare picked up right where it left off, and I was dreaming about planning his funeral...

I wonder if these types of nightmares are something other parents experience who have lost a child and go on to have a healthy child or already do have other living children...

So today, remembering that the last day I spent with Hailey was when she was 5 weeks old which is how old Isaac is today, I'm a little saddened of course, but more so I'm trying to use the remembrance to embrace and love on Isaac and others since we never know when that last day may come.

Hopefully next time I have a chance to write I can write a more upbeat post about Isaac and our life together like I've been wanting to. Until then, as you remember and never forget September 11th, let that day and this post and our experience with our daughter remind you to do the same: embrace and love on the people in your life because you never know when it will be your last day to do so...

 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Isaac, 1 Month

Dear Isaac,

You are a month old today! It's so hard to believe how quickly the time has gone by already. I thought I'd write you a little note to tell you a little bit about you and our life together so far.

First of all, I love you to pieces, and you bring me so much joy.

You are quite the strong little fellow. We've been trying tummy time lately, but you don't seem to like it too much yet although you can lift your head and turn it fairly well. You have pretty much outgrown your newborn outfits - those that we still have you wearing are a wee bit too tight so for the most part you have graduated to your 3 month outfits. At your latest trip to the pediatrician you weighed 9lbs 12 oz. You've been to the pediatrician on several occasions, once for your check up at a few days old, once for your 2 week check up where you received your first vaccine, once not too long after to see what was going on with your extreme fussiness at which point we figured you were probably intolerant to mommy eating dairy and egg products, and the last time was in regards to your fussiness as well at which point we were wondering if you had a little bit of acid reflux so we decided to try you on some medicine to see if it helps you for that. You've also seen a chiropractor twice in hopes that would help you would feel better too. Trust me, mommy and daddy have done everything we can to make you a happier baby.

You've been quite the challenge for mommy and daddy to figure out, but we continue to learn about you and your needs and what you're signaling to us. You spent more time than I'd like to say crying and fussing and not sleeping, which again we eventually attributed to tummy problems (so we put you on gas relief drops), dairy/ egg intolerance (so mommy cut those out of her diet), and possibly reflux (so we put you on some medicine like I mentioned and started putting you to sleep in a special inclined chair or in your swing which is also on an incline). Some days you would be awake for 7 hours straight and barely sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time. Those days made mommy very sleep deprived.

Thankfully we've been making progress together. You sleep an average of 12 hours a day (which is on the low end for how much most babies typically sleep) and you sleep anywhere from 1-3 hours at a time - leaving mommy still sleep deprived but not as much. It's possible that you just don't sleep a lot, but it's more likely that you have trouble calming yourself and soothing yourself to sleep. You tend to fall asleep nursing, and I continue to rock you for about 20 minutes until you're into your deep sleep before I put you down. You love being held, walked around in someone's arms, rocked in someone's arms, and rocked in the rocking chair. Sometimes when you're fussing you like to be put on my shoulder and just hang out there resting for a bit. Sometimes mommy would sing you lullabies or various worship songs. I sing you that mockingbird song and you are my sunshine a lot - so glad you can't critique my awful voice yet - I wonder how long until you tell me you can stand my singing! For a long time you were very upset any time you were awake and not in someone's arms, which made life a little difficult when mommy was by herself taking care of you. We also gave you a pacifier once it was clear you had taken to nursing well. Mommy was very nervous to give you a paci, but we did and that has helped you a lot too - you love to suck on it and it helps kick in your calming reflexes.

As far as bath time is concerned, you love it. We take family baths together in the big tub. One of us is with you in the bath and holds you while the other washes you.

Recently things have been going better (probably because Grandma Cetty came to help). You seem to be more on a schedule but not quite. You tend to sleep for about 1-3 hours, wake up for a changing, nurse (maybe have a burp or change mid-way through), and fall asleep nursing. During the day you tend to have one or two wide awake periods that can last a few hours (sometimes you stay awake too long and then get crabby because you're over tired). Recently you started liking your bouncing seat more and don't mind being put down to be played with instead of being in someone's arms.

 

Comparing

As was to be expected, I don't have as much time to devote to my blog these days so I can't write as often as I'd like. However, on our good days when Isaac is sleeping and has allowed me to see a reasonable amount of sleep (like today!), I will try to write if I can.

Isaac is about two and a half weeks old now. We are still working on settling into a routine. Unfortunately he doesn't follow the schedule of sleeping 14-18 hrs a day for 2-3 hrs at a time like most newborns, and when he is awake he has some extreme bouts of fussiness which are related to some tummy/ allergy issues he has on top of the normal-newborn-baby-adjusting-to-the-world-issues. Thankfully, not every day is a rough one, and the "happy" days are treasured and help us recover from the long and tiring ones. But no matter how "rough" life seems with him, I always know it's really not that bad. I have "really bad" to compare it too. In fact, I find myself comparing Isaac to Hailey often.

During the days and nights when I'm running on a few hours total of sleep, feeling sleep deprived and at my wits end with trying to console Isaac by rocking him for what seems like hours at time, my initial reaction is to be frustrated and upset and wanting my free time back... But then I remember it could be worse and to be thankful for what I have. I become thankful that he is here with me and suddenly what was a frustrating and seemed like a "bad" moment becomes one I want to freeze and remain in forever... The moment where I am rocking him in my arms, held close to my chest where I can cover him in kisses and breathe in his smell and where I can stare at him endlessly and play with his tiny toes... And ultimately I am reminded that he is safe and healthy and at home, and I correct my emotions to ones of gratitude.

However, those "rough" moments Isaac has, which thankfully are becoming less and less, have been extra sensitive for me. While I remind myself of what I just wrote above, I realize why it is so difficult for me sometimes to handle some of his cries - the cries that are more like blood curdling screams, where his face turns red, where he arches his back, where he tries to signal to me that he's in pain and not just fussing. It's because he reminds me of his sissy, and my heart breaks, for both of them. Hailey had her moments of crying the same way. The inconsolable crying of pain which involves the entire body going stiff and rigid. Her pain that we couldn't take away. Her pain that we couldn't solve or fix. Her pain that made and still makes my heart break. And when Isaac does the same, he's so much like her. So my heart breaks for her and the pain we couldn't take away, and my heart breaks for Isaac because as his momma I just want to take his pain away and fix it, but again, I don't know how.

Sometimes he looks so much like her I can hardly believe it.  His little round face, his little eyes, his little mouth, his soft hair that's extra long in back... They are hers... The reminder of her makes my heart happy and sad at the same time.

Sometimes when he's sleeping he looks like her when she'd sleep, especially when he falls asleep with his mouth open because that's how she always slept... At first I found myself checking on him often when he was asleep... in all honesty checking to make sure he was still breathing... that was something that was difficult and I hadn't expected to experience, but it's no wonder I did after losing Hailey in her sleep. I have to remind myself even when I see him sleeping so peaceful and still as his sissy would, he is not her... but I still check.

I started to tell him about his sister the other day. Tears started to come to my eyes as I realized that some day he will start to make sense of the stories we tell him about her. Some day he will learn his sissy died. Some day he will visit her grave and understand what it means. Those thoughts break my heart, for me, for him.

There are many days when life feels near perfection since Isaac has been home with us. Days where my heart bursts with love over our little family. But on those days, I especially miss Hailey because the truth is our family is incomplete without her.

Not having her here makes some days feel strange, like Isaac is our first child, not our second... But the reality is he will be the first in many ways. Somehow I will need to come to terms with that since that makes it easy to for Hailey to be overlooked or forgotten.

It's astonishing to me how different Isaac's entrance into the world and life has been in comparison to Hailey's. His really seemed so perfect and beyond my wildest dreams, full of nothing but joy while hers was... well as I've written about many times before, traumatic. Those first hours and days with Isaac were heavenly, quiet, peaceful, where we were free to live and love and time didn't matter. I never knew giving birth could be such a wonderful experience... Having experienced it this time made the experience with Hailey that much more difficult to think back on. When going through the experience with Hailey we had nothing to compare it too, but in and of itself, it was... again, traumatic, but now to compare it to how good things can be that so many others get to experience... it made me feel ... almost 'robbed' (for lack of a better word) with Hailey... This time I didn't imagine what we missed out on with her, I lived it and experienced it firsthand. I saw how good "it" could be and how bad it was with her. And it broke my heart to know what she, and we, missed out on.

At the same time, her situation cannot be changed, but can only be learned from and used for good. So I am thankful for the experience because it has made me sensitive to a world I hadn't known existed, that of the NICU and the babylost parents. And more importantly, it has made me more appreciative for what we have with Isaac. All the things most parents take for granted, I know I never will.  I will always have a reason to be thankful and rejoice even in what seems to be the difficult moments.

So while we  deal with dirty diapers, spit up, getting peed on, crying, fussiness, lack of sleep, and the normal baby life that can have it's moments of frustration with new parents, I am so very thankful for them and wouldn't have life any other way. I will change the way I eat, I will function on no sleep, I will rock him for hours on end, I will do it all with a grateful heart because I'm doing it at all. Because I know it could be worse. I know what it's like to call a NICU a home, I know what it's like to have the opportunity to sleep a full eight hours a night because of visiting hours and being sent "home" to a Ronald McDonald House, I know what it's like to have a crying baby and not be able to hold her, I know what it's like to have an IV "nourishing" my child instead of me, I know what it's like to pray for a dirty diaper and rejoice when one comes and cry when it doesn't, I know what it's like to watch my child sleep because I'm praying that her breathing doesn't stop, I know what it's like to listen to beeps and alarms instead of lullabies and soothing sounds...

With all that said, a lot of my thoughts and emotions related to Isaac and Hailey still go unmentioned as I've only skimmed the surface of most... and I'm sure it's just the beginning. All I know is that I love both my babies with all my heart, and not having one here makes me love and appreciate every second I have with the other that much more.

Naming Isaac

Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them." Psalm 126:2

As most of you know, my husband and I chose to keep our son's name a secret during our pregnancy. Mostly I wanted to wait to reveal his name once he was born because of our experience sharing our daughter's name. With her I learned that everyone feels welcome to give his/her opinion and inclined to comment on the name choice even if they don't like it. Unfortunately when we told people we were naming our daughter Hailey, we had several of them tell us in their own words that they didn't like her name, which offended and hurt me because I took it very personally. Therefore, this time I wanted to wait to reveal our baby boy's name until after he was born to avoid this since most negative comments and opinions go unmentioned for some odd reason once the baby has arrived.

Now that our son's name, Isaac Ryan, has been officially released, I want to share how this came to be his name.

I knew from the very beginning, or maybe even before the beginning, that I wanted his name to be a Biblical and meaningful name. Initially I liked the name Luke - my husband preferred Lucas, but I also began to think creatively about our family's first initials: H (our daughter), J (my husband), and K (myself) - realizing if we had a son's name beginning with the letter "I" then we would have H, I, J, K - get it? We'd all be right next to each other in the alphabet. From there I needed to come up with some Biblical "I" names. Initially Isaiah came up, which I liked but didn't seem fitting for our baby boy, and of course Isaac came up, but I too felt unsure about it since it wasn't a name that would have come up had I not wanted to make it fit my criteria.

Around this time we were part of a Bible study that was studying the story of Abraham and Isaac - one that I was vaguely familiar with but had never read or studied before. As we read through Genesis 22 and became familiar with the earlier parts of Abraham, Sarah, and Isaac's story in chapters 17-18, I became intrigued by the meaning of the name Isaac and a deep connection to their story.

First, considering Isaac was one of the names we'd been thinking about I was happy to learn that the Hebrew meaning of it is "laughter"  or "he will laugh," which in chapter 21 of Genesis can be associated with a laughter resulting from joy. I thought that is a lovely meaning for a name.

But more importantly I related to both Sarah and Abraham to some extent. Here they were being told by the Lord that they would have a son when everything else (primarily being infertile due to old age) was saying it was impossible, and in fact Sarah first laughs in disbelief almost as though she thinks sarcastically to herself, "Yeah right God, that's not possible." In my case, I was given enough reason to believe we might not be able to have a healthy baby. I can't remember what our initial odds were to have a baby with Trisomy 18 - something like 1 in 3,000 or 6,000 - something very small, but once we did have one child with a Trisomy the chances of our next child having a Trisomy increased to 1 in 99 which to me were frightening odds. While my situation may not have seemed all that impossible compared to Abraham and Sarah's, I nonetheless felt at times that it would be impossible for me to have a healthy baby.

Of course God did fulfill his promise to Abraham, and Sarah gave birth to Isaac.  Again the Bible records Sarah laughing, but this time her laughter stems from joy at the birth of her son and God keeping his word to do something she thought would never happen.  While God did not promise me a healthy baby, I did feel him telling my heart we would have another child, and I would just need to trust him on the  details. God even allowed me to envision this child, and I could imagine a healthy little boy running around our house (which is also why I guessed our baby was a boy once we did get pregnant). For some reason I wasn't able to envision Hailey in the same way so it gave me hope that our next pregnancy and baby would be different and healthy. And even if that was just me and not a God thing, reading about Sarah and Isaac gave me hope. I longed to give birth to a healthy son  and laugh with joy over God's miracle like Sarah.

But back to Genesis 22 where this all started for me. God calls upon Abraham to trust him and asks him to make a sacrifice.  In case you don't know the story, God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham obeyed, but thankfully before he could kill Isaac, God intervened, saving Isaac. Abraham demonstrated his trust and a faithful obedience to the Lord; he showed God that he would not withhold anything from him, not even his own child, that he was willing to give God everything. After reading this, which again happened while I was a few months pregnant with my own son and struggling because of what happened with Hailey, I realized I was having a hard time trusting God and was withholding my trust when it came to my son. I wanted to be able to have a faith like Abraham's, but more importantly, I saw this pregnancy as my opportunity to show God I trusted hum whether he called me to 'sacrifice' my son to a lethal chromosomal disorder again or whether he would 'save' my son from it. Of curse, I hoped God would spare my son like he spared Isaac in the Bible.

After learning about the Biblical Isaac's life and the Hebrew meaning of his name, it became pretty clear that Isaac would be quite fitting for our baby boy's name. Of course the real test came from practicing the name on our baby boy, and when we did it felt completely right, almost as though God had chosen this name for our son. Isaac was really never one of my favorite baby boy names, but God made it clear that this was to be his name, and I have come to love it.

Out of all the history behind Isaac's name, I do still love it's meaning because our Isaac has certainly lived up to it; he has made me laugh with joy for the miracle that he is. And I pray that our Isaac will have a long life and continue our family tree (something I had once feared may never happen), just as was true with Isaac in the Bible.

"I will surely bless you and make your descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will take possession of the cities of their enemies, and through your offspring all nations on earth will be blessed^,because you have obeyed me.” Gen. 22:17

(Oh and I can't forget to mention that our Isaac shares his middle name with his daddy's middle name, like Hailey had my middle name for hers.)

Isaac Ryan's Birth Story

Finally the post you (I) have been waiting for!

Our baby boy, Isaac Ryan, arrived at 2:38am on Sunday, August 7, 2011 (I was 40 weeks 3 days along) weighing 8 pounds 3 ounces and measuring 20 and a half inches long! He is beautiful and healthy and perfect in every way!

He and his birth were wrapped in prayer since day one, and it has been amazing to see how God has answered so many of those prayers and most of all to see my wildest dreams about Isaac's arrival turn out to be what God had planned as well. (Thank you Jesus!)

Of course the only thing I can compare my experience with Isaac to is my experience with Hailey, and I don't think there are enough words to explain how different my two experiences have been. There are numerous times throughout my day every day since Isaac has arrived where I wonder if this is really my reality, where things feel too good to be true, where things are better than I even had dreamed or imagined.  I never knew "this" side of having a baby... I never knew things could be "this" good... this perfect... this joyful... But they are.

So let me tell you about his birth story...

In last couple of weeks of my pregnancy I began to have noticeable Braxton-Hicks contractions. At my 38 week appointment with my midwife I was 2cm dilated and 75 percent effaced. Unfortunately, at my 39 and 40 week appointment things were the same. And so my due date came and went. Since the appointment where I found out my body was beginning to make the changes it would need to deliver Isaac, I began, with my midwife's consent, to try a variety to natural ways to induce labor: evening primrose oil, red raspberry leaf tea, walking, and more. At 40 weeks my midwife told me we would wait another week and see how things were progressing at 41 weeks if I still hadn't had Isaac. Thankfully this was possible because both Isaac and I were doing quite well.

Isaac's due date was Wednesday, August 3rd. By Friday, August 5th my Braxton-Hicks were getting more and more noticeable, so much so that at one point Friday evening they were becoming regular although not more intense. I began to hope and pray that real labor was not too far away. Saturday morning around 5:45am I woke up from a mildly painful contraction and began timing how far apart they were coming. They almost seemed regular for about an hour but not quite and just at the one hour mark when I was ready to call my midwife and update her on my contractions, they began to go away. But I hopped in the shower bright and early anyway in preparation that things might change. Once they seemed to disappear, I went back to sleep and managed to get a couple of more hours of shut eye late in the morning.

Throughout the day Saturday my contractions came and went irregularly and varying in degrees of pain. Clearly hoping this was my body going through the early stage of labor, I continued to try all methods of helping induce labor, so we went out and grabbed me some eggplant Parmesan for lunch. Around 7pm my contractions came back, more painful, and more regular. I timed them for an hour, and they were coming every 2-6 minutes and after an hour they were continuing. So I called my midwife and then my husband and let them know we were going to labor and delivery to get checked out (since we had a 45 minute drive ahead of us to get to the hospital).

Once we were in the car on our way to the hospital my contractions slowly began to, I thought, disappear again - they slowed to about 10 minutes between contractions - at that point I was afraid that I was having false labor or would go to labor and delivery and they would tell me to go back home. Thankfully, by the time we arrived and checked in, the contractions were back and growing stronger and stronger. When the midwife on call was finally able to come check me around 10pm I was shocked when she told me I was 6cm dilated - for only really having felt my contractions for about 2 or 3 hours (and not having them be painful really) that was wonderful news to my ears!

From there we waited for my room to open. I was so delighted when they offered me their one room with a tub for laboring in! Usually it's in use or there's a waiting list for it! But I got it! So of course once we were able to get into my room we started the bath right away. At this point it was about 11pm and the bath was starting, my husband and I walked out to the parking garage to grab our belongings (my choice to walk around in hopes of speeding things up) and we had permission to walk around until midnight. It was so funny to be 6cm dilated and having fairly intense contractions and be walking around the hospital and outside. It was a sense of freedom I had not during my labor with Hailey. It was amazing! At this point I'm not sure how frequent my contractions were, but they were coming fairly frequently and were fairly painful, but not bad. Around midnight I went into the bath and it felt amazing on my muscles and definitely made the contractions seem less intense. The best was having my husband aim the hose on my lower back during a contraction - it felt so good! At one point while I was in labor in the tub I was laughing and telling my husband how fun this labor actually was. Seriously, I was having fun in labor! It was crazy but true!

I could have stayed in the tub forever, but I was getting pruney and it was irritating me so I got out. My midwife checked me again around 1am and I was dilated to 8cm. My contractions were pretty frequent and painful at this point, but so far I was managing them well and not even really making any noises. A contraction would come, I would get into a position that seemed least painful, usually standing up, bending over, and using my arms to support me on a chair. At this point I wouldn't want anyone to talk to me or touch me, I just kind of would get into a zone, focus on my breathing, and let it pass. Eventually with the pain kicking up, I went into the shower so I could have hot water aimed on my lower back again, which again felt so good.

Around 1:30am the contractions seemed to be reaching their peak intensity and were quite painful. Thankfully they were nothing near as horrifying or as painful as they were when I was laboring naturally with Hailey under the awful affects of pitocin. At that point we were just waiting for me to get the urge to "bare down." My water still had not broken and my midwife explained it probably wouldn't until I started pushing (something about the position of my cervix and baby's head and there being no fluid in between. Somewhere around 2am I began pushing. Surprisingly pushing felt so good. My midwife had many wonderful suggestions for different positions for me to try when pushing. I'm not sure at what point but my water did eventually break while I was pushing. Again, surprisingly, my contractions were giving me a break that allowed me to rest between pushing sessions. I felt much more exhausted than I did in pain, which again was surprising to me. As he began to make it further and further down the birth canal and was getting to close to crowning, obviously the pain was pretty intense - but nothing like it was with Hailey (and I wasn't screaming bloody murder like I was then either - which was a relief to everyone in the room I'm sure). Thankfully, everyone's encouragement in the room really helped motivate me to keep pushing. I've never done something so hard in my life - talk about a full body work out!

The rest is pretty much history... Isaac finally arrived at 2:38am after what was really a fairly short labor and short amount of pushing. Immediately he was placed on my chest (like I'd wanted and had wanted with Hailey but didn't get). His cry and the fact they placed him on me reassured me that he was okay, although I asked countless times if he was okay, if he was healthy, and so on, not believing it. I held him and stared at him and kissed him and told him over and over again that I loved him. Shortly after, Josh was able to cut his umbilical cord (again, something I'd wanted and had wanted with Hailey but didn't get). And the next hour or so was spent bonding with Isaac on my chest. I didn't have anyone try to take him from me. Time slowed down, and it was just us and our new family, and it was wonderful. Eventually they took him to weigh and measure him - 8lbs 3 oz, 20.5 inches  much bigger than we'd anticipated he'd be!

Everything about his birth was better than I could have imagined or asked. I was able to deliver him vaginally and naturally. It wasn't nearly as painful as it was when I was induced with Hailey and trying to go naturally. In fact it still amazes me how it didn't seem that painful at all, that at one point I said it was fun, and that not only was I able to do it all naturally, but that all the estimates of his size were around 6.5 lbs - not over 8lbs! I have to say, I am a little proud of myself that I delivered an 8lb 3oz baby naturally and almost enjoyed it! Of course it was the most demanding physical act I've ever done, but still, it was a wonderful experience.

Thank you so much for praying for my labor and delivery with Isaac. I'm so thankful God answered them by indeed giving me a birth experience that gave me everything I wanted and more. Most of all, I am so thankful to have a healthy baby at home. We are so in love. :)

(Side note/ soapbox moment - I encourage everyone to try to deliver naturally if they have the option. You don't need the meds and if I can do it, you can do it! And everyone should watch the documentary The Business of Being Born - I don't necessarily agree with everything in the movie but it gives a perspective on childbirth that isn't given enough. Just because so many women are giving epidurals and other medicinal pain relieving options doesn't mean they're safe or what's best for mom or more importantly baby.)

 

Waiting on Baby Boy...

Well I was hoping that my next post on here would be introducing you all to our baby boy, but unfortunately baby boy's due date came and went (he was due this past Wednesday, August 3rd), and he seems to be nice and content staying put for awhile longer. Thankfully both baby and I seem to be doing quite well so we're waiting another week at which point if he hasn't arrived yet we'll begin discussing with my midwife what our next plan of action will be in terms of waiting longer, inducing, etc.

As much as this tempts me to become anxious and impatient, I'm really not. Of course I'm eager for him to get here soon - mostly so I can meet him already and can stop wondering and worrying, but also so I don't have to go down the road of being induced again. But I think everyone else is more anxious and impatient over him being 2 days past his due date than I am - I know they are almost as eager as I am for him to get here too, but we all just need to show a little more patience I think. :)

And technically he's not past due or overdue until after 42 weeks, which no one really gets to these days (which also means baby boy will have to be here by August 17th!), but babies typically come between 38-42 weeks, with around 50% before that 40 week mark and 50% after... So of course waiting is no fun, but it's completely normal!

And yes we're continuing to do everything safe we can do on our own to try to induce labor (and we really don't need suggestions because trust me, I've heard of practically everything and am doing practically everything). Nonetheless, I'm convinced baby boy will come when he is good and ready, and ultimately it's all about God's timing, not our own.

So today, 2 days past my due date, baby boy and I are doing well. I've been feeling quite well emotionally thanks to God pouring out His peace on my heart and mind every day. I am very eager to go into labor and meet our baby boy, but so far I am not going crazy with impatience and I hope God helps to continue to give me patience until his time comes.

If you would like to pray for us, please pray for a complication free labor and delivery (that would be natural and not induced) and that baby boy would be born healthy. Please continue to pray for God's peace to pour into our hearts and minds as we are continue to battle fears and doubts and worries. Please pray for us to have patience as we wait. Overall please pray that God would pour out his protection over momma and baby during labor and delivery, that He would bless baby boy's arrival, and that this time for our family would begin a season of joy - but ultimately that God's will, being perfect, would be carried out.

Thanks!! Hopefully the next update will be introducing you to baby boy!

My Unexpected Baby Shower

Without getting into the somewhat elaborate scheme of the day yesterday, my husband and I arrived at our friend Katie's house in the afternoon to, what I thought, was to go through some baby boy items she no longer needed now that her son was older and see if we wanted any of them. Not expecting anything, one, because they all did a fabulous job of keeping it a surprise, and, two, because I am the most gullible person in the world, I rang her doorbell expecting Katie to answer and do just that. Instead, her door opened and I was greeted by a face I never expected to see, that of our friend, our mentor, who used to be one of our OCF (Officers' Christian Fellowship) leaders at Ft. Rucker, who has become like family to us, Jennifer, who is also now stationed at Ft. Knox, which is about 3 hrs from where we are at Ft. Campbell.

My first thought at seeing her was Jennifer! What a pleasant surprise! What's she doing here? And then a nanosecond later I see Katie out of the corner of my eye with a huge flashing camera in front of her face snapping pictures left and right, and my next thought was Oh my gosh, I think I just walked in on my own surprise party. Oh my goodness I'm about to have a baby shower thrown for me. Thankfully, with it being a surprise and all, I didn't have time to dwell on that or let that thought process go too much further because I soon saw the beautiful smiling faces of my friends around the corner. I did however have to give myself an instant pep talk about how I will not cry and how I will make sure to show everyone how happy and thankful I am to have them all there for me. I looked back at my husband who came in behind me and realized we were probably not going out to lunch with his commander that afternoon, which he confirmed and then snuck out after giving me a quick kiss.

Indeed I was surprised and unprepared and those were probably very good things and were what needed to happen. You see, had anyone asked or approached me about having a baby shower, I would have quickly turned them down.

Here's why. To attempt (keyword, attempt) to make a long story short, since losing Hailey, baby showers and I don't mix well emotionally. I have a hard time, whether it's for myself or someone else, being a part of something that celebrates and assumes that the parents will bring that baby home, will watch that baby grow, etc. when I know that doesn't always happen, when in my own experience, instead of coming home from the hospital with a healthy baby, I came home almost 2 weeks later with a sick one and had to begin preparing for her death. To me a baby shower represents the extreme high of a hopeful, expectant mother who is pure and innocent, and I know that I cannot assume or expect that because I went from that type of mother to an extreme low when I became a babylost mother. The innocence, the ignorance, the naivete, the pure joy of the expectant mother at her baby shower to my tainted eyes and heart is something that is frustrating and saddens me, but it's my reality. The experience of seeing the same faces at Hailey's memorial service who I had seen not too many months before at my baby showers... to remember the sight of those eager and happy faces as I opened their gifts and talked to them at my shower and to then look at those same faces crushed, full of sorrow, not knowing what words to say to me... That experience was hard and the memory is heartbreaking...  And of course, I fear that happening again, so in my attempt to control to that fear, my solution was no baby showers for myself. I would be more than happy to have a baby shower after baby boy is here when I'm not assuming I have a future with him, I am knowing it...but I didn't want one before he comes. Not to mention, I didn't think I could emotionally handle it. I feared a baby shower would bring up some difficult emotions and crush me. I feared having a baby shower thrown for me where I would be overcome by a sorrow that didn''t allow me to celebrate the way a mother should at her baby shower.

But there I was yesterday, smack dab in the middle of my own surprise baby shower. In a way, I was facing a fear, and I had no choice.

To be honest, initially a small part of me was upset when my husband kissed me goodbye and left me. He knew about this? How could he do this to me? I thought he knew why I didn't want a baby shower... How could he put me through this emotional turmoil and make me face it by myself??

But again, thankfully it was a surprise, and I really had no time to let these thoughts go too much further.

I'm happy to report that my fears were not realized, and I was not in emotional turmoil at my shower, and I was not overcome with sorrow, whether it was sorrow related to my past with Hailey or sorrow related to my unknown future with our baby boy. Instead, God used my baby shower to show me something and fill me with some other things... And I'm so thankful I didn't have the option to run away from it because I so desperately needed what God had in store for me.

You see, I really had the best time at my baby shower and that is because God gave me His eyes for me. The hosts and guests may not have known this, but my shower was not necessarily about celebrating and assuming I'd have a certain future with my baby boy. It didn't focus on me making plans and talking about how I envisioned my future with our baby boy. It didn't require me to fake emotions or fake a conversation about the future to make others more comfortable or to "play" the role of the happy expectant mother at her baby shower. Maybe the best way I can put it is that the baby shower wasn't about the future for me. It was about the present. In fact, it was God fulfilling exactly what I needed in the present.

It wasn't about chatting about the future acting like I'm in control of what happens or about the gifts (although I did appreciate the gifts and thought they were all incredibly thoughtful and adorable and of course I oohed and aahed over everything because there's no denying the cuteness of baby things and there's no denying that I want to be able to use them all...) So yes I was showered in gifts, but it wasn't about that.

Instead, yesterday God allowed me to be showered with the things I needed and the things that truly mattered. Yesterday I was showered with friendship. With kindness. With compassion. With love. With support. And even with prayer. All of those things I so desperately need, God wanted to show me in a big way that I had.

Sometimes my life feels very lonely because most people in my life can't understand or imagine what I've been through with Hailey and what I'm going through now as we wait for our little boy to be born. That place of loneliness can become very dark and isolating and is often a place where my sorrows and fears are born and grown. That's not to say that's anyone's fault; it's just part of the journey I'm on because it's one that only I can be on... But God is continually showing me that he is walking me through it and there are so many others in our lives who are walking beside me as well.

To be in a room full of women yesterday, some of whom I've known for two years, some two months, and some two weeks, and to know that the amount of time we've known each other doesn't define the friendship that exists is completely amazing. To look into the face of each woman in that room and know for a fact that God placed us in each others' lives for a reason is completely amazing. To be in a room full of women who yesterday, whether they know it or not, demonstrated optimistic and encouraging hearts was the very thing my own heart, which has become so pessimistic and completely fragile, needed. To be in a room full of women who, again, whether they know it or not, demonstrated some of God's own love for me, was something I so desperately needed. To be in that room yesterday and feel overwhelming support from them was something I so desperately needed - because as strong-headed and stubborn as I can be, it's clear that much of this time on my journey I am fragile and breaking and weak and barely keeping my head above water, and I just can't do it on my own. I need God and I need others in my life too to help pick me and support me.

Yesterday, at my baby shower, a place I feared being, a place I feared would fill me with sorrow, a place I feared would be an act that I would have to pretend at... turned out to be none of those. It was a place where everyone there knew my story. Everyone there knew me. Everyone there had compassion. Everyone there allowed me to feel safe.

One thing many of you reading this may not understand is that being an Army wife sometimes adds an extra sense of isolation to my journey. Not too long ago, I moved here, to a new place, where I had no friends, and making friends can be difficult for me. It's hard to seek out friendships because I tend to be insecure and introverted, but in knowing that sometimes I have to compensate for myself, I keep putting myself in situations to build friendships. I prayed and prayed for the Lord to place women in my life who I can come to have true friendships with. Over time, through two Christian-based organizations, I came to have many acquaintances, and thankfully within the last few months several have turned into growing friendships. So to be at my baby shower yesterday and see all friendships in my life here and to see them all at the same place at the same time was something my eyes and heart needed to see.

To all of you who were at my shower yesterday, I will be handwriting individual thank yous to you, but I wanted to write this 'collective thank you' to all also (and some of this you may see repeated on your individual cards, but bear with me, my heart needs to say this):

To Jennifer, Thank you for wanting to throw and for planning a baby shower for me. Thank you for listening to God on that one because I do think it was from him. God seems to use you in big ways in my life when I need it the most, like those walks and lunches you'd invite me on after we lost Hailey, when inside I didn't want to leave the house, but you and God seemed to know I needed it.

To my husband, Thank you for knowing me better than myself, for listening to God (whether you're aware or not it was from him), and for giving the okay and encouraging and helping Jennifer orchestrate the surprise shower. I really did not want a baby shower, but I think you and God saw that I needed something I didn't know I needed.

To Katie, It's funny how God has made our paths cross and developed an instant friendship despite not having spent all that much time together. Thank you for helping with and hosting my shower at your beautiful home and opening it up to all those women, many of whom you didn't know.

To Claire and Holly, First and foremost, thank you for essentially being the two ladies in my life here who are loving the Lord and are leading other women, including myself, to love the Lord and each other. Thank you for your roles in helping Jennifer with the guest list and inviting all the women here who mean so much to me.

To everyone I just mentioned and to all of my guests at my shower yesterday (there are too many of you to name individually on here, but please try to take this collective thank you personally), Seeing each and every one of your beautiful smiling faces at my shower meant so much to me, more than you can probably ever know. You all are honestly some of the most beautiful people inside and out that I have ever been blessed to know. Each of your gifts was perfect and greatly appreciated. However, truly, the best gifts you all gave me yesterday were not ones I could touch, but ones that I felt and have deeply affected me.

I can't say it enough: Thank you for your presence. For your friendship. For your smiles. For your hugs. For your warmth. For your positivity. For your conversation and laughter. For your thoughtfulness. For your kindness.  For your compassion. For your understanding. For your prayers. And most of all, for your love and support.

I want you to know that yesterday while you think you may have gone and done what anyone would do, buy a gift and go to a baby shower for someone you know who is expecting, you did so much more than that. You all truly allowed God to shine through you and I am so thankful to have experienced that. So whether you know it or not, yesterday was not just a typical old baby shower, it was a God orchestrated moment in my life to open my eyes to something that I had not known, and it was something He planned for you all to be a part of.

Like I mentioned above, God used yesterday's baby shower to show me that my baby shower was less about our baby's future and more about Him helping me in my present moment. I am so grateful God promises me he will never leave me, no matter how hard or dark or lonely or scary things seem in my life, and am so grateful for his provision of people and relationships in my life that he works through to partner beside me and show me firsthand what love and support and encouragement look like.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for my 'unexpected' baby shower. I truly didn't expect to have one, and I truly didn't expect the one I'd have to function in my life the way it has.

Dear Hailey

Dear Hailey,

Soon our family is going to be changing - or rather it's already begun to change. Did you know on your 1st birthday I found out I was pregnant with your little brother? Can you believe that? Well pretty soon he's going to be here, and you are going to become a big sister.

I have so many emotions connecting you and your brother together in my heart, my two babies.

Part of me is excited. I can't wait to tell him all about his big sister, to show him your picture, to teach him to say your name, to some day tell him how you changed my life and so many others.

Part of me is sad. I'm sad you won't be able to meet him right away. I'm sad he won't be able to meet you and know you for himself. I'm sad he will only know you through pictures and stories. I'm sad he'll have a big sister, but at the same time that he won't.

Did you know this pregnancy has reminded me so much of you? It's made me think of you a lot. In fact, it's hard to think about your brother and not think about you.

To be honest with you, sometimes this has made me sad, and it's been difficult for me. Your birth and life made me aware of a love and joy I didn't know existed. But since you had many health problems, and we knew your time with us was going to be brief, the circumstances surrounding you involved a lot of tears and pain. As you know, it was very hard for me and your daddy to see you sick and be unable to do anything to make you better. In fact, it broke our hearts, and it still does, even though we know you are with Jesus and no longer sick or in pain and are experiencing more joy and love than we could ever have shown you on this earth. But having experienced that journey with you makes me wonder what the journey will be like with your little brother and makes me wonder if it will be the same, which is what's difficult.

But there are times when this pregnancy reminds me of when I was pregnant with you and those memories make me happy. In a way, when I remember them, they bring me back to you. They make you feel real again and not like a fleeting dream I once I had.

Most of all, my pregnancy with your little brother and preparing myself to meet him makes me miss you. Your daddy and I can't wait to hold your little brother in our arms and start our lives with him. I can't wait to feel like a family again... but right when I think that I know our family will always feel incomplete without you here too. I know God had a plan for calling you home to Him when He did, but sometimes the selfish part of me that doesn't understand wishes you could be healthy and happy here with us too... but you're not, and I miss you.

We don't know how God is going to change our family with your brother, but no matter what happens, even though you are not physically here with us, you will always be a part of our family, you will always be my firstborn, you will always be my little girl, you will always be my daughter, and you will always be loved.

I love you and miss you baby girl. Sending kisses up to Heaven for you today.  I can't wait to tell you about your little brother, and I can't wait to tell him about his big sister.

Love you always and forever,

Your momma

I can't help it...

Tonight I sit and dream of you, my baby boy... I can't help it...

I pray that not too long from now you will be cuddled in my arms, healthy and beautiful, and that I will stare endlessly at you in amazement of my healthy and beautiful baby boy.

I dream of meeting you.

I dream of you healthy.

I dream of holding you.

I dream of a life with you.

At one point I told myself I couldn't dream these dreams... They were too big... too much to ask... feeling unrealistic... feeling undeserving... feeling such joy and perfection might not come my way...

But I can't help it...

I dream of my dreams coming true.

I dream of you.

And somewhere along the way I realized I was afraid to love you with all my heart ,and I did everything I could to try to push that love aside... Out of a fear of loving you and losing you or loving you and hurting because you hurt... As if I could ignore a love that was already created and growing, thinking it would make the pain any less if something were to happen to you...

But I can't help it. I love you. I've always loved you...

Dreaming and loving are  risks for me, and maybe for others too, but even though I'm still afraid, I can't help it anymore......

And so tonight I sit and dream of you...

I can only pray and hope that God allows me the dreams and love I have for you to be fulfilled...

Surrender But Hope

Hi readers,

I come to you tonight with a short but important post. I'm currently 37.5 weeks (full term) and my due date is quickly approaching. The emotional roller coaster I've been riding this entire pregnancy is continuing, and possibly getting scarier if I were to be honest. We continue to have a lot of reason to hope for the best but there have been enough "things" scattered along the way that have allowed for seeds of doubt and some reason to wonder if we will again face a loss or an unhealthy baby.

I've come to a place where I have somewhat given God a rebellious attitude telling him I will not be okay, and I do not want him to choose another path for me that involves a child of mine being unhealthy and possibly dying. However, from the beginning I surrendered to God and accepted this as a possible reality, even as slight as it might be. Somewhere along the way, perhaps as I fell more deeply in love with my son, that the possibility of him having a disorder, whether fatal or not, and even though slight, became unbearably painful and gave birth to an excess of anxieties and fears.

I've battled with myself and with God more times than I can count, wanting God's will to be done and trusting his plan is greater and better than my own, but fearing his will is calling me to another traumatic event, another hardship, another sick child...

So here's where I am at tonight. Every time I battle with the above thoughts, I feel so distressed I can't begin to describe it. The only way for me to have peace is to once again come to the place of surrendering my hopes and dreams and my son to God and come to the place where I will accept his will, even if it includes those things I don't want, those things that make me cry to imagine, those things I fear...

I need prayer that I can come to a place where I can surrender and be at peace if God's plan is for another baby of ours to have a chromosomal disorder yet at the same time be hopeful that God can work miracles and that God's plan might match my dreams of our son being born completely healthy and perfect. And it's so hard because those are two very different things to prepare for and do at the same time...

As time draws nearer and nearer for me to meet my son and know once and for all if he is going to be healthy or not, I am becoming more and more vulnerable, more and more emotional, and becoming more and more susceptible to fears and worries and sorrow... I really need God to prepare my heart for whatever is in store because right now I am a broken mess.

Sometimes I feel bad asking so many people in so many ways for prayers, but sometimes I just don't know what else to do than pray and have others pray for me when I'm so exhausted myself.

~

On a side note, I was catching up on some blogs today that I follow and read this post by Angie Smith... Sometimes only the words of a mother who has experienced burying her baby can bring me comfort because there are some things that only "babylost" mothers understand about life... And so I read this post that she wrote and was very moved by it. I thought it was beautiful and I needed to share it. Please read.