Dear Hailey

Dear Hailey,

Soon our family is going to be changing - or rather it's already begun to change. Did you know on your 1st birthday I found out I was pregnant with your little brother? Can you believe that? Well pretty soon he's going to be here, and you are going to become a big sister.

I have so many emotions connecting you and your brother together in my heart, my two babies.

Part of me is excited. I can't wait to tell him all about his big sister, to show him your picture, to teach him to say your name, to some day tell him how you changed my life and so many others.

Part of me is sad. I'm sad you won't be able to meet him right away. I'm sad he won't be able to meet you and know you for himself. I'm sad he will only know you through pictures and stories. I'm sad he'll have a big sister, but at the same time that he won't.

Did you know this pregnancy has reminded me so much of you? It's made me think of you a lot. In fact, it's hard to think about your brother and not think about you.

To be honest with you, sometimes this has made me sad, and it's been difficult for me. Your birth and life made me aware of a love and joy I didn't know existed. But since you had many health problems, and we knew your time with us was going to be brief, the circumstances surrounding you involved a lot of tears and pain. As you know, it was very hard for me and your daddy to see you sick and be unable to do anything to make you better. In fact, it broke our hearts, and it still does, even though we know you are with Jesus and no longer sick or in pain and are experiencing more joy and love than we could ever have shown you on this earth. But having experienced that journey with you makes me wonder what the journey will be like with your little brother and makes me wonder if it will be the same, which is what's difficult.

But there are times when this pregnancy reminds me of when I was pregnant with you and those memories make me happy. In a way, when I remember them, they bring me back to you. They make you feel real again and not like a fleeting dream I once I had.

Most of all, my pregnancy with your little brother and preparing myself to meet him makes me miss you. Your daddy and I can't wait to hold your little brother in our arms and start our lives with him. I can't wait to feel like a family again... but right when I think that I know our family will always feel incomplete without you here too. I know God had a plan for calling you home to Him when He did, but sometimes the selfish part of me that doesn't understand wishes you could be healthy and happy here with us too... but you're not, and I miss you.

We don't know how God is going to change our family with your brother, but no matter what happens, even though you are not physically here with us, you will always be a part of our family, you will always be my firstborn, you will always be my little girl, you will always be my daughter, and you will always be loved.

I love you and miss you baby girl. Sending kisses up to Heaven for you today.  I can't wait to tell you about your little brother, and I can't wait to tell him about his big sister.

Love you always and forever,

Your momma