Can I Keep You?

(Disclaimer: Sad Post)

Today is a significant day and because of that I'm making it a priority to write this post. Yes today is significant because it's the 10 year anniversary of September 11th, but I am not going to write about that.

Today Isaac is 5 weeks old. Not as significant as his one month birthday this past week, which I wanted to write a post on but didn't have the time for of course, but today his being 5 weeks old is significant to my heart because of his sister.

I remember back to the day Hailey turned 5 weeks old, and what I didn't know then that I know now is that it would be our last day with her. We would wake up the next day, Hailey being 5 weeks 1 day old and find that she had passed away some time while we were sleeping that morning.

Every time I hold him I think of her. Today every time I hold him, I can't help but put him in Hailey's place... I can't help but imagine that today would be our last day with him. Of course, I can't go to that place of thought for long otherwise I would become much too depressed today. But nonetheless, today I remember Hailey as I look at Isaac and as I look at Isaac I pray that today would not be our last with him and that we would have many many many more to come.

There have been many times over the past few weeks where I can't help but be afraid to lose him too, where I can't help but look lovingly upon him and think he's too good to be true. I literally ask Isaac, "Can I keep you?" and I ask God, "Can I keep him?"

The week before last, when I was still being extremely sleep deprived, any time I had a minute of shut eye, I would dream some crazy dreams. One night in the very early hours of the morning, Isaac had fallen asleep finally and so it was my turn. Unfortunately, I would rather not have fallen asleep. I dreamed the worst nightmare I had ever dreamed before. And one of the most horrible things about it was that like all of my sleep deprived dreams it was entirely too realistic and often based on something that was really happening that day. So this dream was not only horrific but felt extremely real and was occurring as though it was happening in real time.

In my nightmare, I awoke to find Isaac with his eyes closed and limp, thinking he was finally in a deep sleep only to realize he in fact wasn't breathing... and he had died in his sleep. Without going into all the details that followed in my dream because they are too graphic and sad, in my nightmare I essentially went through all the motions and emotions that I went through the day Hailey died. I awoke from my dream crying which turned into a hysterical cry because it felt so real, and my emotions were extremely real. Thankfully it was time for me to nurse Isaac so I was able to kiss and cuddle him and be assured that he was okay. While I nursed him I prayed against continued bad dreams; however, the next time I was able to fall asleep that morning my nightmare picked up right where it left off, and I was dreaming about planning his funeral...

I wonder if these types of nightmares are something other parents experience who have lost a child and go on to have a healthy child or already do have other living children...

So today, remembering that the last day I spent with Hailey was when she was 5 weeks old which is how old Isaac is today, I'm a little saddened of course, but more so I'm trying to use the remembrance to embrace and love on Isaac and others since we never know when that last day may come.

Hopefully next time I have a chance to write I can write a more upbeat post about Isaac and our life together like I've been wanting to. Until then, as you remember and never forget September 11th, let that day and this post and our experience with our daughter remind you to do the same: embrace and love on the people in your life because you never know when it will be your last day to do so...

 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4