Isaac & Hailey

(Written Sunday night)

Well life continues on... And my blogging continues to fall behind. Finding time to sit down at my computer and write is nearly impossible, heck holding onto a thought long enough to write it down is nearly impossible these days since I've become so scatter brained. But I miss blogging a lot so right now let me share with you how I am writing this ...

I am trying to put Isaac to sleep so he is in my left arm being supported by my boppy while I rock him and hold his paci in his mouth with my right hand so that leaves my left hand free... Therefore in writing this by holding my phone in my hand and typing it with my thumb, which is now actually beginning to cramp...

But anyway. Our new family is doing well. Isaac is no longer so fussy or crying inconsolably from pain since we're now dealing with his reflux and food allergies. We continue to learn about each other and what he likes and dislikes. The only issue we're tackling is his lack of sleep and just not being a good sleeper. But we are all functioning well and starting to get out of the house more and more little by little so that feels good.

Today Isaac turned 7 weeks old. I'm absolutely in love with his smiles and giggles and baby talk. He enjoys his bouncy chair and play gym. He likes to look in mirrors a lot. He's finally starting to grab onto things. Last night he took his first bottle of breastmilk from his dad and did awesome (although it made me a little sad). He's learning and growing so fast. I love it! I rejoice in him every day and try to pour on as much love and care as I can... In fact sometimes I feel myself giving him a double dose of love for him and his sissy in heaven (if that's possible or makes sense).

He's still and will forever be my dream come true... My rainbow baby as some baby lost mothers would say... There continue to be times where he feels too good to be true...

I can really send his birth announcements? I can really decorate his nursery? I can really take him to the store with me? I can really buy him bigger clothes because he continues to grow? I can really buy him toys because he's learning skills that enable to play with them?

I can go on and on... Asking myself those questions and answering affirmatively feels so amazing and brings so much joy I can't describe it. I am so thankful for it.

The best moment came a few weeks ago when we took our first trip to Babies R Us post pregnancy with him. That was the first time it sank in that I did indeed have a baby to buy for. I could buy those cute little baby Nikes I just sawed and oohed and aahed over if I wanted to for him. I could buy all the outfits that are just too cute and adorable instead of just admiring and hoping. I finally can fulfill many of my dreams and that day I was just giddy with delight in the store. I love it. I love him. And those are such understatements.

But I continue to miss his sister in different ways now as we do life with him...

The other night as I rocked him to sleep I thought of her but I couldn't picture her. I sat looking at Isaac thinking of how he reminds me of her and suddenly I couldn't separate them. Then I couldn't picture her. I was forgetting what she looked like, what she sounded like ... It was as though my present with Isaac was wiping away or replacing my past memories of her... And I began to softly weep... I couldn't picture her. I tried to think back to a specific memory and imagine her face and couldn't. I started to grieve harder and harder in that moment. The ache of missing her gained back its intensity, and I did all I could do which was sit there and rock my baby boy in the night and look at the pictures of Hailey from the Facebook album on my phone... I needed to see her and I couldn't do it on my own. So I sat looking at many pictures of her but honestly found myself skipping a lot because I couldn't bear to remember some of the memories... Eventually the tears stopped as they always do, but the void she left forever remains.

We quickly approach her second birthday and while more and more time passes, we continue to grieve and will every day for the rest of our lives... But the hard thing remains feeling alone in it as everyone else goes on without her.

I want to do another large delivery for Hailey's Hope on her birthday like I did last year but I'm having trouble fundraising and getting support. This year her birthday delivery will be special because Isaac will be there. He will start to learn about his sissy and see the hospital she was in. But it will be extra emotional having him there... So I'm going to start praying now that her birthday delivery will be everything I hope and that we will be able to celebrate her life like I want to.