Faith Dare Friday, #5

This past week's FAITHdare was about solitude, making a place and finding a time for solitude in your day every day. I was quite excited for this 'dare.' But surprisingly, I found it somewhat difficult. It's easy for me to find time alone, yet distractions bombard me and keep me from having solitude. Mostly those distractions are technology related: cell phone, Internet (Facebook, email, etc.), and TV. I realized that I have the TV on far too often and most of the time I'm not even watching it; it's there for background noise. When I realized that I thought, "How gross! Who wants the noise of a TV show as the background noise for her day?" Even when some of the time I set the TV to the Christian music station, it's still constant sound in the background of my daily routine. There really weren't any silent moments in my day.

At first this week, I really got into the dare and made it a point to have a moment of solitude. My place of solitude where I can be alone from people, pets, and technology, and just be alone and be quiet, is one of my favorite places in my house: our jacuzzi bath tub.

I absolutely love a soak in a nice, hot bubble bath. Plus on days where my muscles happen to be extra sore, I can turn those jets on and receive a little massage of sorts. Oh how wonderfully calming and relaxing! So 'sneaking away' at night for a quick soak in the bath became my time and place of solitude.

But as this week became "busier," with my wisdom teeth extraction consultation, Josh's selection, his wisdom teeth extraction, an unexpected trip to the ER in the middle of the night (he had an allergic reaction to his medicine from the surgery), trying my best to take care of my husband and the house, and a lack of sleep, made 'finishing' this week's FAITHdare quite difficult. The events of life this week definitely were overwhelming at moments, and I will blog a little about that tomorrow, and perhaps a moment of solitude would have been especially needed and appropriate during those times, but of course, those very times when I need solitude are when it's hardest to do it.

Even though this is another dare I didn't accomplish how I wanted to, I still took away some important lessons from it and will be making some changes to my lifestyle. Change number one: I am making it a point to not have the TV on during the day and enjoy any silence I find naturally occurring in my day. I'm also making it a point to continue to find at least 5 minutes of solitude in my day every day. Solitude is so important for staying energized; it helps combat feelings of stress or times when you feel disheartened. It rejuvenates, clears your mind, and, most importantly, I think, gives you a greater connection to God and time for you to listen to what God wants you to hear. And of course God knows all of this and tell us this in His word - found in the same verse that I have on a wooden sign by our jacuzzi tub:

"Sanctuary: Come away to a secret place and rest a while. Mark 6:31"

FAITHdare #5: Mud Pies Underfoot

For more information on this FAITHdare click the above link. Here are some snippets from the FAITHdare #5 blog post:

C.S. Lewis said, "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Over the next couple of weeks, we will be specifically focusing on three different idols that I think prevail over most in today's culture: Relationships, ambitions (often in the form of safety and security), and possessions. This week, however, I want us to focus on uncovering our idols.

1) Watch the video at the bottom of the post here.


2) Do the work of wrestling with God over this issue. Maybe these questions will help: How do you spend the majority of your time? To whom do you take your needs and desires? What (or who) do you have in your life that you could not live without? Do you attribute thankfulness to the One who has given you every good and perfect gift? If so, how often? Would you be willing to leave everything and everyone in your life to follow Jesus if He asked you to today? When you read the account of the rich man (Matthew 19:21-23), do you find yourself relating to the rich man and feeling sad? Would you be able to do what Jesus asks the rich man to do?

3) Create a thankful habit. Be creative with this. I want you to develop a way in which you are recounting God's faithfulness at least once a day. That may mean starting a thankful journal where you write down one thing you are thankful for each day. For me, that means creating a thankful jar.

Do you dare??

Hailey's Hope Update

Hey Hailey's Hope supporters!

I have some very exciting updates for you - some of them are a little overdue (especially if you don't keep up with our page on Facebook) so I apologize.

1. As many of you know, Project Sweet Peas was featured on Good Morning America yesterday morning. Sam Champion did a short story on our project in light of our recent Pepsi Refresh grant.

Here is a link to the video (it should still work I hope): http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/video/pepsi-refresh-winner-project-sweet-peas-11257915

Please read a blog post I wrote for the PSP blog about our feature on GMA! I feel so honored to be a part of such a wonderful group of parents and am so excited for what's in store for us! You can find the blog post here.

2. Hailey's Hope donated 2 NICU gift bags this month to two families we know. One of our friends from college had their baby girl (Lyla) very prematurely so we shipped a bag to them in Texas. Our other friends, Josh's recruiter from college, had their baby boy (Austin) very prematurely and he is having some problems so we shipped a bag to them in Illinois. We are hoping from experience that these bags will bring them some support and comfort as they go through this difficult time of having their babies in intensive care units. With these past two deliveries we are officially all out of completed bags and have no more to donate.

3. Today Hailey's Hope received our first donation of items for our 2nd delivery that is coming up on Hailey's 1st birthday on December 1st. Our friend shipped us a large package of preemie outfits for boys and girls as well as 2 adorable baby blankets (1 for a boy and 1 for a girl). To see some pictures view our Facebook page. To our friend, you know who you are, thank you SO much for your donation! So many babies are going to be blessed by your generosity and heart for them. :)

4. And lastly, I am working on a newsletter and some flyers to mail out about Hailey's Hope and our next set of bags. I'm hoping to get them out in the mail by August 1st so we can start gathering more donations to meet our goal of 50 basic NICU bags and 10 Angel bags. I am so excited!!

And I have been a constant example of how you can help those in need by working hard. You should remember the words of the Lord Jesus: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" Acts 20:35 (NLT)

Wisdom

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. James 1:5

God did it again!

What, you ask, did he do?

He proved that his plans are greater than my own. Once again I planned for something. Something that was a month in the making. And this something happened to be oral surgery to have my wisdom teeth extracted.

I planned and planned for this. No surprise if you know me. I over plan and over prepare by nature. But God was going to show me that his plans were going to be slightly different. It started when my plans of having Josh be my driver were foiled a couple weeks ago when we learned that my appointment fell on the same morning of his PT (fitness) test. I will confess I was slightly mad that this important detail went overlooked when the appointment was made, but being an Army wife and the events of this year are continually reminding me to learn to roll with the punches, and so we made plans for one of our friend's to drive me.

Over the past few days and even this morning God gave me a sense of peace and courage to go through with my wisdom teeth extraction (like I said before, while to you this may not be a big deal, for me, someone who hates doctors and has never had a surgery of any kind, this is/was a big deal). So this morning I confidently and patiently waited for my ride to arrive to take me to my appointment. And guess who strides in through the door 10 minutes before I have to leave? My knight in shining armor ... well really, my husband in sweaty PTs. But I was thrilled he could go with me. It was much more comforting to have my husband there even though I appreciated the help of my friend. Another change of plans.

So I walked into the oral surgeon's office at 8am this morning. I was ready. I felt good. After all, I prayed over it and prayed over it, and I know family and friends said some prayers for me as well. (And I will admit, Hailey was giving me some courage. I kept thinking if her little bitty new baby body could undergo surgery and blood transfusions and so on, and she could be such a brave fighter, so could I.)

The oral surgeon, a very sweet, elderly gentleman, looked at my x-ray I brought with from my dentist, and we discussed the reason behind my dentist's referral - I wasn't having any issues or problems other than occasional jaw / tooth pain around my molars, but that is caused by the fact that I have been known on occasion, specifically stressful occasions, to clench and grind my teeth when I sleep) so the surgery was purely preventative. (I should mention that this oral surgeon does the surgery the same day as the consultation.) After the doctor heard what I had to say, he looked at my x-ray some more, and said, "Well, I'm going to have to tell you that I am not going to extract your wisdom teeth today because the risk is too great."

Did I just hear him right? What?!

Here I am all planned and ready (even have cases of jello, pudding, and ice cream ready and waiting at home), and I'm not have surgery?! Change of plans again!

The surgeon explained that the roots of my wisdom teeth appear to have grown into my nerve (especially on my left side) or at least are very, very close to the nerve (on the right). If he hit the nerve during surgery, it would cause me to have permanent numbness in my mouth. Therefore, his expert opinion was to not do anything so that I could enjoy feeling in my mouth for as long as possible. Here is a picture of my x-ray (sorry for the poor quality, it's a scanned copy of the x-ray - oh and I added all the 'stuff' in including the question marks which represent my missing wisdom teeth on the top):

In a sense this was good news for me because I did not want oral surgery. It was also good that my doctor was conservative in his decision making because I could have come home today with nerve damage and without feeling in my mouth that would have lasted for the rest of my life. On the other hand, this is bad news, because at some point or another, my impacted wisdom teeth are going to cause me problems, serious problems. But the doctor and I are hoping this happens when I'm in my 60s so that I can enjoy as much time as I can with having sensation in my mouth. But it is inevitable it seems that one day my wisdom teeth will have to be removed, and there will be unavoidable nerve damage when that happens.... So now my fervent prayer is that this day is many many years or decades from now.

Today is another example of exactly the opposite, of what I expected and planned for to happen, happening. But I feel confident in what happened. I prayed for God's will to be done with my wisdom teeth. I prayed for God to give my doctor wisdom and guide his decisions and hands. And, funny enough, my mother-in-law, who happens to have some unfortunate experience with nerve damage, was praying this morning that I would not have nerve damage from my surgery. I think this just shows that God answered all of our prayers and God's plans and His will for our lives will be done when we ask. You just have to be ready for what he says, because his plans are not always our plans.

So this morning I walked away from the doctor's office full of wisdom ... my wisdom teeth... and some Godly wisdom... :)

Big Week = Prayers Please

This is a 'big' week at our house.

1. Tomorrow I am having oral surgery. My bottom two wisdom teeth are fully impacted and, therefore, are being extracted. I have never had  a surgery of any kind before and have never been under with anesthesia so I am nervous. When it comes to doctors, dentists, and the like, I have definite white coat hypertension and generally suffer from anxiety leading up to and during my appointments. This time has been no different. This appointment was made several weeks ago, and I have been dreading it from the start. Thankfully through lots of prayers this past week, I have felt the calmest I have since making the appointment. I just pray that I have a continued sense of peace going into the office tomorrow.

2. Wednesday is Josh's selection. For all of you non-military people out there this is the day in flight school where he selects with airframe he is going to fly for potentially the rest of his career in the Army. This is also the day where he will choose 3 posts that we would like to PCS to next (Permanent Change of Station AKA "move"). He, like the rest in his class, goes into a room not knowing exactly what airframes are available for him to choose and not knowing what posts are available for our next duty station. With all of those unknowns come big decisions - what does he want to fly and where do we want to go? So he has to make some big, somewhat impromptu, decisions on behalf of our family Wednesday that will have a significant affect on the 'next' stage of our lives. No pressure.

3. Thursday Josh is having oral surgery. We just found out today that he, for sure, has to have all 4 of his wisdom teeth extracted. (All four of his came in and aren't bothering him, but when the Army tells you to do something you do it.) During his consultation today they told him it might somewhat difficult because the roots of his wisdom teeth are pretty deep... And this will be 48 hrs after my surgery.

Hence my blog post title "Big Week = Prayers Please."

Please pray that both mine and Josh's surgeries go correctly and smoothly and that we would both have quick recoveries. Please pray for Josh's selection that Josh would feel confident in his decisions and that God's will for him and us would be done .

Thanks!!

Baby Hugs

Today I'm thinking of baby hugs, and I'm sad that I can't know Hailey's hugs.

My friend's baby hugged me the other day. Well he isn't really a baby anymore, he's over a year old, and it wasn't the first time (he gave me lots of hugs when I babysat him a couple of weeks ago). I have to say he is one of the few little ones I have been able to be around and not want to cry.  His baby hugs actually feel wonderful and almost comfort the mother inside of me since I can't hug my own baby.

It feels so good to get baby hugs. But it does make me sad as it reminds me that I will never feel Hailey's hugs. It makes me wonder what her hugs would have been like, what it would feel like to watch my daughter's wobbly legs 'run' towards me with her arms stretched out wide to reach my legs and then squeeze me tight with her little chubby arms.<sigh>

Last night I dreamed of "baby" hugs. A little girl, maybe four or five years old, with long brown hair ran into my lap, wrapped her arms around my neck, nestled her head against my neck, and gave me a great big hug. Her hug felt so warm and perfect, like it was the missing piece to my heart. But I didn't know who this girl was in my dream. I couldn't see her face. (If you've seen Inception it was similar to how Cobb saw his children in his memories; he couldn't see their faces.)

There was a vague sense that my brother, sister-in-law, and my nephew (who's over a year and a half old) were there in my dream and that this girl might have been their daughter, my nephew's older sister, but in real life, my brother doesn't have another child.  So I don't know who she was, but I loved her, and I loved her hug. I wish my dream would have made her Hailey...

I think it's clear that the mother in me is still there and will forever be there- the noun, not the verb. I am a mother, but I cannot mother - and combining those two ideas is difficult. I long for my daughter and for her touch. I long to give her love and to receive her love. I long for the day when we will finally run into each other's arms and hug. For now, I'll have to live off of dreams of her baby hugs.

Faith Dare Friday, #4

Reflections on FAITHdare #3 (FAITHdare #3 is at the bottom of the post).

The 3rd FAITHdare was to fast from one meal a day and use that time to grow in your relationship with God. Well I have to say I completely failed this dare. I had many 'excuses' for not fasting, such as next week I won't be able to eat much at all because I'm having my wisdom teeth extracted or some days of the week I'm burning over 800 calories working out and need to eat more; therefore, it would be unhealthy for me to skip a meal... Excuses I know. I failed it. I could fast this coming week but that's kind of cheating I think since I won't be able to do much eating anyway.

But I'm not giving up, I'm moving on to this next dare...

FAITHdare #4: Seeking Out Solitude

1) Create a place of solitude. This should be fun! Is there someplace in your home that you can designate as "the quiet place," a place where anyone in your family can go to be quiet? Is there someplace outside of your home that you can use? Maybe a favorite tree in a park or an empty church sanctuary? Get creative, doing whatever you feel is necessary to make that "quiet place" a cozy and warm environment to facilitate times of solitude.


2) Create a daily TIME of solitude...Set aside a specific time and place to enjoy complete silence before the Lord... Take time this week to learn to LISTEN.

How did I do it

Lately when I think of Hailey my mind takes me back to her birth and how nothing went as planned or imagined. My mind goes back to being separated from her the night she was born to rushing to get out of the birthing center and driving to see her in the NICU in Birmingham. My mind goes back to conversations with nurses and doctors about surgeries, blood transfusions, apnea, and so on. My mind goes back to the bombshell dropped on us unexpectedly. Trisomy 18. Fatal. My mind goes back to all the decisions we had to make that we never planned or imagined we'd have to make. My mind goes back to all of the moments I watched her and wondered if that would be her last. My mind goes back to the oxygen tanks, nasal cannulas, feeding tubes, morphine, bandages, and everything else that went into providing for her at home. My mind goes back to how I took hit after hit after hit of unexpected news, shocking news, bad news. My mind goes back to how my life was turned around and around and around...

My mind hasn't visited those moments in a long time. My mind defaults to the good moments, to the goodness in it all. It filters through the bad, the tragic, the painful, and focuses on the good. It clings to the moments that bring joy, peace, comfort, love, and blessings. Until lately.

Lately mind goes back to the other moments, but it can't stay there. It shuffles through the moments and memories staying only long enough for a glimpse, and a glimpse is all it takes. My mind can't stay in those difficult, tragic moments long enough to relive them. Because I can't bare it another time. It's as though I might collapse into nothing if I replay one full "dark" moment.

So as I shuffle through the dark moments I hit play, fast forward, play, fast forward, I can barely stand it without crying. All I think and wonder is, "How did I do it?" I can't even replay it in my mind half a year later. How did I ever live through it? How did I managed to wake up every day let alone find happiness and reason to smile and be joyful?

I look back at those two months of my life, the month with her and the first month without, and I think I'm finally seeing it how most others saw it. If I think back on those two months and imagine it not happening to myself but to a friend or family member, my heart breaks in a different way. I would be devastated in a different way, and it's almost worse for me to imagine it as happening to another person, but it didn't happen to another person. It happened to me.

All I can think about lately is how in the world did I get through it? How did I smile? How was I strong? How am I still standing now? As I write and think about these things I can't hold the tears back anymore. I want to say I honestly have no idea how I did it.

But I can't say I have no idea how I did it because I know my answer.

God.

Choosing Life

I read something wonderful in my devotional from yesterday. It made me think of Hailey and babies like Hailey, babies who some don't see as fearfully and wonderfully made, babies who aren't given a chance before they're even born, babies who someone decides might not be "wonderfully" made, who aren't a "beautiful creation,"  who aren't worth a chance at life regardless if that life is 5 minutes, 5 days, or 5 weeks, like Hailey...

But read this paragraph written by Mary Southerland:

Situational ethics is now being taught in many of our public schools.  One teacher, wanting to illustrate that human reasoning is many times wrong, gave the following situation to a class of high school students:  "How would you advise a mother who was pregnant with her fifth child based on the following facts.  Her husband had syphilis and she had tuberculosis.  Their first child was born blind, the second child died.   A third child was born deaf while their fourth child had tuberculosis.  The mother is considering an abortion.  Would you advise her to have one?"  In view of these facts, most of the students agreed that the mother should have an abortion.  The teacher then announced, "If you said 'yes', you would have just killed the great composer, Ludwig von Beethoven."

How moving is that?

No one can predict using science, statistics, or anything else, what will become of a child. We were prematurely told that Hailey might have a chromosomal disorder and were immediately confronted with the issue of aborting her. Then we were told using modern science and tests that Hailey would be a perfectly healthy baby. (Imagine all of those premature tests and decisions being thrown at pregnant women - imagine choosing an abortion and having a perfectly healthy baby when you were told that she had Trisomy 18 or something else like in the above paragraph.) But against all odds, Hailey wasn't a 'normal' baby. Against all odds for Trisomy 18 babies, Hailey survived for 9 months in my belly. Against all odds, she survived birth. She survived one day, two, and so on. She lived for 36 days.

There is a popular Bible verse mentioned in this same devotional and it happens to be one I added on to a maternity photo with Hailey in my belly. Here is the picture:

This is verse 16: "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

My world was rocked the day that I had to put these truths together with that facts that my baby girl was an 'anomaly', that she was 'incompatible with life' as some would say. My mind and heart had to expand to understand that God still created her even with all of her 'imperfections', to understand that she was still fearfully and wonderfully made by God - even though many people don't view babies like her that way.

I just love verse 16. How interesting and comforting it is to know that not only did God create her, he knew how long her life would be, 36 days. He created her. He knew her. He knew her life. He designed it. He has a greater purpose for all life that we can't ever imagine or understand.

Give life a chance.

Present Sufferings vs. Eternal Glory

Today I wasn't going to write a post, but I seemed to be getting bombarded with the same message over and over again in different ways, and I figured I'd share it. It's not a new message for me, but this is one of those things that is good to be reminded of every so often because it puts my perspective back into focus.

Life is hard. Life is full of troubles. Life is full of suffering. And no I don't mean a busy work day, a cold, being stuck in traffic, a delayed flight, a fight with a friend, etc. Of course all of those are common troubles that do exist, but what I mean are 'real' troubles - the deaths of loved ones, terminal illness, broken relationships, divorce, abuse, poverty, war, and so on.

Did you know that the Bible refers to even those troubles, those 'present sufferings,' as 'light' and 'momentary'? (2 Cor. 4:17)

Did you know that the Bible calls us to rejoice in our sufferings and even on occasion refers to them as blessings? (1 Peter 4:12-19)

Consider what's being said. It's hard to fathom. Whatever suffering you face in life, even the really bad stuff, it is temporary. It's something that God can use as a blessing, can use to develop our character, and do more with than we could know or understand. Not to mention that it's something God calls us to rejoice in.

Why?

Because of the other part of the suffering story...

They are "achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Cor. 4: 17-18)

They "are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." (Romans 8:18)

Why am I surviving my present sufferings? Why do I have hope? How do I make it through the daily pain of my losses and my potential fears of the future? Because, all my losses, disappointments, and aggravations are something I see as the cover and title page of my real story (Rinehart, Strong Women, Soft Hearts, p. 181). Of course, all of this points to my reward - Heaven.

I made an interesting connection today as I was studying these statements...

Life is like my yoga class. It can really suck. It can be really painful. I have to suffer through the burning and shaking of all my muscles. It takes a lot of effort, dedication, sweat, and I must endure to receive the benefits. After I endure the temporary sufferings for 50 minutes, the last 10 minutes are my reward, my "heaven." At the end of the workout I lay on my back, close my eyes, relax every muscle in my body, including my mind, listen to some really peaceful, soothing music, and just relax. It feels soooooo good! It is heavenly! While that reward would be great any day, it's just not the same without having suffered for 50 minutes beforehand.

Now, of course this is not a perfect comparison of life and eternal life with God, but I hope you can see the connection I'm trying to make...How much more wonderful and glorious will Heaven be after having endured so much here on earth?!

It has taken me a very long time, and like I said at the beginning of this post, it is something I often need to be reminded of, to realize that my life is temporary and Heaven is eternal, forever, neverending. It reminded me of a story from back in college. I was going through discipleship with Campus Crusade for Christ and my wonderful mentor/ 'discipler' drew a line on a piece of paper asking me to imagine it as eternity. She asked me to mark where my life (here on earth) falls on that spectrum. Her line representing eternity was maybe 8 inches long. My mark was probably a good 2 inches. I remember her gently laughing at me. At first I didn't get what I had done, but then it came to me. My visualization of my life was essentially 1/4 of eternity - if that can even be imagined! Clearly my life is not that long. Her point was the very point I'm trying to make in this post. Our time spent here on earth is a mere speck compared to the line of eternity. But it's so hard to understand as we struggle with the very real, very present sufferings in our life.

P.S. I just love this one passage I studied today. I will share it and let it speak for itself:

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (Romans 8:18-25)

Who I am & Where I am Without Her

(In this post I will answer two questions I have hated being asked since losing Hailey: "How are you?" "What do you do?")

I haven't written about Hailey in awhile, and you'll see that the beginning of this post isn't about her either... but hang in there with me.

The truth is I've been keeping quite busy with various things and my mind has been mostly on those things and less on her.

To some extent I feel alive again. For so long in my grief journey I've been struggling with the fact that today I'm not on the path that I had planned on being on a year ago. I'm not a mother and not a stay at home mom caring for her new baby girl. That struggle led to the struggle of who I am, what my purpose is, where my path is going. For so long I cringed at being asked the question, "What do you do for a living?" For so long I felt that I didn't have a worthy answer to give. Usually I reverted to the career path I chose in college that I pursued for two years after, teaching. I feel I will always be a teacher at heart, but currently I am not teaching. Teaching is not in my future for awhile. So to me, I am not a teacher either.

The struggle of defining myself by what I do and not being able to do either of the things I had planned for my life - being a mother and being a teacher - has been consuming me for quite some time. I want my life to have purpose. I want my life to fulfill God's purpose. Not knowing what that purpose is becomes frustrating as I struggle with trusting and being patient and being content with my lot.  And sometimes I forget that who I am is not answered by other than who I am in Christ.

I love these reminders of who I really am (I'm providing the links because the lists are just too long for this post!): My Identity in Christ and Who I am in Christ.

Lately I've felt more content. I've felt that my life has more of a purpose. I attribute that to God's provision of peace and contentment for my life and also to my discovering glimpses into what maybe God wants me to do for the time being. For now, that seems to be running Hailey's Hope and Blossoms of Blessings, and I really love them both. I love that something good is coming from Hailey's life. I love that somehow in someway I can help someone else. And finally, I love that I can say my life has an identifiable, clear purpose, and that helps make me feel alive.

Instead of feeling guilty about having extra time in my day, I take it as a gift from God and spend that time getting to know him better. Instead of feeling guilty about the freedom and flexibility of my daily routine, I cherish it. Instead of feeling guilty that I have time to engage in activities I enjoy like reading, blogging, or watching a movie, when I might not have been able to do those things teaching or with having a new baby, I again am trying to see this as a blessing and appreciate it.

My life is a good life. I don't have to toil away at a job over forty hours a week. I spend my time doing things I enjoy. I have a loving husband whom I love. We have the best dog in the world. We have family and friends who love us. We are healthy. We have many nice things. Instead of feeling guilty for all of that like I have since losing Hailey, I feel good about it.

While I feel good and can say my life is good, that doesn't mean it's perfect. I miss my baby everyday. I wish she were with us. I wish we could do things with her. I wish I could know her. I wish I could see her grow and change and delight in her. These are things that will forever remain wishes and longings unfulfilled. There will always be a loss. There will always be something missing. There will still be days that are beyond difficult. There will still be days where I feel guilty for something I didn't do, for something I did, for something I'm doing.

For instance, while I don't feel guilty anymore for many of those things that I mentioned above, I do feel some guilt for not thinking of Hailey as much these past couple of weeks as my schedule has grown busier. A part of me feels like I need to think about her every second of the day because if I don't I'm a terrible mother. I feel like I'm forgetting about her or ignoring her. It's like my mind becomes focused on my task instead of Hailey. But that's life I guess. It's impossible to think of her every second of every day when she's not here. But I hate it nonetheless. So I guess this is the new part of my journey as I'm learning to continue on with living my life without her and the new struggle becomes how to allow myself to be busy, feel happy, and live a life without her without feeling guilty like I'm a terrible mother because I don't spend as much time thinking about her.

The other night my husband, my dog, and I were all cuddled together on the couch watching a movie. In my mind and heart it was a perfect moment. I felt happy. I felt good. And then it hit. In those kinds of moments it's so close to being perfect, but I can't let myself feel like it is, and I almost get mad for feeling like it is because Hailey's not there...

I've been reflecting on how far I've come on my journey through losing Hailey. I've been stepping back and observing my life as a third party observer. Sometimes those days when Hailey was with us or where my grief was at its worst seem like a long long time ago. But in reality, it hasn't been that long. Some days I feel like a different person almost like a normal person not a grieving mother. But that's only some days... Because this journey takes me down through valleys and up through mountains and no two days are the same. I never know what tomorrow holds...

So long story short. I feel pretty good lately. But I still grieve over Hailey of course. And not only do I miss her, I miss thinking about her.

Faith Dare Friday, #3

Reflections on FAITHdare #2 and more... (FAITHdare #3 is at the bottom of the post).

God is so much bigger than I imagined...

and to think that in recent days, weeks, months I have found that to be shocking despite the evident claims in the Bible about God being beyond our human comprehension. Sometimes I am so naive.

So many of us, myself included, define who God is in such a way that he can comfortably fit into a little box that we can wrap our minds around and tuck neatly into our brain somewhere.... Well guess what? If When we do that, we're completely missing out on the true character of God, which will in turn make us miss out on a true relationship with him.

In light of everything that happened with Hailey and my dad and in light of this new FAITHdare journey that I'm on, (I've mentioned it once before using the words of another) I am truly on a journey of expansion. Me, my soul, my heart, everything about who I am is expanding. Not only is this journey of expansion about me, but it's about God. My understanding of God continues to expand wider and wider each passing day as I seek with a passionate heart to follow and know him. While this might sound all wonderful and maybe even poetic, I must confess that while yes it is wonderful, my journey of expansion has caused me to have a different definition for wonderful, amongst other words, that is probably different from yours and most of the world's. This journey is, quite frankly, painful...difficult... and literally expands and stretches me out of my comfort zone, my prior understandings about who God is, who I am, how the world works, etc.

This is one of those subjects that I have so many thoughts and feelings that they couldn't possibly be put into words let alone into this one blog post, but I hope to at least make due with a 'bullet-point' version of what I'm learning and how I'm expanding. (And just a word of warning, it's going to get pretty 'heavy'...)

God is a forgiving God, a loving God, a compassionate God, He wants what's best for all of his creation, He is all-knowing, He is good, His plans are good, His ways are good, He's miraculous, All things are possible with him, There is nothing he cannot do, He rejoices, He blesses, He answers prayers, And on and on and on.... (This is a version of God in my box).

But you must ask yourself, what is love? What is compassion? What is good? What is a blessing? Often our definitions of these words work to define our understanding of God. I know it's been true of myself.

Believing only the aforementioned qualities of God's character and limiting ourselves to only those 'good' qualities and our human, worldly definitions of these qualities, I might argue is limiting and detrimental to one's true faith in God and one's life.

You see when you believe God loves you, God is good, and that God has great plans for you and your life and wants to bless you (which all come from the Bible somewhere), well when your supposedly perfectly, healthy baby is born and you are told she is going to die in less than a year and really probably only has days to live and there's nothing you can do about it - the same baby you prayed for and that God created - well how do you fit your view of God into this reality you're finding yourself in? And then while you're baby is dying, your dad is dying from cancer as well. And two weeks after you bury your baby, your dad dies the day you're flying in to see him, the day before your birthday, and you attend your dad's memorial service on your husband's birthday. How does that fit in to the picture?

I could go on and add situations to this, but I won't. I don't need to. I think the picture is clear. How do you fit that preconceived notion of who God is to what has happened to your life? Well that's what I've had to figure out in the last 6-7 months. It has been a test of my faith.

What I've learned is that yes all of those 'positive' attributes of God are true and based in God's word, but those things are only a part of who God is. Just because God loves me doesn't mean that he will not allow me to be hurt, experience pain, suffer, be disciplined, become sick, etc. All of those things happen and God still loves me.  God has plans for me and my life and will work everything for his good, but his good and his plans might not be what my good and my plans look like.

I always said I wouldn't be a teacher. Well I am. I always said I wouldn't marry someone in the military. Well I did. I always wanted to live in the same town by my family. Well I don't. I hate change. But the life God has given me is one that is ever changing. I wanted to be a young mom and had certain plans for my own family. Well I'm a mother but not the kind I ever envisioned and my plans for my family are certainly different from how it's actually playing out. My point is that I have plans. Tons of them. And sometimes they don't turn out. But sometimes they do. And I'm okay with whatever happens because I pray for God's will to be done in my life and some times that means I don't get what I want or what I think is right for me.

Moreover, I will suffer and be in pain. The Bible is clear on that. But even when that happens God is good and loves me. It's hard to understand. Even if I am living the life God calls me to live, even if I am obeying and being righteous, I will still suffer. Not only does the Bible tell me I will still suffer, but the Bible even says, "But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed." (1 Peter 3:14) Never did I envision someone blessed by God living a life full of suffering. But the Bible teaches differently. Talk about expansion.

How about the good, the loving, the compassionate God pouring out his wrath and judgment? Yes God gets angry. God has wrath. It's an anger and wrath that we can't even imagine. But no one likes to hear about that part of who God is. No one really takes a minute to think about what it means to love and fear God. It's not pleasant, so we ignore. But you can't pick and chose which attributes of God you want to accept. God is who he says he is and either you believe it and live according to it or you don't. To know who he is we need to read about who he says he is. And many people don't do that. And even Bible believing people like myself tend to skip right over those parts, just like so many people tend to skip over judgment, hell, Satan, etc.

Basically, God is bigger than we think. Bigger and more complex than we can imagine. But we need to try. Doing so helps us receive and know His love, His blessings, how to be obedient to him, and helps us make it through this life and onto an eternity in His kingdom in heaven.

This past week's dare asked you/me to watch an hour long sermon twice. Well I confess I didn't do it twice, I only did it once, but it's life changing. So many of us "followers" of Jesus are following in this little comfortable bubble that fits nicely in with society. But guess what, you want to follow Jesus? It costs you. It costs you everything. Will you follow him if it means giving up your children? your spouse? your friends? your house? your 'stuff'? You cannot be a follower of Christ if you do not surrender all to him. You must take up your cross and follow him. What does carrying a cross mean? It means giving him your life. Dying to yourself and your world and everything in it. Giving up those you love, giving up what's important to you, sacrificing it all - for God. God is all you need. How crazy is that... How hard is that... But that is what God calls us to do, and unfortunately, not many people understand what that means. I was a follower of Christ, I tried to surrender everything, give everything in my life to God, dedicate myself to God, but I had no clue what all of that really meant until I unwillingly lost so much in January. Until you experience a hardship or a tragedy, I'm not sure you can fully experience God's love and who he is or know what faith is really about... It's not always sunshine and rainbows, although that's what we so often wish...

All I know is that God is an awesome God. He is the creator and ruler of the universe. He is all that is good. He is the only place I will ever find and experience true love. And in the end, He wins. I want to be on his side. And I want to do whatever it takes to be on his side and know him. (And boy is that a gutsy thing to proclaim if you really believe everything the Bible says).

Oh and on a side note, this past week's dare included memorizing Matthew chapter 10... well this is probably another epic fail, but I am not going to give up. I have 1, almost 2 verses memorized, pretty pathetic, but I am going to keep memorizing.

So moving on...here's the next dare!

FAITHdare #3: Hungering for Him

Fast from one meal every day this week (or two, or whatever God leads you to), using that time instead to tune your physical/spiritual radar to the soul-deep hunger that can only be satisfied by the Bread of Life.

"Wait"

My heart was broad-sided again today. Going about my daily activities I was feeling really good. Even had some moments of feeling playfully giddy, which I haven't had in the longest time. My heart was pretty happy. And then suddenly, as I continued going about my activities, the grief hit. I was cleaning the house to the Christian worship station on our satellite. For some reason the songs weren't uplifting me, but making me face my sadness. Song after song just seemed.... well depressing. And then... then, of course, came the song "Heaven is the Face" by Steven Curtis Chapman, which of course is my personal anthem for losing Hailey, the song that Josh and I played non-stop for over two days immediately after losing her.  Of course, it's really hard for me not to be moved to tears every time I hear that song, but I wouldn't let myself cry. You see I was going to visit a friend today who is going through her own grief and loss, and I couldn't already be a tearful mess before I went. But it wasn't just this song, it wasn't just my thoughts of Hailey making me sad, my heart also breaks for this friend who has to suffer a loss and grieve. We're on own unique paths of loss, but we both arrive at the same destination, grief.  It just sucks.

So yes, today did a 180 degree turn on me, and my heart is sad, but that's okay... because I know God loves me and is with me and my friend and everyone else who is hurting out there, and although we are impatient beings, sometimes, yes, sometimes, God wants us to wait in the middle of the hurt with him. I never truly knew that about God and as of recently couldn't put those two things together - God loves me and God allows me to sit in the middle of my pain - I didn't understand that God could want me to wait in my pain, but maybe he does.... I'm learning more and more about God's character every day... He's a lot bigger than I thought. ;)

This poem came to my mind today. I first read it last week and love it. It speaks so much to my heart and, I imagine, to my friend's heart too. This is for anyone who is hurting and sitting in their pain wanting to know why God isn't rescuing them from it - may you find refuge in His arms:



"Wait" by Russell Kelfer


Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Hailey's Hope & Blossoms of Blessings

Are you ready?! A lot of important information is about to come your way!

It's time for Hailey's Hope to start preparing for our next set of gift bag donations to The Children's Hospital at UAB. We are planning on making the next delivery on Hailey's birthday, December 1st. Since this delivery will be on what would have been Hailey's 1st birthday, I want this delivery to be extra special and HUGE!

Our first set of donations began in April and, two months later, in June we donated 36 gift bags in memory of the 36 days Hailey lived. For this second set of donations we are starting now, in mid-July and will have until December 1st (over 4 months) to complete and deliver the bags. I'm hoping that more time will help this delivery be an extra, HUGE success. Also since we have a longer period of time, I hope to have numerous events and fun things going on to help us raise money - so stay tuned for those!

Oh, and what do I mean by HUGE? I'm talking a goal of 50 bags!

Again, we will be donating the basic NICU gift bags (for a reminder of what items we need you can visit the Hailey's Hope page of this blog). And NEW, I would like to donate some Angel gift bags this time around.Angel gift bags specifically go to parents who have lost a baby. The Angel bags provide them with items that will help them collect memories of their child and comfort them in their grief. Some items that are included in Angel bags are: memory box, stuffed animal, blanket,  hand/foot mold, hand/foot print kit, tissue packs, grief books, journals, and more.

Currently I am accepting donations for any of the items on the basic NICU gift bag list and any on the Angel gift bag list - remember that all items must be brand new. Monetary donations are also being accepted. For any donation that you would like to make please email me at Kristin@projectsweetpeas.com so that I can give you the information on how to donate, where to send it, etc. (As of right now donations are not tax-deductible, but this may be changing in the next couple of months.)

And last but not least, the first fundraising endeavor has started! As some of you already know, I started a little 'business' called Blossoms of Blessings. I am hand-making and selling adorable little flower headbands for babies and donating all proceeds to Hailey's Hope. I've set up its own website where you can find more information and pictures of the products I'm making and selling as well as more information about why I started Blossoms of Blessings, how to order, etc - so if you have any questions or want more information please check the Blossoms of Blessings website!  I'm having so much fun making these and think they will look soooo cute on any baby girl! And I'm soooo excited about how this can bless Hailey's Hope and bless the babies in NICUS. So PLEASE check out the website if you haven't yet and PLEASE share it with your friends!

http://blossomsareblessings.blogspot.com/

So did you catch it all?

In case you didn't, here's an overview of the important stuff:

• The next set of Hailey's Hope gift bag donations starts NOW!


• Our goal is 50 bags ready to deliver by December 1st - Hailey's 1st Birthday!


• We will be donating basic NICU gift bags and Angel gift bags.


• I am selling flower headbands for babies with all proceeds going to Hailey's Hope.


• If you are interested in donating any items or money, helping with fundraising efforts, have an idea for a fundraiser, or are interested in Blossoms of Blessings, please email me at Kristin@projectsweetpeas.com for more information.

Thanks!!!

Life is Fragile

Well emotionally this has been a whirlwind of a week and weekend filled with highs and lows, and I am reminded of my blog tagline about how the Lord gives and takes away.

This week the Lord gave life to three perfectly healthy babies. While I am extremely thankful that these babies were born healthy and that their mommas are doing wonderfully, it was one of those times when I felt like everyone around me is pregnant, is having a baby, or has a baby...and I don't.

Also, this week the Lord gave life to another baby whose birth did not go perfectly or as planned. The Lord gave but did so in such a fragile situation where some may have thought he might take away. It was really the first time I've ever known someone besides myself who has experienced complications with the birth of a baby. For so long I've felt alone, like everyone I've always known has always had and will have perfect pregnancies and perfect babies, except me. But now I don't feel alone, but I hate that someone else has to be on a similar path that I have walked. And when I learned about this baby I hate to say it, I felt almost comforted by the situation, almost relieved in some sort of terrible way like, "phew, I'm not the only one..." I feel so guilty and terrible for that... :( Here is what happened...

I learned that an old college friend had her baby very, very prematurely. The good news is that her and her baby, Lyla (isn't that such a beautiful name?), are doing well. Lyla weighs just over 1 pound and is underdeveloped but thankfully has no medical problems other than being tiny. She sounds like she's a fighter like Hailey and reading about her story reminds me so much of our experience with Hailey, an unexpected trip to the NICU, nasal cannulas, feeding tubes, time spent in a Ronald McDonald House, and so on. I sent my friend some words of encouragement and will be sending her a gift bag from Hailey's Hope tomorrow. Everything looks very hopeful for her baby, but the doctors want her in the NICU until her delivery date, which is in September, so I'm hoping the Hailey's Hope gift bag will bring them some comfort and encouragement and love during this stressful time.

And then later this week the Lord decided to take away. I learned that one of my friends who recently found out she was expecting experienced a miscarriage. My heart just dropped when I heard...

After learning about Lyla and then this loss, I really had to examine myself because I felt so much guilt. All of those times I talked about babies being everywhere and all around me and being so jealous and angry at woman who were pregnant and having their healthy babies all around me after I just lost mine.... well I just feel terrible for those thoughts and feelings even more now. While I felt and almost resented that I was the only one in my realm of friends and family that had to experience the fear that comes with having your first child in a NICU fighting for her life and the only one to experience the loss of a baby, here come the story of my two friends who are experiencing their own, but related, trials... and I feel so bad for any negative thought related to wishing I wasn't the only one.

My heart breaks for both friends, for the friend whose baby is doing well but still has months ahead in a NICU, and for the friend whose baby is in Heaven with Hailey now. Again, I am reminded that this life and this world are not all about me and how I make so much of this process in losing Hailey all about me. So I am re-examining my heart and shedding some of those negative emotions and thoughts that have been hanging around for too long. And once again, I am reminded at how precious all life is and to not take any life, new, old, for granted as I did before Hailey.

Strangely enough, since my break down, the days haven't been as difficult with missing Hailey or having too many sad thoughts about her. I'm doing okay with my grief for the moment. I think in some ways the events of this week continue to make me all the more appreciative of the time I spent with her in my womb and the time I spent with her in my arms. I could always say it wasn't enough time, but it was more time than many many others have with their precious babies.

So I am thinking of and praying for all of these friends tonight and where they all are in their individual journeys with their babies. And all I know is "God gives. God takes. God's name be ever blessed."

Faith Dare Friday, #2

(This week's FAITHdare, #2, is at the bottom of this post).

FAITHdare #1 "TIME" - My Reflections:

This past week's dare was tithing your time. Giving 10% of your time to God each day, which means spending 2.4 hours working on your relationship with God.

I confess that I pretty much failed at this dare, but I am so glad I took it. It made me so much more conscious of how much time I was actually giving to God and what kind of quality that time actually was. The dare also made me learn some really important lessons about my current walk with God. Here is what I learned...

I am the biggest distraction that gets in the way of my time with God. I am selfish with my time; 'my' things are more important or 'fun.' I learned I have an awful habit of saying, "I'll meet with you later God. I can't right now. I'm too busy. I have [x] to do." I had my routine and unfortunately devoting quality, uninterrupted time with God was not a part of it. I couldn't spend time with him in the mornings because that's when I exercise and get ready for the day. (Even though some might think I have all the free time in the world and giving God my time should be easy for me, but I have my own routine and things that keep me busy.) Then I like to go through my usual routines of cleaning up the house, taking care of the dishes, watering the plants, making lunch, checking email, etc. I always think in my mind I will spend time with God once I'm ready to start my day. But of course the way my routine works out I get so wrapped up in my 'stuff' and new things pop up that need to be taken care of and distract me from making that commitment.  By the time I have time to give to God, my mind and body are tired from the stresses and activities of the day that I say, "I'm in no shape to give myself to you now God. I need to rest and [insert activity here - often times it's the desire to watch a TV show]." Which is funny in itself because nothing can rest my soul like God. So it seems that I tell God I'm going to make an appointment with him, and I always stand him up. I should also mention that I learned that any time I'm doing an activity that could grow my relationship with God like my online devotional or praying or anything else,  my attempts are always rushed and halfhearted. I haven't been looking to truly take time and reap the benefits.

I will admit, the idea of spending over 2 hours completely devoted to growing in my relationship with God was daunting . If I had slots of 15 or 30 minutes to give to him, I wouldn't or I wouldn't count it because I told myself it wouldn't be the quality or the quantity of the time I need. However, I quickly learned that giving something is better than nothing, and the more I gave, the easier it became to give more.

So I miserably failed this dare on day one, and over the weekend I gave a little of my time here or there to God by spending my usual time in prayer at night (which is weak I know), doing my devotional with my husband, and reading my book about being a strong Christian woman with a soft heart, which all means I failed on days two and three as well. And did I open my Bible once? I can't even remember so that probably means no. The week began, and I c0ntinued to stand up God even though I had the intentions of meeting with him. I tried here and there. But I was giving God my leftovers and still completely missing the point of the faith dare.

The turning, or breaking, point was the break down I had this week. It opened my eyes to the fact that I'd been withholding my heart from God as I struggled with not feeling his love and living in disappointment, holding grudges against others and God, and trying to do everything by myself. I learned I really hadn't wanted to spend time with him, and that is exactly why I was struggling. I wonder if I will ever realize that walking away from God is the last thing I should do when I'm in pain or having problems. So my break down made me forgive in my heart the grudges I'd been holding, to seek forgiveness for my own sinful behavior toward God and others, and made me give my heart back over to God. Once I realized all of that my thirst for God's word and desire to spend time with him increased, but my little heart was still weary and not fully surrendering to my need for God.

But on Wednesday I went all in and took the dare... and did it! Now I didn't time myself, but I probably reached my goal of 10%. Here's what I did:

It took a little forcing, but I turned off the TV, closed the laptop, got everything ready, and sat myself down at the kitchen table with a glass of sweet tea and said, "I'm here God, and I'm all yours."

I spent time reading my online devotional and actually got out a journal and a pen and wrote out my answers to the questions it asked me. (Remember how I said that I need to slow down? Well reflecting and handwriting my thoughts really helped.) Then I read a chapter in my book Strong Women, Soft Hearts , and, again, sat down with my journal and hand-wrote my answers to the questions at the end of the chapter. The benefits of slowing down and taking time where immediate. I continued by spending time in God's word. I decided for the FAITHdare that I would read the book of Isaiah. It's a long one, one I've never read, and one whose verses have been appearing over and over to me lately. So I began to read - oh and I should mention that this time I actually made myself close my eyes and say a complete prayer for God to prepare my heart, give me wisdom to understand what I read, and help me hear what he is speaking to me through his words - something I had gotten very bad at doing. Also, in the past for some reason I've always felt limited to reading a chapter a day - why? I wondered. Who says you can't read more? So I read, reading to understand not reading just to do it, and read and read. I read seven chapters, and then I wrote about them in my journal. And last but certainly not least, I also spent some more time reading the various Christian blogs I like.

That is how I completed started FAITHdare #1. Wednesday was a turning point. Yes, I confess, this FAITHdare was difficult to start, but once I sat down and just did it, it's so much easier. Yesterday and today I believe I have fulfilled the FAITHdare, but again, I stopped timing myself because if I focus on the time I'm focusing on the wrong thing. For the most part I actually am setting aside one chunk of my day for most of the learning and growing, but that doesn't limit me to doing those kinds of faith growing activities in the morning and at night. I am definitely going to be continuing this dare. I already feel closer to God, have been reminded of many lessons and promises, have learned more about God's character, the history of Christianity, and who I am designed to be in God's eyes. Not to mention that with all of this has come the added gifts of peace, comfort, and wisdom. No this has not been a cure all or erased all of my struggles, but it made me allow myself to be helped through them with God. Instead of running from him, I look forward to running to him during this 10% of my day I give only to him. I pray I can continue this dare and continue to be successful at it.

So FAITHdare #1 and week one are over ... let's see what's next!

FAITHdare #2 Dreaming His Dreams (Click)

1) Click HERE.  Beside the title, "What the Gospel Demands," click "Notes" and print the handout.  Then cuddle up with your Bible, the handout, and a pen and watch the video below in its entirety...TWICE...

2) Memorize Matthew 10. Yes, I said memorize.  Now, before you freak out on me, let me finish. Choose for yourself how you will divide it up.  Maybe you work on a verse a day for a little more than a month.  Maybe you do two verses a day.  It doesn't matter, just so you MEMORIZE IT... In fact, this is His commission to the disciples (to YOU and ME), His final instructions before sending them out into the world. These are the instructions you are giving up everything to follow...so read the fine print, and put it into your heart.  Remember, His loves are your loves...His dreams are your dreams.  You are not above ANY of His words.

Don't forget - you can take the dares with me! I'd love it if you would! And if you'd share about your experiences with me!

Carrying Burdens =A Heavy Heart

These days I have a heavy heart. Possibly heavier than ever before. Do you know the quote, “Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water"? Well it's true, and I let the flood gates open yesterday driving home from grocery shopping, sobbing until I couldn't sob anymore. Alone in my car, I felt it an emotionally safe place to do so. In looking back I probably shouldn't have done it driving because it could have been dangerous, but no worries, I was fine...

To start let me explain. I classify myself as a strong, independent woman in the way I handle my struggles and negative emotions. I don't like to cry in front of others and rarely do. I don't complain to others about my problems. I rarely talk about my true inner feelings and emotions to people. I can write about most of them sure no problem, but I don't find it comfortable hearing myself say them out loud for some reason. If there is a crisis, I am typically the one standing tall, not expressing emotion, thinking logically, thinking about everyone but myself, taking care of everyone else. I am the comforter, but I do not like to open myself up so that I can be comforted.

With my own problems and struggles, I tend to be independent in that I handle them by myself, with God of course, (and my husband - but he doesn't count with any of this because he's my other half). I don't go to others for help really. It's just not in my nature. I don't like people feeling sorry for me or worrying about me or thinking less of me because of my struggles. Whatever my problem or struggle, I often logically analyze it. I know what the problem is, I know how it should be fixed or handled in God's eyes, and then I follow through... but that's always the hard part. I often know what to do or what God would want me to do, so in my mind why should I ask anyone else for help. I'm not trying to say I know all of the answers or sound conceited, but most of the time I do know how I should be responding to a problem. I usually don't feel like I need help from people when it comes to asking questions, seeking advice, or just having them listen to me complain or vent.

But lately, I have come to realize the dangers that exist in this strong, independent role I feel led to play in my life.

Most of the time God gives me strength to make it through my day with a smile on my face, a genuine, God-given smile. But there are also many days where I don't feel happy or any sense of God-given joy, and I have to force myself to smile. Actually, I have become quite good at these forced smiles, the shallow answer of "Good" or "Okay" to "How are you?"  Really on the inside I'm anything but and barely holding it together. But you would never know.

Yesterday forced me to see this in myself.

You see, I had been having a rough few days. My latest struggle is with disappointment. You name an area of my life, and I can tell you why I'm disappointed. I feel disappointment in plans that never happened, in people who let me down, and, confession, in God's love, goodness, and plans. It's nothing new to see an earthly plan fail or have a person disappoint you, but I never thought God would disappoint me. (First let me just say that I know I should not be disappointed in the God of the Universe, my maker, but I am! I hate it, but I am!) Confession: I am disappointed that he didn't give me a healthy baby. I am disappointed that he let her die. I am disappointed that he let my dad die. I am disappointed that he made me grieve them at the same time. I am disappointed that he allows others to hurt me. I am disappointed in the life God has given me. I am disappointed that he isn't fixing all of my problems and that new ones keep coming my way. (Isn't that horrible??)

The logical part of me knows that my life is not a disappointment. It knows that God loves me and cares for me. It knows that God's plan for my life will be carried out and he will work it for his good. It knows Gods promises to not fail or forsake me. It knows all of this. But the problem lately is my mind knows but my heart doesn't. There's a disconnect. I tell my heart the things it needs to hear over and over again, but it's like I can't communicate with my heart. And it's beyond frustrating. Everything that I feel disappointed in, I have been carrying around as a burden. Everything that I feel disappointed in breaks my heart. And lately, the disappointment and burdens have been piling up and piling up and literally making my heart feel like it's being crushed under the weight of it all, making me feel like I'm suffocating.

So while I've been feeling all of the pressures of my burdens, my grief, my disappointment, I have been doing a good job of pretending on the outside that they're not there. I don't let anyone see this ugly part of me because I don't want to be a bad example, I don't want them to think that I think I'm right about how I feel, and I don't want them to think 'poor her.' So I fake the smile. I fake the, "I'm doing good."

But yesterday got the best of me, and I needed it. It almost felt like a kick in the butt from God, in a good way.

As I went about my day with my heavy, messed up heart, I became overly aware as to how many times people were asking me how I was doing in greeting. From people at the gym, yoga class, and the grocery store, I counted at least 5 different times when someone asked me how I was and I replied with, "I'm good thanks." Really I said it because that's what they wanted to hear, but in fact inside I was screaming, "I'm doing terrible actually. My baby died 6 months ago. I miss my family..." and so on. As I went about shopping for groceries, my mind sort of began writing this blog post. The fact is that some days I am simply not okay, but I am good at pretending I am. Yesterday, I was so mad that I was not okay but that I felt forced to tell everyone the opposite. I barely unloaded the groceries from my shopping cart without tears coming out. Once that door was shut, and I felt safely, hidden behind my sunglasses and tinted windows, I lost my facade, lost all control, and just sobbed.

In my sobbing mess, I realized I had been holding a lot inside, even more than I realized, I hadn't been giving myself permission to feel half of the emotions I knew I was feeling, and I realized that I had no outlet for these emotions. Usually I write and it's a great outlet for me, but most of what I was feeling I hadn't written about let alone talked about. And in playing my role as the strong girl I hadn't allowed myself to address what I was feeling because I thought a lot of it wrong. Strangely enough, breaking down under the pressures of my burdens, acknowledging that I am not perfect and it's okay to not have it all together sometimes as long as I don't let go of my faith I will be okay, and surrendering to the pain - even though that's the last thing I wanted to do - actually helped. For every tear I shed, my heart felt lighter.

Is my heart still heavy? Unfortunately, yes. So where does this all leave me?

Well as I was breaking down yesterday I would have told you alone or nowhere - that's the problem I've been having for awhile. I'm stuck in a pit of pain and disappointment, and I just don't see God giving me the way out. But now that I have broken down, gotten real with myself, and am getting real with God, I have a different answer. And ironically, in case I didn't learn it yesterday, God made sure it was clear today when I read it in my online devotional from Girlfriends in God (This is written by Mary Southerland):

We constantly need to check our emotional balance, guarding the emotional withdrawals we allow and diligently making consistent emotional deposits.  Prayer, solitude, Bible study, friendships, service, accountability and a guarded thought life are just a few of the deposits that can make the difference between emotional health and emotional bankruptcy.  Emotional imbalance occurs when we operate in our own strength, doing our "own thing" instead of wholly depending upon God and living in the parameters of His will.  When we abandon all that we are to His strength, purpose and power, the Father deposits everything we need to accomplish every good work He created us to do.

So I am in the middle of learning exactly what my devotional says. While I thought keeping all of my disappointments and negative emotions inside was a good thing because I took it as me guarding my thought life, it wasn't all that, and I was forgetting to make those other emotional deposits I needed and was trying to operate in my own strength.

And, in all honesty, I am in the midst of struggling with feeling disappointed in God because those are definitely not good thoughts to have. I realized that I've actually been kind of avoiding God lately. And yesterday made me realize why. It wasn't just that I was disappointed in God so I didn't want to go to him. It's more that I have been feeling the need to carry my own burdens. I know I am supposed to share them with others, but I haven't always been doing that. I know that my relationship with God allows me to lay my burdens at the cross, leave them at the foot of Jesus. But I definitely haven't been doing that. My problem is that in my mind, how can I lay my burdens down and give them over to God when I feel like all of these disappointments and burdens are from my God who is allowing them to happen to me. In a sense, I feel like he is giving them to me; therefore, I feel like I have no choice but to carry them, and this is wrong of me to think, I know, but getting my heart to release them is another thing.

So I need to share my burdens with others more because God commands me to:

"Carry each other's burdens." Galatians 6:2

And I need to let Jesus carry my burdens because He also commands me to:

"Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." Psalm 55:22

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

God knows my heart, knows my pains, and will rescue me out of the pit of mud that I feel I'm stuck in... someday...

"Rescue me from the mud; don't let me sink any deeper!" Psalm 69:14

In closing, no my pain isn't gone, but I have to say that I feel ten times better than I did two days ago, and my heart feels lighter. Releasing my tears, listening to God about how I've been carrying my burdens and that I need to release them to Him and others, and writing this post have made all the difference. So I'm clinging to God and His promises as though they are my rope to climb out out of my pit.

Today's Bittersweet Anniversaries

Well today my heart is all a mess to be honest, and I don't have any energy for the quality post that I'd like so this will be short and simple ... although everything this post is about is anything but simple...Today is a day of bittersweet anniversaries for me.

Today, July 6, 2010 is my 3 year wedding anniversary. Three years ago today on a beautiful sunny afternoon in Illinois, I married my high school sweetheart and best friend. In the past three years our marriage has seen more ups and downs than most young marriages I imagine, especially in the last 6 months. The losses we've faced have been difficult on us, but we've faced them together and that's the important part. I could go on and on about our marriage and my love for my husband, but like I said, I don't have the energy today. So I will let someone else say it for me:

“God Gave Me You” By Dave Barnes

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

There’s more here than what we’re seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You’ll always be love’s great martyr
I’ll be the flattered fool
and I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

On my own I’m only
Half of what I could be
I can’t do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you, gave me you.
Gave me you.

To my husband, I love you and Happy Anniversary!

Remembering our beautiful wedding day with some pictures that captured some of my favorite moments...

And now for today's other anniversary...

Six months ago today, our first baby passed away. I know I've been writing every month about losing her and what this journey has been like without her, and every month seemed so significant. Yet today, 6 months, for some reason seems like a more significant marker in time, and that significance pains me more than any one will ever know and could ever imagine. I know my baby is in Heaven and one day I will return to her, but those truths do not take away the earthly pain I feel. I can't believe it's already been half of a year since we said goodbye, since I last held her, touched her, smelled her, stared into her big, round eyes... I can't believe it's been that long already. Some say time heals all wounds ... or at least makes the pain more bearable... and in my experience I can say that is true on some days, but today, 6 months later, my pain seems more intensified than ever. And I could write more about this, but I just don't have the energy. So the simple version, I miss holding her, I just miss her.

Miss and love you Ducky.

So today is another bittersweet day. I am so happy and full of love as I celebrate my 3 year marriage to my husband. Yet my grief over losing Hailey is hitting me anew. It's so hard to celebrate and find happiness amidst the grief, but I'm trying...

Independence, Freedom, & The Wounded Soldier

Hope everyone had a safe and Happy 4th of July!

Like all holidays, amidst the business of fireworks, parades, cookouts, and other Independence Day festivities, it's easy to overlook and take for granted why we're celebrating the holiday in the first place. But I hope many of you took some time to remember and give thanks to all of the brave men (and women) who fought and continue to fight for our country as they make many sacrifices along the way.

Faith Dare Friday, #1

On the radio this week I heard about a new book coming out this month called The Faith Dare by Debbie Alsdorf, and it sounds awesome! If any of you are familiar with the popular book The Love Dare by Alex and Stephen Kendrick, which the movie Fireproof is based off of, you will have a similar idea as to what The Faith Dare is all about.

After hearing about it on the radio, I conducted a Google search to learn more, and I came across a blog called The FAITHdare. I have been trying to figure out how related the blog is to the book, and I'm still not completely sure. I don't think the blog follows the book, but it definitely shares the same basic idea. So since I'm really excited about it, don't have the book, don't want to have to wait to order it and have it shipped, and quite frankly can save money... I'm going to follow the FAITHdare blog I came across (and read the book later).

So I thought it would be fun, and more beneficial, for me to dedicate some of my blog posts to it; therefore, my Friday posts for the rest of the year will be called "Faith Dare Friday." Every Friday I will post what the dare is for the coming week and reflect back on my experiences with the dare from the previous week. For example, today, I will give the first faith dare, and next Friday I will reflect back on how the dare went in my life and give the second faith dare. Make sense? Plus I thought that blogging about it would be fun in case anyone else out there wants to do the dares with me!

Here is the basic idea behind the FAITHdare (from the blog):

THE DARE:

365 days of seeking out resolute trust, reckless faith, and radical obedience.

52 simple challenges with life-shattering consequences.

12 areas of my life (and yours if you choose to join me) exposed and revolutionized:

1. My (YOUR) personal relationship with Jesus

2. My (YOUR) 21st century idols and addictions

3.  My (YOUR) attitude toward unbelievers

4. My (YOUR) pride

5. MY (YOUR) MONEY

6. My (YOUR) possessions

7.  My (YOUR) time

8. My (YOUR) talents

9. My (YOUR) vanity

10. My (YOUR) ignorance

11. MY (YOUR) attitude toward the oppressed

12. My (YOUR) prayer life

Everyday does not have to be ordinary.

Will you accept the challenge?

I dare you to count the cost.

{One dare a week}

{New area of life every month}

(I should also mention that the blog started the faith dares in March, so my blog and faith dares are getting a late start and won't be on track with the faith dare blog. So I am just going back and starting at the beginning.)

Click to read about FAITHdare #1

"So here's the FAITHdare, and it has two parts:
1) Take a good hard look at your reality of TIME. Are you numbering your days, or sleeping?
2) Commit to give God the first fruit of your time this week, DARING to "tithe" 10% of your day (2 hours and 24 minutes) to building relationship with Jesus..."