My Unexpected Baby Shower

Without getting into the somewhat elaborate scheme of the day yesterday, my husband and I arrived at our friend Katie's house in the afternoon to, what I thought, was to go through some baby boy items she no longer needed now that her son was older and see if we wanted any of them. Not expecting anything, one, because they all did a fabulous job of keeping it a surprise, and, two, because I am the most gullible person in the world, I rang her doorbell expecting Katie to answer and do just that. Instead, her door opened and I was greeted by a face I never expected to see, that of our friend, our mentor, who used to be one of our OCF (Officers' Christian Fellowship) leaders at Ft. Rucker, who has become like family to us, Jennifer, who is also now stationed at Ft. Knox, which is about 3 hrs from where we are at Ft. Campbell.

My first thought at seeing her was Jennifer! What a pleasant surprise! What's she doing here? And then a nanosecond later I see Katie out of the corner of my eye with a huge flashing camera in front of her face snapping pictures left and right, and my next thought was Oh my gosh, I think I just walked in on my own surprise party. Oh my goodness I'm about to have a baby shower thrown for me. Thankfully, with it being a surprise and all, I didn't have time to dwell on that or let that thought process go too much further because I soon saw the beautiful smiling faces of my friends around the corner. I did however have to give myself an instant pep talk about how I will not cry and how I will make sure to show everyone how happy and thankful I am to have them all there for me. I looked back at my husband who came in behind me and realized we were probably not going out to lunch with his commander that afternoon, which he confirmed and then snuck out after giving me a quick kiss.

Indeed I was surprised and unprepared and those were probably very good things and were what needed to happen. You see, had anyone asked or approached me about having a baby shower, I would have quickly turned them down.

Here's why. To attempt (keyword, attempt) to make a long story short, since losing Hailey, baby showers and I don't mix well emotionally. I have a hard time, whether it's for myself or someone else, being a part of something that celebrates and assumes that the parents will bring that baby home, will watch that baby grow, etc. when I know that doesn't always happen, when in my own experience, instead of coming home from the hospital with a healthy baby, I came home almost 2 weeks later with a sick one and had to begin preparing for her death. To me a baby shower represents the extreme high of a hopeful, expectant mother who is pure and innocent, and I know that I cannot assume or expect that because I went from that type of mother to an extreme low when I became a babylost mother. The innocence, the ignorance, the naivete, the pure joy of the expectant mother at her baby shower to my tainted eyes and heart is something that is frustrating and saddens me, but it's my reality. The experience of seeing the same faces at Hailey's memorial service who I had seen not too many months before at my baby showers... to remember the sight of those eager and happy faces as I opened their gifts and talked to them at my shower and to then look at those same faces crushed, full of sorrow, not knowing what words to say to me... That experience was hard and the memory is heartbreaking...  And of course, I fear that happening again, so in my attempt to control to that fear, my solution was no baby showers for myself. I would be more than happy to have a baby shower after baby boy is here when I'm not assuming I have a future with him, I am knowing it...but I didn't want one before he comes. Not to mention, I didn't think I could emotionally handle it. I feared a baby shower would bring up some difficult emotions and crush me. I feared having a baby shower thrown for me where I would be overcome by a sorrow that didn''t allow me to celebrate the way a mother should at her baby shower.

But there I was yesterday, smack dab in the middle of my own surprise baby shower. In a way, I was facing a fear, and I had no choice.

To be honest, initially a small part of me was upset when my husband kissed me goodbye and left me. He knew about this? How could he do this to me? I thought he knew why I didn't want a baby shower... How could he put me through this emotional turmoil and make me face it by myself??

But again, thankfully it was a surprise, and I really had no time to let these thoughts go too much further.

I'm happy to report that my fears were not realized, and I was not in emotional turmoil at my shower, and I was not overcome with sorrow, whether it was sorrow related to my past with Hailey or sorrow related to my unknown future with our baby boy. Instead, God used my baby shower to show me something and fill me with some other things... And I'm so thankful I didn't have the option to run away from it because I so desperately needed what God had in store for me.

You see, I really had the best time at my baby shower and that is because God gave me His eyes for me. The hosts and guests may not have known this, but my shower was not necessarily about celebrating and assuming I'd have a certain future with my baby boy. It didn't focus on me making plans and talking about how I envisioned my future with our baby boy. It didn't require me to fake emotions or fake a conversation about the future to make others more comfortable or to "play" the role of the happy expectant mother at her baby shower. Maybe the best way I can put it is that the baby shower wasn't about the future for me. It was about the present. In fact, it was God fulfilling exactly what I needed in the present.

It wasn't about chatting about the future acting like I'm in control of what happens or about the gifts (although I did appreciate the gifts and thought they were all incredibly thoughtful and adorable and of course I oohed and aahed over everything because there's no denying the cuteness of baby things and there's no denying that I want to be able to use them all...) So yes I was showered in gifts, but it wasn't about that.

Instead, yesterday God allowed me to be showered with the things I needed and the things that truly mattered. Yesterday I was showered with friendship. With kindness. With compassion. With love. With support. And even with prayer. All of those things I so desperately need, God wanted to show me in a big way that I had.

Sometimes my life feels very lonely because most people in my life can't understand or imagine what I've been through with Hailey and what I'm going through now as we wait for our little boy to be born. That place of loneliness can become very dark and isolating and is often a place where my sorrows and fears are born and grown. That's not to say that's anyone's fault; it's just part of the journey I'm on because it's one that only I can be on... But God is continually showing me that he is walking me through it and there are so many others in our lives who are walking beside me as well.

To be in a room full of women yesterday, some of whom I've known for two years, some two months, and some two weeks, and to know that the amount of time we've known each other doesn't define the friendship that exists is completely amazing. To look into the face of each woman in that room and know for a fact that God placed us in each others' lives for a reason is completely amazing. To be in a room full of women who yesterday, whether they know it or not, demonstrated optimistic and encouraging hearts was the very thing my own heart, which has become so pessimistic and completely fragile, needed. To be in a room full of women who, again, whether they know it or not, demonstrated some of God's own love for me, was something I so desperately needed. To be in that room yesterday and feel overwhelming support from them was something I so desperately needed - because as strong-headed and stubborn as I can be, it's clear that much of this time on my journey I am fragile and breaking and weak and barely keeping my head above water, and I just can't do it on my own. I need God and I need others in my life too to help pick me and support me.

Yesterday, at my baby shower, a place I feared being, a place I feared would fill me with sorrow, a place I feared would be an act that I would have to pretend at... turned out to be none of those. It was a place where everyone there knew my story. Everyone there knew me. Everyone there had compassion. Everyone there allowed me to feel safe.

One thing many of you reading this may not understand is that being an Army wife sometimes adds an extra sense of isolation to my journey. Not too long ago, I moved here, to a new place, where I had no friends, and making friends can be difficult for me. It's hard to seek out friendships because I tend to be insecure and introverted, but in knowing that sometimes I have to compensate for myself, I keep putting myself in situations to build friendships. I prayed and prayed for the Lord to place women in my life who I can come to have true friendships with. Over time, through two Christian-based organizations, I came to have many acquaintances, and thankfully within the last few months several have turned into growing friendships. So to be at my baby shower yesterday and see all friendships in my life here and to see them all at the same place at the same time was something my eyes and heart needed to see.

To all of you who were at my shower yesterday, I will be handwriting individual thank yous to you, but I wanted to write this 'collective thank you' to all also (and some of this you may see repeated on your individual cards, but bear with me, my heart needs to say this):

To Jennifer, Thank you for wanting to throw and for planning a baby shower for me. Thank you for listening to God on that one because I do think it was from him. God seems to use you in big ways in my life when I need it the most, like those walks and lunches you'd invite me on after we lost Hailey, when inside I didn't want to leave the house, but you and God seemed to know I needed it.

To my husband, Thank you for knowing me better than myself, for listening to God (whether you're aware or not it was from him), and for giving the okay and encouraging and helping Jennifer orchestrate the surprise shower. I really did not want a baby shower, but I think you and God saw that I needed something I didn't know I needed.

To Katie, It's funny how God has made our paths cross and developed an instant friendship despite not having spent all that much time together. Thank you for helping with and hosting my shower at your beautiful home and opening it up to all those women, many of whom you didn't know.

To Claire and Holly, First and foremost, thank you for essentially being the two ladies in my life here who are loving the Lord and are leading other women, including myself, to love the Lord and each other. Thank you for your roles in helping Jennifer with the guest list and inviting all the women here who mean so much to me.

To everyone I just mentioned and to all of my guests at my shower yesterday (there are too many of you to name individually on here, but please try to take this collective thank you personally), Seeing each and every one of your beautiful smiling faces at my shower meant so much to me, more than you can probably ever know. You all are honestly some of the most beautiful people inside and out that I have ever been blessed to know. Each of your gifts was perfect and greatly appreciated. However, truly, the best gifts you all gave me yesterday were not ones I could touch, but ones that I felt and have deeply affected me.

I can't say it enough: Thank you for your presence. For your friendship. For your smiles. For your hugs. For your warmth. For your positivity. For your conversation and laughter. For your thoughtfulness. For your kindness.  For your compassion. For your understanding. For your prayers. And most of all, for your love and support.

I want you to know that yesterday while you think you may have gone and done what anyone would do, buy a gift and go to a baby shower for someone you know who is expecting, you did so much more than that. You all truly allowed God to shine through you and I am so thankful to have experienced that. So whether you know it or not, yesterday was not just a typical old baby shower, it was a God orchestrated moment in my life to open my eyes to something that I had not known, and it was something He planned for you all to be a part of.

Like I mentioned above, God used yesterday's baby shower to show me that my baby shower was less about our baby's future and more about Him helping me in my present moment. I am so grateful God promises me he will never leave me, no matter how hard or dark or lonely or scary things seem in my life, and am so grateful for his provision of people and relationships in my life that he works through to partner beside me and show me firsthand what love and support and encouragement look like.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for my 'unexpected' baby shower. I truly didn't expect to have one, and I truly didn't expect the one I'd have to function in my life the way it has.