I don't cry...

Oh, I am very weary,
Though tears no longer flow;
My eyes are tired of weeping,
My heart is sick of woe.
Anne Bronte

I have never been one to cry openly. If tragedy hits, of course I feel the urge to cry, my throat tightens as I hold back the tears, but I don't cry in front of others. I allow others to break down into tears as I stand strong, trying to be a source of comfort and a voice of wisdom. I push back my emotions and take care of the situation at hand. Later, when I'm alone, I allow the tears to flow freely. For as long as I can remember I've been this way. It's not so much a conscientious effort, it just seems to be a part of who I am.

With Hailey and my dad, the ultimate tragedies in my life, I surprised myself by behaving as I always have in the midst of a crisis. Ask anyone who was with me during those times, and they will affirm this. It's not that I didn't cry or didn't want to cry, because I did. I jus did so in private.

With Hailey people were always around us, so we rarely had moments alone. In the hospital with her, I would seek refuge in the bathroom and sob until I had nothing left in me. At home with Hailey, again I would seek to be alone when I cried, usually doing so in the shower or in bed late at night.

Other than the moment shared between my husband, my mother-in-law, and myself immediately after receiving the devastating news that Hailey was going to die, my husband is the only one I allow myself to completely break down in front of.

The day my dad passed away I was flying home to be with him. My mother-in-law was driving me home and my brother called me with the news that my dad had passed while I was in the air. While in my mind any normal person would have probably broken down or started crying upon hearing that their father died, I didn't. Sure I wanted to, but I didn't. I saved it for when I was alone.

I've always been this way. Again, it doesn't mean I don't feel, but I've just always been one to feel, suppress in front of others, and express later in private.

If I'm alone watching a sad movie, I will cry. If there's another person with me watching the same movie, and I want to cry, I don't. The sorrow and the tears are always there, I just control them.

But it's not that way for me anymore. This is particularly true when it comes to other people losing their children. I sympathize, I empathize, but rarely do I shed tears anymore.

When I was pregnant with Hailey, the pastor of our church shared a story of how he was asked to do the funeral for a baby. I remember him talking about how extremely difficult it was for him seeing the tiny casket, and I remember him indicating the size with his arms. I wanted to start crying right then and there, Josh put his arm around me and gave me a squeeze, like don't worry, it's not going to happen to us. I couldn't imagine the sorrows of those parents' loss...as I sat there pregnant...not knowing it would soon be me, my baby in the tiny casket. I think I cried in the car on the way home.

Today, almost 9 months since Hailey passed away, if I were to see or hear the same story, I don't know if I'd cry or feel like I was going to. The stories and sights of miscarriages, still births, infant deaths, tiny caskets, tiny gravestones, etc. don't have the same effect on me now that I've experienced it myself with Hailey.

When someone first sees an infant casket, it's shocking, it's devastating. I don't feel that shock or that devastation that makes me want to cry anymore. I still feel sorrow, and like I said, my heart goes out to the families, and I sympathize and empahize. It's just that the tears don't come.

Perhaps it's because I've been there and experienced the tragedy and grief firsthand. Perhaps it's because it's become so commonplace in my life now, and I'm desensitized. I don't know why it is or care to know why it is, it just is. I went from never crying in public and only in private, to not even having the desire to cry. I feel a little numb towards it all or like I've hit a dry season with my tears. It's not to say I don't cry anymore, I do, especially when it comes to Hailey. I just cry less, and I don't cry over the losses of others as much. (I hope that doesn't make me sound cold-hearted.)

And I'm sure after I post this, my dry season will be over, and I'll find myself crying all the time because things just seem to work out like that sometimes...

Walking, Wounded & Healing

Lately I've been continuing to learn to walk this 'new' life of mine, with God's help of course, because when I try to walk on my own, I end up stumbling and falling. Sometimes my life feels like it's as though I'm wearing a blindfold, carefully placing one foot cautiously in front of the other, with my arm outstretched, desperately holding onto God's hand as he leads me down my path. I know my eternal destination, but I don't know where I'm going here or what's in store for me next, but I do know I have the best guide in the world to lead me.

My faith and my walk with God has grown by leaps and bounds this year. I have a greater understanding and more of his wisdom about life, who I am, who he is, and how to do this life with him. I don't think my faith would be where it is now without having experienced the tragedies I have this year. Faith and following God is easy when life is how you want it to be. It's easy to feel blessed and praise him when the season you're in is happy, just how you imagined or planned. But the real test of being a Christ follower occurs when life is not how you want it to be, when tragedy or hardship strikes and it's full of pain and suffering. It's trying. It's hard. But it's more real. It's eye-opening. It's deeper. It's better.

If you're a Christian, are you a true Christ follower or are you a fair weather friend? I think it's a challenging question that perhaps can only be truly answered when you're confronted with the dark times life inevitably brings.

And for me, every day also brings with it more healing, peace, and joy. But my walk remains one of a wounded person, a wounded mother. Every day still brings opportunities for me to feel loss, pain, anger, sorrow, jealousy, and so on. I'm learning to walk in spite of those challenges. I'm learning to acknowledge those 'moments of darkness' (as I refer to them) in every day and look at them with God's perspective.

There are days where I acknowledge a moment of darkness, and it brings me swiftly to my knees in tears. There are days where a moment makes my eyes wet with silent tears easily brushed away. And still there are days when I give it a sorrowful nod of recognition, turn my head, and continue on.

Every single day brings with it moments that are painful reminders of Hailey's death and my life as a mother without my baby. Every day. Different reminders. Different moments of darkness. And every day I must face them. And no two moments of confrontation are the same. And most of the time the average person on the outside is oblivious to the battle I'm facing inside.

This morning after church, during which one of 'those' moments confronted me (two moms holding their newborns seated in front of me if you must know), I came home and read this blog post:

There is something to be said for the hardest, most difficult, gut wrenching times in our life. While we are going through them, we may be numb to what is going on. Our minds have a way of protecting us and keeping us from what would otherwise be overwhelming. But when it comes to the surface, the pain is just as fresh as if it had happened that day. It is all still there. Time does not heal all wounds. Only God heals these kinds of wounds. Wounds of the heart. Wounds of the soul. Wounds of the spirit. Wounds that can only be healed by Jesus.

All I could think as I read every word of that paragraph was that it's so true. So true.

The whole ordeal with Hailey's birth left me in a place of numbness. Sure I felt severe pain and cried only God knows how many tears while she was with us, but I was numb a lot of the time. It was perhaps a gift from God. That numbness gave me the ability to smile just as much as I cried, the ability to smile for a picture even when I knew our baby was dying, the ability to cherish the time we had with her, the ability to take care of her, and so on. There was a numbness there that enabled me to continue on so that I wasn't crushed by an overwhelming situation.

But like the writer writes, what has been numbed does come to the surface with time and over time and more than once. And that pain is always fresh and always there.

One of the greatest truths I've learned is the one expressed by the writer above. While time can help, only God has the power to heal these wounds of mine. And he is healing them. But it's not in a way in which they're healed, gone, and everything's perfect again. It's much different than that. And the true healing of my wounds, or yours, won't be experienced this side of Heaven.

Yesterday we went to the beach to go snorkeling. We had so much fun. And the average person on the outside might never see it or know, but Hailey is always with us. She's always in our thoughts. She's everywhere we go. It doesn't matter if there's a baby there to remind me or we're having a conversation about her or not; she's there on my mind, in my heart whether anyone is aware of it or not. Which is why yesterday you would have found us in the middle of our snorkeling and adventures on the beach stopped to sculpt a butterfly in the sand and write her name with the seashells.

Love you munchkin.

Busy and Blessed

Wow, this week has been a busy week! (I'm sort of glad I have yet to receive  a phone call to substitute because I'm not sure I would have had time to this week!)

I am so thankful for the busyness of this week because most of it involved Hailey's Hope and all of the amazing things we have going on!

This week our mailbox was overflowing with mail for Hailey's Hope, and it seemed like every day packages awaited us at our doorstep. I spent a lot of time receiving donations, updating and organizing our inventory, and writing thank you cards. We received donations from friends and strangers and started to receive some of the items purchased with our portion of the Pepsi Refresh grant.

This week my Project Sweet Peas inbox was also full of emails from people expressing their sympathies for our loss and their encouragement of our project as well as from people asking what we need and where they can send their donations. I enjoyed every minute of reading and responding to those much appreciated emails, many from old friends and strangers.

And of course, I devoted quite a few hours to creating coin collection jars for Hailey's Hope and then going to local businesses asking if they would be willing to set them out by their registers for us.  This was my first attempt at reaching out to the local community for support (it was a little nerve-racking!), and I'm so thankful for the 7 businesses who so kindly agreed to do this for us. I will collect the jars at the end of October and hopefully they will be full of donations for us!

I've also been working on some smaller items of business for Hailey's Hope & Project Sweet Peas, but I won't get into all the minor details - you get the idea.

This week's busyness has come as such as blessing, and the outpouring of donations and support this week has been AMAZING! I can't wait to get our bags into the hands of the families who so greatly need them!

To everyone who has shown their support to us this week:

"...May the Lord reward you for your kindness..." Ruth 1:8

Hailey's Hope ~2 Months to Deadline

I am so thrilled with all of the wonderful things happening for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas!

For instance, yesterday we received our largest donation yet!

I drove to meet some members of my best friend's family so that they could drop off a huge delivery to us. They had been talking with me for some time about all they were doing and warned me that they had several boxes to give to me. But even after all of that, I was  still stunned as we loaded 6 boxes of items into my car! When I arrived home and unloaded the boxes from my car, I of course immediately opened them and peeked at all the items! I definitely was like a kid on Christmas morning.

Here are the boxes of items:



This afternoon I spent a couple of hours unpacking and inventorying their donations. They gathered and donated over 200 items to us! Can you believe it?!

I am in awe of their support and generosity. It truly warms my heart and soul. So many families are going to be blessed by what they've done and given. For lack of a better word, because I'm still somewhat speechless about it all, it's amazing.

As I mentioned, I updated our inventory list today for what items we have for our basic bags and angel boxes so I can see what we still need to reach our goal of 50 basic NICU bags and 10 angel boxes for our delivery on Hailey's 1st birthday, December 1st, 2010.

The deadline for donating items is mid-November (so that I have enough time to put together the bags); this means we are a little less than 2 months away from that deadline and a little over 2 months away from our delivery.

So here is where we are today with our inventory and what we need:

We do not need anymore of the following items: clothing, picture frames/ photo albums, cameras, and pens. (Of course if you've already planned on donating these items please do; we will either use them to surpass our delivery goal or use them next time).

We are close to reaching our goal for the following items: stuffed animals, notebooks, kleenex packs, and baby hats.

Items we still need a significant amount of: baby blankets, baby/children's books, baby socks, baby brushes, hand/foot print or mold kits, birth record pillows, puzzle books

Priority items that we really, really need: scratch mittens and toiletry items (toothbrushes, toothpaste, shampoo, soap, shaving items, chapstick, etc.)

Thanks to those who have donated to us so far for our 2nd round of deliveries!

If you haven't donated anything yet but are planning on it, I hope these lists will help you with ideas for what you can give.

To see pictures that show the progress of gathering donations for our 2nd delivery you can view the album on our Facebook page.

Through my looking glass...

This weekend I reached what I think of as a milestone in my healing.

One of the greatest sources of grief for me has been being around pregnant women and women with their babies. The reason being that my grief has made me use them as a looking glass. I compare myself to them. I look into the looking glass grief has given me...

They are a mirror, and I stand in front of it viewing my life and theirs.

I look in the mirror and see everything I want but don't have.

I look at them, jealous and envious of their innocence, naivete, and joy as they prepare to or welcome their baby into the world, and I see myself lacking all of that, broken, tarnished.

I look at them, jealous and envious of their babies, chubby, healthy, and perfect, and I see Hailey, thin, sick, with a nasal cannula.

I look at them, jealous and envious of the worries, stresses, and sorrows they don't have and can't imagine, and I see my pain and grief that have been etched into my soul like scars.

I look at them and see what could have been me and Hailey, but isn't. We are the opposite of what they are.

If they are blessed, does that make me cursed? Of course not... but I think it...

What they have is what my void is, which is why being around them or seeing them or hearing about them has been known to trigger my deep pain and sorrow.

Someone recently asked me to explain more about why certain women and babies trigger this in me while others don't. I've tried to understand it myself, and this is what I've learned...

When I first had and lost Hailey, it was any mother-to-be or any mother and her baby (from newborn to a year old) - whether I knew them personally, knew them as an acquaintance, or as a complete stranger in a store - that made the pain worse. Then within a little time,  strangers' babies didn't hurt so much, and the real source of pain came from any mother-to-be or new mother with babies (from new born to around a year old) who were a part of my life in some way or another. Gradually over time the moms with older babies and women who were just learning of being pregnant became easier to be around. But still, any woman I've known who has given birth since Hailey died has been difficult for me to be around, her and her baby. Then it became easier to be around the ones who had boys and not girls. New baby girls have been the hardest. Why the difficulties, why the progression? It goes back to what I wrote above. It's my comparing. The haunting questions of "Why?" - why did God give them a healthy baby and why did mine have to die?

Until this week...

This milestone of mine happened when my husband and I went to dinner at our friends' house. They had a baby girl in August. And because of my grief and everything I've just mentioned, I've avoided them. (It's been nothing personal to these friends, and it's never been anything personal towards any of the women and babies). But thanks to our friends' initiative, it was time for us to get together as friends again, and it was time for me to face what I'd been avoiding.

I'm thankful I took this step, which did require some faith and courage. I'm thankful that none of my fears came true and that for the first time in a very long time I was able to be around a new baby girl and a new mom without feeling the ache of holding back tears, without sorrow, without jealousy, without anything negative plaguing me.  Of course I thought of Hailey, of course I missed Hailey - but it's that way every day, and it's that kind of grief I can handle. I was able to genuinely smile and be happy when I saw them. I was okay for the first time with what they have and with what I have; there's no more comparing.

This week I proved to myself that I am healing and coming to a better, healthier place in my life with my grief. Nothing other than time, prayer, and God can be attributed to this milestone I've reached. For me, it's taken over 8 months to reach this point of healing, and I'm so thankful it's finally come. I'm happy to have conquered my jealousy and envy that were eating away at me; it feels soooo good and freeing as another burden I've carried has been released. I'm happy to not let my fears and grief stand in the way of good things anymore, like friendship.

It's my hope that the mirrors I've created to view myself in light of the haves and have nots with others have been shattered and no longer exist to hold me captive and distort how I see myself.

My Face of Loss

A few days ago I discovered a wonderful organization called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Their purpose is "putting a face on on miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss." It is so awesome and so needed. I think it's wonderful that they are helping to put a face on something that has affected so many women and families, something that is often seen as a taboo subject, something that much of society likes to ignore and pretend doesn't exist because it's painful to acknowledge...

In my experience, no one talks about their miscarriages or the losses of their babies. Only after losing Hailey have women, family and friends, bravely stepped out of the shadows and confided in me about their losses.

Before I became the face of infant loss, a part of me (that I'm ashamed to admit) believed that miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss only happened to people who are older, unhealthy, had a family history of problems, had problems conceiving, and so on. But my loss, and as I have entered the community of babylost mothers and have encountered others who have faced the loss of a baby, has made me aware that miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss can and do happen to anyone - even to people who are young, healthy, have no history of any problems, and have no reason to expect it, like us.

I know that death is difficult. I know that the death of a baby is perhaps the most difficult of losses. I know that it's hard to talk about. I know that people don't know what to say. I know that it's painful. I know it can be awkward. I know it causes people to feel helpless. I know people handle grief differently. It seems that people, both who have personally experienced the loss and people who have witnessed someone else going through a loss, sometimes would much rather give a brief acknowledgment of a loss and then sweep it under the carpet and continue on with life. They ignore. Forget. Bury somewhere deep inside. Because it's 'easier.' Grief and tragedy are uncomfortable, difficult. It's more comfortable to be happy, pretend like nothing happened, it's no big deal, try to forget or lock it in a corner of your mind, and move on.

And I'm not judging anyone who has done this because, like I already said, people handle grief and tragedies differently. But, I do want to share my personal feelings on the subject. I do believe that every life, whether 4 weeks gestation or 36 days old, deserves to be remembered, honored, shared about, and not kept hidden inside of someone. I don't believe someone can experience healing until they face the pain. I know first hand enormous difficulty involved in facing the pain. It's hard. It takes courage. It can't be done alone.

So in an attempt to overcome the stigma and misconceptions associated with the loss of a baby, I shared Hailey's story with Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. They posted the story yesterday, Wednesday, Sept. 15. You can see our story and my 'face of loss' featured on their website here.

What I love most about their organization is the Faces of Hope part where they feature stories of parents who have turned their grief into something positive and look at how someone found something good through their loss.  Stories of Hope are shared on Thursdays. I will let you know when my story of hope gets posted (it should be in a few weeks).

It's my prayer and hope by sharing my face of loss to help remind other women they aren't alone and to break the chains of silence on infant loss so that others can find healing and hope in their own unique grief journeys. But really, I'm most excited to share my story of hope to encourage, inspire, uplift, and bring hope to others...

**Thank you for what you do Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope, and thank you for sharing my story.**

~

Coincidentally (or not?), one of the blogs I subscribe to posted a post today that touches a little on this broad topic of how we tend to look away from suffering instead of looking it face on. It's a post called "Looking Suffering In The Face" by Max Lucado.

Living with a Purpose

(This post is a follow up to several others I've written over the past 8 months. You can find some of them here or  here if you want to read more, even though this post in itself is a lot of reading!)

I have had many conversations with God about my life since losing Hailey. Most involving me desperately trying to figure out God's purpose for me since my two previous purposes and dreams for my life (teaching and being a stay-at-home mom) temporarily died when Hailey did.

Where does my life go from here? What does God want me to do with my life? How can I still use my life, my time, my skills, etc. to serve him? What's his purpose for my life now?

One of the reasons I joined Project Sweet Peas and started Hailey's Hope was because I felt God calling me to fill in the void in my life this way. Some days the things I do for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas keep me busy from the moment I wake up until late into the night, and it feels like a full time job. Other days, like I mentioned, there isn't anything I can do. Things are going very slow, and I feel like I need to be doing more than being a housewife. I know I have a nice life, I know I'm needed as a housewife, but my life hasn't felt like 'enough' since I stopped teaching and lost Hailey.

I'm pretty sure this has been a source of frustration for my husband because he can't understand why I have felt the discontentment over my life the way I have and why I've dwelt on it. I mean let's be real, my daily life is very nice and even cushy. I'm able to do a lot of activities I enjoy and a lot of the time my life feels like an extended summer vacation. And I know that because of my husband's demanding job and schedule, he truly needs me as his wife to be at home so I can take care of him, take care of Opie, and take care of and run our household. So why am I feeling discontent when I'm being able to serve my husband and our home and able to do things I enjoy? I needed something more and got that from Hailey's Hope, so why am I still discontent? He hasn't understood it, and I don't blame him because even I haven't always understood it.

I know I am on this earth to serve God and share his love with others. My struggle has been with how I can do this, how I can live with his purpose, fulfill his purpose, and so on.

There are days where I am completely aware God is working through me as I serve my husband as a housewife or as I work to serve strangers who are experiencing difficulties I have experienced. On these days I feel the epitome of what it means to feel full, satisfied, content. Why? Because I am aware of how I'm serving God, I'm aware he's using my time, skills, desires, and so on to serve his kingdom.

You see, it's those 'other' days that get me. The days where I don't have any errands to run, no appointments to be at, nothing to clean or cook, where everything is checked off on my 'housewife' to-do list and where I have nothing more I can do for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas other than to sit back, wait, and trust. Sure I still fill my time with taking care of myself, working out, and so on, but I feel almost...useless on those days. I feel like I'm not serving God to my potential. 'That's' my source of discontentment.

Lately I've really wanted to feel like God was giving me one clear purpose for my life. I wanted a God-sized dream for my life, and I wanted to begin to fulfill it. In my narrow mind it was being a teacher or a mom, one of those two things, nothing else. So what could I do when I felt like my dreams were taken away for the time being? I, of course, fought with God about it. Being a housewife isn't enough God, being the project leader of Hailey's Hope isn't enough God, being involved with Project Sweet Peas or Officer's Christian Fellowship or anything else isn't enough God.  My life is being poured out into too many areas, I can't possibly be serving you enough or in the way you want God.

Thankfully, God is always patient with me even as I try to wrestle with him, and God has been doing some slow expanding and growing in my life, my perspective, my heart, my desires, my dreams.

He has been asking me to serve him through being a housewife and giving my time to Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas, and I've been doing those things without having a servant's heart, without a godly perspective. I see my need and appreciate my role as housewife much more now as I see it through God's eyes. I see my work through Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas as much more important than I've ever realized before. While it's been important to me than anyone can ever know since the day I decided to start Hailey's Hope, I've let myself belittle it in some respects, like it's no big deal, no one cares, no one else sees the importance, etc. But more and more I'm seeing how important it is, both for others and myself, because I'm seeing it through God's eyes.

Recently it's been made clearer and clearer to me how God is calling me to be a mom. He's been showing me over and over again that I can still be a mom to Hailey even though she isn't here. I'm realizing that Hailey can still have an impact on this world, and it's through me. I'm seeing that my role as Hailey's mom is to share about her life, make her life known, and do something on her behalf. Like I've mentioned before (thanks to the words of someone else), I can't bathe, feed, teach, or raise my daughter, but I can share her story, I can give a bag full of items to a stranger going through an incredibly hard and draining situation in hopes that it will ease some of their pain, their stress, and so on.

As time goes on, my heart is growing and growing with a desire to help others who are in situations that I have found myself in with Hailey, and I will take advantage of any opportunities that will allow me to do this. Whether it's through Hailey's Hope and donating bags or through sharing my story on a grief website or releasing balloons in memory of babies other families have lost or something else. I'm ready, and I'm willing, more so than before.

And last but not least, because I will still find myself every now and then with days where I have a lot of free time and feeling like I could be doing more with my life, I did make the difficult decision (yes, I said difficult) to become a substitute teacher here in town at the junior highs and high school. So right as this school year started, I began applying to become a substitute teacher. I thought it was a good choice for me. It would get me back in the schools and enable me to help kids. It would be part-time, flexible, nothing permanent. Plus I would be making a little extra money on the side for us to put in our savings.

But I have to tell you I was hesitant to do it, it was somewhat difficult for me, and it took some courage. My big realization this week has been that I was not emotionally and/or mentally ready to get back out there in this way before now. It takes a lot of mental energy and emotional strength to work, to teach, to sub, much more than normal because of my grief. I have to be prepared to meet new people, be prepared to tell them about Hailey and my situation if it arises, be prepared for what the students throw at me (literally and figuratively), be on my toes (not being distracted by my grief or other issues), be prepared for schedule changes, and so on. While I know so many people out there wonder why I didn't go find a job or start subbing sooner and their questioning made me question myself and feel guilty, the wait was right. Waiting to do this, waiting to sub, was the right thing to do. I am at a place of healing where I can do it again, and for me, it's taken me 8 months.

Anyway,the fact that there were several hoops I had to jump through to start subbing here didn't help my hesitations. I had a list of 8-10 things I had to do before I could turn in my paperwork to the district office, including paying $55 for fingerprinting and $35 for my substitute teaching certificate. (I have to say I was not thrilled to be paying almost $100 to apply to become a substitute teacher for the next 3 months when I learned that I would be making a maximum of $65 a day for subbing). It took me about a week to complete everything, but I did it. Once I turned it all in, I learned it was going to be another 2-6 weeks before I actually received my certificate from the state and could actually be put on the subbing list. Becoming a substitute teacher was a lot more complicated and a lot more work than I had anticipated.

Well yesterday I received a call from the district letting me know that my certificate came in, and I could begin subbing. But, again, there was more to it. I couldn't get on the subbing list until October 1st because they update it once a month. So if I wanted to get put on right away, I had to go talk to each of the schools individually and get added to their lists temporarily. If that wasn't enough, I have to pass out my resume at one of the schools because the teachers call in their own subs and won't call you if they don't know you. And to top it off, I can't get on the high school's subbing list until I've gone through their orientation, and they don't know when the next one will be.

Yesterday I decided to be proactive and get as much done as soon as I could. I went around to all the schools and got added to the subbing and orientation lists. Stepping back into the schools, learning their layouts, their rules and policies, their administration/staff, and everything else was pretty surreal. It brought me back to a few years ago when I was applying for different teaching positions, putting myself out there, interviewing, and then learning about my first teaching position. Being back in the 'real world' reminded me of how hard it is to be out there! I felt a mixture of excitement about being back in the schools and some doubt and hesitation, as I already mentioned, (and dare I even say, fear) over whether this was the right thing for me to do, whether I'm ready for what I'm getting myself into, etc. But getting out there and doing all of this has brought back my confidence and feeling like I can still do this.

So right now, everything is feeling 'right' and perhaps I'm overcoming this struggle that has come with my grief. It hasn't just been the decision to start subbing that has changed this; it's also in part due to my evolving perspective on my role as a housewife and Hailey's mom. I am grateful for and looking forward to how my time is going to be spent being a housewife, being involved in Officers' Christian Fellowship and other groups, working on things for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas, and now subbing every now and then. I feel like (and continue to pray that) my desires, my talents, my time, and serving God with my life are all working out together.

This is what he's given me, and I will give him all I've got.

**1 Peter 4:10**

Links I Love

Several of the blogs I follow occasionally write a post dedicated to links of websites and blogs they 'love' and want to share with their readers. Since I usually enjoy those posts and checking out new stuff, I thought I would start doing that too.

Check these out when you have time!

Infant & Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day Memorial Balloon Release - So honored to be a part of this amazing project and to be one of the people releasing balloons in memory of the babies lost during pregnancy and shortly after birth, including my Hailey Marie. If you know someone who has lost their baby, please consider sharing and suggest they be a part of this.

The Mercy House - The God-sized dream of Kristen @ We are THAT Family. She just gave a sneak peek of this dream today. After checking it out, I am so inspired and in awe of her. She is a beautiful, faithful servant of the Lord, and God's light is surely going to shine through this project of hers. Amazing.

Adding Zest to Your Nest - Never seen anything like this site. Honestly, I think it's amazing and is filling a huge void that's out there. Without trying to explain it myself, I'll let their purpose statement explain it: "Our desire is to create a safe place for women to discuss our sexuality as Christians. We believe sex should be a delight, a treasure, and a gift to share with our husbands."

Military OneSource - For you military wives out there. I'm sure you've heard of this site, but what you may not have heard is that they give you FREE books (fiction and non-fiction) and other materials about military life. I just ordered and received 7 amazing books - and didn't pay a penny! You have to do a little digging around on the site to find the place for the books, but they're there and you should take advantage of it!

She Reads - This one is for my fellow bookworms. I long for a good read that is Christian-based, fiction and non, and quite frankly, I have a tough time finding recommended books. I hate aimlessly searching the 'Christian' section of the bookstore, which is why I love this website.

(in)courage - If you're a loyal reader of my blog, you know I reference this site every now and then. It has been a great source of encouragement for me and a place that has strengthened my walk with Christ. I absolutely love their description of their site because that's what it feels like when you visit there (and I've always dreamed of having a beach house): "You can put your sandy, dirty feet on the coffee table, laugh late into the night with friends, and also hear God’s voice clearer than perhaps anywhere else. Life just feels more vibrant and real, as if you’ve stumbled upon a glimpse of heaven and it’s nothing like you ever imagined but everything you’d always hoped."

National Day of Encouragement

I love that today is National Day of Encouragement. Who doesn't need an encouraging word? Especially in light of yesterday being the 9 year anniversary of September 11, 2001. The world can be a discouraging, dark, seemingly hopeless place for too many reasons to name, which is why we all need to be uplifted and encouraged, not just today, but every day. My last post was specifically about encouragement in my life, you can read it here or just scroll down to the post below this one.

But today I just want to leave you with some encouraging words. These words have been perhaps the most encouraging and comforting words I've read in a long time. They come from the book of Isaiah, which I have been enjoying studying this summer. For me, there's nothing more awesome than reading the words God spoke about me...about you... I pray these words will encourage you and uplift you and meet you wherever you are today. May you have a very blessed day and know you are loved!

To: You, With Love: God

"...you are precious and honored in my sight...and I love you..."

Isaiah 43:4

"I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

Isaiah 46:4

How can you encourage someone today?

Encouragement

(Really I should be waiting to post this on September 12th (you'll find out why as you read), but I just can't wait anymore!)

If you were to ask me what God's been teaching me about lately, I'd tell you He's been teaching me about encouragement.

"But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness." Hebrews 3:13

God has been speaking to me in so many different ways about encouragement over the past week or so, and, like, always it takes me awhile to realize, "Oh. Is that you God? Are you trying to tell me something again? Oh, okay. After the 100th time, I think I got it now!" Sheesh...anyway...

As I've mentioned over and over again, a few weeks ago I hit a really low point. It was close to the 2nd most difficult time of my life after losing Hailey and my dad in January. There were a lot of issues in my life adding up, making a huge mountain before me, and life was just overwhelming.

One of the areas I'd been experiencing difficulty with is not something that occurred recently but is something I've been struggling with over the past year, and heck my whole life if I really want to get real - and that is - relationships.

Long story short, during the time when I was feeling really depressed about losing Hailey and other 'stuff," I was feeling very discouraged about my relationships. I was feeling close to alone and forgotten even though I really wasn't, but it's easy to feel that way since I've moved 1000 miles away from friends and family (sure I've made friends here in Alabama, but they come and go because that's life in the military) - and Satan sure likes to attack me in this area.  I was longing to feel the support and encouragement of family and friends. Sure I have family and friends who love me and support me, but I wasn't feeling their 'presence' as much as I wanted, being away from them was making it all the more difficult, and to be honest I was having high expectations of what I thought they should be doing and feeling let down. So I guess you could say I was desperately wanting the relationships in my life to be better and wanting new, quality, lasting relationships to come into my life.

Through the help of my husband and God's gentle reminders, I learned some important lessons from that particular struggle of mine.

Even though I'm experiencing a very difficult period of my life with the loss of my baby and my dad, and it is okay for me to be needing support and encouragement from my friends and family instead of feeling forgotten, but that doesn't mean I can expect to have relationships where I'm taking and not giving. I had almost come to believe that I was the only one giving and felt I deserved to take a 'time out' and just sit there and take from my relationships. I was completely "me" focused, and it was leaving me with just "me," feeling lonely.

Instead of wanting to be encouraged by others, why didn't I just stop focusing on myself and focus on what I can do and how I can encourage others. I try, but I need to be more encouraging and supportive in my relationships. Everyone needs encouragement and support no matter what they're going through, big or small, and I am not the only one who needs those things. I can give those things to the people in my life. In fact, God calls me to do it:

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up" 1 Thess. 5:11

Furthermore, I've again been reminded of the power of prayer. (Why do I ever doubt it?) If I'm dissatisfied with my relationships or wanting new friendships, why don't I pray instead of complain?

Being an Army wife makes friendships hard, especially for an introvert like myself. It's hard to maintain long distance relationships with old friends. Not to mention I continually have to seek out opportunities for new relationships, continually have to invest in people, and continually have to learn how to maintain the new friendships I've made as we all move to different states and countries. It's really difficult and feeling alone is easy to do when you are always moving to new places, but all that means is that I have to try harder.

So anyway, first of all , my perspective changed regarding the status of my current relationships and that has made me feel much more content, and I am really working on serving and encouraging the people in my life. I love feeling encouraged, and I love being able to encourage others. I recently received a set of Dayspring cards from an (in)courage giveaway in honor of September 12th, which is apparently a national day of encouragement. So I am excited to mail a few of those out, but more importantly, I am excited as I go about my day thinking of who I can encourage and how - not just on September 12th, but every day.

In addition to changing my perspective, I prayed and prayed over my current relationships and prayed for future relationships. And as he always does with his perfect time, God revealed himself to me and answered my prayers by blessing me with encouragement and new friendships. Here's how...

The week I began feeling very down about losing Hailey and feeling like no one cared anymore, I received a card and a letter in the mail from two college Bible study friends. They each had written me heartfelt notes with prayers and scripture expressing their love and care for me. I nearly cried while reading them feeling the awesomeness of God's timing and love through these ladies. And I actually laughed at one point when one of my friend's was apologizing that these notes weren't sent any sooner to me - little did they know these notes came at the exact time when I needed them to come. Their encouragement felt AMAZING.

Then on the Sunday night of one of my most difficult weekend's ever for me emotionally (literally not even 24 hrs after I began praying specifically over my friendships), I received a Facebook message from a new friend I met here at Ft. Rucker. She had noticed on my Facebook or blog that I was feeling a bit down and invited me out to lunch the next day. She told me that she'd read that I love to talk about Hailey and my dad, and that she'd love it if I'd share about them with her. Another answered prayer, right when I needed it. I thank her for her heart and taking the time to invest in someone she recently met.

And as if that's not enough, I received another encouraging and uplifting message from another old college friend recently. She too apologized for her timing as she had just learned of what happened with Hailey. But she had such caring, kind, encouraging words and prayers for me. For me, it was perfect timing again as it was the day after what would have been Hailey's 9 month birthday and as I'm continuing on during this difficult season of life.

And as if that's not enough, I had started to feel a little discouraged about how fundraising and donations and support were going for Hailey's Hope, and then I received 2 messages on Hailey's 9 month birthday from people in my life who were messaging me about supporting and donating to Hailey's Hope. How awesome is that?

I can't say it enough - every one of those moments were just AMAZING and AWESOME and clearly God at work. And I can't begin to describe what all of these encouraging words have meant to me... It's truly been heartwarming and uplifting.

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Hebrews 10:24

Hailey's 8 Month 'Heavenly' Birthday

Eight months ago today, Hailey met Jesus.

Today, as I do every day, I celebrate her being healed and made perfect in Heaven. I celebrate her being surrounded by the love of God and feeling a joy that is unfathomable to me now. Knowing she is safe, happy, loved, and perfect with Jesus brings me peace and joy in return. Today, I try to imagine what Heaven's like and what she's doing there...

While there's something to celebrate today, there is something to mourn for as well of course. The other side is that eight months ago today, our daughter died, and we have to figure out how to live without her here. The living without her part is the hard part.

Days like today I pray for God to give me the right mixture of joy and sorrow in the truths above. Thankfully today, on the 8 month anniversary of her passing, the Lord has blessed me with a 'good' day. A day of positive remembering, a day of feeling loved as I replay some of the happy memories in my head, a day with feelings of a full heart... as full as a broken heart can feel. (I walked by a new baby being held in her dad's arms this weekend and the baby's eyes reminded me of Hailey's. Instead of being sad, I smiled. I've been focusing on remembering one of my favorite things about Hailey - her big, beautiful, round, eyes that were so full of wonder and love. These memories hug my heart.)

Today is one of the days where I am very aware of God's healing in my life, and I am so thankful for that. The past month or so has been filled with a lot of the pain that comes from an injury after a tragic event. The pain has been sharp and shooting through my heart. It's been dull and numbing on my mind. It's been almost unbearable at times. But like injuries do, they can heal, and I continue to experience that healing.

I know I've mentioned this a couple of times in my recent posts, but Hailey's Hope is probably one of the best things that has happened to me since Hailey passed away. It is such a huge blessing. It allows me to keep my daughter's memory alive. It allows me to fulfill some roles of being a mom that I thought would be impossible for me. Hailey's Hope gives me a way to talk about her and gives me something about her to talk about.

Another mom who has a project with Project Sweet Peas said something during an interview with a local news station explaining why we do what we do. When we put a bag together to donate to a family with a baby in an intensive care unit, it's like I'm taking care of her in a way... like I'm brushing her hair or giving her a bath, it's everything I don't get to do. I love her explanation because she is so right.

I grieve because I can't take care of her, I can't see her grown, I can't teach her to walk or say her ABC's, I can't do anything for my daughter that a 'normal' mom can do with her child. But lately I am realizing more and more that I am still a mom, and I can still be a mom to Hailey even though she isn't here. I can tell the world about her, and I can take care of others in honor of her.

Baby girl, I can't wait until the day I will go to you (2 Sam. 12:23) and you take me by the hand and lead me to Jesus and we both run into His arms ("Heaven is the Face"). With love that reaches to the Heavens (Ps. 36:5), Mom

More than I can handle

I'm sure you're familiar with the saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle."

Or maybe you're familiar with this one: "God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

Have you heard these? Do you believe them?

I've heard these a lot. Over and over throughout the years. This year, this year that has been plagued by difficulties and challenges for me, I'm sure these statements have been made to me at one point or another in an attempt to comfort me. And actually I'm probably sure I've said something similar to myself in my head in an attempt to reassure myself I can do "this," I can handle "this."

The past 365 days or so have especially made me cringe at these sayings because there is a lot that has occurred in my life that I cannot handle. (Is it just me or have you noticed that people never want to admit they can't handle things? Why is this? I think it's because we are focused on ourselves, we feel like we should be in control, and, therefore, we feel like we're failures if we're not).

This week I read something that was a bit of an eye opener to me that I just loved. (I hate to reference Oprah but this was like an "ah-ha!" kind of moment.) I can't remember where I read it because quite frankly I read from an overwhelming number of books, blogs, and online devotionals every day. So I can't take credit for the following ideas; therefore, this may be a bit of plagiarizing. I hope you don't mind. :) Here it is:

You see the saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle," is rubbish for lack of a better word.

It's not true.

God DOES give us more than we can handle.

Why would he give us more than we can handle? Because it makes us rely on him, lean on him, trust in him.  Because the truth is we weren't created to do this life apart from Him (even though we may try). When we have the mindset that God only gives us what we can handle, we put ourselves in control, we rely on ourselves, we ignore God, and quite frankly, in my experience, that doesn't really work out well. Life is more than we can handle sometimes, and God can use that to bring us to our knees so we turn to him with our problems.

Again, I feel like I am a testament to this. There have been many times this year when my life was more than I could handle. I had to (and continually have to) rely on Jesus who can handle it. I am not in control. He is. I am not strong. He is. I do not understand. He does. I can't. He can.

In our weakness, we become strong because of God (2 Cor. 12:10).

So the next time you feel that your circumstances are overwhelming and you feel like you can't handle everything that's on your plate, maybe you really can't handle it, and God's trying to tell you to turn to him, give everything over to him, and go through your trials with him.

Hailey's Hope: 3 Months Until Delivery!

We have 3 months until Hailey's Hope delivers our 2nd set of Project Sweet Peas' gift bags to the NICUs at The Children's Hospital of Alabama.

To start here's an overview or a reminder of what we're looking for and what our goals are for the 2nd round of deliveries on Hailey's 1st birthday, December 1, 2010:

50 Basic NICU Bags  & 10 Angel Gift Bags

To be delivered on December 1, 2010 to The Children's Hospital (The University of Alabama at Birmingham)

In Honor of Hailey’s 1st Birthday!

Please consider donating any of the items on the lists below. Items must be new. Handmade and crafted items are welcome! Consider mailing a check donation that will be used to cover the costs of purchasing needed items to fill the bags. Interested in promoting our project or doing a fundraiser on our behalf? Just let us know! For information on donating please email: Kristin@projectsweetpeas.com


“Basic NICU” Items

Baby Blanket, Stuffed Animal, Baby Hat,Scratch Mittens, Disposable Camera, Picture Frame, Baby / Children’s Book, Baby Clothing, Lip Balm, Pen & Journal/ Notebook, Baby Brush/ Comb Hand/Foot Mold or Print Kit, Birth Record Pillow, Tissue Packs, Hand Sanitizer, Travel Toiletries, Baby Socks

"Angel" Items

Memory Box, Stuffed Animal, Hand/Foot Mold, Hand/Foot Print Kit, Tissue Packs, Grief Books, Baby Blanket, Picture Frame, Infant Loss Jewelry Remembrance Item

Now for some updates...

We are off to an AWESOME start! Here is what we have as of today, September 2nd:

Money available in fund to use to purchase items as needed for our bags: $194

Items donated: 36 pens, 5 notebooks, 2 children's books, 3 brushes, 5 pairs of scratch mittens, 1 pair of socks, 10 baby hats, 12 travel size tissue packs, 3 travel toiletry kits, 30 picture frames/photo albums, 16 blankets, 14 birth record pillows, 38 baby clothing items, and 24 stuffed animals

Here are some fundraisers and other things we have in the works to help us reach our goal for December's delivery:

1.) We will be placing coin collection jars at local businesses.

2.) We will have a booth at an annual craft fair/ small business event called the Hollyday Mart, which will be held on November 13. I will be selling the headbands I'm making for Blossoms of Blessings, advertising for Hailey's Hope & Project Sweet Peas, and possibly selling some items with our logos.

3.) We will be doing a balloon release either on Hailey's birthday (Dec. 1st) or on her Heavenly birthday (Jan. 6th). People will be able to purchase a balloon and include a message for a small amount of money and all proceeds will go to Hailey's Hope. This is in the very early stages of planning so more information will come later.

Thank you so much to everyone who has supported and donated to Hailey's Hope and thank you to those of you who will be helping us in the future! I am completely confident that we will reach our goal with your help!

She would have been 9 months old

Today Hailey would have turned 9 months old. I feel like I say this every month, but I can hardly believe it because she will forever remain 36 days old.

It's so hard to imagine her older, as a 9 month old. Sometimes I end up browsing through pictures of other people's babies who are around her 'age' and try to picture her... But I can't.

I can hardly imagine having a 9 month old if she were still alive. It's almost somewhat shocking for me to think that I would have been a mom of a 9 month old. I guess it's because I've spent the last 8 months without her, and I've only ever known her as a newborn to a month and a week old.

Part of me fears her 1st birthday and every birthday after that. Some day I won't be saying she turned so many months old, I will be saying she would have turned 16 years old ...and it's so strange to me...

But I continue to find comfort in knowing God created her and knew her number of days. He always knew she would only be 36 days old. She was never supposed to live more than 36 days, and I continue to trust in God's plans that surpass our understanding. (Psalm 139:16, Eph. 3:19, Phil. 4:7).

And while I've been struggling lately to understand and wrestling with God over how other couples are "blessed" with healthy babies and we were "blessed" with a sick baby, I'm reminded that Hailey's life was actually a miracle. She was a miracle. I do believe creation and all babies are a miracle of God's, but I think Hailey's life was a special miracle of God's. Everything about her, since she had Trisomy 18, scientifically and medically speaking said she shouldn't have survived or lived. Her genetic disorder after all classifies her as being "incompatible with life." It was a miracle she survived birth, and every day she lived was a miracle. Because everything said she shouldn't have lived. Every cell in her body told her she shouldn't live, and she did. For 36 days. No she didn't conquer death or continue growing as a "normal" child, but her life remains miraculous.

Surprisingly, given my state over the past few weeks, today has been the best day I've had in a long time, and I am so thankful to be able to be full of joy and warmth on Hailey's birthday. It makes me able to appreciate her and celebrate her. I much prefer remembering her with a genuine smile and a warm heart instead of tears and feelings of grief and loneliness and brokenness (although I do recognize there is a time for those moments).

My joy today comes first and foremost from God - his love, his promises, and his power. As I've been praying my "life verse" over and over again lately- Romans 15:13 - that my God of hope will fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in him, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit - I feel him answering my prayers and giving me that joy, peace, and hope today that I so desperately need.

My joy also comes from His blessings, which today have come in many forms. God has blessed me with an absolutely gorgeous day here in lower Alabama. The skies are that beautiful, bright Alabama blue, the sun is shining, a refreshing breeze is blowing, and the humidity is gone. Today Opie and I made the most of it, and this morning we started our day with our first walk since the summer heat hit. It felt wonderful!

And my joy comes through the blessings of Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. Our goal through Hailey's Hope is to bless others, but Hailey's Hope & PSP have really become blessings to me as well. Over the past few days I've received a few encouraging messages about potential donations and have received a few donations in the mail. Feeling the love and support of others with Hailey's Hope brings me so much comfort. It makes me know that people still care about us, about Hailey, and about what we're doing in memory of her. (I hope to write another post before the weekend giving an update about Hailey's Hope so keep a look out for that.)

Today I just ask if you're reading this that you would say a prayer for Josh and I - you can use my favorite verse above if you're wondering what to pray. Even though more and more time has passed since losing Hailey and our lives go forward, we still hurt, still need healing daily, and still need God's help through it all.  Or if you're not the praying type, maybe you could share Hailey's story or share about Hailey's Hope to keep her memory alive since she's not with us on her 9 month birthday. Thank you. :)