Comparing

As was to be expected, I don't have as much time to devote to my blog these days so I can't write as often as I'd like. However, on our good days when Isaac is sleeping and has allowed me to see a reasonable amount of sleep (like today!), I will try to write if I can.

Isaac is about two and a half weeks old now. We are still working on settling into a routine. Unfortunately he doesn't follow the schedule of sleeping 14-18 hrs a day for 2-3 hrs at a time like most newborns, and when he is awake he has some extreme bouts of fussiness which are related to some tummy/ allergy issues he has on top of the normal-newborn-baby-adjusting-to-the-world-issues. Thankfully, not every day is a rough one, and the "happy" days are treasured and help us recover from the long and tiring ones. But no matter how "rough" life seems with him, I always know it's really not that bad. I have "really bad" to compare it too. In fact, I find myself comparing Isaac to Hailey often.

During the days and nights when I'm running on a few hours total of sleep, feeling sleep deprived and at my wits end with trying to console Isaac by rocking him for what seems like hours at time, my initial reaction is to be frustrated and upset and wanting my free time back... But then I remember it could be worse and to be thankful for what I have. I become thankful that he is here with me and suddenly what was a frustrating and seemed like a "bad" moment becomes one I want to freeze and remain in forever... The moment where I am rocking him in my arms, held close to my chest where I can cover him in kisses and breathe in his smell and where I can stare at him endlessly and play with his tiny toes... And ultimately I am reminded that he is safe and healthy and at home, and I correct my emotions to ones of gratitude.

However, those "rough" moments Isaac has, which thankfully are becoming less and less, have been extra sensitive for me. While I remind myself of what I just wrote above, I realize why it is so difficult for me sometimes to handle some of his cries - the cries that are more like blood curdling screams, where his face turns red, where he arches his back, where he tries to signal to me that he's in pain and not just fussing. It's because he reminds me of his sissy, and my heart breaks, for both of them. Hailey had her moments of crying the same way. The inconsolable crying of pain which involves the entire body going stiff and rigid. Her pain that we couldn't take away. Her pain that we couldn't solve or fix. Her pain that made and still makes my heart break. And when Isaac does the same, he's so much like her. So my heart breaks for her and the pain we couldn't take away, and my heart breaks for Isaac because as his momma I just want to take his pain away and fix it, but again, I don't know how.

Sometimes he looks so much like her I can hardly believe it.  His little round face, his little eyes, his little mouth, his soft hair that's extra long in back... They are hers... The reminder of her makes my heart happy and sad at the same time.

Sometimes when he's sleeping he looks like her when she'd sleep, especially when he falls asleep with his mouth open because that's how she always slept... At first I found myself checking on him often when he was asleep... in all honesty checking to make sure he was still breathing... that was something that was difficult and I hadn't expected to experience, but it's no wonder I did after losing Hailey in her sleep. I have to remind myself even when I see him sleeping so peaceful and still as his sissy would, he is not her... but I still check.

I started to tell him about his sister the other day. Tears started to come to my eyes as I realized that some day he will start to make sense of the stories we tell him about her. Some day he will learn his sissy died. Some day he will visit her grave and understand what it means. Those thoughts break my heart, for me, for him.

There are many days when life feels near perfection since Isaac has been home with us. Days where my heart bursts with love over our little family. But on those days, I especially miss Hailey because the truth is our family is incomplete without her.

Not having her here makes some days feel strange, like Isaac is our first child, not our second... But the reality is he will be the first in many ways. Somehow I will need to come to terms with that since that makes it easy to for Hailey to be overlooked or forgotten.

It's astonishing to me how different Isaac's entrance into the world and life has been in comparison to Hailey's. His really seemed so perfect and beyond my wildest dreams, full of nothing but joy while hers was... well as I've written about many times before, traumatic. Those first hours and days with Isaac were heavenly, quiet, peaceful, where we were free to live and love and time didn't matter. I never knew giving birth could be such a wonderful experience... Having experienced it this time made the experience with Hailey that much more difficult to think back on. When going through the experience with Hailey we had nothing to compare it too, but in and of itself, it was... again, traumatic, but now to compare it to how good things can be that so many others get to experience... it made me feel ... almost 'robbed' (for lack of a better word) with Hailey... This time I didn't imagine what we missed out on with her, I lived it and experienced it firsthand. I saw how good "it" could be and how bad it was with her. And it broke my heart to know what she, and we, missed out on.

At the same time, her situation cannot be changed, but can only be learned from and used for good. So I am thankful for the experience because it has made me sensitive to a world I hadn't known existed, that of the NICU and the babylost parents. And more importantly, it has made me more appreciative for what we have with Isaac. All the things most parents take for granted, I know I never will.  I will always have a reason to be thankful and rejoice even in what seems to be the difficult moments.

So while we  deal with dirty diapers, spit up, getting peed on, crying, fussiness, lack of sleep, and the normal baby life that can have it's moments of frustration with new parents, I am so very thankful for them and wouldn't have life any other way. I will change the way I eat, I will function on no sleep, I will rock him for hours on end, I will do it all with a grateful heart because I'm doing it at all. Because I know it could be worse. I know what it's like to call a NICU a home, I know what it's like to have the opportunity to sleep a full eight hours a night because of visiting hours and being sent "home" to a Ronald McDonald House, I know what it's like to have a crying baby and not be able to hold her, I know what it's like to have an IV "nourishing" my child instead of me, I know what it's like to pray for a dirty diaper and rejoice when one comes and cry when it doesn't, I know what it's like to watch my child sleep because I'm praying that her breathing doesn't stop, I know what it's like to listen to beeps and alarms instead of lullabies and soothing sounds...

With all that said, a lot of my thoughts and emotions related to Isaac and Hailey still go unmentioned as I've only skimmed the surface of most... and I'm sure it's just the beginning. All I know is that I love both my babies with all my heart, and not having one here makes me love and appreciate every second I have with the other that much more.