Babies

This week I have been inundated with babies. People having them, people being pregnant and just sharing the news - it's pure wonderful baby craziness and I thank God he has blessed me with Isaac otherwise I know this time would be a little hard as it was after losing Hailey and being around pregnant women and babies....

Yet this is hard in a new way I'm finding. It seems "everyone" in my life is getting pregnant or having their 2nd baby in this current season of my life. I suddenly find thoughts popping into my head like "oh how wonderful... I want a second baby too" and then I catch myself. I already had my second baby. Isaac is my second baby. I am actually ahead of my "crowd" with second babies.... But the only thing is I have one baby to show for it, as horrible as it sounds.

I always wanted two babies ... And I had two babies... Only I don't. Instead of growing up a little brother, Isaac will grow up an only child as it is right now. And so it's strange this new place I'm at... Frustrated and sad that Isaac's my second baby but feels like my first and is my first in so many ways... Sad that Hailey has no place in our current life or future with our family...

But I am also reminded that even though it may seem that "everyone" is pregnant again, "everyone" really isn't... Life is still fragile. Babies are still miracles. And I'm reminded of friends suffering through miscarriages and infertility right now. Getting pregnant, having a healthy baby, it's not as easy or as common as it may seem sometimes.

(And please no comments about us and our family's future in terms of children. First, we have not crossed that threshold yet nor are we in anyway prepared to go there. This is simply my reflection on my current situation. Second, having another child does not replace the point of this post which is about the void that is left after burying our first child - nothing replaces that child.)