Remembering 2010, Welcoming 2011

New Year's Eve is upon us. Amongst other things, that means everyone's Facebook statuses are declaring what they loved about this past year and all the 'amazing' things they're looking forward to this next year. I remember reading similar Facebook statuses last New Year's Eve as well... and I remember how much my heart ached as I read them.

Last year at this time, I was not in the New Year's 'spirit' at all because, quite frankly, I was dreading the new year. I wasn't looking forward to 2010. Every time I thought of what 2010 held for me, I wanted to cry and did cry. Every FB status that bragged about how blessed they were in 2009 and how blessed they were going to be in 2010, with babies, weddings, vacations, and so on, was like a little knife to my heart.

All I could think about was what I had to 'look forward to' for 2010 and that was the deaths of my daughter and father. I knew they were coming. My New Year's Eve was spent thinking of the deteriorating health of my dad as he was clearly losing his battle to cancer quickly and my baby who was given a diagnosis that she could die any day. Death was what loomed around the corner for me in 2010.

And my 2010 did begin with death... Hailey died January 6th and my dad died the day before my birthday on January 22nd. I spent the first month of 2010 planning and attending the memorial services of my daughter and dad. I spent the first half of the year severely mourning their deaths and trying to figure out how to go on. On the worst days of my grief, I couldn't look to the rest of the year, the coming years, even the coming days... I clung to God having no other hope to live...not seeing what there was to live for... not imagining life could ever bring me happiness again...that I could ever look forward to something again.

While your Facebook status may say 2010 was the best year of your life, 2010 was by far the worst year of my life. I've never felt so much pain, sadness, hopelessness, or despair... I lost two people I loved. Two people very close to me. My family was broken and forever changed.

However, I survived it all. And I sit here today, on the eve of 2011, and remember 2010. While 2010 was all of those negative things I just wrote about, and I will always remember it because of those things, I will also remember 2010 for another reason. I came through this all closer to God and with a stronger faith. I was tested and tried and brought to my lowest point...But I came through with a stronger faith because of my encounters with God.

This year God revealed himself to me over and over again, and I consider each one of those moments a miraculous blessing. God remained faithful and loving and good. He lived out his promises he'd written to me in the Bible on a daily basis, and I got to know that and experience that. Before this all happened, I considered myself a mature believer walking closely with my God and experiencing Him, but never had my faith been to this place of great depth. This year the depths and heights of my faith and God's love expanded beyond my imagination.  To capture it in a single sentence, this year I experienced a joy I have never known or imagined to be possible and a supernatural comfort and peace to my sorrow and mourning. In addition, I was given greater wisdom and understanding about life and my creator.

Before I go any further, I'd like to reminisce about last year on New Year's Eve.  We had Hailey with us at our home in Alabama and my mom was staying with us. Since we couldn't really go out and do anything, my mom cooked us some of my favorite foods, including Alaskan King Crab Legs. The best part of New Year's Eve in the south with Hailey was that the weather was so mild and nice that we were able to take her on her first official stroller ride. I wrote a tank top and sweats and was perfectly comfortable, but we bundled little Hailey up nonetheless to ensure she stayed snuggly warm. We set up her little traveling oxygen tank and went on a little short walk with her and Opie down our street and back. It was one of those memories with Hailey that I treasure having. It was one of those things we never knew if we'd be able to do with her, but as parents longed to do... Hailey got a little crabby at the end of the walk, but who could blame her, it was a big change for her weak little body. Even when she was crabby she was cute. We were able to take a lot of pictures during our walk and took a little video of it...and that was how I spent my New Year's Eve last year. This year, we're enjoying another warm and mild New Year's Eve in Alabama, and my puppy, hubby, and I are just keeping it low key, probably watching some movies, and doing a little 'toast' with our traditional sparkling grape juice at midnight.

In remembering my 2010, I remember the lives lost of my dad and my daughter. I remember and thank God for the provisions and blessings he's poured out on me in light of those losses. I am thankful for God's plans for my marriage and the growing he's allowed to take place. I am thankful for becoming a part of Project Sweet Peas and starting Hailey's Hope this year, and I pray God would allow me to continue to serve him in this way for years to come.

For welcoming 2011, I'm wise enough not to boast about any plans and to pray all future plans be according to God's will (James 4:13-17). I pray for God to bless our transition and move from Ft. Rucker, AL to Ft. Campbell, KY. I pray that God would watch over us and bless our new home and provide us with good friends who can become like family and a church that we can call home in TN.

New Year’s Prayer

"Heavenly Father, for this coming year

Just one request I bring.

I do not pray for happiness or any earthly thing.

I do not ask to understand the way you lead me;

But this I ask—teach me to do the thing that pleases You.

I want to know Your guiding voice,

To walk with you each day.

Heavenly Father,

Make me swift to hear and ready to obey;

And thus the year I now begin

A happy year will be,

If I am seeking just to do

The thing that pleases You."

(Anonymous)

Happy New Year :)

And, as I wrote for the status of Hailey's Hope's Facebook page, I pray that God would bless you in 2011, that any injury be healed, any sadness be turned to joy, any doubt turned to faith, and any despair turned to hope.

Merry Christmas (In Pictures), From Hailey

Luke 1:14 - You will have great joy and gladness, and many will rejoice at his birth

Matthew 1:23 - Look! The virgin will conceive a child! She will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel, which means ‘God is with us.’

Isaiah 9:6 - For a child is born to us, a son is given to us...And he will be called: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Merry Christmas

XOXO

Christmas Vacation

Well blogging world, sorry for the lack of posts, but due to the busyness of the season, traveling, buying a home, temporarily moving into that home,  a nasty case of the flu or food poisoning, and traveling to visit family in Illinois, I haven't had much time to write - and in a nutshell that's pretty much what I've been up to: being busy, traveling, being sick, and now visiting family. But this post is less about those things and more about what this Christmas has been like without Hailey so far.

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Last year at this time we had Hailey with us but were so busy taking care of her and not getting out of the house much, that we didn't buy Hailey a Christmas stocking, and I'm not sure honestly if I would have known whether to get one for her or not considering.... But this year I made a decision that every Christmas Hailey will have a stocking that hangs with the rest of our family's. About a month or so ago I found a pretty pink baby stocking at a store and bought it for her. I wanted to have it hanging up this Christmas, but, unfortunately, due to some lack of communication and the craziness of all our travels, we left her stocking back in Alabama...

While I knew I wanted to have a stocking hanging for Hailey every Christmas, I was still a little unsure about it... How sad it would look sitting there empty... A sad reminder she's not here. But after talking with some other moms who've lost their babies and some wonderful suggestions for this dilemma, we came up with some great ideas of little gifts we could fill her stocking with each year. Some of my favorite ideas are to place bulbs or flower seeds in her stocking each Christmas to plant in a garden in her memory each year in the spring and another idea was to buy a collectible item each year in memory of her. For us, butterflies have become quite significant and are now wonderful reminders of our little girl, so some years we might buy some sort of butterfly gift to put in her stocking.

After realizing we'd left Hailey's stocking back in Alabama, we still wanted to start the tradition of buying a gift in memory of her each Christmas to feel like she's still a part of Christmas with us. So while waiting for our table at Cracker Barrel the other night, I stumbled upon the most beautiful wire and stone sculpture of a butterfly. It's designed to hang on a vase or something similar. The one we picked out has a rainbow of colors, and I think it's just perfect... So no stocking hanging for Hailey this year, but we do have a butterfly on the mantle next to ours.

So far the Christmas season without Hailey has been better than I'd expected as I'd mentioned before. I think it's because I know the hope and joy in the meaning behind the season and can truly find joy and celebration and reason to rejoice this season - because it's all about the birth of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who'd I'd be lost and hopeless without and how I know Hailey is with in Heaven. So in that respect, my faith allows me to find the positive in this season, but of course, it's still hard without her.

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Today Josh and I were able to go visit Hailey's grave together. It's the first time he's been there since last January, and he hadn't yet seen her gravestone in person. It's hard to describe what it's like to go to your child's grave. Part excitement at seeing her and being near to her. Part sorrow... for the obvious reasons. I have to say, it felt somewhat peaceful and maybe even a bit magical (for lack of a better word) there when we went this evening. It was around sunset, a little glow of light to light our way, a serene blanket of white snow covering the ground. As I approached her grave, I smiled at seeing the fresh footprints in the snow of someone who had recently been there to visit her. Her Grandma Sue had bought her Christmas flowers and they laid in front of her gravestone. Then my eyes focused on a little yellow toy plow sitting next to them. I knew immediately it was from my brother, her Uncle Matt (who drives a snowplow for the village). I hadn't expected to see that token and gift there from him. It almost made me cry, but I didn't. Honestly, I didn't let myself, although I easily could have.  We didn't stay long; we had somewhere to be. And if it wasn't so frigidly cold, I could stay at her grave forever....just feeling close to her in the only way I can physically feel close to her. You might think it strange, maybe even a bit morbid, but a part of me longed to just lie down on the ground and hug it as though I was hugging her....

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As the time draws closer to being gathered together with families and parties and actual Christmas day, etc., things are getting harder. Mostly because I sit back and watch everyone with their families, their children, their babies, their joys...and miss mine. They seem complete, and I feel incomplete. I smile in celebrating for many of the same reasons they are, yet behind my smile is the hole in my heart... the constant knowing and living without my baby who I can't help but have that feeling like she should be here... even though I know that's not what God intended.

And so some of you may wonder (and I'm sorry that some of you know), what's it like to spend your first Christmas without your baby...

I sit in front of the fireplace and look at the stockings representing our family members....and can't help but focus on the emptiness, the spot that's missing hers.

I buy toys and wrap presents for our nephew... and can't help but miss not being able to do the same for my daughter.

I go to church services and Christmas parties and celebrate the birth of Jesus and being with family... and can't help feeling the part of me that's missing that becomes all to apparent as I watch families smiling and laughing together longing to be them, not understanding why I can't be a part of that 'world.'

Parents buy gifts, wrap presents, play Santa, give kisses and cuddles, and millions of other little things with their children this Christmas...and I sit back and watch the world go on around me oblivious to the fact that I'll be going to the store to buy a present for my daughter, but it will be one she'll never get. It'll be one she'll have resting on her grave....there as an attempt at expressing our love for her and our only way to say "Merry Christmas" to her.

And so this Christmas, I'm finding peace and joy and hope because of Jesus and the reason we're celebrating, but I also silently live inside of myself grieving, missing my daughter.

1st Time Home Owners; Home is where the heart is

Dec  16: (Sorry in advance for any typos and grammatical/spelling errors or parts that sound jumbled – I wrote this quickly and have limited access to the Internet – Hope to blog again soon though because I have more to share since I wrote this!)

Dec 15: I’m writing this post on my first night in our new home in Tennessee (it’s getting published tomorrow – today when you’re reading this – because we don’t have a connection to the Internet yet). I’m all cozy on an air mattress in what will be our master bedroom with my puppy sleeping beside me. But before I get into everything, I want to start at the beginning.

This past Sunday, our dog and I headed from our home in Alabama to Ft. Campbell, KY so that I could be at the final walk through of our house at 9am on Monday. Unfortunately, my trip coincided with the major snowstorm that hit much of the country. Thankfully, I drove for 5 hours making great time while taking my time before I hit any bad weather. As I entered Tennessee, I also entered the snowstorm. The usual 7 hr drive (including stops) turned to almost 9 hrs. The weather was terrible, the roads were even worse. I lost track of all the cars I drove by in ditches and all the accidents I saw. As my journey neared its destination, the interstate seemed to turn to a block of ice, and I, and what seemed like rush hour traffic surrounding me, slowed to a 10mph crawl. While I felt like I was holding back a heart attack during my entire drive and drove with every muscle in my body tense, I was perfectly content to drive 10 mph. Slowly but surely and safely I reached my destination, our friend’s house where I’ve stayed the past few days.

Monday morning my friend, who became my stand in husband for me at times, accompanied me to our new house for the final walk through. Everything went fairly well. Our long list of items to be fixed and finished was about 80-90% complete, which was good, but still not good enough for me to be feeling completely excited yet since that meant that there were of course items that still needed to be taken care of before our scheduled closing on Wednesday. The builders ensured me that the items remaining would be taken care of that day and that I needn’t worry.

The rest of Monday and Tuesday was spent waiting, sometimes impatiently, for closing on Wednesday to roll around. Thankfully Opie and I had friends to keep us company and hang out with so we managed to keep ourselves somewhat busy.

Finally Wednesday (today as I’m writing this) rolled around. We had one more walk through at 1pm today to see that the remaining items were indeed finished and much to my relief, the house was finally ready for us take ownership of! Immediately following, I made my way over to our closing at 2pm.

If you haven’t been following, I’ve been doing this all on my own this week. So with my power of attorney, I got the privilege of signing both of our names to what seemed like well over 100 forms. The whole process was pretty simple. Thankfully, I’ve seen most of the forms and figures beforehand and went in knowledgeable about what I was doing and what to expect, otherwise, I don’t think I would have had a clue what the guy was having me sign and do.

After I signed the last document and copies were being made, the builders handed over what seemed like 20 different keys and our garage door openers to me – that was the first moment since we started this process of buying a home that I finally felt a little flutter in my heart and felt excited.

All the hurdles and obstacles and what seemed like millions of things to do were finally over. Everything was done. The house was perfect. It was ready. It’s ours!

This evening Tennessee and Kentucky were supposed to get a possible ice storm so immediately after leaving closing, I found my way to the electric and water companies to have the house’s utilities transferred to our names. Then I made a quick stop at Walmart on the way back to our new house to pick up a few things I needed to get me through the night. Finally, I made my way to our new home with my keys in hand, packed car, and puppy in the front seat.

I can’t tell you how good it felt to open that garage door, unlock our door, and walk into our home that we own!

Before unpacking the car with everything I needed for the next two weeks of temporarily living here on and off, I walked Opie to the door and gave him a little pep talk about how this is going to be his new home, and then I let him loose in the house. He sprinted and bounded every which way, in and out of rooms, as happy as can be. He even ran into every room and hopped his front paws up onto every window ledge to look at all his views. And of course, eventually he got to check out his two decks and his backyard. He truly seemed super excited for his new house – well minus the time he slipped and got stuck in the deck stairs and yelped bloody murder (don’t worry, I saved him and he’s okay).

But I have to say, as truly excited as I am to be in our new house and to be a first time home owner… it’s just not the same without my husband here. It’s been quite lonely and somewhat scary doing all this on my own this week. I really wish my husband could have been here so that we could have walked into our new home together, spent the first night in our new home together, and so on…

As strange as this may sound, even though I’m finally in our new home, I feel a little homesick. As I’ve thought about my homesick feelings this week, I think military life is officially settling in on me… because what home am I sick for? The one in Alabama where we’ve been renting and have lived for a year and half and have been ready to move from? What about our homes back in Illinois? What home am I sick for? What home is mine? And really, I’m not homesick for any of my homes. I’m homesick for my husband. He’s where my home is. We make each other’s home, and without him, things just aren’t the same. Thankfully, he’ll be driving up from Alabama and should be here to join me in our new home by Saturday morning… so I just need to survive a few more days on my own. And even though I have Opie, it’s still pretty lonely without my husband.

And I’m not going to lie…being in this new, unfamiliar, empty house, in a new town, a new state, at night, with curtain-less windows everywhere…I’m a little scared to be on my own. And as odd or as pathetic as it may be, not having an Internet connection and no television makes me feel even more isolated and alone. Even though our house is in a neighborhood, it feels like I may as well be in the middle of nowhere… which makes it a little bit scarier. But at least I have my phone, my laptop, and DVDs to give me that sense of technological connection to something.

Overall, this week with traveling, buying a house, temporarily moving, etc. has been at times boring, stressful, busy, overwhelming, and I've felt a whirlwind of emotions.

I am thankful to God for our new beautiful home that we'll be able to spend the next few years of our lives in. It's perfect and I love it. I just can't wait to official move in now!

But no matter what physical dwelling I come to call my home in the coming years as the military moves around and around, my real home will always be where my heart is - and that's with Christ and with my husband.

*   *  *  *

Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Ephesians 3:17
One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4

If not for Hailey, I wouldn't go back

This week I've found myself looking at pictures from a year ago. Pictures of Hailey and us in the NICU and at The Children's Hospital. Each day I find a picture taken exactly one year ago from whatever day it is that I'm looking. Today I'm looking at pictures from December 8, 2009. They are pictures of us celebrating Hailey's 1 week birthday.

I've anticipated this Christmas season to be a difficult one because of not having Hailey (and my dad) with us. I especially thought this time of year might be extra hard because Hailey's birthday and the day she passed away surround Christmas.

However, as I'm in the midst of the Christmas season now, my grief and my feelings don't seem all that different than they normally are... My sorrows haven't increased or strengthened as I thought they might. In fact, I find myself enjoying and taking much pleasure in the season.

With the almost record low temperatures here in Alabama, the cold weather has led us to enjoy several nights snuggled up in warm blankets with a fire burning in the fireplace and sipping on cups of hot cocoa and tea. I've enjoyed watching the twinkling Christmas lights on the neighbors' houses, the snow falling today (!), Christmas shopping, the few festive decorations we have up, listening to Christmas songs whenever I can, watching Christmas movies on TV, and baking Christmas cookies. I'm looking forward to spending this Christmas with both of our families and some friends back in Illinois. I'm looking forward to continued Christmas traditions with them, family parties, gift-giving, Christmas eve service at church, playing in 'real' snow, and everything else that comes along with us spending Christmas with our families like we used to.

Right now I feel like I am truly enjoying myself this Christmas season. Of course I miss Hailey and wish she were with us, and I'm sure as it gets closer to Christmas day, it may become harder.

But the strange thing is, and I never thought I'd say it, but I almost want to say I prefer this Christmas season to last. The only thing good about last Christmas was that Hailey was with us. As I look back at all the pictures from last year and think about what I was doing a year ago, the only thing I miss is Hailey. Other than that, I don't miss anything, and I wouldn't want to go back.

A year ago, I was celebrating my daughter living to be a week old and trying to soak up every moment with her... that was the good side of things... But there was a bad side too. Last year at this time I also felt over whelming grief already. The stress of having my baby in the hospital for a week was almost unbearable. Life was at its hardest for me. I smiled in attempts to live in the moment and make the best of the situation...but the tears still flowed constantly in private.

While we were blessed enough to bring Hailey home with us and spend Christmas with her, it wasn't the Christmas I wanted. We were still wondering at which moment she might pass. Things were stressful taking care of her at times, with inconsolable cries, feedings tubes, being confined to one room of the house because of her oxygen, still grieving....all the while I was trying to be cheerful with the limited family we had visiting.... There was constant sorrow, worries, stress, anxiety, dread, and so on. Of course I focused on all the reasons we had to celebrate, but at the same time there were so many reasons not to feel like celebrating because my baby was going to die and it was just a matter of time. For those reasons, this Christmas season is much better. I don't miss those feelings. I don't miss the 'bad' side.

That may make me sound selfish, but I hope not. Perhaps you can only understand if you've been in my shoes. I can't emphasize how much I miss Hailey and loved that a year ago I was able to hold my baby girl in my arms, kiss her, smell her, take care of, love her... But at the same time, I don't want to go back to that situation. I would go back to her in a heart beat, but not the situation we were in a year ago - if that makes sense.

I guess if you were to ask me to choose which Christmas season is better, this or last... I might say I prefer this Christmas because I'm not constantly living in stress or crying everyday. I am at peace knowing Hailey is living in peace in heaven and huge burdens have been lifted from my life allowing me to be more easily at peace here, a peace I didn't quite have last year... But last Christmas season will always be cherished because its the only time of my life that I was able to share with Hailey, to actually be with my daughter. I wouldn't want to go back to it all...but I would again for Hailey.

Anyway, this year, this month, is better than I'd imagined, and I'm very thankful for that. I'm thankful I can find joy in the little things that I love about Christmas time. I'm thankful we'll be able to be with our families in Illinois for Christmas. I'm most thankful for the peace God's giving me. Of course it hurts not having Hailey here, but God is helping me deal with it.

I just pray the rest of this season continues this way. Sometimes I feel like when I write about how 'well' I'm doing with my grief (thanks to God), family and friends show their support less and assume everything's fine... But please, family and friends, don't stop showing your support, sympathy, love, for us, for Hailey... God uses you to help me, help us, and we will never stop needing support and love and knowing you care about Hailey too.

And if you haven't read the poem on Facebook, I'm going to put it here too. Do you want to know what I was experiencing a year ago at this time? Read this poem written by another Project Sweet Peas leader. (I apologize for the spaced out formatting, I couldn't fix it.)

A Parent’s Tunnel

By: Kate Crawford

Shut your eyes

Now, imagine the happiest moment of your life

You are about to meet your baby

A baby you have waited for

For 9 long months

A baby you planned your future around

Everything is perfect

And here he comes

You cry

You are elated

But, wait . . . the baby . . .

The baby isn’t crying

The nurses are running

You ask quietly,

“What’s wrong?”

No one answers you

You can’t see your baby

There are too many people

The whisk your baby out of the room

You scream

“What is wrong with my baby?”

Finally an answer

One you are unprepared for

“We have to take your baby to the NICU.”

You stop listening

You can’t breathe

You can’t think

You cry, but it’s no longer because you are happy

You haven’t seen the sun

The dark room is all you know

The days run together

You are tired

But you can’t sleep, because you can’t leave your baby’s side

You are alone

Isolated

You haven’t even eaten

You forget

You can’t leave

You haven’t showered

But, you don’t care

He’s hooked to wires, tubes, IV’s and catheters

Everything beeps in alarms

Every beep makes your heart stop

Your baby is sick

Your perfect is gone

Your future, shattered

You sit

You stare

You watch your baby fight to stay alive

The nurses come

The nurses go

The names change

You can’t keep it straight

The diagnosis

You can’t even pronounce

Medicines you’ve never heard of

But the knowledge makes you feel bonded to your baby

You know nothing of the outside world

Your baby is all you know

Your strength

You don’t care about anything

But your baby

This is the life of a parent in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. They have tunnel vision, and at the end is a healthy baby with a happily ever after. Sometimes, they reach the end of that tunnel with their baby, sometimes they never see their happy ever after.

11 Months with the angels

I can't believe it... I nearly missed an 'anniversary' of Hailey's...

Eleven months ago today Hailey left this earth to join Jesus and his angels in heaven...

Thankfully, on this anniversary, in the month in the midst of her birthday and Christmas, my grief is 'okay.' While my journey of mourning has given me highs and lows and unexpected twists and turns, today I feel like perhaps it's leveling off... It's not so much of a crazy roller coaster ride anymore, but more like a the consistent, slow chug of a train... I'm just chugging along, and the days aren't particularly 'easy' or 'hard.' I've grown used to my grief and her void. And for the moment, I feel less depression, hopelessness, anger, bitterness, and jealousy. I'm hoping this moment lasts and lasts because those emotions have been replaced with peace, and it feels 'good.'

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

But this all doesn't mean that my heart is become whole once again, that I'm not broken, that my heart doesn't ache for Hailey... all those things are still true. I miss her daily, and, of course, there are always moments of sadness. The only way I can really try to explain it is by saying I feel like I'm 'moving on' or I've 'put the past behind me'... but those are absolutely not true and I really hate to say those things... unfortunately, I have no better way to explain in words how I feel lately...

In one month, I will be saying that it's been one year since Hailey passed away, a day that will be just as significant to me as her 1st birthday. But I can't imagine how I'm going to feel or what I'm going to do on that day yet... Because I've learned to take it one day at a time. Today I will deal with today.

However, I do want to talk about something that will most likely come up on the anniversary of her death. It's something I've been thinking a lot about thanks in part to Christmas songs and the most recent series of messages at church.

Angels.

I want to make it clear to you all what I believe about angels because I've learned that with death, and especially the death of a baby or child, angels often come up. What I'm going to say is not meant to offend or hurt others for what they have done or said, it's merely for me ... and for you if you might say something to me about them... because I want you to know what I believe.

First of all, if I ever use the term 'angel' to describe Hailey, it is only as a term of endearment. When I use it, if I do, it does not mean I believe Hailey is now an angel. I do not believe that when babies or people die that they become angels. The Bible teaches that humans do not become angels when they die.

I've known people who have lost babies to say things like their babies grew wings the day they died (suggesting their baby became an angel). I've also known people to refer to the anniversaries of babies' deaths as 'angel - versaries' or their 'angel day.' And there are other common quotes like, "Most of us only dream of angels - We held one in our arms." I personally do not like any of these being said about Hailey because I don't believe them to be true based on what the Bible teaches. Again, I must express that it is not my intention to offend or cause pain to anyone, especially anyone grieving. I know all of these things are said out of love. But as a Bible believing Christian, I do not believe such things to be true. If you are a Bible believing Christian, you should not believe them to be true either.

Do I believe in angels? Absolutely. Our babies just don't turn into them when they die. Instead, our babies are with the angels in heaven, and we do have angels here on earth - the Bible teaches both of those to be true.

So is Hailey an angel now? No. Is she with the angels in heaven? Yes! Do I love to imagining her with Jesus and all the angels? Yes!

One of the most interesting and comforting things I've learned in our church's study about angels has to do with one of the angels' jobs.

You see, one of my many struggles with losing Hailey was how she died. You see, I had prayed and asked Jesus that she would pass away peacefully in her sleep one day, and she did... but I have always hated that she was alone and that I was in another room when it happened. We started off having someone hold Hailey every minute of every day in case she died because we wanted her to go while being held close by someone who loved her. Then it turned to having someone watching her every minute of every day, even when she was sleeping. Eventually reality had to set in, relatives had to leave, and we had to try to have some sort of normalcy with taking care of her, just my husband and I. This meant we took shifts in the middle of the night... one of us would sleep while the other would sleep if they could but would tend to Hailey as needed and check on her every so often.

The morning she passed away, I had been sleeping in our guest room to try to get some quality sleep, and Josh had been squeezing in sleep as well so she passed while we were both sleeping... We knew this would always be a possibility, but we didn't like that it happened that way nonetheless because we didn't want her to be alone when she died.

I always found comfort in the fact that I knew God was always there with her, but recently what I learned about angels gave me an even greater source of comfort. I learned that God has angels care for believers (and babies) at death as indicated by this verse.

"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side." Luke 16:22

So even though when Hailey died neither of us was technically 'with her' or holding her, God was there and the angels were there carrying her into heaven. I think that is awesome for lack of a better word...

And just for the record, if you're interested in knowing a bit more about what the Bible says about angels, I'll share with you what I've learned:

• "Angel" is used approximately 275 times in the Bible; it means 'messenger.'


• Angels are mentioned in 34 of the 66 Bible books.


• Jesus taught the existence of angels. (Matthew 26:53)


• Angels are created, spirit beings. (Colossians 1:16, Hebrews 1:14)


• They were created holy, but with some free will. (Jude 6, Rev. 12:3-4, Ezekiel 28)


• Angels should not be worshiped. (Col. 2:18)


• Only 2 angels are named; Michael and Gabriel. (Jude 9, Luke 1:19)


• They do not marry, procreate, or die. (Luke 20:36)


• They can take on human form and interact with us on earth. (Hebrews 13:2)


• They are innumerable. (Hebrews 12:22)


• People don't become angels, but they can become like them when they die because in heaven humans will not marry, procreate, or die. (Hebrews 2:6-7)

A good overview online article about angels (I haven't read it in its entirety, but have read most of it) can be found here if you're interested in learning more.

So with that all said, eleven months ago today, my baby did not grow wings or become an angel. Eleven months ago today, because of God's love and care, the angels escorted her into heaven, and ever since she has been with them in the presence of God praising him and enjoying an eternity with him.

Love and miss you so much Munchkin. I can't wait to sing and dance with you and the angels worshiping our heavenly Father together...

“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.”

Isaiah 6:3

I forgot one of the best parts!

I can't believe I forgot to share about one of the special parts about Hailey's birthday!

On the drive home from the hospital that night, we were driving on a dark country road, no city lights or anything interfering with the blackness and so the stars were shining brightly.

Then, suddenly, there was a shooting star falling down across the night sky right in front of us. It was absolutely beautiful.

One of the things Hailey's life has been compared to has been that of a shooting star or even Halley's comet... So for me, the shooting star was like a symbolic or perhaps even literal message from God and Hailey ... So many things in life come to us beautifully, burning brightly, but briefly, only lasting a moment.

Hailey's 1st Birthday

Okay, I'm finally ready (and have time) to write about Hailey's birthday...

I'm happy to say that after having a terribly sad day on Monday, Tuesday was a little bit brighter, but in terms of my emotions, it was a pretty anxious day for me. I unexpectedly felt anxiety over wondering how I was going to feel on Hailey's birthday so much so that I think I had some stress related heart burn or indigestion or something that kept me up most of Tuesday night. But it was a little comforting going into Hailey's birthday to have already had so many kind words, messages, and prayers from family and friends on Monday and Tuesday. Plus our families had some gorgeous flowers delivered to us on Tuesday, and for me, flowers are always a source of comfort and brighten a dark day.

The morning of Wednesday, December 1st, Hailey's birthday, didn't start out how I expected it might. After not having enough sleep, I was woken up and kept awake from 6am to 8am with a series over 10 different phone calls for subbing. Because of the day, I ignored the first half of the calls, but after they kept coming, I decided to finally start answering my phone and declining opportunities to sub.  (And I just have to say I found it extremely strange that I had all those subbing calls on Hailey's birthday when I haven't had that many total in 3 months!).

But back to Hailey's birthday...

Thanks to prayers, God being at work, and our delivery for Hailey's Hope, Hailey's birthday was as good as it could have been for me. It certainly was a bittersweet day. Sad of course for all the obvious reasons that I'm not going to get into this post. But thankfully I experienced much more joy that overcame any sadness.

Because Josh had to fly and work on her birthday, he was unfortunately unable to make the delivery with me, but thankfully, one of my friends was able to make the journey with me up to The Children's Hospital in Birmingham, which was about a 3.5 hr drive each way.  So that morning I loaded up my car with the 50 basic NICU bags and 10 memory boxes we were donating, and my friend and I were on the road around 11:30am.

This is the 2nd delivery Hailey's Hope has made to The Children's Hospital so I thought I knew what to expect. The first time we delivered 36 bags in June, and when we did so, we made the long drive up, unloaded all the bags in front of the main desk in the lobby area, signed a form, and then made the long drive back; it literally took 5 minutes. Therefore, this time, I was expecting the same experience.

We pulled in front of the main entrance of The Children's Hospital a little after 3pm, and I went in first to fill out the forms and have my hospital contact paged to let her know the donations had arrived. I wasn't sure if anyone was going to come meet us or not, so we began unloading the bags from the car. When we came in with a wagon full of bags, a woman from the hospital (not my contact) came to greet me and help with the donations. While she was deciding what it would be best to do with all the bags and what not, the woman at the front desk who was wearing reindeer antlers and was so sweet offered to do a little photo op of my friend and I with some of the bags.

(Already the delivery was more rewarding for me than the last!)

The other woman was able to grab another wagon to help us bring more bags inside, and she asked us if we would help her take the wagon loads up to the NICUs - Of course we would! That's exactly what I had wanted to do, but I understood that sometimes hospital policies might not allow it.

So we took the first half of the donation to the 6th floor level 3 NICU...the same NICU where Hailey arrived one year ago from the date of the delivery. I stepped out of the elevator and saw the familiar hall with it's cheerful painted wall and the NICU sign... It pretty much took my breath away. It was the first moment where I had to hold back tears. I hadn't been on that floor, in that hall, in almost a year, and all of our experiences there with Hailey came flooding back to me. I felt like I was there for the first time again getting ready to see her for the first time since she was born. It didn't make me want to cry tears of sadness....instead, I was just feeling very moved and soaking up the moment. I was so very thankful to be able to be going back to her NICU and seeing my bags off in this way.

The woman helping us had us all buzzed into the NICU so she could discuss the donation with some of the other NICU workers. We stepped in, and again, I felt overwhelmed...but in a good way. Hailey's bed had been just to the left... It may seem odd, but being there made me feel close to her again.

[caption id="attachment_80" align="aligncenter" width="362" caption="My Courageous Little Girl"][/caption]

Eventually we went back out of the NICU to the conference room across the way where there was plenty of space to temporarily store our bags and for the NICU workers to sort through them.

The nurses were all so sweet and were just pouring over the bags. We talked all about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. They remembered receiving our first set of donations in June and told me so many wonderful things about how much the parents have appreciated our bags, they've all gone to good use, many people had been requesting them after they ran out, and so on. After I told them I was Hailey's mom and how it was her 1st birthday, they began asking questions about her. After telling them her full name, when she was in their NICU, and that she had Trisomy 18, they all seemed to remember her (although I didn't remember any of them).

I can't begin to tell you how much comfort and joy their sweet comments about how appreciated and needed Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas is at The Children's Hospital... I mean it just made me feel sooo good. I know why I do what I do with Hailey's Hope and I know the need, but it's so good to have everything reaffirmed by others. They were even (somewhat) joking around telling me they need another 50 bags next month. (They have a total of 40 beds and most of the time they are all full, so the need for the bags is there.)

After we dropped off the first half of the bags and I chatted a bit with the nurses, we went back downstairs to unload the rest of the car and bring the rest of our delivery upstairs. When we were finished unloading everything in the conference room, I talked some more with the nurses. They couldn't stop admiring all of the goodies and thought and care that went into everything, and they asked for a picture with me. They also kept asking about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas and wanted more information, all I had on me were business cards so I passed them all out. One of the nurses even mentioned she was going to share about our project with an organization she's a part of in hopes to help us with donations.

All in all, this time the delivery took about an hour to drop off and was exactly what I hoped and wanted it to be. On our way out I stopped in the hall to take a picture with the NICU sign where Hailey stayed as a little tribute to her.

Hailey's 1st birthday was truly a bittersweet day, but it was truly best way I could have celebrated my daughter's sweet little life (although next year my husband needs to be with me!).

My friend and I left the hospital around 4:15pm and stopped to enjoy a nice dinner together, and I finally arrived back home around 8:30pm. It was a long day. I came home exhausted. But I was literally glowing as I told my husband about how wonderfully the delivery went.

Thanks to everyone's prayers and God's answers, Hailey's birthday was a gift to me. I feared feeling alone, depressed, sad, full of grief, etc. But instead, I felt comfort, peace, joy, and love. Truly amazing gifts. In looking back on the day, I just feel overwhelming grateful for everything... for God, for Hailey, for Hailey's Hope, for our supporters... everything...

Thank you Jesus for always taking care of me, and thank you to everyone who has kept us in your prayers... Prayer is powerful, and it works..

As I posted on my Facebook on Hailey's birthday...

"Dear Hailey, While every part of me wishes you were here with us and we were celebrating you turning 1 today, I hold on to the hope I have that one day I'll have an eternity to spend with you...until then I pray that God will continue to daily give me his strength and peace to endure this life without you. Love you forever, Your momma (and dad)."

You are my God, and I will praise you;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

Psalm 118: 28-29

A Hard Day, A Hard Year... Another Goodbye

Well I started to write this post, and it crashed on me... So this will be even shorter than the original.

My heart has been quite heavy lately for many reasons, which is another reason why this post will be short. I cried all day on the couch and just don't think it's best for me to be writing everything that's on my heart and mind today.

But to the point, specifically today was a hard day because we had to put our pet ferret, Bosco, to sleep. He was old and sick, and it was his time...but why it had to be this week, I don't know.

I was/ am hoping to write a post on Hailey's birthday, but I'm not sure I'll be able to anymore...

This week is proving to be just a little too hard.

So that's all for now. Please keep us in your prayers this week. Thanks.

Thanksgiving, With Her and Without

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:11-12

Tonight as I sit here and write, my house is clean, truly clean, for the first time in a least a month. My dining room table is set, festively decorated for Thanksgiving tomorrow. The turkey is thawing and food is prepped. Everything is ready and waiting for me to wake up early and begin a day of cooking, feasting, and enjoying fellowship with friends as we host some of our Army family at our home for a day of football and food. I have been not only craving turkey and the other traditional Thanksgiving dishes for weeks now, but I've even been craving the smell of the turkey roasting in the oven. I mean really craving it all.

Truly, I have been actually looking forward to Thanksgiving, which surprises me. First of all, unlike many out there celebrating tomorrow, we are unable to spend the day with our families; while some might see that as a little blessing, I actually miss not being able to see our loved ones. Secondly, it's a hard day because Hailey's not here. Every normal day without her is hard enough. But 'special' days and 'holidays' are always a little extra harder. Not to mention that not only is Hailey not here, but my dad isn't here either...

So while other women who became moms this past year are most likely looking forward to celebrating their babies' first Thanksgiving tomorrow, I want to do the same, but I can't. I have no chubby baby to hold tomorrow. Hailey will not be oohed and ahhed over tomorrow or covered in kisses by family, like I had imagined for her first Thanksgiving.

But thankfully, I've been trying to focus more on what I have than what I have not. Therefore, instead of dwelling on the fact that this should be Hailey's first Thanksgiving with us, I'm choosing to actively focus on remembering what I have and that is a few treasured memories of her and this picture.

I love this picture. Obviously Hailey will be celebrating with Jesus in Heaven, but to me, this is her here with me. Her memory is here with me in her name written on a beautiful autumn leaf. The picture is also a remainder to me that other people care about her life and recognize her absence from this world. (Thank you so much to one of my Project Sweet Peas' friends for writing Hailey's name on a leaf and taking a picture of it. I am truly treasuring it this holiday. I look at it and smile every single time.)

But trust me, I'm not just this optimistic, positive person. There is a strong part of me that continually pulls me towards sadness because Hailey is not here...feeling alone, being jealous of others who are celebrating with their families and babies, wondering why me, and all those other thoughts that lead to a dangerous downward spiral. However, there is another part of me that prays and trusts that God will overcome and provide me with comfort, peace, and even joy tomorrow when I'm being pulled the other way.

Plus, the way I like to think about it, I did have a Thanksgiving with Hailey... she was just in my belly still. So tonight, one of the ways I'm going to combat the negative emotions and thoughts gnawing at me, is to remember last Thanksgiving, her first and only...

Last Thanksgiving, I was eagerly awaiting Hailey's arrival. Originally we had been given a due date in early November, and then the doctors changed it to the beginning of December. Therefore, on Thanksgiving I was ready for her to come at any time. My mother-in-law had just arrived to be with us for Hailey's birth and help us at home with her. My hospital bags were all packed and ready. We had gone to a doctor's visit where my blood pressure was bordering on too high for comfort. They didn't diagnose me with pre-eclampsia, but to be safe, they did want me to be resting more and taking it easy, practically on bed rest.

I remember it not really feeling like Thanksgiving because we weren't back home doing the normal holiday meals and traditions with family and also because of the warm Alabama temperatures that we were not used to being from the Chicago area and all...

But on Thanksgiving day we did get out of the house and enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving meal at the home of a fellow Army couple. The food was delicious, and we had a nice time, but I remember being somewhat disappointed that I couldn't eat as much food as I wanted because there simply was no room in my belly - I was already bursting at the seams!

I don't remember many other details of the day specifically, but I definitely remember the general time frame and days leading up to Hailey's birth. We had so much to be thankful for and so much we were looking forward to...

One year later, on the eve of Thanksgiving, I have a lot of things I could be angry and sad about and not thankful for at all... but instead, I choose to give thanks to God, especially for giving us Hailey. I may not understand or know why she had to go so soon, but I'm thankful for her life nonetheless. Next to Hailey, as I mentioned not too long ago, this year I am most thankful for who God is and for his unfailing promises. I am thankful for him to have carried me and healed me as much as he has so that I can have a positive outlook and be actively fighting the battles of bitterness and depression and the other things that accompany the loss of a child. He is truly my source of strength, comfort, peace, joy, and hope. Without him I have nothing. And of course, I am thankful for my family, which includes my husband, my puppy, our actual families, and my friends, especially the Army ones who come and go but are always family.

May you all have a blessed Thanksgiving filled with the love and hope that only God can give.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 107:1

(And if you think of it, could you still keep me and Josh in your prayers this Thanksgiving, even if it looks like we're doing fine, we need them).

The Hustle and Bustle

You normally hear all about the hustle and bustle surrounding the holidays. With Thanksgiving and Christmas, we all tend to operate in overdrive with packed schedules.

For me, this whole busyness of the season started a little prematurely.

Since losing Hailey, I've spent a lot of time frustrated with my new 'free' time and wondering how God wanted me to be purposeful with my life. Of course I found ways to be productive in various ways... but nonetheless, I still had a lot of time and moments of boredom. I hadn't experienced that since childhood. High school through college through career, I have overloaded on classes, jobs, and activities. The unexpected, unwanted 'free' time was a hard adjustment. If you've been following my blog for awhile you know the struggles with discontentment I've had over this 'issue.'

Well of course, as all things go, now my life is the opposite. I'm back to the too-much-to-do-and-not-enough-time-to-do-it-in mode. And again, for this week at least, I let myself become frustrated.

I'm bored I'm frustrated. I'm busy I'm frustrated. I'm terrible.

This week the busyness overwhelmed me and brought me to the verge of tears. But before I get into the details, I have to start by saying that never has the story of Mary and Martha and Jesus felt more real to me as I completely feel like a "Martha" to whom Jesus said, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and distracted by many things; there is need of only one thing" (Luke 10:41-42).

Anyway, as I explained to my husband and a friend, this week I felt like I was working at least 4 full time jobs at once. I had my normal role as the housewife taking care of bills, budget, cleaning, cooking, and so on with the added job of home buyer and traveler as I drove to Tennessee and back to Alabama (a 7 hr drive each way) in a 36 hr time frame. I also had my role that I took on a few months ago as substitute teacher. So while I spent Monday and Tuesday driving to TN and back. I then spent all day Wednesday subbing at a local junior high school. Then there's my role as project leader for Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas, a role I am ever so grateful for. I do absolutely love having the privilege of being in charge of my local project with PSP, but as the date approaches for delivery of 50 basic NICU bags and 10 "angel" memory boxes, things become extra busy and time consuming, aka like working a full time job and putting in overtime, as I work on accounting and donation forms, inventory, filling bags, crafting, and so on. Then there's the side job I picked up this week which was holding a garage sale this weekend. On their own, I love these roles I have, but when they're added together it can feel like a bit too much.

Thankfully, yesterday and today things have slowed down to a more managable pace for me. Yet I'm thinking this could only be temporary as the normal busyness of Thanksgiving and Christmas and the busyness of closing on our house, packing, moving, and other related things approach in December and January.

And here's my concern with me being this busy and stress looming around the months of December and January ...

I'm afraid of not having the time I want and need to grieve, remember, and celebrate Hailey.

Hailey's birthday is December 1st. In less than two weeks, she would have celebrated her first birthday... This a huge milestone in my grief journey. I need to take the time to reflect and reminisce and pray... Yet I'm fearing I will be too busy taking care of my nagging, seemingly endless to-do list to have the proper time to do those things. Last night as I lie in bed thinking about this, a new fear crept upon me... the fear of not being able to remember. I tried to remember her actually birth day. I tried to remember the first time my eyes saw her, the first time I held her, the first time I looked into her eyes...and I couldn't. I couldn't remember anything but the physical pain of my labor and the emotional turmoil I felt after her birth. It wrapped me in fear.

As I've mentioned before, sometimes it seems like the more I try to remember her the harder it is and the further away the memory goes.

But then I thought of one of the best pieces of advice I've ever heard about this aspect of losing a loved one.

Think of something specific.

Tom Hanks' character Captain Miller says it to Matt Damon's character Private Ryan in the movie Saving Private Ryan. After learning he lost all his brothers, Private Ryan becomes frustrated he can't picture one of his brother's face anymore... Captain Miller tells him the key is to think of something specific... a specific memory...

And it's true. Anytime I can't see Hailey's face in my memory, it honestly terrifies me... but then I think of something specific. I think of holding her late at night and looking into her eyes as I rock her back and forth.  I think of giving her her first bath. And so on. But I have to admit... even that doesn't always work as well as I want it to... and sometimes it seems like I'm only able to remember the moments we've recorded on film.

Anyway... come December 1st, I hope Josh and I can have the time we need to remember Hailey, and I'm already praying we can find that time and find comfort on that day... and the same goes for January 6th, the one year anniversary of her passing... I don't just want those days to breeze by because of trivial busy things on my to-do list.

It's easy for me to have the urge to start worrying about how I'm going to do it all and handle it all in the upcoming months... but thankfully I learned years ago that that's me talking, not God. So even though there's no getting around many of things that will in deed create a busy holiday season for me, I will continue to turn to God in prayer instead of allowing myself to worry. One of the many things I will be praying for is that I don't let the little stuff consume me, stress me out, or keep me from having times of rest with God and times of remembering my daughter.

Hailey's Hope Updates

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I have to admit, some days I question my decision to make sure the world knows I had a daughter named Hailey. I question whether sharing about her and what happened to her and opening my heart and sharing my grief with the world is a good thing.

Putting yourself out there with anything is hard, but putting the precious life of your beloved daughter who died when your heart is forever broken by her loss is a completely different story. It's beyond hard. It takes courage, but sometimes I wonder if I mistake courage for a false idealistic hope or even foolishness.

When I choose to share about Hailey, her journey, and my journey, whether it's right here on my blog, on a grief website, in a letter, to a business (ie: coin collection jars), or to strangers in public (ie: my Hollyday Mart booth), I'm not just sharing our story, a "part" of my life, I'm allowing everyone access to my wounds. It's like I've removed a bandage, and I've exposed my pain and grief and tragedy for the world to see and have access to.

In doing this, I risk having salt poured on my wound, having it ripped open again, and being further broken by my loss. In some sense, I'm setting myself up for it all, disappointment, hurt, loneliness, and so on.

It's hard for me to not take someone turning down a chance to support Hailey's Hope personally because when it happens, it's like they are rejecting my baby who is dead. And in my mind, I think, how can someone possibly do that? To me such actions say: I don't care about your daughter's life, and I don't care about what happened to you. I don't care about the pain you deal with on a daily basis. She doesn't matter, and you don't matter. While this may not be the person's true thoughts or feelings, and I know it probably never is... But regardless, it always feels that way and not taking it personally is really difficult.

And so there are moments in this journey of keeping my daughter's memory alive, whether it's through something larger like Hailey's Hope or something smaller like my reply to a stranger asking how many kids I have and telling them I had a daughter, but she passed away, where I fight to smile instead of cry at the response or lack thereof I'm given. In those moments, when my heart further breaks inside, I wonder if it wouldn't be easier just to "put my past behind me" and keep her a secret all to myself. Because many women who have lost a child do this, and now I'm starting to perhaps understand why...

Yesterday I experienced several of these moments.

Yesterday, if you didn't know, I had a vendor booth at a local craft fair. I set it up to sell the headbands I make to help me support Hailey's Hope and to share about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. I knew I was putting myself in another situation where I could end up hurt and disappointed if the response wasn't what I wanted because of how personal this all is to me.

There were many hard moments when I watched pregnant woman after pregnant woman give my booth a look and walk on, or when people looked at our booth, smiled at me, and walked on... you'd think the smile would be encouraging, but it wasn't. And then were was the word vomit that came out of some young mother's mouth that I found to just be unbelievable. For instance, in the midst of her asking and me telling her that Hailey's condition was lethal or fatal, she replied with a stupid comment about how everything's fatal these days even a skinned knee, and I honestly thought in my head, "Are you stupid lady? Did you really just say that to me? Do you have any common sense or compassion at all?" She clearly wasn't interested in listening or caring and so I let her run her mouth so she'd leave...

I still get worked up just thinking about it... Anyway... despite that all and despite any similar moments in the past 10.5 months where I've felt discouraged by others, the encouraging moments always overpower them.

For instance, yesterday, it was awesome having several of our friends stop by and visit us, especially during the times when sales were slow. Several of them even opened up their hearts and their checkbooks and generously gave to Hailey's Hope. Whether they donated $1 or $100 to us or just stopped by to say hi, they were a great source of encouragement to me. (Thank you friends!)

And all in all, my first attempt at a vendor booth went well. Many people had encouraging words to share with me. Many people were interested in learning about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. I gave away a lot of informational handouts. Combining sales of my headbands and donations, about $350 was raised for Hailey's Hope, which I think is just awesome!

Any time I feel discouraged with Hailey's Hope and what I'm doing in memory of Hailey, I think back to all of the encouraging moments I've had this year, like the amazing donation I recently received from the school where I taught from 07/08 to 08/09. Even though I've been gone for a year and a half, they've shown me that I wasn't just another co-worker who came and went. They are people who truly care.

Long story short, they offered to hold an item drive in their classrooms for me this fall, and last week they shipped 8 gigantic boxes worth of items for our bags. It's by far the largest donation we've ever received and was more than I ever could have imagined receiving. They also raised an incredible amount of money for our cause. It was one of the most touching and moving experiences ever for me.

So this leads me into my updates for where we are with our delivery on Hailey's 1st birthday, December 1st, which is quickly approaching.

With the two very large monetary donations we received this fall from a family member and Army friend, combined with the very large monetary donation and 8 boxes of items donated by my old school, combined with an awesome amount of items donated by my best friend's family, combined with all the wonderful monetary and item donations made by strangers, families, and friends, and combined with all the proceeds from the headbands I sell through Blossoms of Blessings, we have easily reached our goal of donating 50 basic NICU bags and 10 "angel" memory boxes on Hailey's birthday! And not only have we reached our goal, but in fact we surpassed it, so everything not used for Hailey's birthday delivery will give us an awesome start towards our deliveries in 2011!

From the bottom of my heart, I can't say it enough, thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has encouraged me and supported Hailey's Hope in any way whatsoever! It means the world to me and to my daughter's memory, and I am so happy to be able to make a difference in someone else's world through this.

So for the next two weeks I will be busy working on finishing memory boxes and filling and finishing our bags so that our delivery is all ready to be delivered to The Children's Hospital on Hailey's birthday. It will definitely be one of the best ways I can celebrate my daughter's life on her birthday....

"He who is generous will be blessed..." Proverbs 22:9

Giving Thanks

I've been wanting to write this post for some time now, and I'm glad I finally have the time to write tonight. I wanted to make sure this posted before Thanksgiving because this is about giving thanks.

Last November I did something on Facebook where every day of the month I listed something I was thankful for. I'm sure you don't remember my doing this, but I certainly do, and it's actually something I've thought about time and again this past year. And even if you don't remember me doing it, I'm sure if you're on Facebook at least one of your friends is currently doing this - some call it '30 days of thanks' or something similar.

This year, I've refrained from doing it and wanted to write this blog post in its place.

The idea of giving thanks and being grateful is a wonderful one. It's terrible to go through life taking things for granted, not appreciating them, and not being thankful for them. But I think sometimes we get it wrong and end up being hurt or let down because of it.

You see every day last November I expressed my thanks to God for things like my husband, my dog, my family, my friends, my health, my pregnancy, and little things I take pleasure in like bubble baths or hot cups of tea... But come December and January... what was I thanking God for?

Was I still thankful for my healthy pregnancy when my baby actually wasn't healthy, and I learned she was going to die? Was I still thanking God for the family he's given me when my dad was dying of cancer and when suddenly in January my family was stricken with grief, and I no longer had a daughter or father? In the months after losing Hailey and my dad, was I still thankful for something as trivial as being able to drink a hot cup of tea? I have to say probably not.

What was wrong with me? Was I suddenly ungrateful? Was God not blessing my life? Did He not care? And so the questions ate away at me.

Think about it.

I can say I'm thankful that God has blessed me with such a wonderful home and that I'm not living on the streets, but what if something happens and I am living on the streets. What am I thankful for then? Perhaps then I could say well at least I still have my health, for that I'm thankful. But what happens when I learn I have cancer? Am I still thankful that I'm unhealthy? Honest answer, probably not.

Everything I was thankful for in the past was usually circumstantial. Sure it's good to be thankful for your circumstances, but what about when your circumstances aren't what you want them to be or are beyond what you can bare? I'm not thankful that my baby died. I'm not thankful for my grief. I'm not thankful for the depression. I'm not thankful for those circumstances in and of themselves. I'm only thankful when the circumstances are what I want them to be, when life is good and cushy.

Do you see my issue here? I'm sure you can relate to some extent.

The risk of placing our gratitude in circumstances is that they change and when they are taken from us it can leave us feeling angry, bitter, depressed, hurt, and empty. It happened to me.

I went for the whole month of November feeling very blessed by God and very thankful for everything in my life... for my circumstances... But what happened to me when my circumstances drastically changed to the most painful circumstances I could imagine? I felt a blow of disappointment. I felt let down, even cursed by God. I was depressed and close to feeling empty, alone, and hopeless.

Was I still thankful I had a home and clothes on my back? Of course I was, but knowing those things and being thankful for them didn't uplift me. Honestly, I could have cared less that I still had nice clothes or a nice car to drive because I'd give it all away to have my daughter back... to have my dad back...

I really struggled with these things this past year. I wanted to give thanks to God. I wanted to be grateful for my life and what he's given me... But I couldn't do it and that's because I had it all wrong.

Here's my point. Too often we are only grateful for our circumstances and material things, too often that's where our hope and joy come from, and too often that's wrong. This year I think I have it right.

Sure I'll still give thanks to God for my home and food and everything else he provides for me... But I've learned to still be thankful even if when those things are taken away. How can that be?

Because I'm thankful for God. My thanks and my hope and my joy are all placed in God. I am thankful God is who He says He is. I am thankful for His promises. I am thankful He loves me. Because God and His word are true and will never change, I can always give thanks, I can always place my trust, I can always find hope, and I will never be disappointed.

So today... and every day... I am thankful for God.

Here's my list that's in the works. It's just the beginning with only a few scripture references of support even though there are many more.

I am thankful God created me and knows me better than I know myself. (Ps. 119:73, 139:13)


I am thankful God loves me and that he loves me so much it reaches to the Heavens and that he sent his son to die for me so I can have a relationship with him and eternal life with him. (John 3:16, Romans 5:8, 1 Peter 5:7, Ps. 58: 10)

I am thankful God has prepared a place for me with him in Heaven. (John 14:2)

I am thankful that one day I will enter God's Kingdom and be reunited with my daughter and hopefully my dad and that I will spend an eternity with them and God in perfect love and peace and joy ... (2 Sam. 12:23, Rev. 21:4)

I am thankful God created me to be in relationship with him. (Gen. 5:1, Lev. 26:12)


I am thankful God has given me his Holy Spirit, that he empowers me, that he enables me to approach his throne, and that he wants to hear from me. (Romans 5:5, Hebrews 4:16)


I am thankful God gives me his strength when I am weak and that he renews my strength to go on every day. (2 Cor. 12:9-10, Isaiah 40: 31)


I am thankful God gives me peace when I am in turmoil and seek him. (Phil. 4:7, Romans 15:13)


I am thankful God never changes and is a firm rock upon which I can stand. (Hebrews 13:8, 2 Samuel 22:32-34)

I am thankful God lifts me up when I am down. (Ps. 40:2)


I am thankful God is compassionate. (Ps. 116:5)

I am thankful God is close to me and comforts me when I grieve and cry and mourn and ache and am full of pain. (Ps. 34:18)


I am thankful God is the ultimate healer and has and continues to heal my brokenness. (Jer. 30:17,


I am thankful God has saved me from depression; he sustains me and helps me. (Ps. 54:4, Ps. 55:22)

I am thankful God guides my paths. ( Ps. 3:6)


I am thankful God will never leave me or forsake me and that he is faithful. (Deut. 7:9)


I am thankful God enables me to be what I've always wanted but am naturally not, like kind, patient, loving, and so on. (Gal. 5:22, 2 Tim. 1:7)


I am thankful God forgives me for all the ugly things I am and do. (1 John 1:9)


I am thankful to be called a child of God's. (1 John 3:1, Isaiah 43:25)


I am thankful that God continues to redeem my broken life. (Ps. 103:3-4)


I am thankful nothing I can ever do and nothing at all can ever separate me from the love of God. (Romans 8:37-39)

November 6th ...

Who knew that November 6th would come to be a day full of memories for me?

Two years ago today I was living in central Illinois teaching 8th grade language arts and was actually in the middle of parent teacher conferences when I learned that my brother's first baby had arrived. It was a day full of celebration and joy and love...

Happy 2nd Birthday Braden! Your Aunt Krissy loves and misses you so!

One year ago today as my nephew celebrated his first birthday, and we were spending our first fall in lower Alabama. I think we were actually going to the National Peanut festival around this time. My belly was nice and round, and we were eagerly awaiting the arrival of our first baby...It was a time of change and love and eager anticipation.

(haha funny that I was wearing the same shirt :P)

Ten months ago today I woke up to learn that my baby had passed away in the early morning. I kissed her and held her little body for the last time. It was one of the worst and hardest days of my life.

Love and miss you always munchkin.

And today... ten months after saying goodbye to Hailey, we are at Ft. Campbell and waiting to hear back on the offer we put in on a house  in Tennessee. It's been a day full of excitement and nervousness and anticipation. Here's a preview of our possible new house, God-willing...

Just looking back on today and what it means for me and my life shows me how life is ever changing, is quite the roller coaster, and I never know what to expect even when I'm expecting something... all I've learned is to hold on to God as the world and time and the events of life whirl by around me...

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

An update on Army life

Just wanted to do a quick post tonight because I'm sleepy and I'm not sure when I'll have time to post again in the near future because we're going out of town again.

So that leads me to my first update. Josh and I are heading up to Ft. Campbell this weekend to do our first round of house hunting together. We're leaving Thursday afternoon (with Opie!) and staying at our friend's house, and we'll come back to AL on Monday. I'm so thankful Josh was able to take leave and come with me! Really you have no idea how blessed we are to have time to do some of this together! Last week we started with over 40 houses on our list (seriously) and cut it in half together when I came home from my first recon mission. However, as we continue to talk to fellow Army families who have been to Campbell and as we continue to search online, our list is growing again (the buyers' market out there is crazy!). Thankfully, we are going to have a real estate agent help us this weekend. I'm so excited to be able to actually go inside of these houses we've only seen online or that I've only driven by! So it will be a busy, but fun weekend.

My other piece of news is that Josh finally found out what unit he's being sent to. And like with all things Army, this wasn't an easy task. Yesterday he received an email notifying him that his 'unofficial' written orders were available online. Unfortunately, he also spent all day yesterday trying to access them but of course the websites and logins and whatever else just happened to be not working ... But finally today, he was able to access and view them.

And... (drumroll)...

He's being sent to the 101st Aviation Brigade.

Now I'm sure none of you know what this means and maybe you don't even care what it means... but I'll try to explain briefly what this means for Josh and me.

First, it's still unofficial and therefore can still change. But essentially if it's correct, it means that he will most likely not be seeing  a deployment while we are stationed at Ft. Campbell. Good news for me and all of my selfish reasons for wanting him with me. Somewhat bad news for what he wants, his career, and so on.

But like I said, this is what we know now and are dealing with now, but nothing is ever set in stone with the Army and so what I'm writing today may not actually turn out to be true... This is our Army life... knowing but not knowing... just as fun as the hurry up and wait ...  So we'll just have to see where the Army takes us. But thank God that He is ultimately in control of everything!

So if I don't post again for another week, that's why... But hopefully I'll come back with some fun house hunting adventures to share about!

11 Months... (& A Hailey's Hope Update)

Today is another anniversary (that's what I've come to call 'these' days)... Hailey would have turned 11 months old, today, 1 month away from celebrating her 1st birthday. Instead, today's just another day I miss her.

Instead of taking pictures of her and marveling over her accomplishments, I sit and wonder what she'd look like. And I can't. I can't imagine her.

Over the weekend my husband and I were in a store doing some last minute shopping for our costumes, and we ran into a little boy (almost literally) in one of the aisles. He was probably about two years old, and his face reminded me so much of Hailey's with it's tiny little features. He was so cute. He made my heart smile. Even though he was a little boy, the encounter gave me a glimpse into what Hailey might have looked as a toddler.

And today instead of sharing pictures of and stories about her first costume and first Halloween/ fall-related adventures like other moms, I sit and miss her and do what I can in memory of her.

Today I spent most of the day working on various tasks for Hailey's Hope. I went to the store and bought the remainder of items I need to fill 25 basic NICU bags so that I can get a head start on our delivery (which is one month from today)!

Have I mentioned lately that I'm very thankful to have Hailey's Hope? Because I am. It definitely gives me reason to feel good on days where everything else might tell me to feel sad.

So instead of going shopping for a gift or clothes or something for Hailey like I probably would have been doing if she were still with us, today I went shopping in memory of her and because of her, and it filled a little void in my heart.

And on that related note, today marks one month until our special delivery on Hailey's 1st birthday, December 1st. Just to remind you, our goal is to donate 50 basic NICU gift bags (they will be given to families as they arrive in the NICU with their babies) and 10 "angel" memory boxes (they will be given to parents whose babies lose their battle in the NICU). I'm so happy with all of the support and donations we've received so far. Thanks to two very large monetary donations and all of the smaller donations we've received, I'm very confident that we will be able to reach this special, huge goal I set for Hailey's Hope.

If you haven't donated yet you still can! If you'd like your donation to count towards this special delivery, I'm requesting that it arrives to me by November 15th so that I have plenty of time to finish filling the bags. If you still want to donate and aren't sure when you can, I just want to remind you that we will continue to do what we do! This isn't a one time thing or just for this year. This is a permanent project that I will run for as many years as God leads me to!

Here's a little preview of our bags so far - tonight I filled 19 bags (minus their finish touches including labels and cards):

Changing Seasons

Wow this is a new one for me ... over a week since I last blogged. Here are my main excuses: Amongst the other things that regularly keep me busy, I subbed twice, went on a last minute  3 day trip to check out Fort Campbell (which I like to refer to as my recon mission trying to scope out the area so we can begin house hunting), and then had to finish our homemade costumes for the Spooky 5K on post that we participated in - see pictures below.

(View of the drive in TN)

(Spooky 5K costumes - our half of 'Scooby and the gang')

My life seems to be moving from one season to another right now. How appropriate for this to be happening to me in the fall as the leaves change colors and the world prepares for winter.

Since Hailey passed away, I've struggled with grief and depression and the new, unexpected, and unwanted turn in my life and all that's come along with it. As I've written about many times before, overnight my life changed and I woke up many mornings feeling I was in a living nightmare. I lost my dad, I had no daughter, I wasn't a mom, I had no full time job, I didn't know who I was or what to do with myself, I was living in a new state hundreds of miles from family and learning what it meant to be married to the Army... all at once.

As my season of grief raged on, God gave me glimmers of joy and peace and even purpose. My unwanted free time became a blessing that allowed me to do things I otherwise would have been unable to enjoy, like exercising and donating care packages to families who have babies in NICUs. I began to accept more and more that I don't write the plans to my life, God does. And so with God's help I worked my way through my grief and other negative emotions that accompanied it. I began to feel purposeful again. It was hard but I created a 'new life' after Hailey and fell into a new routine I grew to love.

But nothing ever lasts. Every time I seem to establish a routine with my life and become complacent, life throws something at me, sometimes something welcomed, other times something not.

The season of my life appears to be changing again. This time to one where my grief is quieter and my tears and sadness seem less, where I embrace the present and future more and more, where the tragedy of losing Hailey seems like it's in the distant past almost so much so that some days if I look at my life right now it's as if she never existed, and I will admit, I hate those moments. Sometimes it feels as if I'm to the point where I've moved on without her, like the past two years never happened, and I'm back to my 'normal' self before her. Again, I will admit, I hate feeling that way because there is no going back to how things were before her, even if that's how it may appear to the rest of the world. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss her and think of her.

I know this will be a battle I have for the rest of my life. Hailey will be like a secret I carry that no one will know or understand. I'll go through the motions of life's activities like pumpkin picking, costume making, house hunting, and so on, always wishing I had my daughter there with me, always imagining what my life would be like in that particular moment with my daughter there, always thinking that's how it should have been, but isn't. I go through all these activities and an outsider never knows that I have a  daughter who should have been in the picture with me too. It's a frustrating thing for me. (On that note, if you have a baby or a child, can you do me a favor? Can you just hug them extra tight today for me and those of us surrounding you who in watching you with your babies miss ours all that much more?)

As we get ready for our new chapter, or season, in our life as we move to Fort Campbell, I also work to prepare myself for meeting new people and making new friends, again. And I'm constantly feeling tugs on my heart as I imagine them asking the same question everyone always asks, "Do you have any kids?" I've been thinking about this question a lot lately even though I haven't been asked it in awhile.

What do people mean when they ask that question? Is it implied that they mean living kids? How awkward would it be if I replied, "No. No living kids." I usually answer, "Yes, I had a daughter, but she passed away." I refuse to keep it a secret and lead people to believe I never had a baby who I had to bury and create a lie about my life, but at the same time, the honesty always creates an awkwardness and most of the time I don't think they really want the honest answer. They want to know if I currently have any kids...and I don't...  Right now, since it hasn't even been a year since Hailey has been gone, it seems more likely to me that I will continue to answer that I had a baby. But I wonder if I will still answer the question the same seven years from now? And then I wonder what other parents do who have lost a child. What do the parents do who lost their son or daughter when they were teenagers? What do they say ten years later when someone asks them how many children they have? How do they answer the question? Do they mention the one who died?

I'm sure there is no right or wrong answer and everyone answers differently, just as everyone grieves differently. But for now, I do not want the fact that I had a baby who died to be a secret in my life, because it's actually a huge part of my life and has been the most significant moment of my life thus far. It doesn't feel right to answer any differently. So I suppose I will answer the question the same, honestly, whether I think people want to hear it or not, whether it creates an awkwardness or not...

And I have to admit, I didn't intend for my post to go this route, but it did. I guess even as I go through the motions and get ready for this new turn in my life, the truth of my heart and where it's at always comes out.

Things are busy right now, but it's a welcomed busy. To my surprise, I'm actually enjoying where my life is at right now. I am seeing that life can go on and can be good again, although I can always find reason not to be completely satisfied with my life because my baby is dead after all... But I try my best not to let those thoughts and feelings keep me a prisoner of my grief and keep me from making the most of my life.

So I'm enjoying working on our delivery for Hailey's Hope in a month, substitute teaching every now and then, house hunting, and getting ready for our move, Josh's graduation, and the holidays. I'm already anticipating to feel many mixed emotions in the next two months... I'll have many reasons to celebrate and be happy and many reasons to grieve... Just praying God helps me handle the changing seasons and everything that will come at me into the new year.