(Haven't done this in a loooong time... back to back posts)
In the midst of a diaper change and removing your clean clothes from the dryer, I stop and look at you. Standing in the hallway, I peer through the doorway of your room, and my heart fills as I watch you play on the floor. You can't see me, but I watch you push your tiny body high up off the ground with your skinny little arms and lower yourself back down again. I watch your tiny hands and fingers explore the blanket and carpet and your head as you watch yourself too as you explore your world. I must have made a noise because you turn and look back at me. For a moment we lock eyes and within an instant we're both smiling at each other. You turn back to whatever it was that had your attention before you saw me. Before I go back to my business with the laundry, I continue to stand there, taking in the moment. To see you playing in your room by yourself, in your room that I was once so fearful would never be your home, in a room that once was empty but full of dreams... to see those dreams of mine fulfilled and cherish them coming true in this moment... My heart sighs... All of me smiles... My love for your pulsates through me, warms me, energizes me, makes me feel like I'm leaking joy. And I love it. I love this moment. I love all of these moments. I love you. And I'm so thankful for it all.
I love being your mom. And I'm so thankful for it.
The other day while you were fast asleep in bed for the night, I was moving about our bedroom, picking up and putting away random things from the day, and there was your sock. I never knew the sight of a little sock, out of place, "adding to the mess" in our room, would bring me such delight, would make me feel so much love. It's amazing. That little sock made me so happy. It was one of your white and navy Hanes socks. I'm so thankful to have a little boy who wears that little sock on his little foot. I'm so thankful to be his mommy, to be your mommy.
Some might tell you that your mommy is a perfectionist, and your mommy would tell you that they are probably right. To me everything has a place; I like order, I like cleanliness, I like perfection. But of course, when a child enters the picture, there isn't always order and perfection, a lot of time there's dirt and chaos, especially with little boys I hear... But I love it. I love that my once "picture perfect," clean living room now has your toys all over the place.
It's funny how writing this about such "trivial" things makes me tear up right now...
I love these things and these things bring me so much joy and make me feel so much love because they are evidence that a little boy lives in this home and is loved here. Present tense, lives... My dream come true in you.
There was a time when there was "evidence" of your sister all over our house. I didn't take as much time then to appreciate it all, but after she was gone, I missed all the dirty bottles filling the sink. I hated her mark on our world having to be put away, stored, taken out of our home. She was gone and so was most evidence of her. It emptied mommy's heart.
So when I see everything in our home that says a little boy lives here and is loved here... that makes me happier than you can ever imagine.
A dirty sock, a bib with spit up, toys all over the floor... well my little boy, they make your mommy's heart smile. Now of course, if you ever read this, do not interpret this as my saying it's okay to leave messes for mommy to clean up, it's not. But know I love you, every part of you, and everything that comes along with taking care of you.
One last thing...
Lately this week you've been wanting to cuddle a lot, and it's been amazing. You let mommy hold you in my lap as we both just sit there and relax while mommy gives you kisses on your head and you suck on your fingers. I love those quiet, peaceful, close moments. And today, for the second time this week, when you've been tired and mommy's just about to carry you upstairs for your nap and I hold you against my chest, you've rested your head on my shoulder... Little boy, there is not much better than feeling your love like that... I hope you never grow to old to let your mommy give you kisses or to give your momma hugs.
And as if I haven't said it enough, I love your smiles and laughs and when we smile and laugh together - and finally in the past week or so you're really starting to laugh. I love it.
I love you. I thank God for you every day.
(Time for me to go, you're trying to wake up early from your nap again... )
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
To my husband on Valentine's Day
To my husband,
I hope you don't mind that part of your Valentine's Day gift includes a blog post, but, as you know, I find it easiest to express myself in writing even if my words aren't always eloquent, and I don't mind if the world reads this.
I know you and many others view Valentine's Day as a silly, commercial holiday and think that, really, every day love should be celebrated, but some people, like myself, don't always do those things on "regular" days like we should. Therefore, I think it's especially important that today of all days I make sure to go out of my way to tell you I love you, celebrate our love, and speak your love language(s) to you.
Joshua Ryan, I love you with an everlasting love. (Jer. 31:3) I really do. I firmly believe you are the man God intended me to marry, to form a family with, have children with, live a life with. In the 11 years we've spent together (5 of which we've spent married), we've grown together, changed together, matured together, and been on many journeys (literal and figurative) together. We've had amazing, miraculous, joyful seasons, and we've had seasons of pain, anger, hurt, and grief, but because we knew from day one that our marriage wasn't just a relationship between the two of us, that God is at the center, we've been able to love along the way, love when it isn't easy, love when we don't feel like loving, even if we haven't always loved perfectly.
But that's the thing, we can't love perfectly. Some people think that when you're in love you feel like loving all the time and there are unspoken expectations of a perfect love, but the reality is that you don't always feel like loving someone all the time because love that's true love isn't a feeling, it's deeper. It's loving even when you don't want to or don't feel like it, even when you think the other doesn't deserve it. Love is deeper. Love is sacrificial. Love is selfless. Love is forgiving. And the only perfect love is Christ's. Finally, after all these years, I'm finally starting to see marriage, and our marriage and love, as God has designed it. I've finally given up expectations of perfection and idealized fairy tale dreams and realized we need to love each other as Christ loves us (something I knew from the beginning but haven't fully grasped until now). I need to love you as Christ loves you, serve you, make sacrifices for you, show you grace and forgiveness - all as exemplified as Christ's life which he lived and died for you, for me. And even in the darkest moments when I'm tempted to stop loving, I have still loved you, and it's actually in those times that God has given me great clarity to know that you are in fact the man He designed for me to love. The imperfect you, the sinful you, the "Army" you that makes life constantly changing and challenging, the wonderful you. You are my love.
I'm finally learning and taking to heart that marriage and love are about showing grace, offering forgiveness, being selfless, making sacrifices, seeking holiness, and bringing glory to God. It's hard and it takes hard work. Marriage isn't all about happiness and romance and fairy tales, but at times it can be and God has intended a deeper love for us, and I believe we have that.
No marriage is free from hardships, but sometimes I feel our marriage, only being 5 years young, has endured more than most. In those 5 years, we've lived in three states, which required three moves and "starting over" three times, we've lived miles apart and spent days and months apart, we've birthed two children, we've buried one, we've dealt with our imperfections and private sins along the way, we've been through a lot and have a lot more to endure, especially with your pending deployment, but I know our marriage and love will endure because of God's work in our lives.
Thank you for loving the imperfect me especially when I make it hard. Thank you for fighting for me and showing me our marriage is always worth fighting for. Thank you for your love, commitment, grace, and everything in between. With God's help, I am committed to being the wife He has designed me to be for you and to love you as He loves you, so that you see Him in me and our love can be made complete in Him.
I love you. I am proud of you. I am thankful to call you my husband and the father of our children. Hailey and Isaac are so loved by you and they will grow up in a home of love. I recently quoted this on Facebook, from Jerry Jenkins, "Your marital story should become a legend that is shared through the generations as you grow a family tree that defies all odds and boasts marriage after marriage of stability, strength, and longevity;" I think and hope that will be true of ours. May you always be captivated by my love (Proverbs 5:19 ).
Love you forever and always, me
P.S. I hate to just throw some scripture in at the end, but if I had more time, I'd try to weave them into my words... but our son and household duties are demanding my attention and I have to wrap this up quickly... But let us meditate on the verses God has spoken to us on love.
1 John 4:7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
Song of Solomon 2:16 My lover is mine, and I am his
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband
Colossians 3:14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
I hope you don't mind that part of your Valentine's Day gift includes a blog post, but, as you know, I find it easiest to express myself in writing even if my words aren't always eloquent, and I don't mind if the world reads this.
I know you and many others view Valentine's Day as a silly, commercial holiday and think that, really, every day love should be celebrated, but some people, like myself, don't always do those things on "regular" days like we should. Therefore, I think it's especially important that today of all days I make sure to go out of my way to tell you I love you, celebrate our love, and speak your love language(s) to you.
Joshua Ryan, I love you with an everlasting love. (Jer. 31:3) I really do. I firmly believe you are the man God intended me to marry, to form a family with, have children with, live a life with. In the 11 years we've spent together (5 of which we've spent married), we've grown together, changed together, matured together, and been on many journeys (literal and figurative) together. We've had amazing, miraculous, joyful seasons, and we've had seasons of pain, anger, hurt, and grief, but because we knew from day one that our marriage wasn't just a relationship between the two of us, that God is at the center, we've been able to love along the way, love when it isn't easy, love when we don't feel like loving, even if we haven't always loved perfectly.
But that's the thing, we can't love perfectly. Some people think that when you're in love you feel like loving all the time and there are unspoken expectations of a perfect love, but the reality is that you don't always feel like loving someone all the time because love that's true love isn't a feeling, it's deeper. It's loving even when you don't want to or don't feel like it, even when you think the other doesn't deserve it. Love is deeper. Love is sacrificial. Love is selfless. Love is forgiving. And the only perfect love is Christ's. Finally, after all these years, I'm finally starting to see marriage, and our marriage and love, as God has designed it. I've finally given up expectations of perfection and idealized fairy tale dreams and realized we need to love each other as Christ loves us (something I knew from the beginning but haven't fully grasped until now). I need to love you as Christ loves you, serve you, make sacrifices for you, show you grace and forgiveness - all as exemplified as Christ's life which he lived and died for you, for me. And even in the darkest moments when I'm tempted to stop loving, I have still loved you, and it's actually in those times that God has given me great clarity to know that you are in fact the man He designed for me to love. The imperfect you, the sinful you, the "Army" you that makes life constantly changing and challenging, the wonderful you. You are my love.
I'm finally learning and taking to heart that marriage and love are about showing grace, offering forgiveness, being selfless, making sacrifices, seeking holiness, and bringing glory to God. It's hard and it takes hard work. Marriage isn't all about happiness and romance and fairy tales, but at times it can be and God has intended a deeper love for us, and I believe we have that.
No marriage is free from hardships, but sometimes I feel our marriage, only being 5 years young, has endured more than most. In those 5 years, we've lived in three states, which required three moves and "starting over" three times, we've lived miles apart and spent days and months apart, we've birthed two children, we've buried one, we've dealt with our imperfections and private sins along the way, we've been through a lot and have a lot more to endure, especially with your pending deployment, but I know our marriage and love will endure because of God's work in our lives.
Thank you for loving the imperfect me especially when I make it hard. Thank you for fighting for me and showing me our marriage is always worth fighting for. Thank you for your love, commitment, grace, and everything in between. With God's help, I am committed to being the wife He has designed me to be for you and to love you as He loves you, so that you see Him in me and our love can be made complete in Him.
I love you. I am proud of you. I am thankful to call you my husband and the father of our children. Hailey and Isaac are so loved by you and they will grow up in a home of love. I recently quoted this on Facebook, from Jerry Jenkins, "Your marital story should become a legend that is shared through the generations as you grow a family tree that defies all odds and boasts marriage after marriage of stability, strength, and longevity;" I think and hope that will be true of ours. May you always be captivated by my love (Proverbs 5:19 ).
Love you forever and always, me
P.S. I hate to just throw some scripture in at the end, but if I had more time, I'd try to weave them into my words... but our son and household duties are demanding my attention and I have to wrap this up quickly... But let us meditate on the verses God has spoken to us on love.
1 John 4:7 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.
Song of Solomon 2:16 My lover is mine, and I am his
1 Corinthians 13:1-3 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.
Ephesians 5:33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband
Colossians 3:14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Isaac is 6 months old!
Today my baby boy turns 6 months old! {Happy Birthday Isaac!}
We have his 6 month check up on Friday, so I won't have his 6 month height and weight stats until then, but rest assured, he is a healthy, growing boy looking more and more like a little man every day. He remains long and lean, although we started him on rice cereal once a day this past week, and I swear he's already chunking out from it as seen by his new chubby thighs that actually look a little rolly polly.
Highlights from his 5th month:
As I just mentioned, we recently started introducing Isaac to "solid" foods. We've been waiting until he turns 6 months old to really introduce solids because of his food sensitivities and intolerances to certain foods in my breastmilk and his family history with food allergies. However, he has been so curious and attentive while we eat, that we went ahead and tried it once a day, and it's going fabulously (minus the slight constipation). He's such a good eater! Very polite too, only trying to grab for the spoon on occasion. Otherwise he sits still, places his tiny hands on the tray, and opens up wide for the spoon - he's too cute, but I'm not sure how long his "polite" eating will last so I'll enjoy it now. I'm looking forward to giving him new foods to try this month and praying he won't react to any of them (which he shouldn't because they are the least likely to cause a reaction).
The most significant milestone this month for Isaac has been cutting his first teeth! As I've mentioned in prior posts, he's showed signs of teething for a couple of months now, and finally one morning as he was sucking on my fingers, I felt something sharp and checked! Sure enough, there was a little sliver of a tooth poking through, and two days later (January 14th to be exact), I could clearly see 2 little teeth! They are his bottom two central incisors and didn't seem to cause him any noticeable pain or discomfort.
Other than that he's gaining more and more awareness of his body and all the ways he can move around as he gains more control. He's really jumping around in his bouncer now, he is a champ at rolling from back to tummy both ways, likes playing on his tummy a lot, is doing amazing push ups, and has rolled from tummy to back a few times, but mostly on accident - he's still working on that skill. He also sleeps only on his stomach now - place him on his back and he just rolls to his tummy.
Unfortunately, his sleeping through the night has taken a little hit because he wakes up on his tummy frustrated he can't move, but he's still going to bed and waking up around the same time as last month - around 7:30-8pm bedtime, wake up between 7-8am. His napping during the day has been less predictable this month but his awake time his quite predictable at 2 hrs and then he's out. He generally takes a morning nap, an early afternoon nap, and a late afternoon/ evening nap now, but sometimes that changes and he has more naps that are shorter. He hasn't napped for 2 hrs straight since last month; most naps are an average of 45min-1 hr 20min. This month's struggle has been making it from his late afternoon nap/ early evening to bedtime - he's typically waking up at 4:30-4:45 which means he has to make it 3 hrs until bedtime, when he can only stay awake for 2 hrs, but he can't take a nap an hr before bed and we can't move bedtime up otherwise he's up at the crack of dawn and we can't push nap times back... so we're just taking it in stride and dealing with it as best we can (sometimes this month our best friend has been the baby Bjorn carrier which we had to break back out again).
So our typical schedule with 5 month old Isaac: wake up around 7am and feed him, then he'd relax and "digest" in his little reclined chair and then his swing while I showered and got ready for the day, then he'd play while I grabbed some quick breakfast, usually playtime is a rotation of his bouncer or rolling around on the floor, just this past week he finally started to appreciate playing in his Bumbo, then around the 1.5 hr mark he'd relax with me on the couch and suck his fingers, then 15 min before naptime we're in his room for a diaper change and "setting the stage" which includes drawing the curtains, playing his white noise, putting him down in his crib, and winding his mobile, he then falls asleep almost exactly 2 hrs after he woke up, no crying or anything, just rolls onto his tummy and he's out. We then repeat the routine when he wakes up, usually around 10-11am, feed, play, sleep. Usually during that wake up time we run errands together and he still enjoys taking in the sights and smiling at people while we're out and about. He's great at playing in his carseat while we drive and he'll smile and coo. His next naptime is around 1pm maybe a bit earlier, and then we repeat again, feed, play, last nap of the day, feed, play, bath, feed, sleep.
Oh and he still has his baby blues!! I'm telling ya he has his grandpa's eyes and they're staying blue! Also, he continues to baby babble which sounds more like a sing-song to me, but I am starting to hear "d" and "g" sounds every once in awhile - looking forward to hearing "da-da" soon! He also likes being carried on my hip now and holds on - I've been waiting for this stage for a very long time and I love it!! Seriously, his baby hugs are the best... Love cuddling him and loving on him and smiling at him so he smiles back at me. Oh and he definitely knows his name now!
I'm sure I've forgotten some fun details, but all in all, this month was the best... really it just keeps getting better and better! He's so fun! He continues to make me smile and laugh, and I love him SO much!
We have his 6 month check up on Friday, so I won't have his 6 month height and weight stats until then, but rest assured, he is a healthy, growing boy looking more and more like a little man every day. He remains long and lean, although we started him on rice cereal once a day this past week, and I swear he's already chunking out from it as seen by his new chubby thighs that actually look a little rolly polly.
Highlights from his 5th month:
As I just mentioned, we recently started introducing Isaac to "solid" foods. We've been waiting until he turns 6 months old to really introduce solids because of his food sensitivities and intolerances to certain foods in my breastmilk and his family history with food allergies. However, he has been so curious and attentive while we eat, that we went ahead and tried it once a day, and it's going fabulously (minus the slight constipation). He's such a good eater! Very polite too, only trying to grab for the spoon on occasion. Otherwise he sits still, places his tiny hands on the tray, and opens up wide for the spoon - he's too cute, but I'm not sure how long his "polite" eating will last so I'll enjoy it now. I'm looking forward to giving him new foods to try this month and praying he won't react to any of them (which he shouldn't because they are the least likely to cause a reaction).
The most significant milestone this month for Isaac has been cutting his first teeth! As I've mentioned in prior posts, he's showed signs of teething for a couple of months now, and finally one morning as he was sucking on my fingers, I felt something sharp and checked! Sure enough, there was a little sliver of a tooth poking through, and two days later (January 14th to be exact), I could clearly see 2 little teeth! They are his bottom two central incisors and didn't seem to cause him any noticeable pain or discomfort.
Other than that he's gaining more and more awareness of his body and all the ways he can move around as he gains more control. He's really jumping around in his bouncer now, he is a champ at rolling from back to tummy both ways, likes playing on his tummy a lot, is doing amazing push ups, and has rolled from tummy to back a few times, but mostly on accident - he's still working on that skill. He also sleeps only on his stomach now - place him on his back and he just rolls to his tummy.
Unfortunately, his sleeping through the night has taken a little hit because he wakes up on his tummy frustrated he can't move, but he's still going to bed and waking up around the same time as last month - around 7:30-8pm bedtime, wake up between 7-8am. His napping during the day has been less predictable this month but his awake time his quite predictable at 2 hrs and then he's out. He generally takes a morning nap, an early afternoon nap, and a late afternoon/ evening nap now, but sometimes that changes and he has more naps that are shorter. He hasn't napped for 2 hrs straight since last month; most naps are an average of 45min-1 hr 20min. This month's struggle has been making it from his late afternoon nap/ early evening to bedtime - he's typically waking up at 4:30-4:45 which means he has to make it 3 hrs until bedtime, when he can only stay awake for 2 hrs, but he can't take a nap an hr before bed and we can't move bedtime up otherwise he's up at the crack of dawn and we can't push nap times back... so we're just taking it in stride and dealing with it as best we can (sometimes this month our best friend has been the baby Bjorn carrier which we had to break back out again).
So our typical schedule with 5 month old Isaac: wake up around 7am and feed him, then he'd relax and "digest" in his little reclined chair and then his swing while I showered and got ready for the day, then he'd play while I grabbed some quick breakfast, usually playtime is a rotation of his bouncer or rolling around on the floor, just this past week he finally started to appreciate playing in his Bumbo, then around the 1.5 hr mark he'd relax with me on the couch and suck his fingers, then 15 min before naptime we're in his room for a diaper change and "setting the stage" which includes drawing the curtains, playing his white noise, putting him down in his crib, and winding his mobile, he then falls asleep almost exactly 2 hrs after he woke up, no crying or anything, just rolls onto his tummy and he's out. We then repeat the routine when he wakes up, usually around 10-11am, feed, play, sleep. Usually during that wake up time we run errands together and he still enjoys taking in the sights and smiling at people while we're out and about. He's great at playing in his carseat while we drive and he'll smile and coo. His next naptime is around 1pm maybe a bit earlier, and then we repeat again, feed, play, last nap of the day, feed, play, bath, feed, sleep.
Oh and he still has his baby blues!! I'm telling ya he has his grandpa's eyes and they're staying blue! Also, he continues to baby babble which sounds more like a sing-song to me, but I am starting to hear "d" and "g" sounds every once in awhile - looking forward to hearing "da-da" soon! He also likes being carried on my hip now and holds on - I've been waiting for this stage for a very long time and I love it!! Seriously, his baby hugs are the best... Love cuddling him and loving on him and smiling at him so he smiles back at me. Oh and he definitely knows his name now!
I'm sure I've forgotten some fun details, but all in all, this month was the best... really it just keeps getting better and better! He's so fun! He continues to make me smile and laugh, and I love him SO much!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)