Surrender But Hope

Hi readers,

I come to you tonight with a short but important post. I'm currently 37.5 weeks (full term) and my due date is quickly approaching. The emotional roller coaster I've been riding this entire pregnancy is continuing, and possibly getting scarier if I were to be honest. We continue to have a lot of reason to hope for the best but there have been enough "things" scattered along the way that have allowed for seeds of doubt and some reason to wonder if we will again face a loss or an unhealthy baby.

I've come to a place where I have somewhat given God a rebellious attitude telling him I will not be okay, and I do not want him to choose another path for me that involves a child of mine being unhealthy and possibly dying. However, from the beginning I surrendered to God and accepted this as a possible reality, even as slight as it might be. Somewhere along the way, perhaps as I fell more deeply in love with my son, that the possibility of him having a disorder, whether fatal or not, and even though slight, became unbearably painful and gave birth to an excess of anxieties and fears.

I've battled with myself and with God more times than I can count, wanting God's will to be done and trusting his plan is greater and better than my own, but fearing his will is calling me to another traumatic event, another hardship, another sick child...

So here's where I am at tonight. Every time I battle with the above thoughts, I feel so distressed I can't begin to describe it. The only way for me to have peace is to once again come to the place of surrendering my hopes and dreams and my son to God and come to the place where I will accept his will, even if it includes those things I don't want, those things that make me cry to imagine, those things I fear...

I need prayer that I can come to a place where I can surrender and be at peace if God's plan is for another baby of ours to have a chromosomal disorder yet at the same time be hopeful that God can work miracles and that God's plan might match my dreams of our son being born completely healthy and perfect. And it's so hard because those are two very different things to prepare for and do at the same time...

As time draws nearer and nearer for me to meet my son and know once and for all if he is going to be healthy or not, I am becoming more and more vulnerable, more and more emotional, and becoming more and more susceptible to fears and worries and sorrow... I really need God to prepare my heart for whatever is in store because right now I am a broken mess.

Sometimes I feel bad asking so many people in so many ways for prayers, but sometimes I just don't know what else to do than pray and have others pray for me when I'm so exhausted myself.

~

On a side note, I was catching up on some blogs today that I follow and read this post by Angie Smith... Sometimes only the words of a mother who has experienced burying her baby can bring me comfort because there are some things that only "babylost" mothers understand about life... And so I read this post that she wrote and was very moved by it. I thought it was beautiful and I needed to share it. Please read.