Who I am & Where I am Without Her

(In this post I will answer two questions I have hated being asked since losing Hailey: "How are you?" "What do you do?")

I haven't written about Hailey in awhile, and you'll see that the beginning of this post isn't about her either... but hang in there with me.

The truth is I've been keeping quite busy with various things and my mind has been mostly on those things and less on her.

To some extent I feel alive again. For so long in my grief journey I've been struggling with the fact that today I'm not on the path that I had planned on being on a year ago. I'm not a mother and not a stay at home mom caring for her new baby girl. That struggle led to the struggle of who I am, what my purpose is, where my path is going. For so long I cringed at being asked the question, "What do you do for a living?" For so long I felt that I didn't have a worthy answer to give. Usually I reverted to the career path I chose in college that I pursued for two years after, teaching. I feel I will always be a teacher at heart, but currently I am not teaching. Teaching is not in my future for awhile. So to me, I am not a teacher either.

The struggle of defining myself by what I do and not being able to do either of the things I had planned for my life - being a mother and being a teacher - has been consuming me for quite some time. I want my life to have purpose. I want my life to fulfill God's purpose. Not knowing what that purpose is becomes frustrating as I struggle with trusting and being patient and being content with my lot.  And sometimes I forget that who I am is not answered by other than who I am in Christ.

I love these reminders of who I really am (I'm providing the links because the lists are just too long for this post!): My Identity in Christ and Who I am in Christ.

Lately I've felt more content. I've felt that my life has more of a purpose. I attribute that to God's provision of peace and contentment for my life and also to my discovering glimpses into what maybe God wants me to do for the time being. For now, that seems to be running Hailey's Hope and Blossoms of Blessings, and I really love them both. I love that something good is coming from Hailey's life. I love that somehow in someway I can help someone else. And finally, I love that I can say my life has an identifiable, clear purpose, and that helps make me feel alive.

Instead of feeling guilty about having extra time in my day, I take it as a gift from God and spend that time getting to know him better. Instead of feeling guilty about the freedom and flexibility of my daily routine, I cherish it. Instead of feeling guilty that I have time to engage in activities I enjoy like reading, blogging, or watching a movie, when I might not have been able to do those things teaching or with having a new baby, I again am trying to see this as a blessing and appreciate it.

My life is a good life. I don't have to toil away at a job over forty hours a week. I spend my time doing things I enjoy. I have a loving husband whom I love. We have the best dog in the world. We have family and friends who love us. We are healthy. We have many nice things. Instead of feeling guilty for all of that like I have since losing Hailey, I feel good about it.

While I feel good and can say my life is good, that doesn't mean it's perfect. I miss my baby everyday. I wish she were with us. I wish we could do things with her. I wish I could know her. I wish I could see her grow and change and delight in her. These are things that will forever remain wishes and longings unfulfilled. There will always be a loss. There will always be something missing. There will still be days that are beyond difficult. There will still be days where I feel guilty for something I didn't do, for something I did, for something I'm doing.

For instance, while I don't feel guilty anymore for many of those things that I mentioned above, I do feel some guilt for not thinking of Hailey as much these past couple of weeks as my schedule has grown busier. A part of me feels like I need to think about her every second of the day because if I don't I'm a terrible mother. I feel like I'm forgetting about her or ignoring her. It's like my mind becomes focused on my task instead of Hailey. But that's life I guess. It's impossible to think of her every second of every day when she's not here. But I hate it nonetheless. So I guess this is the new part of my journey as I'm learning to continue on with living my life without her and the new struggle becomes how to allow myself to be busy, feel happy, and live a life without her without feeling guilty like I'm a terrible mother because I don't spend as much time thinking about her.

The other night my husband, my dog, and I were all cuddled together on the couch watching a movie. In my mind and heart it was a perfect moment. I felt happy. I felt good. And then it hit. In those kinds of moments it's so close to being perfect, but I can't let myself feel like it is, and I almost get mad for feeling like it is because Hailey's not there...

I've been reflecting on how far I've come on my journey through losing Hailey. I've been stepping back and observing my life as a third party observer. Sometimes those days when Hailey was with us or where my grief was at its worst seem like a long long time ago. But in reality, it hasn't been that long. Some days I feel like a different person almost like a normal person not a grieving mother. But that's only some days... Because this journey takes me down through valleys and up through mountains and no two days are the same. I never know what tomorrow holds...

So long story short. I feel pretty good lately. But I still grieve over Hailey of course. And not only do I miss her, I miss thinking about her.