"Wait"

My heart was broad-sided again today. Going about my daily activities I was feeling really good. Even had some moments of feeling playfully giddy, which I haven't had in the longest time. My heart was pretty happy. And then suddenly, as I continued going about my activities, the grief hit. I was cleaning the house to the Christian worship station on our satellite. For some reason the songs weren't uplifting me, but making me face my sadness. Song after song just seemed.... well depressing. And then... then, of course, came the song "Heaven is the Face" by Steven Curtis Chapman, which of course is my personal anthem for losing Hailey, the song that Josh and I played non-stop for over two days immediately after losing her.  Of course, it's really hard for me not to be moved to tears every time I hear that song, but I wouldn't let myself cry. You see I was going to visit a friend today who is going through her own grief and loss, and I couldn't already be a tearful mess before I went. But it wasn't just this song, it wasn't just my thoughts of Hailey making me sad, my heart also breaks for this friend who has to suffer a loss and grieve. We're on own unique paths of loss, but we both arrive at the same destination, grief.  It just sucks.

So yes, today did a 180 degree turn on me, and my heart is sad, but that's okay... because I know God loves me and is with me and my friend and everyone else who is hurting out there, and although we are impatient beings, sometimes, yes, sometimes, God wants us to wait in the middle of the hurt with him. I never truly knew that about God and as of recently couldn't put those two things together - God loves me and God allows me to sit in the middle of my pain - I didn't understand that God could want me to wait in my pain, but maybe he does.... I'm learning more and more about God's character every day... He's a lot bigger than I thought. ;)

This poem came to my mind today. I first read it last week and love it. It speaks so much to my heart and, I imagine, to my friend's heart too. This is for anyone who is hurting and sitting in their pain wanting to know why God isn't rescuing them from it - may you find refuge in His arms:



"Wait" by Russell Kelfer


Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."


"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.


"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.


"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."


Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"


He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.


"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.


"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.


"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.


"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."