Today, my baby would have turned 7 months old... and I don't have much to say other than that I miss her terribly, and I'm still struggling with being content with my situation and overcoming the envious feelings I have towards other moms...I hope some day I can.
And so I thought the perfect topic for today's post, on Hailey's 7 month birthday, would be butterflies.
Yes, butterflies.
Did you know that every single time I see a butterfly I think of Hailey?
This is the story behind Hailey and the butterfly - it's not what you might expect.
When Hailey was born and with us, butterflies had nothing to do with her. She didn't wear any outfits with butterflies. There weren't any butterflies decorating her nursery. We didn't call her our little butterfly. Nothing. There was no connection between Hailey and butterflies while she was alive. The connection came after her death.
The day after Hailey passed away Josh and I had been driving for hours to reach our home in Illinois. Once we reached our home state we hit a significant snow storm, were going on no practically no sleep, and of course were grieving. Her memorial service was only a couple of days away, and we had so many arrangements and things to take care of - including finding clothing for us both to wear to her service. When we reached Woodfield, it was our only chance to stop to go shopping, and it was by far the most miserable shopping experience of my life. I was tired. My eyes and face must have been a dreadful sight since I had on no make up and had been crying for hours. And of course there's nothing like shopping under pressure, especially this kind. Whatever I found to wear was going to have to do whether I liked it or not. And who ever imagines having to shop for an outfit to wear to their own child's funeral? Not me that's for sure... But there I was.
Josh and I had split up in attempt to save time that was so quickly slipping away from us. In the store, after looking at countless black dresses and other black outfits and trying them all on, I became dizzy and more miserable than ever and did all that I could to keep myself from bursting into tears in the middle of the store. Thankfully I found a dress that fit that I actually liked. Josh had picked out a black suit and the man helping us suggested he wear a pink tie for Hailey. I thought it was a really nice, actually brilliant idea. Because of that, and the fact that I hated the idea of being covered in black head to toe since I wanted the memorial service to be more a celebration of her brief life, I decided to search for something with a touch of pink that I could wear for Hailey.
We were running out of time. I tried a pink scarf but it just didn't feel right. The quest of finding something pink completely took me over. I was obsessed with finding something and couldn't let it go. I told Josh this and how I absolutely needed something pink and was about to burst into tears for the millionth time, when we walked by a jewelry display on the way to the cashier. I immediately found a silver heart shaped pin with the word 'Mom' on it with several pink sparkling gems on it. My heart did a little flutter of happiness at my discovery. Then just as I was taking it to show Josh, he had found something else that, for some unknown reason, just seemed perfect. He showed me a necklace with matching earrings - pink gemstones in the shape of butterflies.
Here is a picture of the butterfly charm from the necklace that I added to my own necklace with my other charms.
The butterfly earrings and necklace were perfect. Not until weeks, maybe even months later, did I realize how perfect they were. In that moment, the connection was created; Hailey became my pink butterfly.
In April, when thinking about a logo for Hailey's Hope, a pink butterfly seemed to be the perfect symbol and began to show me just how perfect the butterfly is for a symbol of her... and a symbol of hope.
Butterflies are a creature that appears hopeless and dead in its cocoon but really it's undergoing a beautiful transformation to become a creature that is healthy, strong, reach it's full potential, and can take flight. For me the butterfly makes me think of Hailey's passing - in her life here on earth she was weak, she struggled, but when God called her home she became beautifully transformed into her Heavenly body were she now soars with Jesus. (So you could say the butterfly represents my Christian hope.)
So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body. (1 Corinthians 15:42-44)
And like the presence and sight of a butterfly flying always seems so brief... so was Hailey's presence with us.
The butterfly also symbolizes hope, generally speaking, as it comes from something that at first appears, like I already mentioned, dark, hopeless, weak, dead, etc. only to undergo a transformation (that involves struggle) to emerge out of that place into the light to have another chance at life, happiness, etc. While that can apply to so many situations in life, it makes me think of my grief, my life... there is hope. So now, every butterfly, especially a pink one, reminds me of Hailey and gives me hope.
Today I decided to do a little bit of searching online to read about what others think of butterflies and hope, and I came across this... Completely perfect today and puts into words the things I didn't know how to:
"Grief is certainly like this process [a caterpillar's transformation into a butterfly]. We feel ugly, we change, we hide, we sometimes spin a cocoon around ourselves, and we struggle. Like the butterfly, we need to free ourselves. It takes a long time. There is a difference, however; others may help us as we struggle. We need not do it all alone as the butterfly does; but the ultimate responsibility is ours. We have to grieve, hurt, cry, be angry, and struggle to free ourselves from the cocoon of grief. And one day we do emerge – a beautiful butterfly – a stronger person, a more compassionate person, a more understanding person."
by Eunice Brown
"The Butterfly"
(The butterfly is our symbol of Hope for the Bereaved)
A butterfly lights beside us
like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment
its glory and beauty
belong to our world
But then it flies on again
and though we wish
it could have stayed,
we feel so lucky
to have seen it”
Author Unknown
So every time I see a butterfly now, I think of Hailey, I think of myself, I think of hope... and it brings a little smile to my face.
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