Life is Fragile

Well emotionally this has been a whirlwind of a week and weekend filled with highs and lows, and I am reminded of my blog tagline about how the Lord gives and takes away.

This week the Lord gave life to three perfectly healthy babies. While I am extremely thankful that these babies were born healthy and that their mommas are doing wonderfully, it was one of those times when I felt like everyone around me is pregnant, is having a baby, or has a baby...and I don't.

Also, this week the Lord gave life to another baby whose birth did not go perfectly or as planned. The Lord gave but did so in such a fragile situation where some may have thought he might take away. It was really the first time I've ever known someone besides myself who has experienced complications with the birth of a baby. For so long I've felt alone, like everyone I've always known has always had and will have perfect pregnancies and perfect babies, except me. But now I don't feel alone, but I hate that someone else has to be on a similar path that I have walked. And when I learned about this baby I hate to say it, I felt almost comforted by the situation, almost relieved in some sort of terrible way like, "phew, I'm not the only one..." I feel so guilty and terrible for that... :( Here is what happened...

I learned that an old college friend had her baby very, very prematurely. The good news is that her and her baby, Lyla (isn't that such a beautiful name?), are doing well. Lyla weighs just over 1 pound and is underdeveloped but thankfully has no medical problems other than being tiny. She sounds like she's a fighter like Hailey and reading about her story reminds me so much of our experience with Hailey, an unexpected trip to the NICU, nasal cannulas, feeding tubes, time spent in a Ronald McDonald House, and so on. I sent my friend some words of encouragement and will be sending her a gift bag from Hailey's Hope tomorrow. Everything looks very hopeful for her baby, but the doctors want her in the NICU until her delivery date, which is in September, so I'm hoping the Hailey's Hope gift bag will bring them some comfort and encouragement and love during this stressful time.

And then later this week the Lord decided to take away. I learned that one of my friends who recently found out she was expecting experienced a miscarriage. My heart just dropped when I heard...

After learning about Lyla and then this loss, I really had to examine myself because I felt so much guilt. All of those times I talked about babies being everywhere and all around me and being so jealous and angry at woman who were pregnant and having their healthy babies all around me after I just lost mine.... well I just feel terrible for those thoughts and feelings even more now. While I felt and almost resented that I was the only one in my realm of friends and family that had to experience the fear that comes with having your first child in a NICU fighting for her life and the only one to experience the loss of a baby, here come the story of my two friends who are experiencing their own, but related, trials... and I feel so bad for any negative thought related to wishing I wasn't the only one.

My heart breaks for both friends, for the friend whose baby is doing well but still has months ahead in a NICU, and for the friend whose baby is in Heaven with Hailey now. Again, I am reminded that this life and this world are not all about me and how I make so much of this process in losing Hailey all about me. So I am re-examining my heart and shedding some of those negative emotions and thoughts that have been hanging around for too long. And once again, I am reminded at how precious all life is and to not take any life, new, old, for granted as I did before Hailey.

Strangely enough, since my break down, the days haven't been as difficult with missing Hailey or having too many sad thoughts about her. I'm doing okay with my grief for the moment. I think in some ways the events of this week continue to make me all the more appreciative of the time I spent with her in my womb and the time I spent with her in my arms. I could always say it wasn't enough time, but it was more time than many many others have with their precious babies.

So I am thinking of and praying for all of these friends tonight and where they all are in their individual journeys with their babies. And all I know is "God gives. God takes. God's name be ever blessed."