Carrying Burdens =A Heavy Heart

These days I have a heavy heart. Possibly heavier than ever before. Do you know the quote, “Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water"? Well it's true, and I let the flood gates open yesterday driving home from grocery shopping, sobbing until I couldn't sob anymore. Alone in my car, I felt it an emotionally safe place to do so. In looking back I probably shouldn't have done it driving because it could have been dangerous, but no worries, I was fine...

To start let me explain. I classify myself as a strong, independent woman in the way I handle my struggles and negative emotions. I don't like to cry in front of others and rarely do. I don't complain to others about my problems. I rarely talk about my true inner feelings and emotions to people. I can write about most of them sure no problem, but I don't find it comfortable hearing myself say them out loud for some reason. If there is a crisis, I am typically the one standing tall, not expressing emotion, thinking logically, thinking about everyone but myself, taking care of everyone else. I am the comforter, but I do not like to open myself up so that I can be comforted.

With my own problems and struggles, I tend to be independent in that I handle them by myself, with God of course, (and my husband - but he doesn't count with any of this because he's my other half). I don't go to others for help really. It's just not in my nature. I don't like people feeling sorry for me or worrying about me or thinking less of me because of my struggles. Whatever my problem or struggle, I often logically analyze it. I know what the problem is, I know how it should be fixed or handled in God's eyes, and then I follow through... but that's always the hard part. I often know what to do or what God would want me to do, so in my mind why should I ask anyone else for help. I'm not trying to say I know all of the answers or sound conceited, but most of the time I do know how I should be responding to a problem. I usually don't feel like I need help from people when it comes to asking questions, seeking advice, or just having them listen to me complain or vent.

But lately, I have come to realize the dangers that exist in this strong, independent role I feel led to play in my life.

Most of the time God gives me strength to make it through my day with a smile on my face, a genuine, God-given smile. But there are also many days where I don't feel happy or any sense of God-given joy, and I have to force myself to smile. Actually, I have become quite good at these forced smiles, the shallow answer of "Good" or "Okay" to "How are you?"  Really on the inside I'm anything but and barely holding it together. But you would never know.

Yesterday forced me to see this in myself.

You see, I had been having a rough few days. My latest struggle is with disappointment. You name an area of my life, and I can tell you why I'm disappointed. I feel disappointment in plans that never happened, in people who let me down, and, confession, in God's love, goodness, and plans. It's nothing new to see an earthly plan fail or have a person disappoint you, but I never thought God would disappoint me. (First let me just say that I know I should not be disappointed in the God of the Universe, my maker, but I am! I hate it, but I am!) Confession: I am disappointed that he didn't give me a healthy baby. I am disappointed that he let her die. I am disappointed that he let my dad die. I am disappointed that he made me grieve them at the same time. I am disappointed that he allows others to hurt me. I am disappointed in the life God has given me. I am disappointed that he isn't fixing all of my problems and that new ones keep coming my way. (Isn't that horrible??)

The logical part of me knows that my life is not a disappointment. It knows that God loves me and cares for me. It knows that God's plan for my life will be carried out and he will work it for his good. It knows Gods promises to not fail or forsake me. It knows all of this. But the problem lately is my mind knows but my heart doesn't. There's a disconnect. I tell my heart the things it needs to hear over and over again, but it's like I can't communicate with my heart. And it's beyond frustrating. Everything that I feel disappointed in, I have been carrying around as a burden. Everything that I feel disappointed in breaks my heart. And lately, the disappointment and burdens have been piling up and piling up and literally making my heart feel like it's being crushed under the weight of it all, making me feel like I'm suffocating.

So while I've been feeling all of the pressures of my burdens, my grief, my disappointment, I have been doing a good job of pretending on the outside that they're not there. I don't let anyone see this ugly part of me because I don't want to be a bad example, I don't want them to think that I think I'm right about how I feel, and I don't want them to think 'poor her.' So I fake the smile. I fake the, "I'm doing good."

But yesterday got the best of me, and I needed it. It almost felt like a kick in the butt from God, in a good way.

As I went about my day with my heavy, messed up heart, I became overly aware as to how many times people were asking me how I was doing in greeting. From people at the gym, yoga class, and the grocery store, I counted at least 5 different times when someone asked me how I was and I replied with, "I'm good thanks." Really I said it because that's what they wanted to hear, but in fact inside I was screaming, "I'm doing terrible actually. My baby died 6 months ago. I miss my family..." and so on. As I went about shopping for groceries, my mind sort of began writing this blog post. The fact is that some days I am simply not okay, but I am good at pretending I am. Yesterday, I was so mad that I was not okay but that I felt forced to tell everyone the opposite. I barely unloaded the groceries from my shopping cart without tears coming out. Once that door was shut, and I felt safely, hidden behind my sunglasses and tinted windows, I lost my facade, lost all control, and just sobbed.

In my sobbing mess, I realized I had been holding a lot inside, even more than I realized, I hadn't been giving myself permission to feel half of the emotions I knew I was feeling, and I realized that I had no outlet for these emotions. Usually I write and it's a great outlet for me, but most of what I was feeling I hadn't written about let alone talked about. And in playing my role as the strong girl I hadn't allowed myself to address what I was feeling because I thought a lot of it wrong. Strangely enough, breaking down under the pressures of my burdens, acknowledging that I am not perfect and it's okay to not have it all together sometimes as long as I don't let go of my faith I will be okay, and surrendering to the pain - even though that's the last thing I wanted to do - actually helped. For every tear I shed, my heart felt lighter.

Is my heart still heavy? Unfortunately, yes. So where does this all leave me?

Well as I was breaking down yesterday I would have told you alone or nowhere - that's the problem I've been having for awhile. I'm stuck in a pit of pain and disappointment, and I just don't see God giving me the way out. But now that I have broken down, gotten real with myself, and am getting real with God, I have a different answer. And ironically, in case I didn't learn it yesterday, God made sure it was clear today when I read it in my online devotional from Girlfriends in God (This is written by Mary Southerland):

We constantly need to check our emotional balance, guarding the emotional withdrawals we allow and diligently making consistent emotional deposits.  Prayer, solitude, Bible study, friendships, service, accountability and a guarded thought life are just a few of the deposits that can make the difference between emotional health and emotional bankruptcy.  Emotional imbalance occurs when we operate in our own strength, doing our "own thing" instead of wholly depending upon God and living in the parameters of His will.  When we abandon all that we are to His strength, purpose and power, the Father deposits everything we need to accomplish every good work He created us to do.

So I am in the middle of learning exactly what my devotional says. While I thought keeping all of my disappointments and negative emotions inside was a good thing because I took it as me guarding my thought life, it wasn't all that, and I was forgetting to make those other emotional deposits I needed and was trying to operate in my own strength.

And, in all honesty, I am in the midst of struggling with feeling disappointed in God because those are definitely not good thoughts to have. I realized that I've actually been kind of avoiding God lately. And yesterday made me realize why. It wasn't just that I was disappointed in God so I didn't want to go to him. It's more that I have been feeling the need to carry my own burdens. I know I am supposed to share them with others, but I haven't always been doing that. I know that my relationship with God allows me to lay my burdens at the cross, leave them at the foot of Jesus. But I definitely haven't been doing that. My problem is that in my mind, how can I lay my burdens down and give them over to God when I feel like all of these disappointments and burdens are from my God who is allowing them to happen to me. In a sense, I feel like he is giving them to me; therefore, I feel like I have no choice but to carry them, and this is wrong of me to think, I know, but getting my heart to release them is another thing.

So I need to share my burdens with others more because God commands me to:

"Carry each other's burdens." Galatians 6:2

And I need to let Jesus carry my burdens because He also commands me to:

"Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." Psalm 55:22

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30

God knows my heart, knows my pains, and will rescue me out of the pit of mud that I feel I'm stuck in... someday...

"Rescue me from the mud; don't let me sink any deeper!" Psalm 69:14

In closing, no my pain isn't gone, but I have to say that I feel ten times better than I did two days ago, and my heart feels lighter. Releasing my tears, listening to God about how I've been carrying my burdens and that I need to release them to Him and others, and writing this post have made all the difference. So I'm clinging to God and His promises as though they are my rope to climb out out of my pit.