My friend's baby hugged me the other day. Well he isn't really a baby anymore, he's over a year old, and it wasn't the first time (he gave me lots of hugs when I babysat him a couple of weeks ago). I have to say he is one of the few little ones I have been able to be around and not want to cry. His baby hugs actually feel wonderful and almost comfort the mother inside of me since I can't hug my own baby.
It feels so good to get baby hugs. But it does make me sad as it reminds me that I will never feel Hailey's hugs. It makes me wonder what her hugs would have been like, what it would feel like to watch my daughter's wobbly legs 'run' towards me with her arms stretched out wide to reach my legs and then squeeze me tight with her little chubby arms.<sigh>
Last night I dreamed of "baby" hugs. A little girl, maybe four or five years old, with long brown hair ran into my lap, wrapped her arms around my neck, nestled her head against my neck, and gave me a great big hug. Her hug felt so warm and perfect, like it was the missing piece to my heart. But I didn't know who this girl was in my dream. I couldn't see her face. (If you've seen Inception it was similar to how Cobb saw his children in his memories; he couldn't see their faces.)
There was a vague sense that my brother, sister-in-law, and my nephew (who's over a year and a half old) were there in my dream and that this girl might have been their daughter, my nephew's older sister, but in real life, my brother doesn't have another child. So I don't know who she was, but I loved her, and I loved her hug. I wish my dream would have made her Hailey...
I think it's clear that the mother in me is still there and will forever be there- the noun, not the verb. I am a mother, but I cannot mother - and combining those two ideas is difficult. I long for my daughter and for her touch. I long to give her love and to receive her love. I long for the day when we will finally run into each other's arms and hug. For now, I'll have to live off of dreams of her baby hugs.
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