I don't cry...

Oh, I am very weary,
Though tears no longer flow;
My eyes are tired of weeping,
My heart is sick of woe.
Anne Bronte

I have never been one to cry openly. If tragedy hits, of course I feel the urge to cry, my throat tightens as I hold back the tears, but I don't cry in front of others. I allow others to break down into tears as I stand strong, trying to be a source of comfort and a voice of wisdom. I push back my emotions and take care of the situation at hand. Later, when I'm alone, I allow the tears to flow freely. For as long as I can remember I've been this way. It's not so much a conscientious effort, it just seems to be a part of who I am.

With Hailey and my dad, the ultimate tragedies in my life, I surprised myself by behaving as I always have in the midst of a crisis. Ask anyone who was with me during those times, and they will affirm this. It's not that I didn't cry or didn't want to cry, because I did. I jus did so in private.

With Hailey people were always around us, so we rarely had moments alone. In the hospital with her, I would seek refuge in the bathroom and sob until I had nothing left in me. At home with Hailey, again I would seek to be alone when I cried, usually doing so in the shower or in bed late at night.

Other than the moment shared between my husband, my mother-in-law, and myself immediately after receiving the devastating news that Hailey was going to die, my husband is the only one I allow myself to completely break down in front of.

The day my dad passed away I was flying home to be with him. My mother-in-law was driving me home and my brother called me with the news that my dad had passed while I was in the air. While in my mind any normal person would have probably broken down or started crying upon hearing that their father died, I didn't. Sure I wanted to, but I didn't. I saved it for when I was alone.

I've always been this way. Again, it doesn't mean I don't feel, but I've just always been one to feel, suppress in front of others, and express later in private.

If I'm alone watching a sad movie, I will cry. If there's another person with me watching the same movie, and I want to cry, I don't. The sorrow and the tears are always there, I just control them.

But it's not that way for me anymore. This is particularly true when it comes to other people losing their children. I sympathize, I empathize, but rarely do I shed tears anymore.

When I was pregnant with Hailey, the pastor of our church shared a story of how he was asked to do the funeral for a baby. I remember him talking about how extremely difficult it was for him seeing the tiny casket, and I remember him indicating the size with his arms. I wanted to start crying right then and there, Josh put his arm around me and gave me a squeeze, like don't worry, it's not going to happen to us. I couldn't imagine the sorrows of those parents' loss...as I sat there pregnant...not knowing it would soon be me, my baby in the tiny casket. I think I cried in the car on the way home.

Today, almost 9 months since Hailey passed away, if I were to see or hear the same story, I don't know if I'd cry or feel like I was going to. The stories and sights of miscarriages, still births, infant deaths, tiny caskets, tiny gravestones, etc. don't have the same effect on me now that I've experienced it myself with Hailey.

When someone first sees an infant casket, it's shocking, it's devastating. I don't feel that shock or that devastation that makes me want to cry anymore. I still feel sorrow, and like I said, my heart goes out to the families, and I sympathize and empahize. It's just that the tears don't come.

Perhaps it's because I've been there and experienced the tragedy and grief firsthand. Perhaps it's because it's become so commonplace in my life now, and I'm desensitized. I don't know why it is or care to know why it is, it just is. I went from never crying in public and only in private, to not even having the desire to cry. I feel a little numb towards it all or like I've hit a dry season with my tears. It's not to say I don't cry anymore, I do, especially when it comes to Hailey. I just cry less, and I don't cry over the losses of others as much. (I hope that doesn't make me sound cold-hearted.)

And I'm sure after I post this, my dry season will be over, and I'll find myself crying all the time because things just seem to work out like that sometimes...