10 Months... Dear Hailey...

Another 1st of the month means another monthly anniversary of Hailey's birth. She would have turned 10 months old today, and as I say every month, I can hardly believe that much time has passed.

Today is what I call a good day for my grief as I find many more reasons to rejoice than to mourn. It's another day my heart overflows with feelings of love, joy, and gratitude for my daughter's life. Another day where I feel so thankful God placed her in my life, gave her to me, and I'm so thankful for what I've learned because of her. Another day where I can think of her with a smile. Another day where I'm proud to be her momma.  A day where I feel at peace with her death and where I am... as strange as that is to say.

All I know today is that even though she was terminally ill and passed away, I am thankful for her life. I am proud to be her mom and call her my daughter. And I want to shout to the world how much I love her. I wish I could speak the words to her ears and show her with an embrace one more time, but I can't. So for now, I show my love for her by speaking her name, talking about her, wearing her footprint around my neck, and giving my heart to Hailey's Hope and helping others. And in my prayers, I ask Jesus to let her know for me until I return to her and can do it myself in Heaven.

In thinking these things, I thought I'd write them to her today:

Dear Hailey Marie,

Ten months ago today, we met for the first time, but we knew each other long before.

You weren't what I expected, and I'm sorry for any pain you went through.

Nothing went as I had planned, but God, he knew.


Even so I hope you know I would have given anything to trade places with you.

While you were here I pray we brought you comfort and that you felt our love.

Sometimes I feel I could have done a better job loving you and for that I'm deeply sorry.


I wish I could have loved you more, held you more, kissed you more, and poured my praises over you more.


I pray that you would forgive me for the times I failed you.

Please know, every moment we spent together I cherished,

and I'm sorry for the moments we spent apart, that I didn't hold you every second of every day.

The Lord knows how much I loved you, and I pray you do too.

I loved holding you tight in my arms, feeling the weight of your body, rocking you back and forth.

I loved breathing you in as I touched my face to yours.

I miss those moments most.


If I had to pick my favorite memory with you,

it'd be our time alone late at night, just me and you.

I'd hold you in my arms as we rocked back and forth in our chair.

I'd sing to you and talk to you, as we searched each other's eyes.

My love often came out in tears, the unique mixture of joy and sorrow overflowing.

I hope you know why I cried and why sometimes I still do.

The tears didn't mean I didn't love you, didn't want you, weren't happy with you, or anything of the sort.

I was sad for what you went through and that you were going to leave me for a better place.

Sad we weren't going to be able to spend more time together on this Earth.

Sad because I didn't want to let you go, because I didn't know who I'd be without you,

and because I didn't know how I would just be here without you.


Until we're reunited again, I do my best to show you and the world how much I love you.

I dream of the moments we'll spend together some day.

I see a butterfly, and I dream of chasing them with you in a field of tall, green grass,

and I imagine you giggling in delight.


I see a flower, marvel in its beauty, and think of you.

I dream of the day we'll wander through God's garden and I can pick a flower to give to you.

On days where I walk outside and look up at the enormity of the sky,

I dream of the time where we can lie down on our backs against the ground,

and look up together, making pictures of the clouds.

I can't wait to take your hand in mine and dance around together as we worship Him.

I love my memories and my dreams of you,


and until the day my dreams come true please know,

I'm so proud to be your mom, and I thank God for you.


I love you more than words can express and miss you just the same.

Love forever and always,

Your momma