Through my looking glass...

This weekend I reached what I think of as a milestone in my healing.

One of the greatest sources of grief for me has been being around pregnant women and women with their babies. The reason being that my grief has made me use them as a looking glass. I compare myself to them. I look into the looking glass grief has given me...

They are a mirror, and I stand in front of it viewing my life and theirs.

I look in the mirror and see everything I want but don't have.

I look at them, jealous and envious of their innocence, naivete, and joy as they prepare to or welcome their baby into the world, and I see myself lacking all of that, broken, tarnished.

I look at them, jealous and envious of their babies, chubby, healthy, and perfect, and I see Hailey, thin, sick, with a nasal cannula.

I look at them, jealous and envious of the worries, stresses, and sorrows they don't have and can't imagine, and I see my pain and grief that have been etched into my soul like scars.

I look at them and see what could have been me and Hailey, but isn't. We are the opposite of what they are.

If they are blessed, does that make me cursed? Of course not... but I think it...

What they have is what my void is, which is why being around them or seeing them or hearing about them has been known to trigger my deep pain and sorrow.

Someone recently asked me to explain more about why certain women and babies trigger this in me while others don't. I've tried to understand it myself, and this is what I've learned...

When I first had and lost Hailey, it was any mother-to-be or any mother and her baby (from newborn to a year old) - whether I knew them personally, knew them as an acquaintance, or as a complete stranger in a store - that made the pain worse. Then within a little time,  strangers' babies didn't hurt so much, and the real source of pain came from any mother-to-be or new mother with babies (from new born to around a year old) who were a part of my life in some way or another. Gradually over time the moms with older babies and women who were just learning of being pregnant became easier to be around. But still, any woman I've known who has given birth since Hailey died has been difficult for me to be around, her and her baby. Then it became easier to be around the ones who had boys and not girls. New baby girls have been the hardest. Why the difficulties, why the progression? It goes back to what I wrote above. It's my comparing. The haunting questions of "Why?" - why did God give them a healthy baby and why did mine have to die?

Until this week...

This milestone of mine happened when my husband and I went to dinner at our friends' house. They had a baby girl in August. And because of my grief and everything I've just mentioned, I've avoided them. (It's been nothing personal to these friends, and it's never been anything personal towards any of the women and babies). But thanks to our friends' initiative, it was time for us to get together as friends again, and it was time for me to face what I'd been avoiding.

I'm thankful I took this step, which did require some faith and courage. I'm thankful that none of my fears came true and that for the first time in a very long time I was able to be around a new baby girl and a new mom without feeling the ache of holding back tears, without sorrow, without jealousy, without anything negative plaguing me.  Of course I thought of Hailey, of course I missed Hailey - but it's that way every day, and it's that kind of grief I can handle. I was able to genuinely smile and be happy when I saw them. I was okay for the first time with what they have and with what I have; there's no more comparing.

This week I proved to myself that I am healing and coming to a better, healthier place in my life with my grief. Nothing other than time, prayer, and God can be attributed to this milestone I've reached. For me, it's taken over 8 months to reach this point of healing, and I'm so thankful it's finally come. I'm happy to have conquered my jealousy and envy that were eating away at me; it feels soooo good and freeing as another burden I've carried has been released. I'm happy to not let my fears and grief stand in the way of good things anymore, like friendship.

It's my hope that the mirrors I've created to view myself in light of the haves and have nots with others have been shattered and no longer exist to hold me captive and distort how I see myself.