Eight months ago today, Hailey met Jesus.
Today, as I do every day, I celebrate her being healed and made perfect in Heaven. I celebrate her being surrounded by the love of God and feeling a joy that is unfathomable to me now. Knowing she is safe, happy, loved, and perfect with Jesus brings me peace and joy in return. Today, I try to imagine what Heaven's like and what she's doing there...
While there's something to celebrate today, there is something to mourn for as well of course. The other side is that eight months ago today, our daughter died, and we have to figure out how to live without her here. The living without her part is the hard part.
Days like today I pray for God to give me the right mixture of joy and sorrow in the truths above. Thankfully today, on the 8 month anniversary of her passing, the Lord has blessed me with a 'good' day. A day of positive remembering, a day of feeling loved as I replay some of the happy memories in my head, a day with feelings of a full heart... as full as a broken heart can feel. (I walked by a new baby being held in her dad's arms this weekend and the baby's eyes reminded me of Hailey's. Instead of being sad, I smiled. I've been focusing on remembering one of my favorite things about Hailey - her big, beautiful, round, eyes that were so full of wonder and love. These memories hug my heart.)
Today is one of the days where I am very aware of God's healing in my life, and I am so thankful for that. The past month or so has been filled with a lot of the pain that comes from an injury after a tragic event. The pain has been sharp and shooting through my heart. It's been dull and numbing on my mind. It's been almost unbearable at times. But like injuries do, they can heal, and I continue to experience that healing.
I know I've mentioned this a couple of times in my recent posts, but Hailey's Hope is probably one of the best things that has happened to me since Hailey passed away. It is such a huge blessing. It allows me to keep my daughter's memory alive. It allows me to fulfill some roles of being a mom that I thought would be impossible for me. Hailey's Hope gives me a way to talk about her and gives me something about her to talk about.
Another mom who has a project with Project Sweet Peas said something during an interview with a local news station explaining why we do what we do. When we put a bag together to donate to a family with a baby in an intensive care unit, it's like I'm taking care of her in a way... like I'm brushing her hair or giving her a bath, it's everything I don't get to do. I love her explanation because she is so right.
I grieve because I can't take care of her, I can't see her grown, I can't teach her to walk or say her ABC's, I can't do anything for my daughter that a 'normal' mom can do with her child. But lately I am realizing more and more that I am still a mom, and I can still be a mom to Hailey even though she isn't here. I can tell the world about her, and I can take care of others in honor of her.
Baby girl, I can't wait until the day I will go to you (2 Sam. 12:23) and you take me by the hand and lead me to Jesus and we both run into His arms ("Heaven is the Face"). With love that reaches to the Heavens (Ps. 36:5), Mom
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