Living with a Purpose

(This post is a follow up to several others I've written over the past 8 months. You can find some of them here or  here if you want to read more, even though this post in itself is a lot of reading!)

I have had many conversations with God about my life since losing Hailey. Most involving me desperately trying to figure out God's purpose for me since my two previous purposes and dreams for my life (teaching and being a stay-at-home mom) temporarily died when Hailey did.

Where does my life go from here? What does God want me to do with my life? How can I still use my life, my time, my skills, etc. to serve him? What's his purpose for my life now?

One of the reasons I joined Project Sweet Peas and started Hailey's Hope was because I felt God calling me to fill in the void in my life this way. Some days the things I do for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas keep me busy from the moment I wake up until late into the night, and it feels like a full time job. Other days, like I mentioned, there isn't anything I can do. Things are going very slow, and I feel like I need to be doing more than being a housewife. I know I have a nice life, I know I'm needed as a housewife, but my life hasn't felt like 'enough' since I stopped teaching and lost Hailey.

I'm pretty sure this has been a source of frustration for my husband because he can't understand why I have felt the discontentment over my life the way I have and why I've dwelt on it. I mean let's be real, my daily life is very nice and even cushy. I'm able to do a lot of activities I enjoy and a lot of the time my life feels like an extended summer vacation. And I know that because of my husband's demanding job and schedule, he truly needs me as his wife to be at home so I can take care of him, take care of Opie, and take care of and run our household. So why am I feeling discontent when I'm being able to serve my husband and our home and able to do things I enjoy? I needed something more and got that from Hailey's Hope, so why am I still discontent? He hasn't understood it, and I don't blame him because even I haven't always understood it.

I know I am on this earth to serve God and share his love with others. My struggle has been with how I can do this, how I can live with his purpose, fulfill his purpose, and so on.

There are days where I am completely aware God is working through me as I serve my husband as a housewife or as I work to serve strangers who are experiencing difficulties I have experienced. On these days I feel the epitome of what it means to feel full, satisfied, content. Why? Because I am aware of how I'm serving God, I'm aware he's using my time, skills, desires, and so on to serve his kingdom.

You see, it's those 'other' days that get me. The days where I don't have any errands to run, no appointments to be at, nothing to clean or cook, where everything is checked off on my 'housewife' to-do list and where I have nothing more I can do for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas other than to sit back, wait, and trust. Sure I still fill my time with taking care of myself, working out, and so on, but I feel almost...useless on those days. I feel like I'm not serving God to my potential. 'That's' my source of discontentment.

Lately I've really wanted to feel like God was giving me one clear purpose for my life. I wanted a God-sized dream for my life, and I wanted to begin to fulfill it. In my narrow mind it was being a teacher or a mom, one of those two things, nothing else. So what could I do when I felt like my dreams were taken away for the time being? I, of course, fought with God about it. Being a housewife isn't enough God, being the project leader of Hailey's Hope isn't enough God, being involved with Project Sweet Peas or Officer's Christian Fellowship or anything else isn't enough God.  My life is being poured out into too many areas, I can't possibly be serving you enough or in the way you want God.

Thankfully, God is always patient with me even as I try to wrestle with him, and God has been doing some slow expanding and growing in my life, my perspective, my heart, my desires, my dreams.

He has been asking me to serve him through being a housewife and giving my time to Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas, and I've been doing those things without having a servant's heart, without a godly perspective. I see my need and appreciate my role as housewife much more now as I see it through God's eyes. I see my work through Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas as much more important than I've ever realized before. While it's been important to me than anyone can ever know since the day I decided to start Hailey's Hope, I've let myself belittle it in some respects, like it's no big deal, no one cares, no one else sees the importance, etc. But more and more I'm seeing how important it is, both for others and myself, because I'm seeing it through God's eyes.

Recently it's been made clearer and clearer to me how God is calling me to be a mom. He's been showing me over and over again that I can still be a mom to Hailey even though she isn't here. I'm realizing that Hailey can still have an impact on this world, and it's through me. I'm seeing that my role as Hailey's mom is to share about her life, make her life known, and do something on her behalf. Like I've mentioned before (thanks to the words of someone else), I can't bathe, feed, teach, or raise my daughter, but I can share her story, I can give a bag full of items to a stranger going through an incredibly hard and draining situation in hopes that it will ease some of their pain, their stress, and so on.

As time goes on, my heart is growing and growing with a desire to help others who are in situations that I have found myself in with Hailey, and I will take advantage of any opportunities that will allow me to do this. Whether it's through Hailey's Hope and donating bags or through sharing my story on a grief website or releasing balloons in memory of babies other families have lost or something else. I'm ready, and I'm willing, more so than before.

And last but not least, because I will still find myself every now and then with days where I have a lot of free time and feeling like I could be doing more with my life, I did make the difficult decision (yes, I said difficult) to become a substitute teacher here in town at the junior highs and high school. So right as this school year started, I began applying to become a substitute teacher. I thought it was a good choice for me. It would get me back in the schools and enable me to help kids. It would be part-time, flexible, nothing permanent. Plus I would be making a little extra money on the side for us to put in our savings.

But I have to tell you I was hesitant to do it, it was somewhat difficult for me, and it took some courage. My big realization this week has been that I was not emotionally and/or mentally ready to get back out there in this way before now. It takes a lot of mental energy and emotional strength to work, to teach, to sub, much more than normal because of my grief. I have to be prepared to meet new people, be prepared to tell them about Hailey and my situation if it arises, be prepared for what the students throw at me (literally and figuratively), be on my toes (not being distracted by my grief or other issues), be prepared for schedule changes, and so on. While I know so many people out there wonder why I didn't go find a job or start subbing sooner and their questioning made me question myself and feel guilty, the wait was right. Waiting to do this, waiting to sub, was the right thing to do. I am at a place of healing where I can do it again, and for me, it's taken me 8 months.

Anyway,the fact that there were several hoops I had to jump through to start subbing here didn't help my hesitations. I had a list of 8-10 things I had to do before I could turn in my paperwork to the district office, including paying $55 for fingerprinting and $35 for my substitute teaching certificate. (I have to say I was not thrilled to be paying almost $100 to apply to become a substitute teacher for the next 3 months when I learned that I would be making a maximum of $65 a day for subbing). It took me about a week to complete everything, but I did it. Once I turned it all in, I learned it was going to be another 2-6 weeks before I actually received my certificate from the state and could actually be put on the subbing list. Becoming a substitute teacher was a lot more complicated and a lot more work than I had anticipated.

Well yesterday I received a call from the district letting me know that my certificate came in, and I could begin subbing. But, again, there was more to it. I couldn't get on the subbing list until October 1st because they update it once a month. So if I wanted to get put on right away, I had to go talk to each of the schools individually and get added to their lists temporarily. If that wasn't enough, I have to pass out my resume at one of the schools because the teachers call in their own subs and won't call you if they don't know you. And to top it off, I can't get on the high school's subbing list until I've gone through their orientation, and they don't know when the next one will be.

Yesterday I decided to be proactive and get as much done as soon as I could. I went around to all the schools and got added to the subbing and orientation lists. Stepping back into the schools, learning their layouts, their rules and policies, their administration/staff, and everything else was pretty surreal. It brought me back to a few years ago when I was applying for different teaching positions, putting myself out there, interviewing, and then learning about my first teaching position. Being back in the 'real world' reminded me of how hard it is to be out there! I felt a mixture of excitement about being back in the schools and some doubt and hesitation, as I already mentioned, (and dare I even say, fear) over whether this was the right thing for me to do, whether I'm ready for what I'm getting myself into, etc. But getting out there and doing all of this has brought back my confidence and feeling like I can still do this.

So right now, everything is feeling 'right' and perhaps I'm overcoming this struggle that has come with my grief. It hasn't just been the decision to start subbing that has changed this; it's also in part due to my evolving perspective on my role as a housewife and Hailey's mom. I am grateful for and looking forward to how my time is going to be spent being a housewife, being involved in Officers' Christian Fellowship and other groups, working on things for Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas, and now subbing every now and then. I feel like (and continue to pray that) my desires, my talents, my time, and serving God with my life are all working out together.

This is what he's given me, and I will give him all I've got.

**1 Peter 4:10**