She would have been 9 months old

Today Hailey would have turned 9 months old. I feel like I say this every month, but I can hardly believe it because she will forever remain 36 days old.

It's so hard to imagine her older, as a 9 month old. Sometimes I end up browsing through pictures of other people's babies who are around her 'age' and try to picture her... But I can't.

I can hardly imagine having a 9 month old if she were still alive. It's almost somewhat shocking for me to think that I would have been a mom of a 9 month old. I guess it's because I've spent the last 8 months without her, and I've only ever known her as a newborn to a month and a week old.

Part of me fears her 1st birthday and every birthday after that. Some day I won't be saying she turned so many months old, I will be saying she would have turned 16 years old ...and it's so strange to me...

But I continue to find comfort in knowing God created her and knew her number of days. He always knew she would only be 36 days old. She was never supposed to live more than 36 days, and I continue to trust in God's plans that surpass our understanding. (Psalm 139:16, Eph. 3:19, Phil. 4:7).

And while I've been struggling lately to understand and wrestling with God over how other couples are "blessed" with healthy babies and we were "blessed" with a sick baby, I'm reminded that Hailey's life was actually a miracle. She was a miracle. I do believe creation and all babies are a miracle of God's, but I think Hailey's life was a special miracle of God's. Everything about her, since she had Trisomy 18, scientifically and medically speaking said she shouldn't have survived or lived. Her genetic disorder after all classifies her as being "incompatible with life." It was a miracle she survived birth, and every day she lived was a miracle. Because everything said she shouldn't have lived. Every cell in her body told her she shouldn't live, and she did. For 36 days. No she didn't conquer death or continue growing as a "normal" child, but her life remains miraculous.

Surprisingly, given my state over the past few weeks, today has been the best day I've had in a long time, and I am so thankful to be able to be full of joy and warmth on Hailey's birthday. It makes me able to appreciate her and celebrate her. I much prefer remembering her with a genuine smile and a warm heart instead of tears and feelings of grief and loneliness and brokenness (although I do recognize there is a time for those moments).

My joy today comes first and foremost from God - his love, his promises, and his power. As I've been praying my "life verse" over and over again lately- Romans 15:13 - that my God of hope will fill me with all joy and peace as I trust in him, so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit - I feel him answering my prayers and giving me that joy, peace, and hope today that I so desperately need.

My joy also comes from His blessings, which today have come in many forms. God has blessed me with an absolutely gorgeous day here in lower Alabama. The skies are that beautiful, bright Alabama blue, the sun is shining, a refreshing breeze is blowing, and the humidity is gone. Today Opie and I made the most of it, and this morning we started our day with our first walk since the summer heat hit. It felt wonderful!

And my joy comes through the blessings of Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. Our goal through Hailey's Hope is to bless others, but Hailey's Hope & PSP have really become blessings to me as well. Over the past few days I've received a few encouraging messages about potential donations and have received a few donations in the mail. Feeling the love and support of others with Hailey's Hope brings me so much comfort. It makes me know that people still care about us, about Hailey, and about what we're doing in memory of her. (I hope to write another post before the weekend giving an update about Hailey's Hope so keep a look out for that.)

Today I just ask if you're reading this that you would say a prayer for Josh and I - you can use my favorite verse above if you're wondering what to pray. Even though more and more time has passed since losing Hailey and our lives go forward, we still hurt, still need healing daily, and still need God's help through it all.  Or if you're not the praying type, maybe you could share Hailey's story or share about Hailey's Hope to keep her memory alive since she's not with us on her 9 month birthday. Thank you. :)