Thanksgiving, With Her and Without

"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever." Psalm 30:11-12

Tonight as I sit here and write, my house is clean, truly clean, for the first time in a least a month. My dining room table is set, festively decorated for Thanksgiving tomorrow. The turkey is thawing and food is prepped. Everything is ready and waiting for me to wake up early and begin a day of cooking, feasting, and enjoying fellowship with friends as we host some of our Army family at our home for a day of football and food. I have been not only craving turkey and the other traditional Thanksgiving dishes for weeks now, but I've even been craving the smell of the turkey roasting in the oven. I mean really craving it all.

Truly, I have been actually looking forward to Thanksgiving, which surprises me. First of all, unlike many out there celebrating tomorrow, we are unable to spend the day with our families; while some might see that as a little blessing, I actually miss not being able to see our loved ones. Secondly, it's a hard day because Hailey's not here. Every normal day without her is hard enough. But 'special' days and 'holidays' are always a little extra harder. Not to mention that not only is Hailey not here, but my dad isn't here either...

So while other women who became moms this past year are most likely looking forward to celebrating their babies' first Thanksgiving tomorrow, I want to do the same, but I can't. I have no chubby baby to hold tomorrow. Hailey will not be oohed and ahhed over tomorrow or covered in kisses by family, like I had imagined for her first Thanksgiving.

But thankfully, I've been trying to focus more on what I have than what I have not. Therefore, instead of dwelling on the fact that this should be Hailey's first Thanksgiving with us, I'm choosing to actively focus on remembering what I have and that is a few treasured memories of her and this picture.

I love this picture. Obviously Hailey will be celebrating with Jesus in Heaven, but to me, this is her here with me. Her memory is here with me in her name written on a beautiful autumn leaf. The picture is also a remainder to me that other people care about her life and recognize her absence from this world. (Thank you so much to one of my Project Sweet Peas' friends for writing Hailey's name on a leaf and taking a picture of it. I am truly treasuring it this holiday. I look at it and smile every single time.)

But trust me, I'm not just this optimistic, positive person. There is a strong part of me that continually pulls me towards sadness because Hailey is not here...feeling alone, being jealous of others who are celebrating with their families and babies, wondering why me, and all those other thoughts that lead to a dangerous downward spiral. However, there is another part of me that prays and trusts that God will overcome and provide me with comfort, peace, and even joy tomorrow when I'm being pulled the other way.

Plus, the way I like to think about it, I did have a Thanksgiving with Hailey... she was just in my belly still. So tonight, one of the ways I'm going to combat the negative emotions and thoughts gnawing at me, is to remember last Thanksgiving, her first and only...

Last Thanksgiving, I was eagerly awaiting Hailey's arrival. Originally we had been given a due date in early November, and then the doctors changed it to the beginning of December. Therefore, on Thanksgiving I was ready for her to come at any time. My mother-in-law had just arrived to be with us for Hailey's birth and help us at home with her. My hospital bags were all packed and ready. We had gone to a doctor's visit where my blood pressure was bordering on too high for comfort. They didn't diagnose me with pre-eclampsia, but to be safe, they did want me to be resting more and taking it easy, practically on bed rest.

I remember it not really feeling like Thanksgiving because we weren't back home doing the normal holiday meals and traditions with family and also because of the warm Alabama temperatures that we were not used to being from the Chicago area and all...

But on Thanksgiving day we did get out of the house and enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving meal at the home of a fellow Army couple. The food was delicious, and we had a nice time, but I remember being somewhat disappointed that I couldn't eat as much food as I wanted because there simply was no room in my belly - I was already bursting at the seams!

I don't remember many other details of the day specifically, but I definitely remember the general time frame and days leading up to Hailey's birth. We had so much to be thankful for and so much we were looking forward to...

One year later, on the eve of Thanksgiving, I have a lot of things I could be angry and sad about and not thankful for at all... but instead, I choose to give thanks to God, especially for giving us Hailey. I may not understand or know why she had to go so soon, but I'm thankful for her life nonetheless. Next to Hailey, as I mentioned not too long ago, this year I am most thankful for who God is and for his unfailing promises. I am thankful for him to have carried me and healed me as much as he has so that I can have a positive outlook and be actively fighting the battles of bitterness and depression and the other things that accompany the loss of a child. He is truly my source of strength, comfort, peace, joy, and hope. Without him I have nothing. And of course, I am thankful for my family, which includes my husband, my puppy, our actual families, and my friends, especially the Army ones who come and go but are always family.

May you all have a blessed Thanksgiving filled with the love and hope that only God can give.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever." Psalm 107:1

(And if you think of it, could you still keep me and Josh in your prayers this Thanksgiving, even if it looks like we're doing fine, we need them).