Eleven months ago today Hailey left this earth to join Jesus and his angels in heaven...
Thankfully, on this anniversary, in the month in the midst of her birthday and Christmas, my grief is 'okay.' While my journey of mourning has given me highs and lows and unexpected twists and turns, today I feel like perhaps it's leveling off... It's not so much of a crazy roller coaster ride anymore, but more like a the consistent, slow chug of a train... I'm just chugging along, and the days aren't particularly 'easy' or 'hard.' I've grown used to my grief and her void. And for the moment, I feel less depression, hopelessness, anger, bitterness, and jealousy. I'm hoping this moment lasts and lasts because those emotions have been replaced with peace, and it feels 'good.'
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3
"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7
But this all doesn't mean that my heart is become whole once again, that I'm not broken, that my heart doesn't ache for Hailey... all those things are still true. I miss her daily, and, of course, there are always moments of sadness. The only way I can really try to explain it is by saying I feel like I'm 'moving on' or I've 'put the past behind me'... but those are absolutely not true and I really hate to say those things... unfortunately, I have no better way to explain in words how I feel lately...
In one month, I will be saying that it's been one year since Hailey passed away, a day that will be just as significant to me as her 1st birthday. But I can't imagine how I'm going to feel or what I'm going to do on that day yet... Because I've learned to take it one day at a time. Today I will deal with today.
However, I do want to talk about something that will most likely come up on the anniversary of her death. It's something I've been thinking a lot about thanks in part to Christmas songs and the most recent series of messages at church.
Angels.
I want to make it clear to you all what I believe about angels because I've learned that with death, and especially the death of a baby or child, angels often come up. What I'm going to say is not meant to offend or hurt others for what they have done or said, it's merely for me ... and for you if you might say something to me about them... because I want you to know what I believe.
First of all, if I ever use the term 'angel' to describe Hailey, it is only as a term of endearment. When I use it, if I do, it does not mean I believe Hailey is now an angel. I do not believe that when babies or people die that they become angels. The Bible teaches that humans do not become angels when they die.
I've known people who have lost babies to say things like their babies grew wings the day they died (suggesting their baby became an angel). I've also known people to refer to the anniversaries of babies' deaths as 'angel - versaries' or their 'angel day.' And there are other common quotes like, "Most of us only dream of angels - We held one in our arms." I personally do not like any of these being said about Hailey because I don't believe them to be true based on what the Bible teaches. Again, I must express that it is not my intention to offend or cause pain to anyone, especially anyone grieving. I know all of these things are said out of love. But as a Bible believing Christian, I do not believe such things to be true. If you are a Bible believing Christian, you should not believe them to be true either.
Do I believe in angels? Absolutely. Our babies just don't turn into them when they die. Instead, our babies are with the angels in heaven, and we do have angels here on earth - the Bible teaches both of those to be true.
So is Hailey an angel now? No. Is she with the angels in heaven? Yes! Do I love to imagining her with Jesus and all the angels? Yes!
One of the most interesting and comforting things I've learned in our church's study about angels has to do with one of the angels' jobs.
You see, one of my many struggles with losing Hailey was how she died. You see, I had prayed and asked Jesus that she would pass away peacefully in her sleep one day, and she did... but I have always hated that she was alone and that I was in another room when it happened. We started off having someone hold Hailey every minute of every day in case she died because we wanted her to go while being held close by someone who loved her. Then it turned to having someone watching her every minute of every day, even when she was sleeping. Eventually reality had to set in, relatives had to leave, and we had to try to have some sort of normalcy with taking care of her, just my husband and I. This meant we took shifts in the middle of the night... one of us would sleep while the other would sleep if they could but would tend to Hailey as needed and check on her every so often.
The morning she passed away, I had been sleeping in our guest room to try to get some quality sleep, and Josh had been squeezing in sleep as well so she passed while we were both sleeping... We knew this would always be a possibility, but we didn't like that it happened that way nonetheless because we didn't want her to be alone when she died.
I always found comfort in the fact that I knew God was always there with her, but recently what I learned about angels gave me an even greater source of comfort. I learned that God has angels care for believers (and babies) at death as indicated by this verse.
"The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side." Luke 16:22
So even though when Hailey died neither of us was technically 'with her' or holding her, God was there and the angels were there carrying her into heaven. I think that is awesome for lack of a better word...
And just for the record, if you're interested in knowing a bit more about what the Bible says about angels, I'll share with you what I've learned:
- "Angel" is used approximately 275 times in the Bible; it means 'messenger.'
- Angels are mentioned in 34 of the 66 Bible books.
- Jesus taught the existence of angels. (Matthew 26:53)
- Angels are created, spirit beings. (Colossians 1:16, Hebrews 1:14)
- They were created holy, but with some free will. (Jude 6, Rev. 12:3-4, Ezekiel 28)
- Angels should not be worshiped. (Col. 2:18)
- Only 2 angels are named; Michael and Gabriel. (Jude 9, Luke 1:19)
- They do not marry, procreate, or die. (Luke 20:36)
- They can take on human form and interact with us on earth. (Hebrews 13:2)
- They are innumerable. (Hebrews 12:22)
- People don't become angels, but they can become like them when they die because in heaven humans will not marry, procreate, or die. (Hebrews 2:6-7)
A good overview online article about angels (I haven't read it in its entirety, but have read most of it) can be found here if you're interested in learning more.
So with that all said, eleven months ago today, my baby did not grow wings or become an angel. Eleven months ago today, because of God's love and care, the angels escorted her into heaven, and ever since she has been with them in the presence of God praising him and enjoying an eternity with him.
Love and miss you so much Munchkin. I can't wait to sing and dance with you and the angels worshiping our heavenly Father together...
“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory.”
Isaiah 6:3
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