Hailey's Hope Updates

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

I have to admit, some days I question my decision to make sure the world knows I had a daughter named Hailey. I question whether sharing about her and what happened to her and opening my heart and sharing my grief with the world is a good thing.

Putting yourself out there with anything is hard, but putting the precious life of your beloved daughter who died when your heart is forever broken by her loss is a completely different story. It's beyond hard. It takes courage, but sometimes I wonder if I mistake courage for a false idealistic hope or even foolishness.

When I choose to share about Hailey, her journey, and my journey, whether it's right here on my blog, on a grief website, in a letter, to a business (ie: coin collection jars), or to strangers in public (ie: my Hollyday Mart booth), I'm not just sharing our story, a "part" of my life, I'm allowing everyone access to my wounds. It's like I've removed a bandage, and I've exposed my pain and grief and tragedy for the world to see and have access to.

In doing this, I risk having salt poured on my wound, having it ripped open again, and being further broken by my loss. In some sense, I'm setting myself up for it all, disappointment, hurt, loneliness, and so on.

It's hard for me to not take someone turning down a chance to support Hailey's Hope personally because when it happens, it's like they are rejecting my baby who is dead. And in my mind, I think, how can someone possibly do that? To me such actions say: I don't care about your daughter's life, and I don't care about what happened to you. I don't care about the pain you deal with on a daily basis. She doesn't matter, and you don't matter. While this may not be the person's true thoughts or feelings, and I know it probably never is... But regardless, it always feels that way and not taking it personally is really difficult.

And so there are moments in this journey of keeping my daughter's memory alive, whether it's through something larger like Hailey's Hope or something smaller like my reply to a stranger asking how many kids I have and telling them I had a daughter, but she passed away, where I fight to smile instead of cry at the response or lack thereof I'm given. In those moments, when my heart further breaks inside, I wonder if it wouldn't be easier just to "put my past behind me" and keep her a secret all to myself. Because many women who have lost a child do this, and now I'm starting to perhaps understand why...

Yesterday I experienced several of these moments.

Yesterday, if you didn't know, I had a vendor booth at a local craft fair. I set it up to sell the headbands I make to help me support Hailey's Hope and to share about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. I knew I was putting myself in another situation where I could end up hurt and disappointed if the response wasn't what I wanted because of how personal this all is to me.

There were many hard moments when I watched pregnant woman after pregnant woman give my booth a look and walk on, or when people looked at our booth, smiled at me, and walked on... you'd think the smile would be encouraging, but it wasn't. And then were was the word vomit that came out of some young mother's mouth that I found to just be unbelievable. For instance, in the midst of her asking and me telling her that Hailey's condition was lethal or fatal, she replied with a stupid comment about how everything's fatal these days even a skinned knee, and I honestly thought in my head, "Are you stupid lady? Did you really just say that to me? Do you have any common sense or compassion at all?" She clearly wasn't interested in listening or caring and so I let her run her mouth so she'd leave...

I still get worked up just thinking about it... Anyway... despite that all and despite any similar moments in the past 10.5 months where I've felt discouraged by others, the encouraging moments always overpower them.

For instance, yesterday, it was awesome having several of our friends stop by and visit us, especially during the times when sales were slow. Several of them even opened up their hearts and their checkbooks and generously gave to Hailey's Hope. Whether they donated $1 or $100 to us or just stopped by to say hi, they were a great source of encouragement to me. (Thank you friends!)

And all in all, my first attempt at a vendor booth went well. Many people had encouraging words to share with me. Many people were interested in learning about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. I gave away a lot of informational handouts. Combining sales of my headbands and donations, about $350 was raised for Hailey's Hope, which I think is just awesome!

Any time I feel discouraged with Hailey's Hope and what I'm doing in memory of Hailey, I think back to all of the encouraging moments I've had this year, like the amazing donation I recently received from the school where I taught from 07/08 to 08/09. Even though I've been gone for a year and a half, they've shown me that I wasn't just another co-worker who came and went. They are people who truly care.

Long story short, they offered to hold an item drive in their classrooms for me this fall, and last week they shipped 8 gigantic boxes worth of items for our bags. It's by far the largest donation we've ever received and was more than I ever could have imagined receiving. They also raised an incredible amount of money for our cause. It was one of the most touching and moving experiences ever for me.

So this leads me into my updates for where we are with our delivery on Hailey's 1st birthday, December 1st, which is quickly approaching.

With the two very large monetary donations we received this fall from a family member and Army friend, combined with the very large monetary donation and 8 boxes of items donated by my old school, combined with an awesome amount of items donated by my best friend's family, combined with all the wonderful monetary and item donations made by strangers, families, and friends, and combined with all the proceeds from the headbands I sell through Blossoms of Blessings, we have easily reached our goal of donating 50 basic NICU bags and 10 "angel" memory boxes on Hailey's birthday! And not only have we reached our goal, but in fact we surpassed it, so everything not used for Hailey's birthday delivery will give us an awesome start towards our deliveries in 2011!

From the bottom of my heart, I can't say it enough, thank you thank you thank you to everyone who has encouraged me and supported Hailey's Hope in any way whatsoever! It means the world to me and to my daughter's memory, and I am so happy to be able to make a difference in someone else's world through this.

So for the next two weeks I will be busy working on finishing memory boxes and filling and finishing our bags so that our delivery is all ready to be delivered to The Children's Hospital on Hailey's birthday. It will definitely be one of the best ways I can celebrate my daughter's life on her birthday....

"He who is generous will be blessed..." Proverbs 22:9