Hailey's 1st Birthday

Okay, I'm finally ready (and have time) to write about Hailey's birthday...

I'm happy to say that after having a terribly sad day on Monday, Tuesday was a little bit brighter, but in terms of my emotions, it was a pretty anxious day for me. I unexpectedly felt anxiety over wondering how I was going to feel on Hailey's birthday so much so that I think I had some stress related heart burn or indigestion or something that kept me up most of Tuesday night. But it was a little comforting going into Hailey's birthday to have already had so many kind words, messages, and prayers from family and friends on Monday and Tuesday. Plus our families had some gorgeous flowers delivered to us on Tuesday, and for me, flowers are always a source of comfort and brighten a dark day.

The morning of Wednesday, December 1st, Hailey's birthday, didn't start out how I expected it might. After not having enough sleep, I was woken up and kept awake from 6am to 8am with a series over 10 different phone calls for subbing. Because of the day, I ignored the first half of the calls, but after they kept coming, I decided to finally start answering my phone and declining opportunities to sub.  (And I just have to say I found it extremely strange that I had all those subbing calls on Hailey's birthday when I haven't had that many total in 3 months!).

But back to Hailey's birthday...

Thanks to prayers, God being at work, and our delivery for Hailey's Hope, Hailey's birthday was as good as it could have been for me. It certainly was a bittersweet day. Sad of course for all the obvious reasons that I'm not going to get into this post. But thankfully I experienced much more joy that overcame any sadness.

Because Josh had to fly and work on her birthday, he was unfortunately unable to make the delivery with me, but thankfully, one of my friends was able to make the journey with me up to The Children's Hospital in Birmingham, which was about a 3.5 hr drive each way.  So that morning I loaded up my car with the 50 basic NICU bags and 10 memory boxes we were donating, and my friend and I were on the road around 11:30am.

This is the 2nd delivery Hailey's Hope has made to The Children's Hospital so I thought I knew what to expect. The first time we delivered 36 bags in June, and when we did so, we made the long drive up, unloaded all the bags in front of the main desk in the lobby area, signed a form, and then made the long drive back; it literally took 5 minutes. Therefore, this time, I was expecting the same experience.

We pulled in front of the main entrance of The Children's Hospital a little after 3pm, and I went in first to fill out the forms and have my hospital contact paged to let her know the donations had arrived. I wasn't sure if anyone was going to come meet us or not, so we began unloading the bags from the car. When we came in with a wagon full of bags, a woman from the hospital (not my contact) came to greet me and help with the donations. While she was deciding what it would be best to do with all the bags and what not, the woman at the front desk who was wearing reindeer antlers and was so sweet offered to do a little photo op of my friend and I with some of the bags.

(Already the delivery was more rewarding for me than the last!)

The other woman was able to grab another wagon to help us bring more bags inside, and she asked us if we would help her take the wagon loads up to the NICUs - Of course we would! That's exactly what I had wanted to do, but I understood that sometimes hospital policies might not allow it.

So we took the first half of the donation to the 6th floor level 3 NICU...the same NICU where Hailey arrived one year ago from the date of the delivery. I stepped out of the elevator and saw the familiar hall with it's cheerful painted wall and the NICU sign... It pretty much took my breath away. It was the first moment where I had to hold back tears. I hadn't been on that floor, in that hall, in almost a year, and all of our experiences there with Hailey came flooding back to me. I felt like I was there for the first time again getting ready to see her for the first time since she was born. It didn't make me want to cry tears of sadness....instead, I was just feeling very moved and soaking up the moment. I was so very thankful to be able to be going back to her NICU and seeing my bags off in this way.

The woman helping us had us all buzzed into the NICU so she could discuss the donation with some of the other NICU workers. We stepped in, and again, I felt overwhelmed...but in a good way. Hailey's bed had been just to the left... It may seem odd, but being there made me feel close to her again.

[caption id="attachment_80" align="aligncenter" width="362" caption="My Courageous Little Girl"][/caption]

Eventually we went back out of the NICU to the conference room across the way where there was plenty of space to temporarily store our bags and for the NICU workers to sort through them.

The nurses were all so sweet and were just pouring over the bags. We talked all about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas. They remembered receiving our first set of donations in June and told me so many wonderful things about how much the parents have appreciated our bags, they've all gone to good use, many people had been requesting them after they ran out, and so on. After I told them I was Hailey's mom and how it was her 1st birthday, they began asking questions about her. After telling them her full name, when she was in their NICU, and that she had Trisomy 18, they all seemed to remember her (although I didn't remember any of them).

I can't begin to tell you how much comfort and joy their sweet comments about how appreciated and needed Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas is at The Children's Hospital... I mean it just made me feel sooo good. I know why I do what I do with Hailey's Hope and I know the need, but it's so good to have everything reaffirmed by others. They were even (somewhat) joking around telling me they need another 50 bags next month. (They have a total of 40 beds and most of the time they are all full, so the need for the bags is there.)

After we dropped off the first half of the bags and I chatted a bit with the nurses, we went back downstairs to unload the rest of the car and bring the rest of our delivery upstairs. When we were finished unloading everything in the conference room, I talked some more with the nurses. They couldn't stop admiring all of the goodies and thought and care that went into everything, and they asked for a picture with me. They also kept asking about Hailey's Hope and Project Sweet Peas and wanted more information, all I had on me were business cards so I passed them all out. One of the nurses even mentioned she was going to share about our project with an organization she's a part of in hopes to help us with donations.

All in all, this time the delivery took about an hour to drop off and was exactly what I hoped and wanted it to be. On our way out I stopped in the hall to take a picture with the NICU sign where Hailey stayed as a little tribute to her.

Hailey's 1st birthday was truly a bittersweet day, but it was truly best way I could have celebrated my daughter's sweet little life (although next year my husband needs to be with me!).

My friend and I left the hospital around 4:15pm and stopped to enjoy a nice dinner together, and I finally arrived back home around 8:30pm. It was a long day. I came home exhausted. But I was literally glowing as I told my husband about how wonderfully the delivery went.

Thanks to everyone's prayers and God's answers, Hailey's birthday was a gift to me. I feared feeling alone, depressed, sad, full of grief, etc. But instead, I felt comfort, peace, joy, and love. Truly amazing gifts. In looking back on the day, I just feel overwhelming grateful for everything... for God, for Hailey, for Hailey's Hope, for our supporters... everything...

Thank you Jesus for always taking care of me, and thank you to everyone who has kept us in your prayers... Prayer is powerful, and it works..

As I posted on my Facebook on Hailey's birthday...

"Dear Hailey, While every part of me wishes you were here with us and we were celebrating you turning 1 today, I hold on to the hope I have that one day I'll have an eternity to spend with you...until then I pray that God will continue to daily give me his strength and peace to endure this life without you. Love you forever, Your momma (and dad)."

You are my God, and I will praise you;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

Psalm 118: 28-29