I've anticipated this Christmas season to be a difficult one because of not having Hailey (and my dad) with us. I especially thought this time of year might be extra hard because Hailey's birthday and the day she passed away surround Christmas.
However, as I'm in the midst of the Christmas season now, my grief and my feelings don't seem all that different than they normally are... My sorrows haven't increased or strengthened as I thought they might. In fact, I find myself enjoying and taking much pleasure in the season.
With the almost record low temperatures here in Alabama, the cold weather has led us to enjoy several nights snuggled up in warm blankets with a fire burning in the fireplace and sipping on cups of hot cocoa and tea. I've enjoyed watching the twinkling Christmas lights on the neighbors' houses, the snow falling today (!), Christmas shopping, the few festive decorations we have up, listening to Christmas songs whenever I can, watching Christmas movies on TV, and baking Christmas cookies. I'm looking forward to spending this Christmas with both of our families and some friends back in Illinois. I'm looking forward to continued Christmas traditions with them, family parties, gift-giving, Christmas eve service at church, playing in 'real' snow, and everything else that comes along with us spending Christmas with our families like we used to.
Right now I feel like I am truly enjoying myself this Christmas season. Of course I miss Hailey and wish she were with us, and I'm sure as it gets closer to Christmas day, it may become harder.
But the strange thing is, and I never thought I'd say it, but I almost want to say I prefer this Christmas season to last. The only thing good about last Christmas was that Hailey was with us. As I look back at all the pictures from last year and think about what I was doing a year ago, the only thing I miss is Hailey. Other than that, I don't miss anything, and I wouldn't want to go back.
A year ago, I was celebrating my daughter living to be a week old and trying to soak up every moment with her... that was the good side of things... But there was a bad side too. Last year at this time I also felt over whelming grief already. The stress of having my baby in the hospital for a week was almost unbearable. Life was at its hardest for me. I smiled in attempts to live in the moment and make the best of the situation...but the tears still flowed constantly in private.
While we were blessed enough to bring Hailey home with us and spend Christmas with her, it wasn't the Christmas I wanted. We were still wondering at which moment she might pass. Things were stressful taking care of her at times, with inconsolable cries, feedings tubes, being confined to one room of the house because of her oxygen, still grieving....all the while I was trying to be cheerful with the limited family we had visiting.... There was constant sorrow, worries, stress, anxiety, dread, and so on. Of course I focused on all the reasons we had to celebrate, but at the same time there were so many reasons not to feel like celebrating because my baby was going to die and it was just a matter of time. For those reasons, this Christmas season is much better. I don't miss those feelings. I don't miss the 'bad' side.
That may make me sound selfish, but I hope not. Perhaps you can only understand if you've been in my shoes. I can't emphasize how much I miss Hailey and loved that a year ago I was able to hold my baby girl in my arms, kiss her, smell her, take care of, love her... But at the same time, I don't want to go back to that situation. I would go back to her in a heart beat, but not the situation we were in a year ago - if that makes sense.
I guess if you were to ask me to choose which Christmas season is better, this or last... I might say I prefer this Christmas because I'm not constantly living in stress or crying everyday. I am at peace knowing Hailey is living in peace in heaven and huge burdens have been lifted from my life allowing me to be more easily at peace here, a peace I didn't quite have last year... But last Christmas season will always be cherished because its the only time of my life that I was able to share with Hailey, to actually be with my daughter. I wouldn't want to go back to it all...but I would again for Hailey.
Anyway, this year, this month, is better than I'd imagined, and I'm very thankful for that. I'm thankful I can find joy in the little things that I love about Christmas time. I'm thankful we'll be able to be with our families in Illinois for Christmas. I'm most thankful for the peace God's giving me. Of course it hurts not having Hailey here, but God is helping me deal with it.
I just pray the rest of this season continues this way. Sometimes I feel like when I write about how 'well' I'm doing with my grief (thanks to God), family and friends show their support less and assume everything's fine... But please, family and friends, don't stop showing your support, sympathy, love, for us, for Hailey... God uses you to help me, help us, and we will never stop needing support and love and knowing you care about Hailey too.
And if you haven't read the poem on Facebook, I'm going to put it here too. Do you want to know what I was experiencing a year ago at this time? Read this poem written by another Project Sweet Peas leader. (I apologize for the spaced out formatting, I couldn't fix it.)
A Parent’s Tunnel
By: Kate Crawford
Shut your eyes
Now, imagine the happiest moment of your life
You are about to meet your baby
A baby you have waited for
For 9 long months
A baby you planned your future around
Everything is perfect
And here he comes
You cry
You are elated
But, wait . . . the baby . . .
The baby isn’t crying
The nurses are running
You ask quietly,
“What’s wrong?”
No one answers you
You can’t see your baby
There are too many people
The whisk your baby out of the room
You scream
“What is wrong with my baby?”
Finally an answer
One you are unprepared for
“We have to take your baby to the NICU.”
You stop listening
You can’t breathe
You can’t think
You cry, but it’s no longer because you are happy
You haven’t seen the sun
The dark room is all you know
The days run together
You are tired
But you can’t sleep, because you can’t leave your baby’s side
You are alone
Isolated
You haven’t even eaten
You forget
You can’t leave
You haven’t showered
But, you don’t care
He’s hooked to wires, tubes, IV’s and catheters
Everything beeps in alarms
Every beep makes your heart stop
Your baby is sick
Your perfect is gone
Your future, shattered
You sit
You stare
You watch your baby fight to stay alive
The nurses come
The nurses go
The names change
You can’t keep it straight
The diagnosis
You can’t even pronounce
Medicines you’ve never heard of
But the knowledge makes you feel bonded to your baby
You know nothing of the outside world
Your baby is all you know
Your strength
You don’t care about anything
But your baby
This is the life of a parent in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. They have tunnel vision, and at the end is a healthy baby with a happily ever after. Sometimes, they reach the end of that tunnel with their baby, sometimes they never see their happy ever after.
I don't think you're selfish.
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