Remembering 2010, Welcoming 2011

New Year's Eve is upon us. Amongst other things, that means everyone's Facebook statuses are declaring what they loved about this past year and all the 'amazing' things they're looking forward to this next year. I remember reading similar Facebook statuses last New Year's Eve as well... and I remember how much my heart ached as I read them.

Last year at this time, I was not in the New Year's 'spirit' at all because, quite frankly, I was dreading the new year. I wasn't looking forward to 2010. Every time I thought of what 2010 held for me, I wanted to cry and did cry. Every FB status that bragged about how blessed they were in 2009 and how blessed they were going to be in 2010, with babies, weddings, vacations, and so on, was like a little knife to my heart.

All I could think about was what I had to 'look forward to' for 2010 and that was the deaths of my daughter and father. I knew they were coming. My New Year's Eve was spent thinking of the deteriorating health of my dad as he was clearly losing his battle to cancer quickly and my baby who was given a diagnosis that she could die any day. Death was what loomed around the corner for me in 2010.

And my 2010 did begin with death... Hailey died January 6th and my dad died the day before my birthday on January 22nd. I spent the first month of 2010 planning and attending the memorial services of my daughter and dad. I spent the first half of the year severely mourning their deaths and trying to figure out how to go on. On the worst days of my grief, I couldn't look to the rest of the year, the coming years, even the coming days... I clung to God having no other hope to live...not seeing what there was to live for... not imagining life could ever bring me happiness again...that I could ever look forward to something again.

While your Facebook status may say 2010 was the best year of your life, 2010 was by far the worst year of my life. I've never felt so much pain, sadness, hopelessness, or despair... I lost two people I loved. Two people very close to me. My family was broken and forever changed.

However, I survived it all. And I sit here today, on the eve of 2011, and remember 2010. While 2010 was all of those negative things I just wrote about, and I will always remember it because of those things, I will also remember 2010 for another reason. I came through this all closer to God and with a stronger faith. I was tested and tried and brought to my lowest point...But I came through with a stronger faith because of my encounters with God.

This year God revealed himself to me over and over again, and I consider each one of those moments a miraculous blessing. God remained faithful and loving and good. He lived out his promises he'd written to me in the Bible on a daily basis, and I got to know that and experience that. Before this all happened, I considered myself a mature believer walking closely with my God and experiencing Him, but never had my faith been to this place of great depth. This year the depths and heights of my faith and God's love expanded beyond my imagination.  To capture it in a single sentence, this year I experienced a joy I have never known or imagined to be possible and a supernatural comfort and peace to my sorrow and mourning. In addition, I was given greater wisdom and understanding about life and my creator.

Before I go any further, I'd like to reminisce about last year on New Year's Eve.  We had Hailey with us at our home in Alabama and my mom was staying with us. Since we couldn't really go out and do anything, my mom cooked us some of my favorite foods, including Alaskan King Crab Legs. The best part of New Year's Eve in the south with Hailey was that the weather was so mild and nice that we were able to take her on her first official stroller ride. I wrote a tank top and sweats and was perfectly comfortable, but we bundled little Hailey up nonetheless to ensure she stayed snuggly warm. We set up her little traveling oxygen tank and went on a little short walk with her and Opie down our street and back. It was one of those memories with Hailey that I treasure having. It was one of those things we never knew if we'd be able to do with her, but as parents longed to do... Hailey got a little crabby at the end of the walk, but who could blame her, it was a big change for her weak little body. Even when she was crabby she was cute. We were able to take a lot of pictures during our walk and took a little video of it...and that was how I spent my New Year's Eve last year. This year, we're enjoying another warm and mild New Year's Eve in Alabama, and my puppy, hubby, and I are just keeping it low key, probably watching some movies, and doing a little 'toast' with our traditional sparkling grape juice at midnight.

In remembering my 2010, I remember the lives lost of my dad and my daughter. I remember and thank God for the provisions and blessings he's poured out on me in light of those losses. I am thankful for God's plans for my marriage and the growing he's allowed to take place. I am thankful for becoming a part of Project Sweet Peas and starting Hailey's Hope this year, and I pray God would allow me to continue to serve him in this way for years to come.

For welcoming 2011, I'm wise enough not to boast about any plans and to pray all future plans be according to God's will (James 4:13-17). I pray for God to bless our transition and move from Ft. Rucker, AL to Ft. Campbell, KY. I pray that God would watch over us and bless our new home and provide us with good friends who can become like family and a church that we can call home in TN.

New Year’s Prayer

"Heavenly Father, for this coming year

Just one request I bring.

I do not pray for happiness or any earthly thing.

I do not ask to understand the way you lead me;

But this I ask—teach me to do the thing that pleases You.

I want to know Your guiding voice,

To walk with you each day.

Heavenly Father,

Make me swift to hear and ready to obey;

And thus the year I now begin

A happy year will be,

If I am seeking just to do

The thing that pleases You."

(Anonymous)

Happy New Year :)

And, as I wrote for the status of Hailey's Hope's Facebook page, I pray that God would bless you in 2011, that any injury be healed, any sadness be turned to joy, any doubt turned to faith, and any despair turned to hope.