Changing Seasons

Wow this is a new one for me ... over a week since I last blogged. Here are my main excuses: Amongst the other things that regularly keep me busy, I subbed twice, went on a last minute  3 day trip to check out Fort Campbell (which I like to refer to as my recon mission trying to scope out the area so we can begin house hunting), and then had to finish our homemade costumes for the Spooky 5K on post that we participated in - see pictures below.

(View of the drive in TN)

(Spooky 5K costumes - our half of 'Scooby and the gang')

My life seems to be moving from one season to another right now. How appropriate for this to be happening to me in the fall as the leaves change colors and the world prepares for winter.

Since Hailey passed away, I've struggled with grief and depression and the new, unexpected, and unwanted turn in my life and all that's come along with it. As I've written about many times before, overnight my life changed and I woke up many mornings feeling I was in a living nightmare. I lost my dad, I had no daughter, I wasn't a mom, I had no full time job, I didn't know who I was or what to do with myself, I was living in a new state hundreds of miles from family and learning what it meant to be married to the Army... all at once.

As my season of grief raged on, God gave me glimmers of joy and peace and even purpose. My unwanted free time became a blessing that allowed me to do things I otherwise would have been unable to enjoy, like exercising and donating care packages to families who have babies in NICUs. I began to accept more and more that I don't write the plans to my life, God does. And so with God's help I worked my way through my grief and other negative emotions that accompanied it. I began to feel purposeful again. It was hard but I created a 'new life' after Hailey and fell into a new routine I grew to love.

But nothing ever lasts. Every time I seem to establish a routine with my life and become complacent, life throws something at me, sometimes something welcomed, other times something not.

The season of my life appears to be changing again. This time to one where my grief is quieter and my tears and sadness seem less, where I embrace the present and future more and more, where the tragedy of losing Hailey seems like it's in the distant past almost so much so that some days if I look at my life right now it's as if she never existed, and I will admit, I hate those moments. Sometimes it feels as if I'm to the point where I've moved on without her, like the past two years never happened, and I'm back to my 'normal' self before her. Again, I will admit, I hate feeling that way because there is no going back to how things were before her, even if that's how it may appear to the rest of the world. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss her and think of her.

I know this will be a battle I have for the rest of my life. Hailey will be like a secret I carry that no one will know or understand. I'll go through the motions of life's activities like pumpkin picking, costume making, house hunting, and so on, always wishing I had my daughter there with me, always imagining what my life would be like in that particular moment with my daughter there, always thinking that's how it should have been, but isn't. I go through all these activities and an outsider never knows that I have a  daughter who should have been in the picture with me too. It's a frustrating thing for me. (On that note, if you have a baby or a child, can you do me a favor? Can you just hug them extra tight today for me and those of us surrounding you who in watching you with your babies miss ours all that much more?)

As we get ready for our new chapter, or season, in our life as we move to Fort Campbell, I also work to prepare myself for meeting new people and making new friends, again. And I'm constantly feeling tugs on my heart as I imagine them asking the same question everyone always asks, "Do you have any kids?" I've been thinking about this question a lot lately even though I haven't been asked it in awhile.

What do people mean when they ask that question? Is it implied that they mean living kids? How awkward would it be if I replied, "No. No living kids." I usually answer, "Yes, I had a daughter, but she passed away." I refuse to keep it a secret and lead people to believe I never had a baby who I had to bury and create a lie about my life, but at the same time, the honesty always creates an awkwardness and most of the time I don't think they really want the honest answer. They want to know if I currently have any kids...and I don't...  Right now, since it hasn't even been a year since Hailey has been gone, it seems more likely to me that I will continue to answer that I had a baby. But I wonder if I will still answer the question the same seven years from now? And then I wonder what other parents do who have lost a child. What do the parents do who lost their son or daughter when they were teenagers? What do they say ten years later when someone asks them how many children they have? How do they answer the question? Do they mention the one who died?

I'm sure there is no right or wrong answer and everyone answers differently, just as everyone grieves differently. But for now, I do not want the fact that I had a baby who died to be a secret in my life, because it's actually a huge part of my life and has been the most significant moment of my life thus far. It doesn't feel right to answer any differently. So I suppose I will answer the question the same, honestly, whether I think people want to hear it or not, whether it creates an awkwardness or not...

And I have to admit, I didn't intend for my post to go this route, but it did. I guess even as I go through the motions and get ready for this new turn in my life, the truth of my heart and where it's at always comes out.

Things are busy right now, but it's a welcomed busy. To my surprise, I'm actually enjoying where my life is at right now. I am seeing that life can go on and can be good again, although I can always find reason not to be completely satisfied with my life because my baby is dead after all... But I try my best not to let those thoughts and feelings keep me a prisoner of my grief and keep me from making the most of my life.

So I'm enjoying working on our delivery for Hailey's Hope in a month, substitute teaching every now and then, house hunting, and getting ready for our move, Josh's graduation, and the holidays. I'm already anticipating to feel many mixed emotions in the next two months... I'll have many reasons to celebrate and be happy and many reasons to grieve... Just praying God helps me handle the changing seasons and everything that will come at me into the new year.