The tears came; Let the praises ring

The tears came today, in fact, they're still falling as I write this. If you've been reading, you know they haven't really come in awhile.

I like today's tears. But let me start from the beginning...

It started this morning with an unexpected conversation that I began as I was putting on my gym shoes after finishing my yoga class.

Her name is Marla, and her son's name is Freddie; they attend our church. On Saturday my husband and I are going to be walking as part of Team Freddie for the National Down Syndrome Society's Buddy Walk. (Freddie has Down Syndrome, also known as Trisomy 21.)

Marla was delivering t-shirt orders for Team Freddie, and we walked out to her car to get my order. We began chatting about Freddie (unfortunately he didn't make Buddie of the year even though he has 195 people on his team). We also began chatting about military life, and she asked the inevitable question, "Do you and your husband have any children?"

And so I told her about Hailey and Trisomy 18. Two mothers. Two different stories. Two babies with chromosomal disorders - both diagnosed about a week after birth. And similar in that the world of Trisomy disorders came unexpectedly to us in our ignorance of them and similar in that God blessed us both with very special children.

I told Marla how happy I was to be able to support Freddie and other children with Trisomy 21 because Hailey could have been one of them, because Hailey shared something unique with them; she had Trisomy, just a different number. So not only am I walking for Freddie, but I'm walking for Hailey too.

No my tears didn't come during our conversation nor did our conversation make me sad; they never do when I first tell Hailey's story to someone. Instead, the conversation left my heart feeling warmed.

On the drive home Hailey filled my mind, as she often does, and I drove along thinking of her, thinking of Freddie, enjoying the fall weather with my windows rolled down, cool breeze on my face, the sun warming my skin, and then this song began to play on the radio. (I challenge you to watch/listen to the song in its entirety).



Enter instantaneous tears. Tears began streaming down my face. As I drove I turned the volume up louder and let myself embrace the moment. A moment of worship. I released all the emotions I felt inside and listened and sang every word and cried out and praised God.

And so of course when I got home I immediately hopped on iTunes and bought the song and am now playing it as I write this post, tears still trickling down, a smile on my heart.

I love these tears. I love these moments. These are the moments I know are gifts from God where I am completely overwhelmed by his love, where I feel like I can almost literally feel his arm around me, where I've never felt more blessed in my life.

One of my favorite verses since losing Hailey, that expresses one of my hopes, is Psalm 30:11 "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing."

Here I am thinking of Hailey, missing her, loving her, and all I want to do is stretch my arms out wide, dance in circles, sing out the words of this song, and praise God for loving me, for giving me Hailey, for never leaving me, for the goodness he continues to bring, for turning my mourning into joyful dancing, literally, and for how amazing and wondrous his love and ways are... for I feel I've seen a glimpse of Him and it's indescribable.

There is no other explanation than God's love for how I can sit here, 9 months and 1 day after I held my baby girl for one last time experiencing the deepest of griefs, and be overwhelmed by this awesome joy and love that I feel.

And during these moments, I can't help but wonder how people doubt His existence, and I can't help but feel sad for those who don't know the love and joy and hope of His that I do.

<sigh>

Love these days, these moments, these tears. While on most days I struggle hearing others tell new moms and their babies how blessed they are by God because that causes me to wonder what that makes me and my daughter who was sick and is now buried in the ground... But today, today I can call myself blessed because I know Jesus and my relationship with him has reached depths I never imagined experiencing.

I am blessed.  I am loved.

Thank you Jesus.

From the Autumn Leaves, that will ride the breeze
To the Faith it takes, to pray and sing
From the Painted sky, to my plank filled eye
He is God of all, He is everything

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.
Every Starry Night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only son, who was and is and yet to come
Let the praises ring, 'cause he is everything.