Hailey's 4 Month Birthday, Let the Light Shine

Today, April 1, 2010 is not remembered for being April Fool's Day. To me, April 1st is the day that would have been Hailey's 4 month birthday. I really can't believe she would have been that old!

As I mentioned in last month's post. Today I am choosing not to be full of sadness that Hailey is not here to celebrate being 4 months old. Instead, I am choosing to celebrate her life. From the moment God started knitting her together in my womb (which was a little over a year ago) to the moment I last held her and kissed her goodnight. She was with me for 9 months (in my belly) and 36 days (in my arms). Today I thank God for her life. Her short but amazing life. I know that I say that a lot, but I can't say it enough.

Who would have thought such a tiny 5lb fragile baby girl who only lived a little over a month on this earth could have made such an impact - on my life, mine and my husband's lives, and the lives of some of my family and friends...

Of course I miss her today, I do everyday. But the joy and love I have in remembering her and remembering the times we shared together as mother and daughter fills any empty place in my heart today. What an amazing feeling of being a parent. I love it and thank God for it. Today I focus on the gifts God has given me which include the list above, which includes the short life of my daughter.

So as I remember and celebrate Hailey's life, I have a candle lit in her honor. The candle is meaningful to me and took me sometime to find. As I shopped for just the right candle, I had many options to choose from. The reason I chose this one (for now at least :)) is because of the verse on it. That is my prayer for myself and Josh today on Hailey's would have been birthday. Today has great potential to be a difficult and dark day. So not only do I want to remember Hailey with joy and happiness, I want to remember to trust in God. On these days, I am praying that God fills Josh and I with joy and peace as we remember Hailey and trust completely in him. Would you pray that prayer for us too?

As I wrote on Hailey's 3 month birthday, the light of the candle is symbolic and meaningful to me for many reasons. It represents how her life still shines in my life even though she is not here with me. It reminds me that her life shines of God's love, whether you believe it or not, it does. And of course, it symbolizes my choice to live my life in God's light and to be His light before men. Not to mention, the significance behind light's ability to chase away the darkness...

Here are some of the verses on light behind why I am choosing to light a candle on Hailey's birthdays from now on:

"God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from allsin." 1 John 1:5-7

In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world." John 1:4-9

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

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To my munchkin at home with God, Hailey, you were a light in my life and will always be a source of light that brings joy and happiness and love to my heart. I am so thankful God blessed us with you. Even though you aren't here to celebrate your 4 month birthday with us, know that we're thinking of you and loving you with all of our hearts. We're sending our hugs and kisses to you today (and always). I'm praying God shows you something new and spectacular today as I'm sure he does everyday. I had a daydream today that Jesus had you in his hands and was holding you down so you could reach me. You were smiling with your chubby little cheeks and your eyes were shimmering with happiness and love. You didn't have to say it but I know you were thinking 'Hi, Mommy! It's so good to see you and see you happy. I love you so much!" and then you gave me a kiss and then I kissed your cheeks and breathed in that beautiful floral baby smell of yours. And then Jesus brought you back close to him and you both smiled and waved goodbye to me. God gave me a glimpse of Heaven with you and I loved it. Love you always, Mom (and Dad, and Opie of course).