Missing her... in a different way...

I feel like I haven't really written about Hailey in a long time. I mean, I write about things that have to do with her, but they're really not about her. In fact, I've found myself frustrated with this occurrence in my life lately. I think about things having to do with Hailey - like this blog, starting Hailey's Hope, I look at her picture and I think Hailey, I look at her footprint on my necklace and I think Hailey - but all the while I am not really thinking about her.

Does that make sense?

It was is really frustrating that I'm doing that. I hate to say this, and hate to admit this, but it's getting hard to really think about her and really truly remember her... not hard in that I can't deal with the sadness or deal with it emotionally so I don't do it...but hard in that it no longer comes as naturally, but instead takes more of a conscious effort now.

I've realized that I can think about Hailey all day long...and miss her completely.

Have you ever felt that way about someone or something? Do you know what I'm talking about?

I don't like it. It's like I've gotten caught up in all the busyness of my life and trying to keep myself busy and I think I'm thinking about her... but I'm really not. All these things relate to her or have to do with her... but somehow my busy mind skims over what was really Hailey.

These are the things I don't think about anymore that are really her:

Her soft skin that became dry and flaky on her skinny legs and me rubbing her wonderful smelling baby lotion all over them. The feeling of her small head in my hands and the bump that stuck out from part of her head being swollen from birth. What it sounded like to hear her deep breathing as she slept. The soundless cries she had towards the end when she couldn't make enough sound to actually cry. Her little tummy wrap that always got in the way. The weight of her in my arms as I held her. The warmth of her as I held her, often making my arms sweaty. The way her eyes would grow wide and look every which way when she took her bottle. What it felt like to look into her eyes...to love her...to be with her...

 

All of those things and so much more... that I don't think about anymore. It's not that I don't want to. I just don't.

I am preoccupied with my to-do list, keeping busy, being productive. That's how I'm trained. And in being like that, I often don't take the time to sit back and just remember her...all of her... all that she truly was to me.

And as I sit here and write this post, God is sitting there clearing his throat in my ear..."A-hem..." Nudging me as I type. Okay God, I'm sitting still and I hear and feel you...

Confession. I am doing the same thing with God. I try to do everything that I do for him and for his glory. I consciously think and try to honor him in my life through how I exercise, eat, dress, manage money, interact with my husband, interact with others, through Hailey's Hope, and so on...and I could add "religious" things like go to church on Sundays, serve in the church, go to Bible study, reading my devotionals, etc.. I try to live my life for him. But don't I know that I am just as susceptible as everyone else to living my life and thinking I'm doing everything for God and yet miss him completely? Didn't I just teach this to a group of  girls at church?

I'm busy busy busy - thinking about God most of the time - yet I'm missing him entirely. I'm not really thinking about Him. I'm not really spending quality time with him.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10.

I repeat that verse over and over to myself... almost daily... yet I'm missing the point some days. Yet another thing I'm just skimming right over and missing the true meaning of ...

God commands me first to BE STILL. Just stop. Stop my busyness. Stop. Then he tells me to KNOW who he is. I can't KNOW him unless I'm still and stopped first. Otherwise, I'll miss him. Same thing with Hailey. If I don't just stop sometimes...stop my busy thoughts and actions. I am not going to be able to remember who Hailey is.

<sigh> Although realizing these things is especially frustrating... the acknowledgment that they're happening allows me to change.

I. Must. Really. Slow. Down. And. Really. Think. About. Hailey. And God.

It's funny... I feel so dense right now actually... this is exactly what my grief devotional was about the other night. Hmm... was God trying to tell me something days ago? Probably. But I was on busy body mode and had him tuned out. The topic in the grief devotional was addressing busyness as a coping mechanism for grief - one that can be unhealthy if you are using your busyness to avoid dealing with your feelings of grief and mourning. Thankfully, I have not done that.

But this busyness is still not good... I am missing out on some pretty important people. And if I really want to get down to it and confess, I do that with my husband sometimes too...

Do you find yourself doing the same thing ever? Being so busy that your mind is 'thinking' about people or things, but really it's just skimming right over them? What are those things? Don't miss out on someone or something important...

Lord, Thank you for speaking to me through Your word, my devotional, and in all of those other ways you speak straight to my heart. Thank you for knowing and loving me. Help me to know and love you. Forgive me for not hearing sooner and forgive me for where my mind has been set as I go about keeping busy. Help me slow down so I don't miss knowing You and don't miss out on anyone else or anything else that's important in my life. Help me to be still. Help me to know You. Help me to remember Hailey as she was and is. Don't let me just skim over You... or Hailey... or Josh... or anyone else. Please continue to bring healing to my life. Amen.