Difficult days lay ahead...

As I wrote down an appointment on my monthly planner for May, I looked at what events would be coming up... And then I saw that the first week of May, piled full with events that are going to make it a difficult one.

Here is a picture from my planner:



The first weekend of May contains two days that are sad by nature. May 1st would have been Hailey's 5 month birthday. I can't believe it's been that long since she's been born! And of course, it's another birthday she doesn't have here and that I can't celebrate with her.

May 2nd is a day you probably never have heard of - I hadn't until I became someone the day is about. May 2nd is Babylost Mother's Day - a Mother's day for those who no longer have their babies with them. But not many people know about it... and I'm not sure how I feel about that day...On Mother's Day, mothers are remembered and celebrated... But does anyone remember and celebrate Mother's like myself on this day or on Mother's Day - in my experience so far, no. Society forgets us. I doubt there is a section in the Mother's Day cards that is for the "Babylost" Mother's...please correct me if I'm wrong though.

Then comes May 4th - our appointment with a Geneticist in Birmingham. (Brief explanation: we were to follow up with the Geneticist while we were in the hospital with Hailey to better understand her Trisomy 18 and discuss genetic testing and future pregnancies - but we were so busy we were never able to and it's taken this long for us to finally get an appointment). I'm not really looking forward to this appointment... if you know me you know I don't like doctors. I am prone to anxiety and high blood pressure any time I have an appointment with a doctor - doesn't matter what it is - it's definitely an area of weakness and worry for me. I believe the appointment should go well and be fine - but there's always those seeds of doubt planted in my mind. And of course it will probably be difficult discussing losing Hailey and discussing the possibilities of continuing our family...and of course it's complicated in my mind by the fact that it's surrounded by Babylost Mother's Day and Mother's Day...What timing for that one...So I will need to be praying for peace as we go into that appointment.

Next up is May 6th - the 4 month anniversary of Hailey going to Heaven. Another bittersweet day filled with sorrow and joy. I'm really praying it will be full of peace and joy because I can already foresee this anniversary being one of the hardest since it comes 3 days before Mother's Day.

And then May 9th - Mother's Day. <BIG SIGH> I don't know about this one...Confession, I am kind of afraid. A church we recently visited mentioned how they will be celebrating their mothers and their children on that day - you know stand up - be acknowledged by the church - and that they will be doing some infant dedications on that day. And all the while if I were to place myself in their church on Mother's Day - I would remain seated and my heart would be crushed as I saw all the babies and moms being celebrated. And no one knows all the while that there is a mother who is silent and sitting struggling with the loss of her baby... and perhaps more than just me. But thankfully, and I hate to say that, but thankfully, we will not be going back to that church on Mother's Day - but then I fear what the service will be like at our own church... will I even be able to handle it? Should I even go? ... I already hate thinking about it...

I won't be able to celebrate the day like any 'normal' mom out there...but I'd still like to celebrate it... I still am a mother after all... my baby is just in Heaven. But I wonder if anyone will remember me on that day? Will they stop themselves from saying anything to me that day out of a fear of not knowing what to do or out of not wanting to bring pain to me? Well I will tell you, I don't want anyone to ignore me on that day.  Remembering me on that day will not bring me pain - no one can bring me more pain than I already feel - mentioning Hailey and remembering I'm still a mom I can promise you will bring me more warmth and comfort than anything negative. So when Mother's Day roles around... will you remember me? I'm trying not to be selfish when I ask that... but I am afraid of that day and the feelings I might feel... and the worst thing is the world going about its business, ignoring me even though in my mind I'm still a mother...I don't want to be forgotten just like I don't want Hailey to be forgotten. And would you maybe say some extra prayers for me on that day? I know it's a couple of weeks away...

So yea... My insides get all twisted when I think about that week. So many sad and difficult days all crammed into one week. <another sigh> This is my world now...And I must keep moving along and face these things - and try to take them day by day. I know my feelings of fear and worry are not from God and they are just a way for Satan to attack me and get me down... Hopefully being aware of the potential difficulties that lie ahead can allow me to prepare with prayer so that God will turn them to joys instead.

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;

my sighing is not hidden from you.

My heart pounds, my strength fails me;

even the light has gone from my eyes.

My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds...

be not far away from me, O my God.

Come quickly to help me,

O Lord my Savior."

Psalm 38: 9-11, 21-22