Bitterness is easy

“Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky,

are best relieved by the letting of a little water.” ~Antoine Rivarol

Well the other night, the night of my last post, I started deeply missing Hailey. And of course I cried as the dull aching that comes along with the depths of that loneliness and longing for her swept over me. I haven't had that happen in a long time. In fact, I thought to myself as I cried, "It's about time." The flood gates opened back up to release some of the pain and anger and bitterness of unaddressed things in my grief. It felt good to release some tears. Not that missing her and crying ever feels good... but tears really do help heal and eventually bring relief.

(and by the way, when I say that I haven't missed Hailey and cried in a long time, I don't want you to think I haven't missed her or been sad in a long time. Rather, I mean I haven't been to that level in a long time. I miss her every single day (and could cry every single day if I let myself)...but I've come to learn that there almost different depths, levels, kinds of sorrows involved in grief...)

I don't know what triggered the longing and missing and crying. Could have been any of a million things. But if I had to pick something, it would probably be the thoughts and feelings that came up when I wrote my last post.

While I cried, I thought mostly about how much I missed holding her, feeling the weight of her in my arms. And my thoughts wandered to the last time I held her...after she had passed...how different it was holding her than that I thought it would be...And all those memories and feelings of that day came back. (Those are the difficult things that I don't like to think about.) And my mind wandered to other places that I don't like to spend time thinking about... the 'not good' places...the places that can get me in trouble with feelings of guilt and bring me to an unhealthy place...

I've written this before: When we had Hailey, we never knew when she'd pass. We were told that the cause of her death would likely be an infection of some sort that her body wouldn't be able to fight. And she'd probably have a fever and be gone within 24 hours. And when she ran a fever... we never thought anything of it... and I get so mad... why didn't I think anything of it? What made me think she'd be fine? What made me forget?

And I remember everyone asking if she showed any signs of being sick or that anything was wrong... did she look different? behave different? anything? No. I didn't notice anything.

But now...when I look at her pictures... I can see it. I can see when she starts to look unhealthy. When she looks like she's starting to fade. I can see it in the pictures now. And that makes me mad. I hate that. I can barely look at some of those photos that we took in her last couple of days. Why can I see it now, but I couldn't see it then?

It's frustrating. It makes me mad. It makes me feel guilty. I should have known. And I know that these are the things that will ruin me.

In thinking about these things a couple of days ago, I had a deeper understanding of something. It really is so much easier to be angry and bitter about a million things that involve Hailey's loss. It's so easy to be mad. It's so easy to be resentful. It's so easy to feel guilty. Bitterness is easy. And it's dangerous.

I do not want to be angry about anything involving Hailey. And in most days God helps me get my perspective centered on Him and allows me to get it right. But that takes effort. It's hard dealing with all those ugly feelings and those thoughts. It's not wrong to feel those things or think those things. But it's wrong if I live in them and dwell on them and become bitter. The easy way is the destructive way.

Instead, I am choosing to 'survive' and rise above the regrets, the guilt, the anger. And it's hard. It's a daily battle. But it's worth it. I've seen the rewards of the fight. The forgiveness. The hope. The peace. The joy. The strength. The love. And it's worth fighting for. But it's still hard.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger...Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. ~Ephesians 4:31-32

Is there anything that you are angry or bitter about? The death of a loved one? A divorce? Feeling cheated or betrayed by a friend, a co-worker? What is it? I dare you to identify it and own it. And more importantly, to rise above it.