Hailey's 4 Month Birthday, Let the Light Shine

Today, April 1, 2010 is not remembered for being April Fool's Day. To me, April 1st is the day that would have been Hailey's 4 month birthday. I really can't believe she would have been that old!

As I mentioned in last month's post. Today I am choosing not to be full of sadness that Hailey is not here to celebrate being 4 months old. Instead, I am choosing to celebrate her life. From the moment God started knitting her together in my womb (which was a little over a year ago) to the moment I last held her and kissed her goodnight. She was with me for 9 months (in my belly) and 36 days (in my arms). Today I thank God for her life. Her short but amazing life. I know that I say that a lot, but I can't say it enough.

Who would have thought such a tiny 5lb fragile baby girl who only lived a little over a month on this earth could have made such an impact - on my life, mine and my husband's lives, and the lives of some of my family and friends...

Of course I miss her today, I do everyday. But the joy and love I have in remembering her and remembering the times we shared together as mother and daughter fills any empty place in my heart today. What an amazing feeling of being a parent. I love it and thank God for it. Today I focus on the gifts God has given me which include the list above, which includes the short life of my daughter.

So as I remember and celebrate Hailey's life, I have a candle lit in her honor. The candle is meaningful to me and took me sometime to find. As I shopped for just the right candle, I had many options to choose from. The reason I chose this one (for now at least :)) is because of the verse on it. That is my prayer for myself and Josh today on Hailey's would have been birthday. Today has great potential to be a difficult and dark day. So not only do I want to remember Hailey with joy and happiness, I want to remember to trust in God. On these days, I am praying that God fills Josh and I with joy and peace as we remember Hailey and trust completely in him. Would you pray that prayer for us too?

As I wrote on Hailey's 3 month birthday, the light of the candle is symbolic and meaningful to me for many reasons. It represents how her life still shines in my life even though she is not here with me. It reminds me that her life shines of God's love, whether you believe it or not, it does. And of course, it symbolizes my choice to live my life in God's light and to be His light before men. Not to mention, the significance behind light's ability to chase away the darkness...

Here are some of the verses on light behind why I am choosing to light a candle on Hailey's birthdays from now on:

"God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from allsin." 1 John 1:5-7

In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world." John 1:4-9

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven." Matthew 5:16

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To my munchkin at home with God, Hailey, you were a light in my life and will always be a source of light that brings joy and happiness and love to my heart. I am so thankful God blessed us with you. Even though you aren't here to celebrate your 4 month birthday with us, know that we're thinking of you and loving you with all of our hearts. We're sending our hugs and kisses to you today (and always). I'm praying God shows you something new and spectacular today as I'm sure he does everyday. I had a daydream today that Jesus had you in his hands and was holding you down so you could reach me. You were smiling with your chubby little cheeks and your eyes were shimmering with happiness and love. You didn't have to say it but I know you were thinking 'Hi, Mommy! It's so good to see you and see you happy. I love you so much!" and then you gave me a kiss and then I kissed your cheeks and breathed in that beautiful floral baby smell of yours. And then Jesus brought you back close to him and you both smiled and waved goodbye to me. God gave me a glimpse of Heaven with you and I loved it. Love you always, Mom (and Dad, and Opie of course).

Grief and Spiritual Warfare

Well despite being hit with some severe allergies or a cold... I still haven't decided which it is... I am doing pretty well still. I hit a few bumps on my journey out of grief and into peace in the last week. But thankfully I've ended up with my head above water.

As strange as it may sound, I can feel myself drifting away from God. Not intentionally, but I can feel it happening. I've never felt closer to God than in the months of December and January (when Hailey came into this world and when she left it).

But now as things seem to be going better for me, I don't feel that closeness as strongly.

Why is it that when our lives are going well, we drift away from God? Why is it that when the floor drops out from under us and our lives collapse, we become closer to God than ever before?

I don't like that tendency.  At least that's how it seems for my life, I don't know about yours.

Maybe it's that I feel as though I'm doing well and don't need God as much anymore? But if that's true I'm doing it sub-consciously because I know with full confidence that I still need him just as much.

Thankfully, I'm aware of this which allows me to do something about it. I don't want to drift away from God and find myself relying more on me and less on Him.

I truly think that grief is a form of spiritual warfare. Satan is right there eagerly waiting for our moments of weakness and despair when we are feeling tired and vulnerable. Grief is a perfect opportunity for him to take advantage of us and work destruction in us. The guilt, the selfishness, the what ifs, and so on that so often accompany grief and fill the minds of the grieving can easily ruin us if we are not on guard (I'm betting that those thoughts are not from God).

Therefore, combining my awareness of my tendency to drift away from God and wander out on my own when my life is going better with my awareness of grief as spiritual warfare, I pray a certain prayer every morning that looks something like this: First, I thank God for working his healing in my life and blessing me with so much. (Everything I was thanking him for during the month of November in honor of Thanksgiving on my Facebook, I am still thankful for and they are still blessings in my life.) Second, I pray that God would continue to heal me.  And last, I pray that God would fill me with His Holy Spirit, give me His strength and peace so I am prepared when I encounter situations that might be difficult emotionally (like going grocery shopping and seeing all the babies and moms), and protect me against any lies or traps Satan is trying to set for me.

In the past with my grief, God's word, prayer, and worship were things I clung to in order to survive. Now I don't feel that desperation and dependence as strongly. So I need to make more of an effort to continue my lifestyle of constant prayer, worship, time in God's word, etc. so that I can stay close to God and not fall into any traps waiting to bring me down. I need to put on my armor of God every morning.

The Armor of God - Ephesians 6:

¹⁰Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

A Poem from a Childless Mother

Tired Posted by Franchesca Cox

A symbol of life, a year later, a symbol of death

Well, it's Sunday night, and the weekend is coming to a close. Tomorrow casual conversations will include the question, "What did you do this weekend?"

I'm not sure if I get asked that tomorrow I could be open with my answer... I wouldn't lie, I might say:

Overall my weekend was nice. My husband and I somehow ended up have two date nights that involved going out to dinner. The weather was gorgeous and we took advantage of it by going on a 2 mile walk Saturday and today with our dog Opie. We watched a couple of movies, did some yard work, went to church, and of course Josh studied a lot.

And that is the truth. But I'm leaving something out. Something, morbid, you could say. And if you don't want to read about morbid, then you should probably just skip this post. I understand.

Today I finally forced myself to sit down in front of my computer and start to research something I have been putting off for a month.

So what did I spend my Sunday afternoon doing?

Shopping for my daughter's headstone for her grave.

We hadn't bought her one yet because they wouldn't be able to put it in until spring because the ground had been frozen from the winter.

When I started looking for one I did okay at first. Became a little choked up as my eyes studied the tiny flat grave markers with etchings of a pacifier, a teddy bear, blocks spelling out the word 'Baby.'

How utterly depressing. I couldn't avoid the heart break involved in this. But I was doing okay until I started to become frustrated. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know where to look. I didn't know what I (we) wanted. I found numerous websites, but many with little selection...I came across nothing I felt worthy of using as Hailey's grave marker.

And as I write this I will be honest. I hate writing those words... "Hailey's grave marker" "Hailey's headstone" "Hailey's grave" ... I hate thinking those words. I hate the task we have at hand.

So as I searched, my frustrations opened a path for my tears to come forth. And eventually I had to walk away from the computer and go sit outside and just cry. I've started to classify my cries. It wasn't a sobbing, it wasn't a weeping, it wasn't the kind of crying that involved silent tears, it was just plain old crying.

Shopping for your own baby's grave marker is just as depressing as it sounds. It's terrible.

So we haven't chosen a grave marker yet. I've found a couple that I think would be nice. But I had to stop 'shopping' today and give myself a break...it really drained me emotionally. I know this will sound funny, put picking out her headstone is a lot harder than I thought it would be for different reasons than I thought it'd be. It's weird that in some respect her life here comes down to a representation of her life on a granite stone. But I want to get it just right. I know these earthly things are only temporary and Hailey's soul did not die with her body and who she really is is more than her body in a grave, but that doesn't change how I feel about wanting a nice marker for where her body lies.

This whole 'task' makes me get close to that place of resentment... where I think I shouldn't be shopping for my baby's headstone, I should be shopping for new clothes for her since she's growing so big....but I'm not.

One year ago yesterday I took a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant with Hailey.

Never in a million years would I have imagined that one year from that day I would have buried her 3 months ago and be shopping for her headstone. Never in a million years....

Last year at this time my mind was thinking LIFE. Now a year later my mind is thinking DEATH. <sigh>

Life is so fleeting... so brief... Scripture says our life is...

Job 14:1 - Few days, like a flower
II Samuel 14:14 - Like water spilt on the ground
Psalm 103:15-16 - Like grass, leaving no memory
I Chronicles 29:15 - Like a shadow, it will not stay
James 4:14 - Like a mist or the vapor from a pot
Job 7:6-7 - Like a weaver's shuttle, or the wind
Psalm 78:39 - Like a wind
Psalm 90:9 - Like a sigh
Job 9:25-26 - Like a swift messenger, a swift ship, or a swooping eagle

And here I am...understanding that more than I'd like sometimes, wishing my daughter didn't have to teach me that one.

Shopping for Hailey's grave marker sucks (for lack of a better phrase). It does. Yes I can find healing and joy and the like during this time of mourning, but it doesn't change the fact that this whole thing just sucks sometimes. But I have to trust in God. His ways are greater than mine.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Isaiah 55:9

So pretty morbid, pretty depressing I know...

But after 'shopping' today, I do have a few ideas now... and I will continue the search for one that I feel is appropriate for her...