I'm not sure if I get asked that tomorrow I could be open with my answer... I wouldn't lie, I might say:
Overall my weekend was nice. My husband and I somehow ended up have two date nights that involved going out to dinner. The weather was gorgeous and we took advantage of it by going on a 2 mile walk Saturday and today with our dog Opie. We watched a couple of movies, did some yard work, went to church, and of course Josh studied a lot.
And that is the truth. But I'm leaving something out. Something, morbid, you could say. And if you don't want to read about morbid, then you should probably just skip this post. I understand.
Today I finally forced myself to sit down in front of my computer and start to research something I have been putting off for a month.
So what did I spend my Sunday afternoon doing?
Shopping for my daughter's headstone for her grave.
We hadn't bought her one yet because they wouldn't be able to put it in until spring because the ground had been frozen from the winter.
When I started looking for one I did okay at first. Became a little choked up as my eyes studied the tiny flat grave markers with etchings of a pacifier, a teddy bear, blocks spelling out the word 'Baby.'
How utterly depressing. I couldn't avoid the heart break involved in this. But I was doing okay until I started to become frustrated. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know where to look. I didn't know what I (we) wanted. I found numerous websites, but many with little selection...I came across nothing I felt worthy of using as Hailey's grave marker.
And as I write this I will be honest. I hate writing those words... "Hailey's grave marker" "Hailey's headstone" "Hailey's grave" ... I hate thinking those words. I hate the task we have at hand.
So as I searched, my frustrations opened a path for my tears to come forth. And eventually I had to walk away from the computer and go sit outside and just cry. I've started to classify my cries. It wasn't a sobbing, it wasn't a weeping, it wasn't the kind of crying that involved silent tears, it was just plain old crying.
Shopping for your own baby's grave marker is just as depressing as it sounds. It's terrible.
So we haven't chosen a grave marker yet. I've found a couple that I think would be nice. But I had to stop 'shopping' today and give myself a break...it really drained me emotionally. I know this will sound funny, put picking out her headstone is a lot harder than I thought it would be for different reasons than I thought it'd be. It's weird that in some respect her life here comes down to a representation of her life on a granite stone. But I want to get it just right. I know these earthly things are only temporary and Hailey's soul did not die with her body and who she really is is more than her body in a grave, but that doesn't change how I feel about wanting a nice marker for where her body lies.
This whole 'task' makes me get close to that place of resentment... where I think I shouldn't be shopping for my baby's headstone, I should be shopping for new clothes for her since she's growing so big....but I'm not.
One year ago yesterday I took a home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant with Hailey.
Never in a million years would I have imagined that one year from that day I would have buried her 3 months ago and be shopping for her headstone. Never in a million years....
Last year at this time my mind was thinking LIFE. Now a year later my mind is thinking DEATH. <sigh>
Life is so fleeting... so brief... Scripture says our life is...
Job 14:1 - Few days, like a flower
II Samuel 14:14 - Like water spilt on the ground
Psalm 103:15-16 - Like grass, leaving no memory
I Chronicles 29:15 - Like a shadow, it will not stay
James 4:14 - Like a mist or the vapor from a pot
Job 7:6-7 - Like a weaver's shuttle, or the wind
Psalm 78:39 - Like a wind
Psalm 90:9 - Like a sigh
Job 9:25-26 - Like a swift messenger, a swift ship, or a swooping eagle
And here I am...understanding that more than I'd like sometimes, wishing my daughter didn't have to teach me that one.
Shopping for Hailey's grave marker sucks (for lack of a better phrase). It does. Yes I can find healing and joy and the like during this time of mourning, but it doesn't change the fact that this whole thing just sucks sometimes. But I have to trust in God. His ways are greater than mine.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:9
So pretty morbid, pretty depressing I know...
But after 'shopping' today, I do have a few ideas now... and I will continue the search for one that I feel is appropriate for her...
I didn't realize that you guys didn't have a marker for Hailey yet. It makes sense, I feel kind of dumb for not thinking of it. My grandpa's headstone is sinking (it's one of those flat ones that is just at ground level) and my dad mentions every great once in a while getting a new one but when I mention actually going to pick one and just get it over with, he won't do it. I think he chooses to just not think of it that much because it makes him sad. I'm sorry you have to do this. I remember when you told me you were pregnant at Za's! We went shopping at Plato's Closet for maternity clothes for when your belly grew :) What a fun day that was-and Hailey was every bit as precious as you dreamed she'd be. Who knows what the next year has in store for you, friend.
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