Hi readers,
I come to you tonight with a short but important post. I'm currently 37.5 weeks (full term) and my due date is quickly approaching. The emotional roller coaster I've been riding this entire pregnancy is continuing, and possibly getting scarier if I were to be honest. We continue to have a lot of reason to hope for the best but there have been enough "things" scattered along the way that have allowed for seeds of doubt and some reason to wonder if we will again face a loss or an unhealthy baby.
I've come to a place where I have somewhat given God a rebellious attitude telling him I will not be okay, and I do not want him to choose another path for me that involves a child of mine being unhealthy and possibly dying. However, from the beginning I surrendered to God and accepted this as a possible reality, even as slight as it might be. Somewhere along the way, perhaps as I fell more deeply in love with my son, that the possibility of him having a disorder, whether fatal or not, and even though slight, became unbearably painful and gave birth to an excess of anxieties and fears.
I've battled with myself and with God more times than I can count, wanting God's will to be done and trusting his plan is greater and better than my own, but fearing his will is calling me to another traumatic event, another hardship, another sick child...
So here's where I am at tonight. Every time I battle with the above thoughts, I feel so distressed I can't begin to describe it. The only way for me to have peace is to once again come to the place of surrendering my hopes and dreams and my son to God and come to the place where I will accept his will, even if it includes those things I don't want, those things that make me cry to imagine, those things I fear...
I need prayer that I can come to a place where I can surrender and be at peace if God's plan is for another baby of ours to have a chromosomal disorder yet at the same time be hopeful that God can work miracles and that God's plan might match my dreams of our son being born completely healthy and perfect. And it's so hard because those are two very different things to prepare for and do at the same time...
As time draws nearer and nearer for me to meet my son and know once and for all if he is going to be healthy or not, I am becoming more and more vulnerable, more and more emotional, and becoming more and more susceptible to fears and worries and sorrow... I really need God to prepare my heart for whatever is in store because right now I am a broken mess.
Sometimes I feel bad asking so many people in so many ways for prayers, but sometimes I just don't know what else to do than pray and have others pray for me when I'm so exhausted myself.
~
On a side note, I was catching up on some blogs today that I follow and read this post by Angie Smith... Sometimes only the words of a mother who has experienced burying her baby can bring me comfort because there are some things that only "babylost" mothers understand about life... And so I read this post that she wrote and was very moved by it. I thought it was beautiful and I needed to share it. Please read.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Updates & Thoughts on Hailey
First, some updates...
My husband and I enjoyed a long 5 day holiday weekend (yes, 5 days!). We spent some of our free time together buying those necessities we still needed for baby boy, and we also ventured to Babies R Us and created a registry. Thankfully, after a roller coaster of a week emotionally for me, our baby shopping adventures went quite well. I think it was helpful for us to do the shopping and registering together. I didn't really get too sad or emotional. Instead, shopping made us both really excited... which is good but again is a scary thing for me. At this point, it's pretty hard not to be excited to meet our little guy and start dreaming of a future with him... but I still have that nagging in the back of my mind that I could be "let down" again...
Yesterday marked my 36th week of pregnancy. 1 more week until I'm considered full term. 4 more weeks to baby boy's due date. Again, as the time is drawing nearer and nearer to August 3rd, I can't help but be excited. One part of me wants him to come right now so I can be done waiting for him and just meet him and hold him already. But another part of me wants him to stay in my belly as long as possible because I know he's safe and sound in there and I don't have to worry about NICUs or things like that. So that part of me continues to cherish every day of this pregnancy. Also yesterday I had another appointment with my midwife and thankfully everything continues to look good although no signs that baby boy is going to make his debut any time soon.
Last but not least for the updates, my husband and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary yesterday. We didn't have anything spectacular planned (we did just go on an awesome vacation last month, had fun with fireworks and things this past weekend, have a concert planned for this coming weekend, and not to mention it's hard to plan something on a work day), but we had a great anniversary nonetheless. My husband surprised me with a beautiful card and beautiful flowers when he came home, and thankfully there was a change in our schedules that allowed us to enjoy a nice romantic dinner out. We had lots of fun reminiscing about various moments in our lives and relationship. I hope we can always hold such great conversations even as we become an old married couple. Our marriage has seen more hardships and struggles than most can imagine in the first four years I'm sure, but I am so thankful that God has sustained us and so thankful to be married to a wonderful man who continues to be my best friend. I can only hope and pray that God will redeem our seasons of pain with more seasons of joy in the coming years.
~
So I thought I'd take some time to write a little about where my heart and mind are right now in terms of living without Hailey. As I've written before, I've felt a lot of deja vu with this pregnancy reminding me so much of Hailey and that has been a difficult thing and at times contributed to a lot of my fears this time around. However something that I haven't really written about yet is that as my belly has grown rounder and as my due date quickly approaches, talking about Hailey has become quite difficult for me.
Since Hailey passed away, I really haven't minded talking about her. I've always wanted and even "enjoyed" opportunities to talk about her. At times I've struggled with how to answer the question "Do you have any children?" because I don't ever want to act like I never had a daughter, but answering that question honestly can be hard and awkward as I've written about before. But despite the difficulties and awkwardness, whenever I've been asked that question or a related one, I've taken a deep breath and dared to be open and mention Hailey and our loss. And I've always been able to do so with a strength and courage and perspective that allowed me to share about her with a love and joy instead of with pain and sorrow.
Lately however, it's really hard for me to share about Hailey in that way. Being in the Army, we continue to be presented with situations where we are meeting new people. Now people see that I'm pregnant and as a result we often get asked if this is our first pregnancy at which point we respond with no this is our second. I don't usually venture much further with an explanation unless there's further inquiry at which point it becomes quite hard to share our story (part of me now is hoping they don't inquire further when before I would hope they would). Most of the time when this happens lately I'm with my husband and I can look to him to answer and explain because I know I can't without crying - even as I listen to him explain I often have to hold back the tears now. As odd as it might be for someone to hear this, I still want people to know we had a daughter even though doing so has become quite hard.
I think, if I can adequately put it into words, one of the reasons I can't contain the pain and sorrow now when these questions come up is because this new pregnancy has made me miss Hailey in a new way and to a new depth. Now there is so much focus on the loss or void I have without her, whereas before I could focus on the brief time she was with us and filled our lives. Also, I think it's because I have so much fear that after losing our first child we will also lose the one growing inside of me, the thought of which is obviously unbearable painful....
So this has been and remains a current challenge I'm experiencing as a babylost and expectant mom.
My husband and I enjoyed a long 5 day holiday weekend (yes, 5 days!). We spent some of our free time together buying those necessities we still needed for baby boy, and we also ventured to Babies R Us and created a registry. Thankfully, after a roller coaster of a week emotionally for me, our baby shopping adventures went quite well. I think it was helpful for us to do the shopping and registering together. I didn't really get too sad or emotional. Instead, shopping made us both really excited... which is good but again is a scary thing for me. At this point, it's pretty hard not to be excited to meet our little guy and start dreaming of a future with him... but I still have that nagging in the back of my mind that I could be "let down" again...
Yesterday marked my 36th week of pregnancy. 1 more week until I'm considered full term. 4 more weeks to baby boy's due date. Again, as the time is drawing nearer and nearer to August 3rd, I can't help but be excited. One part of me wants him to come right now so I can be done waiting for him and just meet him and hold him already. But another part of me wants him to stay in my belly as long as possible because I know he's safe and sound in there and I don't have to worry about NICUs or things like that. So that part of me continues to cherish every day of this pregnancy. Also yesterday I had another appointment with my midwife and thankfully everything continues to look good although no signs that baby boy is going to make his debut any time soon.
Last but not least for the updates, my husband and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary yesterday. We didn't have anything spectacular planned (we did just go on an awesome vacation last month, had fun with fireworks and things this past weekend, have a concert planned for this coming weekend, and not to mention it's hard to plan something on a work day), but we had a great anniversary nonetheless. My husband surprised me with a beautiful card and beautiful flowers when he came home, and thankfully there was a change in our schedules that allowed us to enjoy a nice romantic dinner out. We had lots of fun reminiscing about various moments in our lives and relationship. I hope we can always hold such great conversations even as we become an old married couple. Our marriage has seen more hardships and struggles than most can imagine in the first four years I'm sure, but I am so thankful that God has sustained us and so thankful to be married to a wonderful man who continues to be my best friend. I can only hope and pray that God will redeem our seasons of pain with more seasons of joy in the coming years.
~
So I thought I'd take some time to write a little about where my heart and mind are right now in terms of living without Hailey. As I've written before, I've felt a lot of deja vu with this pregnancy reminding me so much of Hailey and that has been a difficult thing and at times contributed to a lot of my fears this time around. However something that I haven't really written about yet is that as my belly has grown rounder and as my due date quickly approaches, talking about Hailey has become quite difficult for me.
Since Hailey passed away, I really haven't minded talking about her. I've always wanted and even "enjoyed" opportunities to talk about her. At times I've struggled with how to answer the question "Do you have any children?" because I don't ever want to act like I never had a daughter, but answering that question honestly can be hard and awkward as I've written about before. But despite the difficulties and awkwardness, whenever I've been asked that question or a related one, I've taken a deep breath and dared to be open and mention Hailey and our loss. And I've always been able to do so with a strength and courage and perspective that allowed me to share about her with a love and joy instead of with pain and sorrow.
Lately however, it's really hard for me to share about Hailey in that way. Being in the Army, we continue to be presented with situations where we are meeting new people. Now people see that I'm pregnant and as a result we often get asked if this is our first pregnancy at which point we respond with no this is our second. I don't usually venture much further with an explanation unless there's further inquiry at which point it becomes quite hard to share our story (part of me now is hoping they don't inquire further when before I would hope they would). Most of the time when this happens lately I'm with my husband and I can look to him to answer and explain because I know I can't without crying - even as I listen to him explain I often have to hold back the tears now. As odd as it might be for someone to hear this, I still want people to know we had a daughter even though doing so has become quite hard.
I think, if I can adequately put it into words, one of the reasons I can't contain the pain and sorrow now when these questions come up is because this new pregnancy has made me miss Hailey in a new way and to a new depth. Now there is so much focus on the loss or void I have without her, whereas before I could focus on the brief time she was with us and filled our lives. Also, I think it's because I have so much fear that after losing our first child we will also lose the one growing inside of me, the thought of which is obviously unbearable painful....
So this has been and remains a current challenge I'm experiencing as a babylost and expectant mom.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
5 Weeks & Dare I Say Excited?
As of yesterday, I have 5 weeks left until my due date, and finally for the first time last night I was kept awake with what I consider to be a "good" anxiety... close to the kind you get (or got as a kid) on Christmas Eve. My "good" anxiety being that I was/ am anxious and excited to be getting so close to meeting my little man! The day I've been waiting for is closely approaching, and it's going to be here before I know! That's when I started to realize I really haven't done anything to prepare for him (which has mostly been out of fears and negative anxieties and worries that I've written about multiple times).
Not only was yesterday my 35 week marker, but I was also convicted yesterday, and I think both of those things led me to the place of finally being excited and anxious to prepare for and meet our baby boy.
You see, this past weekend, was a very difficult time for me, one of the worst I've had since becoming pregnant. I became overwhelmed at thoughts of having to plan and prepare for pediatricians and family visits and buying baby things. Those things tend to be easy for first time moms, but for those of us who are pregnant after a loss, those things are difficult. We planned for a future with our child and did those things once before, only to have those plans and future crumble in an instant, and the pain when that happens is indescrible. Therefore, it's hard to plan for a future with another child because we're bombarded with fears associated with our past experiences - at least that's true in my case.
But long story short, after having some very difficult days this past week, during which I put all those discussions and decisions we needed to have and make on hold, I became convicted yesterday.
Yesterday, in going about my recent habits of worrying about these future plans and decisions I needed to start making and becoming sad, fearful, and so on, thoughts popped into my head that literally stopped me in my tracks. In fact, the first thought I had was literally, "Stop." Just over and over again in my head telling myself to stop this negative behavior of mine. And then I began what I consider was like a pep talk with myself - or perhaps it was God convicting me through his Holy Spirit (I hope it was the second otherwise I feel like a crazy person).
Here's what came to my mind.
Why am I acting like my worst case scenario is going to happen? There is a 1-2% chance it will, but there's also a 98-99% chance that I will have my dream come true of giving birth to a healthy baby boy.
Nothing has changed since I first heard these statistics a few months after losing Hailey when we first sat down with a genetic counselor. Of course I would prefer a 0% chance of anything bad happening - but no one even has that. There's always been hope and encouragement from genetic counselors and doctors that we would go on to have a healthy child and even from reading past stories of couples whose first child had Trisomy 18 and they go on to have several healthy children. But somewhere I lost that hope and became focused on that 1-2% chance. Why? I didn't know. Or perhaps Satan knew it was my weak spot and has delighted at trying to destroy me by focusing me on it....
I've continued to have reassurance from doctors that our son is healthy and everything appears to be developing and functioning normally. Everything they've seen gives us reason to believe our son is healthy. However, I've had a tough time believing that because everything seemed to indicate Hailey was healthy as well... But then I remind myself that doctors have been more cautious about this pregnancy, and we've had a more in depth ultrasound that seemed to check everything possible, and still they see no indicators of anything being wrong. They give me so much reason to believe and hope our son is healthy - so why do I act convinced like he's not? Not to mention this pregnancy has continued very smoothly with no complications. I'm 5 weeks away from my due date, and I have yet to experience the same swelling and high blood pressure I had last time (which wasn't a big deal) - but still, I've been almost waiting for some complication to arise this time to make me more doubtful, but so far it hasn't.
Speaking from facts and statistics and everything that's happened so far in this pregnancy, I have so much reason to be thankful to be complication free and have a healthy baby boy growing inside of me, and I have so much reason to be hopeful that our son will be born perfect and healthy and my dreams might just in fact come true. Yet I'm not living like that.
What reason do I have to doubt? The 1-2% chance. It's starting to sound ridiculous to me. The fact that there was something wrong with my first baby. Well that doesn't mean for certain that something will be wrong with my second.
I look back on this pregnancy and can only be thankful for it. Really, it's been almost a picture perfect pregnancy. And really the only thing that's been holding me back with rejoicing in it like I've so desperately wanted to be able to, is the emotions associated with our past experiences with Hailey.
Yesterday, I was convicted by the truth that I have so much to be thankful for this pregnancy and that this pregnancy has really been wonderful and that I really do have so much reason to hope for our son to be healthy. I even let myself spend time thinking what if my dream does come true? I've never let myself really think about it at the fear of being 'disappointed' and crushed if it doesn't come true... But I thought about it. What if in 5 weeks I do meet our son? What if he is placed on my chest after he's born and I can hold him? What if he is actually healthy and perfect? What if we can take him home with us? What if we can raise him and see him grow into a man? What if my dreams do come true?
Because they can and they might.
What if my dreams come true for our son, how will I reflect back on my pregnancy with him? If I have a healthy son and reflect back on my pregnancy, I feel ridiculous for spending so much of it in turmoil, pain, sorrow, and fear - all for nothing.
Maybe God is giving me this pregnancy and all the reasons I have to be hopeful so that I can actually be hopeful and to prepare me for giving me the things I hope for... Dare I think that? That's been such a bold, hard thought to have...
Even if it turns out the 1-2% chance I fear coming true, comes true... Maybe God was giving me a 'reassuring' pregnancy so that I could enjoy it. But I haven't as much as I've wanted to.
So yesterday, I told myself to stop it. Live in the encouragement, reassurance, and hope I've been given this pregnancy... and act (which includes preparing) like I might just have my dreams come true of having my baby boy born healthy, free of disorders, free of complications, free of any health problems...
And so, I spent time time yesterday doing a little research on pediatricians and vaccines and newborn photographers. And last night my mind was consumed with thoughts of all the things I still need to do to prepare for our little guy... write up our birth plan, go shopping and create a registry, work a little more on his nursery (even though we're still just doing the minimum in terms of shopping and decorating)... but still, there's lots to be done and soon there's going to be little time to do it! And instead of being fearful or worried or sad, it all actually made me happy, and I'm excited to feel "ready" for him...
I just pray this sense of peace and hope and being able to look to the future with a joy will last through the rest of this pregnancy (because I already feel my excitement over the possibility of my dreams coming true being attacked). And I pray that the remaining weeks I have left until baby boy makes his debut will continue to be complication free and go smoothly.
Not only was yesterday my 35 week marker, but I was also convicted yesterday, and I think both of those things led me to the place of finally being excited and anxious to prepare for and meet our baby boy.
You see, this past weekend, was a very difficult time for me, one of the worst I've had since becoming pregnant. I became overwhelmed at thoughts of having to plan and prepare for pediatricians and family visits and buying baby things. Those things tend to be easy for first time moms, but for those of us who are pregnant after a loss, those things are difficult. We planned for a future with our child and did those things once before, only to have those plans and future crumble in an instant, and the pain when that happens is indescrible. Therefore, it's hard to plan for a future with another child because we're bombarded with fears associated with our past experiences - at least that's true in my case.
But long story short, after having some very difficult days this past week, during which I put all those discussions and decisions we needed to have and make on hold, I became convicted yesterday.
Yesterday, in going about my recent habits of worrying about these future plans and decisions I needed to start making and becoming sad, fearful, and so on, thoughts popped into my head that literally stopped me in my tracks. In fact, the first thought I had was literally, "Stop." Just over and over again in my head telling myself to stop this negative behavior of mine. And then I began what I consider was like a pep talk with myself - or perhaps it was God convicting me through his Holy Spirit (I hope it was the second otherwise I feel like a crazy person).
Here's what came to my mind.
Why am I acting like my worst case scenario is going to happen? There is a 1-2% chance it will, but there's also a 98-99% chance that I will have my dream come true of giving birth to a healthy baby boy.
Nothing has changed since I first heard these statistics a few months after losing Hailey when we first sat down with a genetic counselor. Of course I would prefer a 0% chance of anything bad happening - but no one even has that. There's always been hope and encouragement from genetic counselors and doctors that we would go on to have a healthy child and even from reading past stories of couples whose first child had Trisomy 18 and they go on to have several healthy children. But somewhere I lost that hope and became focused on that 1-2% chance. Why? I didn't know. Or perhaps Satan knew it was my weak spot and has delighted at trying to destroy me by focusing me on it....
I've continued to have reassurance from doctors that our son is healthy and everything appears to be developing and functioning normally. Everything they've seen gives us reason to believe our son is healthy. However, I've had a tough time believing that because everything seemed to indicate Hailey was healthy as well... But then I remind myself that doctors have been more cautious about this pregnancy, and we've had a more in depth ultrasound that seemed to check everything possible, and still they see no indicators of anything being wrong. They give me so much reason to believe and hope our son is healthy - so why do I act convinced like he's not? Not to mention this pregnancy has continued very smoothly with no complications. I'm 5 weeks away from my due date, and I have yet to experience the same swelling and high blood pressure I had last time (which wasn't a big deal) - but still, I've been almost waiting for some complication to arise this time to make me more doubtful, but so far it hasn't.
Speaking from facts and statistics and everything that's happened so far in this pregnancy, I have so much reason to be thankful to be complication free and have a healthy baby boy growing inside of me, and I have so much reason to be hopeful that our son will be born perfect and healthy and my dreams might just in fact come true. Yet I'm not living like that.
What reason do I have to doubt? The 1-2% chance. It's starting to sound ridiculous to me. The fact that there was something wrong with my first baby. Well that doesn't mean for certain that something will be wrong with my second.
I look back on this pregnancy and can only be thankful for it. Really, it's been almost a picture perfect pregnancy. And really the only thing that's been holding me back with rejoicing in it like I've so desperately wanted to be able to, is the emotions associated with our past experiences with Hailey.
Yesterday, I was convicted by the truth that I have so much to be thankful for this pregnancy and that this pregnancy has really been wonderful and that I really do have so much reason to hope for our son to be healthy. I even let myself spend time thinking what if my dream does come true? I've never let myself really think about it at the fear of being 'disappointed' and crushed if it doesn't come true... But I thought about it. What if in 5 weeks I do meet our son? What if he is placed on my chest after he's born and I can hold him? What if he is actually healthy and perfect? What if we can take him home with us? What if we can raise him and see him grow into a man? What if my dreams do come true?
Because they can and they might.
What if my dreams come true for our son, how will I reflect back on my pregnancy with him? If I have a healthy son and reflect back on my pregnancy, I feel ridiculous for spending so much of it in turmoil, pain, sorrow, and fear - all for nothing.
Maybe God is giving me this pregnancy and all the reasons I have to be hopeful so that I can actually be hopeful and to prepare me for giving me the things I hope for... Dare I think that? That's been such a bold, hard thought to have...
Even if it turns out the 1-2% chance I fear coming true, comes true... Maybe God was giving me a 'reassuring' pregnancy so that I could enjoy it. But I haven't as much as I've wanted to.
So yesterday, I told myself to stop it. Live in the encouragement, reassurance, and hope I've been given this pregnancy... and act (which includes preparing) like I might just have my dreams come true of having my baby boy born healthy, free of disorders, free of complications, free of any health problems...
And so, I spent time time yesterday doing a little research on pediatricians and vaccines and newborn photographers. And last night my mind was consumed with thoughts of all the things I still need to do to prepare for our little guy... write up our birth plan, go shopping and create a registry, work a little more on his nursery (even though we're still just doing the minimum in terms of shopping and decorating)... but still, there's lots to be done and soon there's going to be little time to do it! And instead of being fearful or worried or sad, it all actually made me happy, and I'm excited to feel "ready" for him...
I just pray this sense of peace and hope and being able to look to the future with a joy will last through the rest of this pregnancy (because I already feel my excitement over the possibility of my dreams coming true being attacked). And I pray that the remaining weeks I have left until baby boy makes his debut will continue to be complication free and go smoothly.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Learning: God's Best Pathway
For quite some time now, I've struggled in trying to discern God's doing (when events happen according to his plan and purpose) and God's allowing (when something happens not according to his plan, whether my selfish free will intervenes or Satan attacks). When is it his doing and when is it his allowing? Ultimately I know everything that happens in my life is filtered through his hands, but I want to know the origins. For some reason, a part of me feels like knowing that God is in control is not good enough; I need to get to the root of the cause. I need to know why. Sometimes it's easy to discern what God intends and what God allows, other times, not so much.
My struggle to understand where God is when "bad things happen" is one that has taken me captive, and I hadn't really realized it. For some reason I had no idea I was a captive since I knew God is always there and God is always good, even when "bad things happen." However, my recent attempts at wanting to understand the origins of multiple situations people would deem as "bad," really did begin to hold me captive, just like my fear.
What I've come to realize lately through a variety of means, which I believe God is using to help me solve this frail human dilemma of mine, is that it doesn't always matter that I know whether something happen because God created it as part of his plan or God allowed it... The point is, it happened, and it happened when God was in control, because he is ultimately in control always - whether he's creating or allowing.
This lesson has been quite freeing for me and can be attributed to the growing sense of peace that I have in my life once again.
Today I read something that reflects one way of saying the same thing that I've cringed at over the past year and a half or so:
The Bible promises that God’s plan is the best plan; the one for which we were created. Psalm 32:8 “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.”
Why do I cringe? Because these questions (amongst a few others) pop into my head when hear this: How is the death of my daughter at a month old the best plan for my life? What if (those dangerous two words), our son also has a genetic disorder? How are these things God's best plan for my life? And I'm sure many of you who have gone through your own hard times can insert your questions. How is cancer the best plan for my life? How is being raped the best plan for my life? How is my husband's affair the best plan for my life? How is {insert "bad" situation} God's best plan for my life?
Well I'm slowly starting to be given answers to those questions in my own life.
One, I'm taking God at his word and believing that he does have a beautiful plan for my life. Two, I'm realizing not everything that happens in my life (or in yours) is a part of God's beautiful plan or his doing (sin and our fallen world can and do intervene). But three, I'm learning whatever "bad" happened, whether it was a result of God's desires or from something not of him but that he allowed, that I shouldn't discount God having a good and beautiful plan. (This is the hard part I've been stuck at that I think gets most people stuck too).
The purpose... the plan... the pathway... when we choose to keep our faces on God, when we seek him, when we obey him, when we commit to him, is the best purpose, plan, or pathway (whatever you want to call it, I'm going to envision it as a pathway).
God's best pathway for our lives is not one that is perfect nor is it free of suffering (only in heaven can that be). But that sounds like an oxymoron to me, and I think that's why myself and so many struggle. How can God's best plan allow for suffering, hardships, times spent in dark places, pain, and so on - whether it was from him or allowed by him? When we ask questions like that, our focus is on the wrong part of the plan I think.
God's plan is more of one focused on us, on our hearts, our minds, on our inward circumstances so to speak - not necessarily on our outward circumstances. (Take a minute to think about that... Even after writing that I need to take a moment and let that sink in again).
When I am seeking God and having a close relationship with him and choosing to walk with him through my life, I can rest assured that I am on his best pathway for my life. This pathway may see more outward circumstances that might be defined by suffering, loss, pain, hardships, etc. (whether God intended them to be on this pathway or not). The truth is, they may be there and will be there in some form or another, but since I'm on God's pathway for my life... it's good...
It's good in that going through trials with him allows me to experience his awesome power and love in my life. When the trials come, and they have and they will, God gives me strength. He gives me peace. He gives me patience. He gives me hope. He gives me wisdom. He gives me his perspective. He gives me love. He allows me to use it to help others. And so on...
I can very well walk the same pathway filled with the same trials without God. The pathway may be the same in its outward circumstances... but it's not the same pathway God intended for my actual self. When I'm not with God on the pathway, the suffering that comes makes me suffer, fills me with pain, leaves me hopeless, fills me with fear, takes me captive, limits me, steals my joy, leaves me depressed, makes me bitter, fills me with anger, makes life and my 'pathway' absolutely miserable, and not the best pathway God intended for me.
See that's the best pathway God intends for all of us, one where he doesn't necessarily remove the storms in our lives, but where he helps us take on the storms by filling us with his blessings to not only make it through, but make it through as a better person, make it through the storm so we can make others on a similar journey better, and make it through to allow others to find the same awesome love and power that Christ offers each of us.
Can God's best pathway for my life involve the death of infant daughter due to a chromosomal disorder? Yes.
Can my life involving this loss leave me bitter and depressed? Yes.
Can God's best pathway for my life involving this loss leave me bitter and depressed? No.
Can my life being pregnant after loss leave me fearful? Yes.
Can God's best pathway for my life being pregnant after loss leave me fearful? No.
Do you see the difference? I am finally starting to.. and what a difference the difference is making!
Today's truth from my Girlfriends in God devotional is:
The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trust in him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy” (Psalm 28:7).
I think this truth illustrates the point I'm learning and trying to make for you. The pathway of life we walk with the Lord involves "danger" (or suffering or hardship or storms). BUT, when we "trust in him with all [our] heart[s]" (when we trust him enough to walk the pathway with him), do you see what happens? We get his best plan! We get his strength, he acts as our shield, he helps us, and he fills us with JOY! That's God's best...
I mentioned that God was teaching me this lesson as I call it through a variety of ways (love when he does this; I may miss his point once, but he doesn't leave me hanging, he will tell it to me as many times as it takes to make me hear). Here are a few of the words that God used to speak these things to me this week:
The Bible promises that God’s plan is the best plan; the one for which we were created. Psalm 32:8 “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.” God agrees to not only show us the plan, He promises to provide all of the strength and resources needed to carry out that plan. His sufficient and constant power is unleashed by our choice to accept and follow His blueprint for victorious living. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11, NLT). I know that there are days when the will of God seems completely wrong and we simply do not understand. Every moment is pregnant with darkness and our hearts are numb, paralyzed by fear and doubt. We are treading water in the storm tossed sea of life, desperately longing to see Him walking on the treacherous waves toward us, rescue in His hand. It is in those shadowed moments that we must choose to trust the Plan Maker even though our faith is small and we cannot understand the plan. His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. And one day, every one of our question marks will be yanked into exclamation points as we see that high plan as He sees it – perfect. We were created by the One who knows us best and loves us most. There are no accidents with God. He never has to say, “Oops!” Before we were ever conceived in the heart and mind of man we were conceived in the heart and mind of God. Wanted, loved and planned since before the world began. He had a plan in mind and lovingly, purposefully created us in response to that plan.
I knew I should be overwhelmed with thankfulness that I didn’t have this unexpected health crisis in a third-world country. I was, I am–thankful. But it’s all layered with a bunch of confusion and anger as to why it had to happen and the terrible timing. When my Pastor sat at the end of my bed, I asked him, chin trembling, faith-weakened. Is this satan attacking or is this God’s plan? He quoted, “The enemy can take no advantage but what the Lord permits him; and He will permit him none but what He designs to overrule for your greater advantage in the end.” – John Newton… His timing was perfect, Kristen.” Ultimately, the how and why still don’t make sense to me, but I trust Him. I don’t want my plan-it’s one-sided and error-filled. I want His plan, even if it’s hard. Because in the end, it’s better. When God doesn’t make sense, He is still God.
"In all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37. One way we can measure our belief system's effectiveness is to examine how consistently our biblical position as "more than conquerors" is fleshed out in our reality... Victory assumes a counterpart defeat. We will never take our places as "more than conquerors" with nothing to overcome...
And I have to say, hearing this all from God, increases my peace once again. It gives me a giddy joy even... A joy that is indescribable to those who don't know Christ and haven't seen his power at work. Oh and can I also mention how AMAZING it is when God does reveal how he's can work all things together for good even through a "bad" circumstance (Romans 8:28). In the past week, I've received an email from a friend, an email from a stranger, and a Facebook message from a stranger in another country, all sharing in their own unique way and story of ultimately how my life and Hailey's has impacted their own. I'm being given glimpses of "good" that is because of the "bad" and that is ultimately happening I believe because I continually choose to walk the pathway God intended I walk.
My struggle to understand where God is when "bad things happen" is one that has taken me captive, and I hadn't really realized it. For some reason I had no idea I was a captive since I knew God is always there and God is always good, even when "bad things happen." However, my recent attempts at wanting to understand the origins of multiple situations people would deem as "bad," really did begin to hold me captive, just like my fear.
What I've come to realize lately through a variety of means, which I believe God is using to help me solve this frail human dilemma of mine, is that it doesn't always matter that I know whether something happen because God created it as part of his plan or God allowed it... The point is, it happened, and it happened when God was in control, because he is ultimately in control always - whether he's creating or allowing.
This lesson has been quite freeing for me and can be attributed to the growing sense of peace that I have in my life once again.
Today I read something that reflects one way of saying the same thing that I've cringed at over the past year and a half or so:
The Bible promises that God’s plan is the best plan; the one for which we were created. Psalm 32:8 “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.”
Why do I cringe? Because these questions (amongst a few others) pop into my head when hear this: How is the death of my daughter at a month old the best plan for my life? What if (those dangerous two words), our son also has a genetic disorder? How are these things God's best plan for my life? And I'm sure many of you who have gone through your own hard times can insert your questions. How is cancer the best plan for my life? How is being raped the best plan for my life? How is my husband's affair the best plan for my life? How is {insert "bad" situation} God's best plan for my life?
Well I'm slowly starting to be given answers to those questions in my own life.
One, I'm taking God at his word and believing that he does have a beautiful plan for my life. Two, I'm realizing not everything that happens in my life (or in yours) is a part of God's beautiful plan or his doing (sin and our fallen world can and do intervene). But three, I'm learning whatever "bad" happened, whether it was a result of God's desires or from something not of him but that he allowed, that I shouldn't discount God having a good and beautiful plan. (This is the hard part I've been stuck at that I think gets most people stuck too).
The purpose... the plan... the pathway... when we choose to keep our faces on God, when we seek him, when we obey him, when we commit to him, is the best purpose, plan, or pathway (whatever you want to call it, I'm going to envision it as a pathway).
God's best pathway for our lives is not one that is perfect nor is it free of suffering (only in heaven can that be). But that sounds like an oxymoron to me, and I think that's why myself and so many struggle. How can God's best plan allow for suffering, hardships, times spent in dark places, pain, and so on - whether it was from him or allowed by him? When we ask questions like that, our focus is on the wrong part of the plan I think.
God's plan is more of one focused on us, on our hearts, our minds, on our inward circumstances so to speak - not necessarily on our outward circumstances. (Take a minute to think about that... Even after writing that I need to take a moment and let that sink in again).
When I am seeking God and having a close relationship with him and choosing to walk with him through my life, I can rest assured that I am on his best pathway for my life. This pathway may see more outward circumstances that might be defined by suffering, loss, pain, hardships, etc. (whether God intended them to be on this pathway or not). The truth is, they may be there and will be there in some form or another, but since I'm on God's pathway for my life... it's good...
It's good in that going through trials with him allows me to experience his awesome power and love in my life. When the trials come, and they have and they will, God gives me strength. He gives me peace. He gives me patience. He gives me hope. He gives me wisdom. He gives me his perspective. He gives me love. He allows me to use it to help others. And so on...
I can very well walk the same pathway filled with the same trials without God. The pathway may be the same in its outward circumstances... but it's not the same pathway God intended for my actual self. When I'm not with God on the pathway, the suffering that comes makes me suffer, fills me with pain, leaves me hopeless, fills me with fear, takes me captive, limits me, steals my joy, leaves me depressed, makes me bitter, fills me with anger, makes life and my 'pathway' absolutely miserable, and not the best pathway God intended for me.
See that's the best pathway God intends for all of us, one where he doesn't necessarily remove the storms in our lives, but where he helps us take on the storms by filling us with his blessings to not only make it through, but make it through as a better person, make it through the storm so we can make others on a similar journey better, and make it through to allow others to find the same awesome love and power that Christ offers each of us.
Can God's best pathway for my life involve the death of infant daughter due to a chromosomal disorder? Yes.
Can my life involving this loss leave me bitter and depressed? Yes.
Can God's best pathway for my life involving this loss leave me bitter and depressed? No.
Can my life being pregnant after loss leave me fearful? Yes.
Can God's best pathway for my life being pregnant after loss leave me fearful? No.
Do you see the difference? I am finally starting to.. and what a difference the difference is making!
Today's truth from my Girlfriends in God devotional is:
The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trust in him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy” (Psalm 28:7).
I think this truth illustrates the point I'm learning and trying to make for you. The pathway of life we walk with the Lord involves "danger" (or suffering or hardship or storms). BUT, when we "trust in him with all [our] heart[s]" (when we trust him enough to walk the pathway with him), do you see what happens? We get his best plan! We get his strength, he acts as our shield, he helps us, and he fills us with JOY! That's God's best...
I mentioned that God was teaching me this lesson as I call it through a variety of ways (love when he does this; I may miss his point once, but he doesn't leave me hanging, he will tell it to me as many times as it takes to make me hear). Here are a few of the words that God used to speak these things to me this week:
- From today's Girlfriends in God by Mary Southerland:
The Bible promises that God’s plan is the best plan; the one for which we were created. Psalm 32:8 “I will guide you along the best pathway for your life.” God agrees to not only show us the plan, He promises to provide all of the strength and resources needed to carry out that plan. His sufficient and constant power is unleashed by our choice to accept and follow His blueprint for victorious living. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11, NLT). I know that there are days when the will of God seems completely wrong and we simply do not understand. Every moment is pregnant with darkness and our hearts are numb, paralyzed by fear and doubt. We are treading water in the storm tossed sea of life, desperately longing to see Him walking on the treacherous waves toward us, rescue in His hand. It is in those shadowed moments that we must choose to trust the Plan Maker even though our faith is small and we cannot understand the plan. His ways are higher than our ways. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. And one day, every one of our question marks will be yanked into exclamation points as we see that high plan as He sees it – perfect. We were created by the One who knows us best and loves us most. There are no accidents with God. He never has to say, “Oops!” Before we were ever conceived in the heart and mind of man we were conceived in the heart and mind of God. Wanted, loved and planned since before the world began. He had a plan in mind and lovingly, purposefully created us in response to that plan.
- From Kristen Welch's blog, We Are THAT Family, "When God Doesn't Make Sense"
I knew I should be overwhelmed with thankfulness that I didn’t have this unexpected health crisis in a third-world country. I was, I am–thankful. But it’s all layered with a bunch of confusion and anger as to why it had to happen and the terrible timing. When my Pastor sat at the end of my bed, I asked him, chin trembling, faith-weakened. Is this satan attacking or is this God’s plan? He quoted, “The enemy can take no advantage but what the Lord permits him; and He will permit him none but what He designs to overrule for your greater advantage in the end.” – John Newton… His timing was perfect, Kristen.” Ultimately, the how and why still don’t make sense to me, but I trust Him. I don’t want my plan-it’s one-sided and error-filled. I want His plan, even if it’s hard. Because in the end, it’s better. When God doesn’t make sense, He is still God.
- From Believing God by Beth Moore, today's truth June 21st:
"In all these things we are more than victorious through Him who loved us." Romans 8:37. One way we can measure our belief system's effectiveness is to examine how consistently our biblical position as "more than conquerors" is fleshed out in our reality... Victory assumes a counterpart defeat. We will never take our places as "more than conquerors" with nothing to overcome...
And I have to say, hearing this all from God, increases my peace once again. It gives me a giddy joy even... A joy that is indescribable to those who don't know Christ and haven't seen his power at work. Oh and can I also mention how AMAZING it is when God does reveal how he's can work all things together for good even through a "bad" circumstance (Romans 8:28). In the past week, I've received an email from a friend, an email from a stranger, and a Facebook message from a stranger in another country, all sharing in their own unique way and story of ultimately how my life and Hailey's has impacted their own. I'm being given glimpses of "good" that is because of the "bad" and that is ultimately happening I believe because I continually choose to walk the pathway God intended I walk.
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