5 Weeks & Dare I Say Excited?

As of yesterday, I have 5 weeks left until my due date, and finally for the first time last night I was kept awake with what I consider to be a "good" anxiety... close to the kind you get (or got as a kid) on Christmas Eve. My "good" anxiety being that I was/ am anxious and excited to be getting so close to meeting my little man! The day I've been waiting for is closely approaching, and it's going to be here before I know! That's when I started to realize I really haven't done anything to prepare for him (which has mostly been out of fears and negative anxieties and worries that I've written about multiple times).

Not only was yesterday my 35 week marker, but I was also convicted yesterday, and I think both of those things led me to the place of finally being excited and anxious to prepare for and meet our baby boy.

You see, this past weekend, was a very difficult time for me, one of the worst I've had since becoming pregnant. I became overwhelmed at thoughts of having to plan and prepare for pediatricians and family visits and buying baby things. Those things tend to be easy for first time moms, but for those of us who are pregnant after a loss, those things are difficult. We planned for a future with our child and did those things once before, only to have those plans and future crumble in an instant, and the pain when that happens is indescrible. Therefore, it's hard to plan for a future with another child because we're bombarded with fears associated with our past experiences - at least that's true in my case.

But long story short, after having some very difficult days this past week, during which I put all those discussions and decisions we needed to have and make on hold, I became convicted yesterday.

Yesterday, in going about my recent habits of worrying about these future plans and decisions I needed to start making and becoming sad, fearful, and so on, thoughts popped into my head that literally stopped me in my tracks. In fact, the first thought I had was literally, "Stop." Just over and over again in my head telling myself to stop this negative behavior of mine. And then I began what I consider was like a pep talk with myself - or perhaps it was God convicting me through his Holy Spirit (I hope it was the second otherwise I feel like a crazy person).

Here's what came to my mind.

Why am I acting like my worst case scenario is going to happen? There is a 1-2% chance it will, but there's also a 98-99% chance that I will have my dream come true of giving birth to a healthy baby boy.

Nothing has changed since I first heard these statistics a few months after losing Hailey when we first sat down with a genetic counselor. Of course I would prefer a 0% chance of anything bad happening - but no one even has that. There's always been hope and encouragement from genetic counselors and doctors that we would go on to have a healthy child and even from reading past stories of couples whose first child had Trisomy 18 and they go on to have several healthy children. But somewhere I lost that hope and became focused on that 1-2% chance. Why? I didn't know. Or perhaps Satan knew it was my weak spot and has delighted at trying to destroy me by focusing me on it....

I've continued to have reassurance from doctors that our son is healthy and everything appears to be developing and functioning normally. Everything they've seen gives us reason to believe our son is healthy. However, I've had a tough time believing that because everything seemed to indicate Hailey was healthy as well... But then I remind myself that doctors have been more cautious about this pregnancy, and we've had a more in depth ultrasound that seemed to check everything possible, and still they see no indicators of anything being wrong. They give me so much reason to believe and hope our son is healthy - so why do I act convinced like he's not?  Not to mention this pregnancy has continued very smoothly with no complications. I'm 5 weeks away from my due date, and I have yet to experience the same swelling and high blood pressure I had last time (which wasn't a big deal) - but still, I've been almost waiting for some complication to arise this time to make me more doubtful, but so far it hasn't.

Speaking from facts and statistics and everything that's happened so far in this pregnancy, I have so much reason to be thankful to be complication free and have a healthy baby boy growing inside of me, and I have so much reason to be hopeful that our son will be born perfect and healthy and my dreams might just in fact come true. Yet I'm not living like that.

What reason do I have to doubt? The 1-2% chance. It's starting to sound ridiculous to me. The fact that there was something wrong with my first baby. Well that doesn't mean for certain that something will be wrong with my second.

I look back on this pregnancy and can only be thankful for it. Really, it's been almost a picture perfect pregnancy. And really the only thing that's been holding me back with rejoicing in it like I've so desperately wanted to be able to, is the emotions associated with our past experiences with Hailey.

Yesterday, I was convicted by the truth that I have so much to be thankful for this pregnancy and that this pregnancy has really been wonderful and that I really do have so much reason to hope for our son to be healthy. I even let myself spend time thinking what if my dream does come true? I've never let myself really think about it at the fear of being 'disappointed' and crushed if it doesn't come true... But I thought about it. What if in 5 weeks I do meet our son? What if he is placed on my chest after he's born and I can hold him? What if he is actually healthy and perfect? What if we can take him home with us? What if we can raise him and see him grow into a man? What if my dreams do come true?

Because they can and they might.

What if my dreams come true for our son, how will I reflect back on my pregnancy with him? If I have a healthy son and reflect back on my pregnancy, I feel ridiculous for spending so much of it in turmoil, pain, sorrow, and fear - all for nothing.

Maybe God is giving me this pregnancy and all the reasons I have to be hopeful so that I can actually be hopeful and to prepare me for giving me the things I hope for... Dare I think that? That's been such a bold, hard thought to have...

Even if it turns out the 1-2% chance I fear coming true, comes true... Maybe God was giving me a 'reassuring' pregnancy so that I could enjoy it.  But I haven't as much as I've wanted to.

So yesterday, I told myself to stop it. Live in the encouragement, reassurance, and hope I've been given this pregnancy... and act (which includes preparing) like I might just have my dreams come true of having my baby boy born healthy, free of disorders, free of complications, free of any health problems...

And so, I spent time time yesterday doing a little research on pediatricians and vaccines and newborn photographers. And last night my mind was consumed with thoughts of all the things I still need to do to prepare for our little guy... write up our birth plan, go shopping and create a registry, work a little more on his nursery (even though we're still just doing the minimum in terms of shopping and decorating)... but still, there's lots to be done and soon there's going to be little time to do it! And instead of being fearful or worried or sad, it all actually made me happy, and I'm excited to feel "ready" for him...

I just pray this sense of peace and hope and being able to look to the future with a joy will last through the rest of this pregnancy (because I already feel my excitement over the possibility of my dreams coming true being attacked). And I pray that the remaining weeks I have left until baby boy makes his debut will continue to be complication free and go smoothly.