First, some updates...
My husband and I enjoyed a long 5 day holiday weekend (yes, 5 days!). We spent some of our free time together buying those necessities we still needed for baby boy, and we also ventured to Babies R Us and created a registry. Thankfully, after a roller coaster of a week emotionally for me, our baby shopping adventures went quite well. I think it was helpful for us to do the shopping and registering together. I didn't really get too sad or emotional. Instead, shopping made us both really excited... which is good but again is a scary thing for me. At this point, it's pretty hard not to be excited to meet our little guy and start dreaming of a future with him... but I still have that nagging in the back of my mind that I could be "let down" again...
Yesterday marked my 36th week of pregnancy. 1 more week until I'm considered full term. 4 more weeks to baby boy's due date. Again, as the time is drawing nearer and nearer to August 3rd, I can't help but be excited. One part of me wants him to come right now so I can be done waiting for him and just meet him and hold him already. But another part of me wants him to stay in my belly as long as possible because I know he's safe and sound in there and I don't have to worry about NICUs or things like that. So that part of me continues to cherish every day of this pregnancy. Also yesterday I had another appointment with my midwife and thankfully everything continues to look good although no signs that baby boy is going to make his debut any time soon.
Last but not least for the updates, my husband and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary yesterday. We didn't have anything spectacular planned (we did just go on an awesome vacation last month, had fun with fireworks and things this past weekend, have a concert planned for this coming weekend, and not to mention it's hard to plan something on a work day), but we had a great anniversary nonetheless. My husband surprised me with a beautiful card and beautiful flowers when he came home, and thankfully there was a change in our schedules that allowed us to enjoy a nice romantic dinner out. We had lots of fun reminiscing about various moments in our lives and relationship. I hope we can always hold such great conversations even as we become an old married couple. Our marriage has seen more hardships and struggles than most can imagine in the first four years I'm sure, but I am so thankful that God has sustained us and so thankful to be married to a wonderful man who continues to be my best friend. I can only hope and pray that God will redeem our seasons of pain with more seasons of joy in the coming years.
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So I thought I'd take some time to write a little about where my heart and mind are right now in terms of living without Hailey. As I've written before, I've felt a lot of deja vu with this pregnancy reminding me so much of Hailey and that has been a difficult thing and at times contributed to a lot of my fears this time around. However something that I haven't really written about yet is that as my belly has grown rounder and as my due date quickly approaches, talking about Hailey has become quite difficult for me.
Since Hailey passed away, I really haven't minded talking about her. I've always wanted and even "enjoyed" opportunities to talk about her. At times I've struggled with how to answer the question "Do you have any children?" because I don't ever want to act like I never had a daughter, but answering that question honestly can be hard and awkward as I've written about before. But despite the difficulties and awkwardness, whenever I've been asked that question or a related one, I've taken a deep breath and dared to be open and mention Hailey and our loss. And I've always been able to do so with a strength and courage and perspective that allowed me to share about her with a love and joy instead of with pain and sorrow.
Lately however, it's really hard for me to share about Hailey in that way. Being in the Army, we continue to be presented with situations where we are meeting new people. Now people see that I'm pregnant and as a result we often get asked if this is our first pregnancy at which point we respond with no this is our second. I don't usually venture much further with an explanation unless there's further inquiry at which point it becomes quite hard to share our story (part of me now is hoping they don't inquire further when before I would hope they would). Most of the time when this happens lately I'm with my husband and I can look to him to answer and explain because I know I can't without crying - even as I listen to him explain I often have to hold back the tears now. As odd as it might be for someone to hear this, I still want people to know we had a daughter even though doing so has become quite hard.
I think, if I can adequately put it into words, one of the reasons I can't contain the pain and sorrow now when these questions come up is because this new pregnancy has made me miss Hailey in a new way and to a new depth. Now there is so much focus on the loss or void I have without her, whereas before I could focus on the brief time she was with us and filled our lives. Also, I think it's because I have so much fear that after losing our first child we will also lose the one growing inside of me, the thought of which is obviously unbearable painful....
So this has been and remains a current challenge I'm experiencing as a babylost and expectant mom.
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