Changing Seasons

Wow this is a new one for me ... over a week since I last blogged. Here are my main excuses: Amongst the other things that regularly keep me busy, I subbed twice, went on a last minute  3 day trip to check out Fort Campbell (which I like to refer to as my recon mission trying to scope out the area so we can begin house hunting), and then had to finish our homemade costumes for the Spooky 5K on post that we participated in - see pictures below.

(View of the drive in TN)

(Spooky 5K costumes - our half of 'Scooby and the gang')

My life seems to be moving from one season to another right now. How appropriate for this to be happening to me in the fall as the leaves change colors and the world prepares for winter.

Since Hailey passed away, I've struggled with grief and depression and the new, unexpected, and unwanted turn in my life and all that's come along with it. As I've written about many times before, overnight my life changed and I woke up many mornings feeling I was in a living nightmare. I lost my dad, I had no daughter, I wasn't a mom, I had no full time job, I didn't know who I was or what to do with myself, I was living in a new state hundreds of miles from family and learning what it meant to be married to the Army... all at once.

As my season of grief raged on, God gave me glimmers of joy and peace and even purpose. My unwanted free time became a blessing that allowed me to do things I otherwise would have been unable to enjoy, like exercising and donating care packages to families who have babies in NICUs. I began to accept more and more that I don't write the plans to my life, God does. And so with God's help I worked my way through my grief and other negative emotions that accompanied it. I began to feel purposeful again. It was hard but I created a 'new life' after Hailey and fell into a new routine I grew to love.

But nothing ever lasts. Every time I seem to establish a routine with my life and become complacent, life throws something at me, sometimes something welcomed, other times something not.

The season of my life appears to be changing again. This time to one where my grief is quieter and my tears and sadness seem less, where I embrace the present and future more and more, where the tragedy of losing Hailey seems like it's in the distant past almost so much so that some days if I look at my life right now it's as if she never existed, and I will admit, I hate those moments. Sometimes it feels as if I'm to the point where I've moved on without her, like the past two years never happened, and I'm back to my 'normal' self before her. Again, I will admit, I hate feeling that way because there is no going back to how things were before her, even if that's how it may appear to the rest of the world. There isn't a day that doesn't go by that I don't miss her and think of her.

I know this will be a battle I have for the rest of my life. Hailey will be like a secret I carry that no one will know or understand. I'll go through the motions of life's activities like pumpkin picking, costume making, house hunting, and so on, always wishing I had my daughter there with me, always imagining what my life would be like in that particular moment with my daughter there, always thinking that's how it should have been, but isn't. I go through all these activities and an outsider never knows that I have a  daughter who should have been in the picture with me too. It's a frustrating thing for me. (On that note, if you have a baby or a child, can you do me a favor? Can you just hug them extra tight today for me and those of us surrounding you who in watching you with your babies miss ours all that much more?)

As we get ready for our new chapter, or season, in our life as we move to Fort Campbell, I also work to prepare myself for meeting new people and making new friends, again. And I'm constantly feeling tugs on my heart as I imagine them asking the same question everyone always asks, "Do you have any kids?" I've been thinking about this question a lot lately even though I haven't been asked it in awhile.

What do people mean when they ask that question? Is it implied that they mean living kids? How awkward would it be if I replied, "No. No living kids." I usually answer, "Yes, I had a daughter, but she passed away." I refuse to keep it a secret and lead people to believe I never had a baby who I had to bury and create a lie about my life, but at the same time, the honesty always creates an awkwardness and most of the time I don't think they really want the honest answer. They want to know if I currently have any kids...and I don't...  Right now, since it hasn't even been a year since Hailey has been gone, it seems more likely to me that I will continue to answer that I had a baby. But I wonder if I will still answer the question the same seven years from now? And then I wonder what other parents do who have lost a child. What do the parents do who lost their son or daughter when they were teenagers? What do they say ten years later when someone asks them how many children they have? How do they answer the question? Do they mention the one who died?

I'm sure there is no right or wrong answer and everyone answers differently, just as everyone grieves differently. But for now, I do not want the fact that I had a baby who died to be a secret in my life, because it's actually a huge part of my life and has been the most significant moment of my life thus far. It doesn't feel right to answer any differently. So I suppose I will answer the question the same, honestly, whether I think people want to hear it or not, whether it creates an awkwardness or not...

And I have to admit, I didn't intend for my post to go this route, but it did. I guess even as I go through the motions and get ready for this new turn in my life, the truth of my heart and where it's at always comes out.

Things are busy right now, but it's a welcomed busy. To my surprise, I'm actually enjoying where my life is at right now. I am seeing that life can go on and can be good again, although I can always find reason not to be completely satisfied with my life because my baby is dead after all... But I try my best not to let those thoughts and feelings keep me a prisoner of my grief and keep me from making the most of my life.

So I'm enjoying working on our delivery for Hailey's Hope in a month, substitute teaching every now and then, house hunting, and getting ready for our move, Josh's graduation, and the holidays. I'm already anticipating to feel many mixed emotions in the next two months... I'll have many reasons to celebrate and be happy and many reasons to grieve... Just praying God helps me handle the changing seasons and everything that will come at me into the new year.

The next chapter...

Well if you haven't heard yet, my husband finally received his unofficial orders and the Army is sending us to Ft. Campbell (which lies on the border of Kentucky and Tennessee) next. Unfortunately, we are still waiting to find out when exactly it is that we'll be reporting there (as of right now all we know is that we will be going there any time between January and March).

Over the summer, when we put in our choices for where we'd like to be stationed next, we listed Hawaii, Campbell, and Bragg. Because Josh was towards the top of the OML (order of merit list), we had reason to hope that we would get one of our choices, but when 2 months passed and we still had no orders, we began to worry that things might be getting a little messed up and that we might not get any of our choices - with the Army, you never really know what to expect.

So I was ecstatic on Tuesday when I received Josh's text message, "Going to Campbell." My heart did a little dance and flip in my chest I swear! We got one of our choices! I was so thrilled and happy. To make us appreciate this blessing even more, I later learned that Josh was the only active duty Black Hawk pilot out of 3 sections to get Ft. Campbell and no other active duty Black Hawk pilot got either of our other choices. Unfortunately, this means that there quite a few people found out they are going somewhere they didn't necessarily want to go.

We're both excited to be going to Campbell for many reasons. First of all, it's one of the nicer places for us to be stationed in the U.S. The surrounding area is beautiful, we'll be close to civilization again, we'll be able to make trips out to Nashville whenever we want - a city I just love, and we've heard so many wonderful things about it! The location is also great for us because it's the closest we'll be to living near our families while Josh is in the Army. After this rough year of being apart from them with us all grieving separately and so on, the closer location is very welcomed by us all - it will be an 8 hr drive instead of a+16 hr drive home.

Another reason why both Josh and I are happy with being stationed at Ft. Campbell next is because of what it could mean for his career. Without getting into all the Army details and career path choices and so on, I'll just say this: basically it will give him a good chance of being able to deploy. Yes he wants to deploy and yes having a deployment will help his career as an officer and pilot. Because a deployment is what he wants and needs, I understand and support him for wanting to be at Campbell so that he can have an opportunity to deploy. However, as I've written about once or twice before, while I understand and support him and know that deployment is part of his career and our life, it's still hard.

So while I spent Tuesday and Wednesday almost on a high, extremely thankful to God for matching our desires to go to Ft. Campbell with His desires for us, yesterday the 'other side' hit me.

Like I said, we don't know what unit he'll be with yet or when he'll be going, but there are a couple of units deploying almost immediately after we'd get there. What this possibility meant really started to sink in with me yesterday. I was prepared for  a deployment while we'll be at Campbell, but I was anticipating and hoping it would be a few months out like maybe the beginning next summer so that we'd at least have a few months together to settle into life in our new home and community. But the truth is that he could deploy much sooner and to be completely honest it hid me hard yesterday.

I had went from feeling so happy and blessed to almost the complete opposite... And it reminded me of Hailey (we started off feeling so happy and blessed that we were pregnant to the opposite when we learned she was going to die). But with the news of going to Campbell, it seemed like something in our life was going to go the way we wanted... that life could be good again...that we could look forward to something again...that we could have more reason to be happy and feel God blessing us. It was a good feeling that I haven't really felt since we lost Hailey. And then this reality of a deployment hit and took away all of those positive thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and I began to struggle with God in my heart... and kind of yell at him to be honest... even though I know there's nothing to even yell about right now...but that's what I did...

My mind went from praising God for blessing us with Campbell to me questioning and yelling at him... My thoughts went something like this...

God how could you do this to me? How could you send my husband on a deployment for a year right when we move? Don't you know how hard that timing would be for me? Don't you know what that would do to me? Why do you want to put me through another year of pain? I spent 2010 grieving the deaths of my dad and my daughter and separated from family and friends... don't you know how hard it's been for me God? Sure you've helped me through my pain, but my pain has been there still! And now you could send the man I love on a deployment for 2011 giving me a second consecutive year of pain and heartache? New Year's Eve 2009 I cried because I knew 2010 held nothing "good" for me because I anticipated the deaths of my daughter and dad. God am I going to cry again this New Year's Eve because 2011 is going to be a year without my husband? God I'm not ready for this yet. Is there ever going to be anything I can look forward to here on this Earth?

And then of course when I get like 'this' my bad habit of snowballing and then comparing myself  to others likes to pop in...

God it's so unfair. Why did you create Hailey the way you did? Why have you called me to live the life of a mother who has buried her baby? There are so many women who are happy mothers who everyone calls blessed because they have such beautiful healthy children. Why couldn't I be one of them? Why have you called Josh to be in the Army? Why have you called me to love him and be an Army wife? There are so many families who have the luxury of the security, consistency, and comforts of living in one place, near their families and friends, for their entire lives. Why couldn't we be one of those families? Why do we have to experience what seems like more tragedy and hardship and challenges than the average couple? It's not fair God.

Yep. Those were my honest rambling anxious thoughts last night. Thankfully, my God always comes through for me, even when I'm questioning, anxious, and doing worse case scenarios in my head when I don't even have any facts or details.

I laid around moping most of the night just letting my thoughts play out and my heart cry out to God. I felt God reminding me I hadn't spent any time with him yesterday, and of course in my childishness to that gentle reminder I said, "No God, I don't want to. I'm mad at you right now." To which the voice in my heart said, "You really need to come spend some time with me right now. Please let me talk to you."

And I knew He was right so I dragged myself into my bedroom and grabbed my Bible and journal. I was wondering what God was going to tell me. I've been studying the book of Jeremiah for awhile now and quite frankly it's a little depressing. For those of you who don't know, God called Jeremiah to be a prophet and deliver a message that no one wanted to hear and because of that Jeremiah went through many struggles. He stood alone against a crowd who despised him. He was arrested, imprisoned, almost killed by these people.  His relationship with God is sometimes defined as one of doubts, outbursts, fights, and so on. But through it all, even though he at times questions it, hates it, Jeremiah remains faithful and does what God asks of him. My Bible says Jeremiah is an "example of what it means to follow God in spite of everything." So knowing all of this, I was wondering if God was going to tell me, "Follow Jeremiah's example. He led what some would call an unpleasant, unhappy life, but was obedient to me. You need to be prepared to be like Jeremiah." To which I was ready to tell God, "God this is not what I want or need to hear right now..."

So anyway, the night prior I read Jeremiah chapter 17. I was so tired I didn't do my journaling afterward like usual so instead I did some marking in my Bible. Since I wasn't really feeling "into" my quiet time, but was doing it because God asked, I figured I'd look over what I had underlined in my Bible and go over that again.

"God, what is it that you want me to hear? I need you to come through for me right now in my anxiety and depression. I know they're not good, and they're not things that come from you."

("An anxious heart weighs a man down..." Proverbs 12:25)

(Have I mentioned lately how much I love my Lord and Savior? Cause I do. He's so awesome. You'll see why.) I read the first verse I marked from the night before:

⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

"Oh... yeah... I'm not really showing my trust or confidence in you right now, am I God? Hmm... But here is says I will be blessed if I trust in you and place my confidence in you... Yeah. I probably should do that."

Next verse I marked:

⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

"Ah it's this popular verse that many people know... Wow Lord.  I am fearing, and I am worrying. I am not how you want me to be. I am not how I want to be. I want to be like the tree planted by water. I don't want to fear. I don't want to worry. If I place my trust and confidence in you, I will be like this tree. Unwavering, grounded or rooted in you and your truths, sustained by you despite all that's going on around me. And what's this last part God... it 'never fails to bear fruit'.... Not only will you sustain me through the hard times, but you will help produce good in me and help me bear fruit... Wow Lord. I see why you wanted to talk to me tonight. This is exactly what I needed to hear."

And then the next verse:

⁹ The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

"Okay God. Wow. I hear you again. Thank you. Thank you for these truths. Even though I'm rereading these words, it's like you wrote them just for me just for what I'm going through today. Yes, my heart is deceiving me right now. I'm letting my heart run away with my emotions of fear and other things... Yes, I need to check my heart.

I continued to reread the rest of the chapter, underlining some new words that I felt God highlighting for me... reminders of things that helped me deal with my other issue of the night which is my trying to complain my life is unfair compared to that of others:

"...the man who gains riches by unjust means....they will desert him...he will prove to be a fool..." (vs. 11)


"...all who forsake you will be put to shame..." (vs. 13)


¹⁴ Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise.

I heard that last verse loud and clear. I read it over and over and over again. It is a truth I know to be true because God has proven it to be true with my grief over and over again this year, yet I still needed a reminder of it. Thank you God for speaking to me.

Before spending this time with God last night, I was feeling anxious beyond belief and imagining a night of tossing and turning ahead for me. After spending this time with God last night and hearing God speak to me, His words brought my turbulent soul comfort and gave me His peace...Exactly what I needed. And so I slept well last night. Today I still wonder about what it might be like if we move and within a month Josh deploys and the hardships that could and will come at some point, but God has given me the wisdom and peace and gentle reminders that let me know I will be okay if that does happen.

I am ready for the next chapter of our lives to begin... whatever that might be... I am ready because I have God by my side.

Oh, and one last thing. Some people think that I match this lifestyle because I am strong, resilient, and so on. Actually, me on my own, I am not a match for this lifestyle. On my own it's my nature to hate change, fear change, be a worry wort, fear being alone, and so on. But thankfully, God is making me into his own. Daily He rids me of myself and fills me with Him.....Without God, I would never make it through this life, let alone make it through my grief, let alone make it as an Army wife. God gives me what I need to not only make it through, but to thrive in doing so. Anything positive you see in me, is God's strength and love shining through my weakness.

We remember...

This weekend was too much for words, which doesn't bode well for this blog post...or maybe it does because I can share pictures instead of rambling (?).

In an attempt to capture my experiences this weekend, during which we recognized and participated in Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I will use some adjectives that come to mind to describe how I felt:

Sad. Happy. Stressful. Emotional. Exhausted. Wonderful. Honored. Moved. Inspired. Loved. Not alone.

And since some claim a picture can speak a thousand words... I'll let these pictures tell my story of this weekend and remembering my baby and the babies of others...

Hailey's name  painted on a rose petal, made by one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

A second picture of Hailey's name painted on a rose petal edited with a heart, made by one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

Hailey's name  painted on a leaf, made by one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

A second picture of Hailey's name  painted on a leaf, made by one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

A candle lit for Hailey, done by another one of the ladies from Project Sweet Peas

Here she arranged Hailey's candle along with those of others' babies to form an angel

Josh, Opie, and I walked to remember Hailey on Saturday

We wrote her a note and attached it to a giant butterfly collage at the Walk to Remember event.

This is our butterfly we released in remembrance of Hailey.

Me with Hailey's balloon at the balloon remembrance release I organized for Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas

The balloons we released in remembrance of 82 babies.

The beginning of our release.

All of the balloon released into the air

Thank you to all of you who participated with us in our balloon release. Thank you to those of you who sent me encouraging messages over the weekend. Thank you to those of you who lit a candle in remembrance of Hailey. Thank you to everyone for supporting me, Josh, Hailey, and Hailey's Hope. Although our daughter isn't with us, she will always remain an important part of our life ,and it's very important to us that the people in our life acknowledge her, remember her, and don't act like we never had a daughter and she never existed...

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Before losing Hailey I had no idea such a day existed, but now that I know I am so glad that it does. I just wish more people knew about it and more people recognized it and showed their support for it.

Please consider showing your support and love for Hailey, me, and my family as well as for all of the other babies who have gone to Heaven and their families.

We grieve every day. We love and miss our baby every day. And this will be our life for as long as we live. It doesn't matter if it's been one week, one month, one year, or ten years since our babies went to Heaven, we "babylost" parents need reminders of your support and love, and we need you to acknowledge, remember, and show your love for our babies who have passed.

How can you show your support and let people know you care?

Tonight at 7pm wherever you live, please consider lighting a candle in remembrance of Hailey and all the other babies around the world who have passed away.

Consider posting something like this as your Facebook status to bring awareness and show your support: Today is October 15th, National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Please show your support and join me in remembering all the babies lost due to miscarriage, still birth, and early infant death. They are gone but never forgotten.


Send a word of encouragement, love, and support to someone you know who has lost their baby. A card, a phone call, an email, a comment on a Facebook status. Anything is appreciated. Don't know what to say? Any of these examples bring comfort to me: "Thinking of you and remembering Hailey." "Sending hugs." "Love you." "Praying for you." "We love and miss "Hailey" too."

Even sending a small gift like flowers on today, birthdays, or anniversaries means more than you'd ever imagine.

And last but not least, please pray for my family and other families who have lost a baby, that they will find comfort, love, peace, and strength today and every day.

I, we, need to know you haven't forgotten about our babies who mean the world to us. We need your support. Today and every day. We need to know you care about our grief and that you care about our babies.

Step outside of your comfort zone. Dare to address what you might find as awkward, uncomfortable, or painful. Help break the silence that keeps parents like myself feeling isolated and alone and like no one cares about our baby or our loss. Trust me, we need you to mention our babies' names.

My Child’s Name Author Unknown

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry.
I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent, pretending he didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say “pretty good” or “fine.”
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Hailey's Hope PSP Balloon Release

**IMPORTANT**

The date of the Project Sweet Peas Pregnancy & Infant Loss Balloon Release being held by our local project Hailey's Hope in Enterprise, AL has changed due to safety concerns because of flight patterns of Ft. Rucker flight students occurring during the day and time of the original release.

Hailey's Hope's release will NOT be this FRI (10/15) as originally planned. Instead the release will take place SAT (10/16). It will be at the Enterprise Recreational Complex at the bridge over the pond at 4pm.

Please email me Kristin@projectsweetpeas.com if you would like to attend so I give you the details. I deeply apologize for any inconvenience.

Updates

Just some quick updates because I just realized it's been almost a week since I last posted...

For starters, Josh and I had a busy but enjoyable 3 day weekend. On Saturday Josh, Opie (our dog), and I had a family day full of quality time together. We started out the morning by going to the Buddy Walk in support of Team Freddie (which I mentioned in my last post). It felt good to support Freddie and others with Trisomy 21. And for me personally, I also did it in memory of Hailey, because without her having Trisomy 18, which just as easily could have been 21, I'm not sure we would have ever gone on such a walk. We brought Opie with us on the walk and aside from the kids he seemed to be the hit of the day. So many little kids pointed at him, walked up to him, and one little girl was simply in love with him giving him hugs around the neck and sticking her face in front of his so he would lick her all over. (That really tugged at our heartstrings making us think of how Hailey would have been doing the same if she were with us).

After we finished the walk we went pumpkin picking, yes all three of us.  Even I was surprised they let Opie go on the hayride with everyone. It was probably a funny sight but everyone seemed to like him. He even got mooed at by a cow while we were out in the field picking pumpkins.

Saturday was really good day for me, for us. I had a lot fun, and we made a lot of memories. However, like every day, my thoughts often drifted to Hailey... trying to imagine what it would have been like with her here. Like how I should have been taking pictures of her with the big, orange pumpkins with Opie instead of just Opie. As I reflected on the end of the day, thinking of all the families we saw, I realized how much I / we treat Opie like our child. Not only did he go with us everywhere that day, but we, acting as not just his owners but his parents, stopped by Petsmart and bought him his own doggy seat belt to keep him safe on car rides. We even tried on some costumes for him. Obviously he was too large for the large size cow costume.

A part of me can't help but think that everything we did that day with Opie should have been done with Hailey... So as much fun as I had on Saturday and over the weekend, I can't help but miss that Hailey wasn't with us for it all...

(But I'm thankful I / we have Opie. He truly is been my best friend and has helped me get through a lot of things. I always mean to write a post about him and him and Hailey like the one I wrote months ago that got deleted when my Internet went down... Some day I'll write it so everyone can know just how important and special Opie is to us.)

Anyway, over the weekend I also spent a lot of time crafting. I'm in the process of creating 10 memory boxes that will be donated to families in the NICUs at The Children's Hospital with terminally ill babies or those who have lost babies while in the NICUs. As much as I hate that they're needed because it means a baby has passed away and a family has lost their child, I really am happy to be able to make and give them these in hopes that will bring comfort to someone. We're going to donate a total of 10 boxes (5 boys, 5 girls), and they're taking a lot of time to make, but here's a sneak peek at what I'm working on:

Yesterday I received my first phone call to sub! The teacher was sick and was trying to make it through the day, but she decided it best if she went home early. So I subbed for her 10th grade English classes from 9:30a to 3:10p. The day was super easy and went well. The hard part was maintaining a quiet working environment and classroom management without knowing the seating charts and names, but it really did go extremely smoothly - and thankfully no students tried to pull anything on me!

After yesterday I've come to decide a few things. One, I do miss being in the classroom, feeling productive in that way, and making some money. Two, I do not miss all the responsibilities that come with full time teaching like grading papers, and I am very thankful I didn't have to go home yesterday to lesson plan or grade papers. Three, I do not foresee or want a full time teaching position any time in the near future (even if it were possible), and I like the flexibility of subbing. Four, I am really thankful to be able to do what I am with my life right now. It made me realize how much I love being able to have a project with Project Sweet Peas and how important it is to me. I've always wanted to do something that makes a difference in people's lives and I always thought that would be through teaching, but I'm really seeing more and more that what I'm doing with Hailey's Hope is doing just that and really is meaningful and important.

This Friday and Saturday will be spent remembering Hailey and all the babies lost due to miscarriage, still birth, and infant loss (and their families). Friday, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I'm releasing almost 80 balloons on behalf of the names of babies lost submitted to Hailey's Hope with Project Sweet Peas. I'm really looking forward to remembering all of these babies who are all so deeply loved and missed in this way. It should be a pretty amazing sight seeing all of those balloons float off into the sunset sky.

On Saturday Josh and I are going to a "Walk to Remember" for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance - another way for Josh and I take some time and do something special in remembrance of our daughter. I'm most looking forward to releasing a butterfly for Hailey ... because of my thing with butterflies and her... and because I wanted to do a butterfly release fundraiser for Hailey's Hope on the one year anniversary of her passing, but because of the temperatures in January, it would be too cold to release them... so I'm excited to at least have this opportunity.

And of course, there will be blog posts to come about these events.

Lessons that Saved my Life

I am extremely thankful for the growing God has been doing in me since I lost my dad and Hailey. It seems like almost every day I'm learning something new or gaining a new piece of God's wisdom about getting through this life and not just getting through it but making the most of it, not just to surviving, but to thriving.

Here are some of the lessons and pieces of wisdom I've gained (mostly from this past year, but not all) in hopes they might help someone else and so that I can have a record of them as a reminder for myself.

~  I first learned the answer to the age old question, "What's the meaning of life?" years ago but am continually going deeper in what it means every day. The answer is this: Love God with all your heart, mind, and soul. In loving God, follow and serve Him.  Share God's love with others (literally telling others of his love as in the great commission and through your actions) - ask him how he can use you to do this.

~ If my husband loved me perfectly, like I so often want him to do, I would have no need for God's perfect love.

~ People you love will fail you, disappoint you, and leave you, but God never will. If you focus on God's love and being filled by Him, you will find the true satisfaction that you long for.

~ Life is full of "bad stuff" (sickness, death, abuse, and so on). The "bad stuff" does not come from God, it comes from the fall of mankind and the result of sin. The wonderful thing is that God can use all of that "bad stuff" for accomplishing good. He doesn't need it to accomplish good, but he can use it for good.

~ I've learned a lot about hope.

~ Frustrated with unanswered prayers? Reconsider your prayer life. Pray according to the scriptures and God's promises. Pray for God's will to be done and for the wisdom, strength, and whatever else it takes for you to accept whatever his will is.

~ God's plan for your life might not be the plan you have for your life. Pray that God would match your hearts desires with His.

~ God calls you to love others. Do it. Treat others as God treats you. Love them first. Extend grace and mercy and forgiveness. It surprises me how I expect others to love me and treat me with grace and mercy and so on before I do the same to them.

~ When we rely on ourselves or others, it leaves us disappointed, frustrated, and hopeless. Thankfully, everything we could ever need God provides for us, and we can always rely on Him. When I do, I'm left feeling loved, at peace, and hopeful. For he loves me (1 John 4:19), he never leaves me (Joshua 1:5), and his ways are perfect (Deut. 32:4).

~ We love to try to be in control, but it often leaves us frustrated, tired, worried, stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed. This is because we cannot control others or the circumstances of our lives, but we can control ourselves, our actions and attitudes, and we can do it in the right way with God's help.

~ Envy and jealousy are a dangerous business that lead to dissatisfaction, depression, and bitterness in our lives. They are unproductive and destructive emotions. If you stop focusing on others' haves and your have nots, you will be much more content and at peace with your life. Again, it somewhat goes back to the previous issue of control. You can only control yourself and make the most of your life that's been given to you.

~ If you want friends, be a friend first. Don't wait for others to approach you, seek out friendships.

~ If you need encouragement, encourage others first.

~ When you don't feel like praying, pray. When you don't feel like worshiping, worship.

The tears came; Let the praises ring

The tears came today, in fact, they're still falling as I write this. If you've been reading, you know they haven't really come in awhile.

I like today's tears. But let me start from the beginning...

It started this morning with an unexpected conversation that I began as I was putting on my gym shoes after finishing my yoga class.

Her name is Marla, and her son's name is Freddie; they attend our church. On Saturday my husband and I are going to be walking as part of Team Freddie for the National Down Syndrome Society's Buddy Walk. (Freddie has Down Syndrome, also known as Trisomy 21.)

Marla was delivering t-shirt orders for Team Freddie, and we walked out to her car to get my order. We began chatting about Freddie (unfortunately he didn't make Buddie of the year even though he has 195 people on his team). We also began chatting about military life, and she asked the inevitable question, "Do you and your husband have any children?"

And so I told her about Hailey and Trisomy 18. Two mothers. Two different stories. Two babies with chromosomal disorders - both diagnosed about a week after birth. And similar in that the world of Trisomy disorders came unexpectedly to us in our ignorance of them and similar in that God blessed us both with very special children.

I told Marla how happy I was to be able to support Freddie and other children with Trisomy 21 because Hailey could have been one of them, because Hailey shared something unique with them; she had Trisomy, just a different number. So not only am I walking for Freddie, but I'm walking for Hailey too.

No my tears didn't come during our conversation nor did our conversation make me sad; they never do when I first tell Hailey's story to someone. Instead, the conversation left my heart feeling warmed.

On the drive home Hailey filled my mind, as she often does, and I drove along thinking of her, thinking of Freddie, enjoying the fall weather with my windows rolled down, cool breeze on my face, the sun warming my skin, and then this song began to play on the radio. (I challenge you to watch/listen to the song in its entirety).



Enter instantaneous tears. Tears began streaming down my face. As I drove I turned the volume up louder and let myself embrace the moment. A moment of worship. I released all the emotions I felt inside and listened and sang every word and cried out and praised God.

And so of course when I got home I immediately hopped on iTunes and bought the song and am now playing it as I write this post, tears still trickling down, a smile on my heart.

I love these tears. I love these moments. These are the moments I know are gifts from God where I am completely overwhelmed by his love, where I feel like I can almost literally feel his arm around me, where I've never felt more blessed in my life.

One of my favorite verses since losing Hailey, that expresses one of my hopes, is Psalm 30:11 "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing."

Here I am thinking of Hailey, missing her, loving her, and all I want to do is stretch my arms out wide, dance in circles, sing out the words of this song, and praise God for loving me, for giving me Hailey, for never leaving me, for the goodness he continues to bring, for turning my mourning into joyful dancing, literally, and for how amazing and wondrous his love and ways are... for I feel I've seen a glimpse of Him and it's indescribable.

There is no other explanation than God's love for how I can sit here, 9 months and 1 day after I held my baby girl for one last time experiencing the deepest of griefs, and be overwhelmed by this awesome joy and love that I feel.

And during these moments, I can't help but wonder how people doubt His existence, and I can't help but feel sad for those who don't know the love and joy and hope of His that I do.

<sigh>

Love these days, these moments, these tears. While on most days I struggle hearing others tell new moms and their babies how blessed they are by God because that causes me to wonder what that makes me and my daughter who was sick and is now buried in the ground... But today, today I can call myself blessed because I know Jesus and my relationship with him has reached depths I never imagined experiencing.

I am blessed.  I am loved.

Thank you Jesus.

From the Autumn Leaves, that will ride the breeze
To the Faith it takes, to pray and sing
From the Painted sky, to my plank filled eye
He is God of all, He is everything

I'm giving my life to the only one who makes the Moon reflect the sun.
Every Starry Night, that was His design.
I'm giving my life to the only son, who was and is and yet to come
Let the praises ring, 'cause he is everything.

Here without you...9 Months

I've been here without Hailey for 9 months now. It's been really hard for me lately always to actually think back to this day nine months ago and back to the day we buried her. Most of it actually gives me a sick feeling in my stomach when I do.

I don't like to think of Hailey after her soul passed into Heaven, but I do because it's a truth that's there. It's been on my mind lately because of this book that I'm reading. I heard of this really great Christian fiction trilogy called Defiance, Texas awhile back that I thought sounded really intriguing so I bought it. Well here I am at the start of the second book reading from the perspective of a mom who lost her daughter as she's confronted with her daughter's body, as she attends her daughter's funeral service and her burial. (I promise you I had no idea I was going to be reading about this.)

Anyway, the mother makes a lot of comparisons I completely relate to, and it actually brought me back to that non-fiction book by Angie Smith called I Will Carry You that I read not too long ago that made my grief feel fresher than ever because both books touch on things I relate to... that I think anyone who has lost a child or love one can relate to.

I mentioned earlier that this is the stuff I don't like to think about it. The stuff that's hard. It's where there's no joy and positive "stuff." Which is why on day's like today I tend to focus on the things that have joy and hope like thinking about where Hailey is today and that is perfect and happy and healed in Heaven with her Father.

But what I don't like to think about is the "stuff" that came along with her death. The morbid stuff no one likes to think about, read about, or talk about. (So if that's you - a little disclaimer here - don't read the rest of this. I will write with love and discretion, but the truth is some of it is just morbid and may be disturbing to some people.)

Nine months ago today, I held Hailey's body in my arms, her in her fleece jammies and wrapped in her pink fleece blanket, and I felt her skin turn from somewhat warm to cold. The memory of me kissing her cold forehead for the last time is vivid and one that still gives me shivers. It was not a shock that she felt cold; I knew that was a biological part of death, and I expected it. But for the mother in me, it was a shock. I absolutely hated feeling my baby so unbelievably cold. All I wanted to do as her mom was make her warm. But I couldn't, and it bothered me, and still does to tell the truth. (Both writers mention this in their books).

I know Hailey is alive in Heaven right now as I type this, but that doesn't change the fact that her body is still here on this earth. The body of my child is here.... (yeah, the morbid part...) And it's so that's hard when I think about it sometimes.

We buried Hailey in January. In the peak of winter in northern Illinois, snow on the ground. I never told anybody this, but I hated how she was there, in the ground, so cold and alone. It bothered me to think of her that way. I wanted to warm her, give her another blanket, a jacket, or something. I know, crazy right? But I guess I'm not the only mother who has lost a child that has thought along these lines. Also, I hated having to leave "her" to come back to Alabama. When the spring hit, I hated knowing it would rain on her; a part of me had the thought of wanting to put an umbrella over her grave. I hated hate thinking about nature, its elements, and my baby's casket...

But like I said, thankfully I know she's not really cold, alone, wet, or anything else because she is alive and well in Heaven. But as her mom, her care taker, her protector, it's hard because I still feel a responsibility and connected to what is left of her here. Which is why I miss not being able to go visit her grave.

Since we've buried Hailey, I think about cemeteries and gravestones in a different way. And especially now that Halloween rolls around and graves and cemeteries become images of terror and horror - it really bothers me. Now when I see a cemetery, I wonder whose loved one is there, how are they doing in their grief, and so on. To me, Hailey's grave is not creepy or scary or anything of the sort. Instead, it's her body's resting place her on earth. And as much as I hate thinking about the realities of my daughter being buried, I don't have any real negative emotions attached to her cemetery or burial spot or gravestone. Sure it makes me sad, it's my baby afterall, but it's something that words can't explain.

Anyway, today, 9 months since I lost her, I actually wish I could go visit her grave. If I could, I would sit there and just be close to "her" for a moment. I would talk and pray. I would bring her some pretty flowers as something from me that I could leave behind so once I left people would know this baby is remembered and loved and celebrated every single day.

If you read this post in its entirety, I pray you can understand my words and my heart, and I hope it wasn't too hard or uncomfortable for you. (This is one of those posts that's more for me to release and record some of my thoughts.) Although I wrote about this hard topic for me today and I do wish I could go visit her grave and spend some time with her and God in that way, I'm not depressed or too sad because my mind focuses on where Hailey really is today and that's in Heaven, where there's no death, no illness, no shame, no pain, no sorrow, where she's together with her Father and surrounded by more perfect joy and love that I can only hope to experience one day with her. And so while of course I feel sadness in missing her, I'm comforted by these truths.

I love you Hailey Marie. I looked at a picture of you today. You looked so beautiful in it that it took my breath away.

Bringing Awareness & Remembering

Most people know the month of October to be National Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but did you know the month of October has also been officially declared National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month?

In remembrance of Hailey and in support of all those who have also lost their babies... here's what I'm doing:

October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

1. Project Sweet Peas Memorial Balloon Release

I am proud to be one of the Project Sweet Peas local leaders holding a memorial balloon release where I live. I will be writing the names of babies lost due to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death on balloons and releasing them. Names can be submitted online on the wall of our Facebook event page or by emailing info@projectsweetpeas.com. These names will be randomly divided amongst the project leaders participating. I will be releasing some of the balloons from the list as well as any balloons that friends, family, or local community members request I personally release here in Alabama. I will be releasing the balloons with the names given to me on Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day, October 15th at 4:30pm at the Enterprise Recreation Park on the bridge that goes over the pond.  It is free to submit a name and have a balloon released (submission ends Oct. 10th).

2. Walk to Remember

Josh and I will be participating in an event held on October 16th by Empty Arms Infant Loss Support Group of Dothan called "Walk to Remember." There will be a ½ mile walk, memorial service with the reading of each baby's name, and we will be able to release a butterfly for Hailey (I'm very excited about this part).

3. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope



As I mentioned in my last post, I shared my face and story of loss on this organization's website, and they will be publishing my face and story of hope soon.

4. I am the Face



I AM THE FACE is a national movement whose goal is to raise $2,000 for the 2,000 women who lose a baby every day and to put a 'face' to the issue of infant loss. Their goal is to not only raise the money but have 2,000 women submit their face of loss. They also have a section on their website called "Gone Too Soon" that lists each baby's name submitted by the faces of loss. I've submitted my picture and Hailey's name. Their $2,000 will support the organization above.

What can you do to raise awareness and support those who have experienced the tragedy of losing a baby?

10 Months... Dear Hailey...

Another 1st of the month means another monthly anniversary of Hailey's birth. She would have turned 10 months old today, and as I say every month, I can hardly believe that much time has passed.

Today is what I call a good day for my grief as I find many more reasons to rejoice than to mourn. It's another day my heart overflows with feelings of love, joy, and gratitude for my daughter's life. Another day where I feel so thankful God placed her in my life, gave her to me, and I'm so thankful for what I've learned because of her. Another day where I can think of her with a smile. Another day where I'm proud to be her momma.  A day where I feel at peace with her death and where I am... as strange as that is to say.

All I know today is that even though she was terminally ill and passed away, I am thankful for her life. I am proud to be her mom and call her my daughter. And I want to shout to the world how much I love her. I wish I could speak the words to her ears and show her with an embrace one more time, but I can't. So for now, I show my love for her by speaking her name, talking about her, wearing her footprint around my neck, and giving my heart to Hailey's Hope and helping others. And in my prayers, I ask Jesus to let her know for me until I return to her and can do it myself in Heaven.

In thinking these things, I thought I'd write them to her today:

Dear Hailey Marie,

Ten months ago today, we met for the first time, but we knew each other long before.

You weren't what I expected, and I'm sorry for any pain you went through.

Nothing went as I had planned, but God, he knew.


Even so I hope you know I would have given anything to trade places with you.

While you were here I pray we brought you comfort and that you felt our love.

Sometimes I feel I could have done a better job loving you and for that I'm deeply sorry.


I wish I could have loved you more, held you more, kissed you more, and poured my praises over you more.


I pray that you would forgive me for the times I failed you.

Please know, every moment we spent together I cherished,

and I'm sorry for the moments we spent apart, that I didn't hold you every second of every day.

The Lord knows how much I loved you, and I pray you do too.

I loved holding you tight in my arms, feeling the weight of your body, rocking you back and forth.

I loved breathing you in as I touched my face to yours.

I miss those moments most.


If I had to pick my favorite memory with you,

it'd be our time alone late at night, just me and you.

I'd hold you in my arms as we rocked back and forth in our chair.

I'd sing to you and talk to you, as we searched each other's eyes.

My love often came out in tears, the unique mixture of joy and sorrow overflowing.

I hope you know why I cried and why sometimes I still do.

The tears didn't mean I didn't love you, didn't want you, weren't happy with you, or anything of the sort.

I was sad for what you went through and that you were going to leave me for a better place.

Sad we weren't going to be able to spend more time together on this Earth.

Sad because I didn't want to let you go, because I didn't know who I'd be without you,

and because I didn't know how I would just be here without you.


Until we're reunited again, I do my best to show you and the world how much I love you.

I dream of the moments we'll spend together some day.

I see a butterfly, and I dream of chasing them with you in a field of tall, green grass,

and I imagine you giggling in delight.


I see a flower, marvel in its beauty, and think of you.

I dream of the day we'll wander through God's garden and I can pick a flower to give to you.

On days where I walk outside and look up at the enormity of the sky,

I dream of the time where we can lie down on our backs against the ground,

and look up together, making pictures of the clouds.

I can't wait to take your hand in mine and dance around together as we worship Him.

I love my memories and my dreams of you,


and until the day my dreams come true please know,

I'm so proud to be your mom, and I thank God for you.


I love you more than words can express and miss you just the same.

Love forever and always,

Your momma