Okay well I'm back from my mini blogging hiatus. I think part of it was that I'm realizing and becoming more discontent with how much time I spend with technology whether it be the Internet or in front of the television. So I am not abandoning blogging or technology, but I will be managing my time a bit differently.
But my mini break was more than just that. The past few days have been tough emotionally and mentally for me, and I don't like to blog when my heart and my mind are so drenched in troubles and sorrow and I can't see straight. Since I don't want to go into all the details, I will just say that I feel like I am experiencing more life troubles than I should have to be experiencing and dealing with at 25 years old, and I feel very weighed down by them all this week. I always try to clear my mind or come to some sort of peace before I write about the issues I'm struggling with, and this time it took much longer than usual for me to sit myself down in front of the computer and write. If I had attempted to write this post sooner, I think I would have found myself staring at my computer screen in an empty daze. But I feel I'm in a better place to write now.
Yesterday I finally started reading Angie Smith's book I Will Carry You. For those of you wondering, I first came across Angie Smith's story the week we buried Hailey. I think I may have mentioned it before. But someone from our church gave my mother-in-law a copy of a Christian magazine with a story of a woman who experienced the loss of her baby. My mother-in-law passed this magazine article along to me. Angie Smith is the wife of a Christian musician in a band called Selah. While Angie was pregnant with their little girl Audrey Caroline, they received the most devastating news in the world, the news I hate that I can relate to, that their baby girl had some conditions that made her "incompatible with life" (oh how I hate that phrase!). As a result, they were counseled by the doctors to terminate her pregnancy, but Angie and her husband made the decision to carry her until God took her - hence the book title. After reading the article, I found Angie's blog and started following it. Her blog is one of the reasons I decided to try to blog. While following her blog I learned that she had written a book about her journey with Audrey and God and it was about to be published. I was thrilled when she announced that her book would be available for free as an ebook on Barnes and Noble's website for a limited time in celebration of its release. So of course I jumped on the offer and downloaded it. I have had the book downloaded for a few months now and am finally reading it. For the most part it's taken this long because I've been a bit hesitant to read an ebook. You see I would much rather be able to carry the book with me, touch the pages, and so on. But I will admit, reading an ebook on my computer screen isn't all that bad...
Some may wonder why I am so open about my emotions and thoughts when I blog and why I blog about things so close to my heart, things that cause me great pain, things that many people would much rather bury deep inside of themselves... well reading Angie's words yesterday again gave me a reminder of why I do it and brought to light some of the deeper issues behind why I do it:
"I decided to start writing a blog to keep our friends and family updated and to avoid the agony of having to retell everything over and over. It was good therapy for me to sit in my bed in silence and pour my heart out to the keyboard. I didn't have to look in people's eyes or watch them uncomfortably search for the right words when we both knew there weren't any" (p. 38).
This was just the first of many times I found myself reading her words thinking I was reading about myself. In another post, or maybe a few to come, I would like to write about reliving my experience as I read her words...how I relate...how they bring me comfort...joy...and sorrow. As much as I hate it, I'm learning that sometimes the only ways for me to deal with my grief are through tears, writing, and reading the words of others who have been there. Grieving over the loss of a baby has got to be one of the most isolating experiences in the world. And so, reading is one of those avenues that makes me feel less alone.
So, feeling 'down' yesterday with nothing to do, I found myself sitting in our over-sized chair with my laptop on my life captivated by Angie's writing. My husband and I have been debating since then on whether that was the right thing for me to do or not... reading a book I knew would make me cry when I was already sad and 'down' - and even I debate with myself. It's just something I don't understand...
But before I get into that, I should just confess about why I was feeling down yesterday. One of the difficulties of yesterday was something I wished wouldn't have happened, and I really tried my hardest not to let it. You see while I'm getting better about being around babies and pregnant women, it's still difficult sometimes, and I hate that it's difficult and that it always bring about feelings of envy and other destructive thoughts. So anyway, yesterday someone we know gave birth to a little girl. I did my best all day to be genuinely happy for them and not to be sad for myself and keep those destructive thoughts at bay, but in the end I couldn't hide from my grief and my brokenness that remains. I fought the battle all day. I found myself wanting to cry numerous times, but I pushed back the tears. By the late afternoon I felt 'weak' and surrendered to my grief - again learning that sometimes it's best to surrender than push it back and pretend it's not there. I gave in and cried at the thought of this mother and her bundle of 'perfection' and the thought of my empty arms and broken heart. Lord knows how much I missed Hailey yesterday and how much I grieved over my inability to be a mother to her. The longing for her was unbearable. And so I searched for something... and found Angie's book. Again, debatable as to whether I should have been reading it or not... but I did.
And like I said, parts of it brought me comfort... parts brought me joy... and parts brought me sorrow. But what I'd like to write about are the parts that related to where I'm finding myself now and that happens to be with how discontent I am with this life and this world. (I'll just interject here and say that and what I'm about to write about is not me being like suicidal or anything...if you are a Christian, I think you will be able to understand me on this, and if you're not, just know you don't need to be worried about me.).
Angie quotes C.S. Lewis at one point in the book - two people putting into words what I have been dealing with lately:
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world."
Angie writes,
"The happiest place on Earth is not on this Earth. This life was never meant to fill us or satisfy our need for goodness. It wasn't designed to give us an answer but rather to let the question penetrate our lives daily... If you only hear me on this one thing, all of these words will be worth it. For all of you who want to know the secret to how we are breathing through this, it is pretty simple.
He is enough.
I am not a preacher. I will not pretend to be. I am a woman who realizes more and more every day that I want Jesus more than I want the teacups to keep spinning [reference to her story about Disney World]. In this life, we are going to be disappointed. We will hurt. But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look...
...The fact that in this life, on this Earth, I am going to hunger. The hunger will not be satisfied. It cannot be. And when the wind blows through my soul and tempts me to despair over the lot I have been given, I cling to the truth that the Lord has something better for me. It won't always be like this. You will know him fully one day, and all the hurts that consume you in this moment will vanish and be forgotten. I know it sounds crazy. I guess it's crazy to think that a God could love us so much that He would want to create a place to be with Him eternally, where we can revel in His perfection and rest in true peace." (p. 61-62, 66)
What she writes about is exactly where I find myself lately. It seems like with each new day there comes a new blow from life. I am getting tired of being disappointed by people, tired of problems piling up at my doorstep, and am feeling 'despair over the lot I have been given.' I honestly never knew life could be so full of so many problems at 25, but it is, and so I am continuing to cling on to God's hand and run after him, because in the end, he really is all I have, all any of us have. He does not disappoint. His love is perfect. And I can always count on that and that one day I will experience the wholeness of that perfection and love.
One last thing before I go. (I do hope you are still reading). I read and devoured the pages in Angie's book last night. But I got to a point where I had to stop. A breaking point that caused my grief to overwhelm me. This is what caused it (Angie wrote this in her blog):
"I wanted to try and fit a lifetime of love into a few short months, and as we approach the end of the road, it occurs to me that there isn't enough time to tell her everything. And so now I have to trust a different side of God the Father. Will You tell her all about me and what I would have been to her? Will You show her glimpses of how we would have lived life together?" (p. 77).
That's it. Right there. And again, I might lose it. That's some of the worst pain of losing your child captured in words. The pain I deal with every day. The pain that she doesn't know me. And more so, the pain that I don't know her, my own baby, my own daughter. The pain of the memories we can't make together as a family... I don't know her. I don't know what she would look like right now if she were alive. I don't how old she would be when she took her first steps. I don't know what her first word would be. I don't know if she'd grow up to be quiet and reserved like me or the daring, adventurer like her daddy. I'll never experience her crawling into our bed at night because she's scared of the storms outside. I'll never experience brushing her hair...pushing her on a swing... and I could go on and on...
I had to stop reading at that point. It hit my source of pain dead on. I read it, immediately tears filled my eyes, and I thought, "Oh my God, yes this is how I feel. Lord, yes will you? Please God..." and "She knows what it's like too... oh Lord, I hate that we share this pain..."
Call me crazy, but I'm going to read some more today. But I think it's clear, I need to do it slowly and be prepared to feel my grief and allow myself to grieve over Hailey and miss her. And just for the record, I miss her so much, but I love her more. If that makes any sense.
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