I didn't anticipate it being this long between blog posts again. Sorry readers! Since I started blogging, I've been used to blogging 4-5 times a week, but for some reason lately I've been feeling a greater need to step away from my blog for longer periods of time and just spend more time with the Lord. I think it goes back to what I wrote in my last post: I can't write until I feel somewhat at peace in my heart and in my head, and this past week has been a rough one if I'm going to be honest. I'm not going to get into that right now though. For now, I would like to finish what I started writing about last Saturday, which is the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. (If you haven't read that post, you might want to start there before continuing on.)
So I finished Angie's book on Sunday. I read it all in one weekend. I found her book to be one of the best and most honestly written books on the loss of an infant. I really would say it's the best of the best that's out there in Christian fiction on grief.
However, it really surprised me that this was by far the hardest book I have read since losing Hailey. While there were some other issues I was dealing with in my life last weekend that could have contributed to the difficulty I found in reading it, I really think the book would have been a difficult read even if I weren't taking those other 'issues' into consideration.
Reading her book truly made me feel like I was reading my own words, except she expresses herself much better than I can and at times I felt like she was expressing things that I had longed to express myself but couldn't figure out how to do so. And while that is awesome for a writer to write like that, it was really hard for me as the reader. Reading the book, her thoughts, her emotions, her memories, her experiences, made me feel like I had just buried Hailey a day ago. I mean it brought back all of my own thoughts, emotions, memories, and experiences and made it all feel brand new, sort of like it was happening all over again. I don't know why, but I wasn't prepared to be taken back to that place when reading her book. I guess in retrospect I should have anticipated it, after all, I knew what I was going to be reading about...
But feeling the 'freshness' of my grief and losing Hailey was a little unbearable for me. I felt like I had come so far in my grief journey and was doing so well - not like I was over it or anything as I am clearly aware that grief to me seems a bit like a roller coaster or a vary windy road - but I didn't expect 'this,' feeling like I was back at square one, when I was learning Hailey was going to die, making burial arrangements, etc. And honestly, I didn't expect it, and I just couldn't handle it. I broke down into a sobbing mess a lot last weekend. And I think the grief has kind of carried itself with me throughout this week, but it's getting a little better with each passing day.
So when I first started reading the book, I was marking and highlighting places I wanted to write about on my blog, but I don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon. I need to distance myself a little from the text I think since it evoked such a strong emotional, grieving response for me.
But all in all, it really is a great book on grief and the loss of an infant and offers a lot of Biblical insights, and I would strongly recommend for others to read it. However, from my experience, I just have to caution anyone planning on reading it to be prepared for it to evoke some potentially strong grieving emotions and have lots of Kleenex next to you while you read.
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