Hailey's 8 Month Birthday

Today Hailey would have turned 8 months old. I can hardly believe she would be that old already. My mind struggles to imagine an image of her as an 8 month old. I don't know what she'd look like or what accomplishments I'd be bragging about to friends... I don't know any other way to say it than to say it makes me sad.

Usually I like to focus on celebrating her life and remembering her on her birthdays and reflecting on my grief on the anniversaries of her passing, but I don't think this post is going to follow those 'rules' I've set for myself.

I miss her.

I miss her every day of course, but some days missing her is harder than others.

So far today, in this moment, I am okay. The grief isn't too bad or unbearable. It's somewhat like an art I've learned to master. Although, like I said, some days are harder to manage than others.

While my grief often hits me out of nowhere, like a cold, hard slap in the face, I'm starting to notice it has a pattern or a cycle. For example, I seem to be having a 'grieving breakdown' once a month usually around this week of remembering her birthday and the day she passed.

My latest breakdown happened a few days ago when I became a sobbing mess late at night. My heart just broke all over again and everything I've worked to overcome and 'manage' with my grief just slipped away leaving me to only feel the raw, painful agony of losing my baby.

In retrospect, it's no surprise I broke down. A lot of factors influenced my break down I am sure. It had been a stressful week with my wisdom teeth ordeal and Josh's selection. Then on Thursday Josh had his wisdom teeth removed and that too was a stressful day as I tried my best to take care of him. It was late at night. My bedtime was hours past due. I was exhausted, but Josh was awake and, like I said, I was trying to be a good nurse for him. We were watching Bethenny Getting Married? on Bravo. I think I mentioned in a past post that I was testing the waters with watching this show - seeing if I could handle it, and for the most part I could. It hadn't made me sad; it had only made me miss being pregnant with her and made me think of my love for her.... That was until that night. It was the episode after Bethenny's baby was born.

Her baby was probably one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. Gorgeous and perfect. I watched the episode as Bethenny went through the sleepless cycle of a new mommy and as she talked about her baby girl and her love for her baby. I felt it coming as I watched, but there was a moment in the show that just made me have to leave the room. Bethenny's therapist asked her if she had any fears of her baby dying or losing her, etc. And she said no. Well that pretty much unleashed my grief.

Here this woman is with a picture perfect baby girl and all I can do is stare at her baby on my television screen and think Hailey didn't look like that.... Hailey couldn't do that... I couldn't hold Hailey like that... And then when she said that comment... she didn't have a reason to think about her baby dying, and here I am and that's all we thought of since the minute she was born. Every minute my baby was with me I had to wonder if it would be her last.

Yes, a stupid reality TV show made me hurt so bad. Seeing on TV everything I wished for Hailey in this other little baby girl... ugh, it just rips my heart open and brings back all the ugly questions, why did this have to happen to Hailey, my baby... it brings back the longings to see her, touch her, smell her, hold her... it brings back the memories of her weight in my arms, what it felt like to hold her little body... and then it brings frustration when I can't remember things... like the way she smelled... for a moment this week I couldn't remember what her face looked like so I had to look at a picture... and lately I've been trying to remember the sounds she'd make and I can't. I can't remember what she sounded like when she'd cry and it's driving me nuts. I know all I have to do is put in a video we recorded of her... but it sucks that all I have are pictures and videos... but I guess I should be thankful that I least I have those.

So anyway, back to my story... I left the room holding back tears. I went to the kitchen to make Josh some more chicken noodle soup. He couldn't eat it with a spoon yet so I was trying to pour it into a bottle for him to drink out of... well being exhausted since it was so late and feeling the grief banging on the door, I attempted to pour and managed to get nothing in the bottle and everything went down the sink drain. That made me lose it. My emotions overwhelmed. I ran to the bedroom slamming the door behind me and sat in the bathroom sobbing for a few minutes. Then I did my best to gather my composure and went back to trying to take care of Josh. But I made him change the channel. I can't watch Bethenny Getting Married anymore.

And then another day last week I had to tell someone about Hailey. It wasn't an awkward conversation at all. I talked a bit about her and the girl who I was talking to asked questions about her, which I liked. It went really well. Yet... part of me hates how it went. Part of me feels like I get it wrong sometimes, like people leave with the wrong impression. Whenever I talk about Hailey to someone I focus on the blessings of her life and how she was a gift from God, etc. Which is all true, don't get me wrong. But I wonder if I over due it for the sake of the person I'm talking to. I don't want them to feel bad for me or 'turn awkward', so I wonder if I come off like what happened to Hailey, to us was no big deal. And I hate that. I think the way I talk makes people feel like I'm not grieving still and that it hasn't been hard.  So I wonder if I give people the wrong impression because I don't want them to feel awkward or sad for me. I don't know. I just walked away from that conversation feeling uneasy about the smile I put on my face and responses I gave. They are all truthful and honest and real... yet somehow a part of me wants to scream out and say yes God has been in control and is carrying me through this, but you don't realize how hard it has been, you have no idea of what the pain is like or how much I miss her. And I think I also felt this was because she asked me if we were going to try to have another baby. I know it's a natural, innocent question that I would probably even ask if I were in her shoes, but it' s a question I still don't like. I know she didn't mean it this way, but when I get asked it I feel like people think having another baby will replace Hailey, will replace what we went through, and will make everything better...but it won't do any of that. Yes we would like to have another baby some day, but people have NO clue what that will be like and how hard that will be if'/when it's time for us to walk that road...

So all of this to say, today on her 8 month birthday, I miss her. I'm thankful for her life. I love her. But missing her hurts. And navigating my life in light of this grief I carry is hard and will always be hard. Hailey and my grief will forever be a part of my life. Even if I'm living 60 years from now, everything in my life will have been influenced by her and my grief and I will still be missing her...and I wonder if people will ever realize that as we all gone on without her.

**Love you so much munchkin. I hope you know that.**