7 Months; Pslam 73

Usually I do a "Faith Dare Friday" post on Fridays... but not today. Today marks 7 months without Hailey.

The greatest struggle I'm having is a love that feels incomplete. A love that is meant to be given to my daughter but instead remains captive inside me, not able to be released. Imagine water filling a balloon. The water keeps pouring; the balloon keeps expanding. The water never stops and eventually the balloon bursts. That's how my heart feels some days. My love for her remains and grows in my heart, but I am unable to give my love to her. So the love swells and expands inside of me, like a water balloon filling up, and this actually causes pain. It hurts as it sits there with no relief becoming heavier and heavier with pressure. Eventually it causes my heart to break and the 'burst' comes in the form of tears.

This week has been an emotional one (and yes I'm blaming part of it on being a hormonal woman). But I've been thinking of my dad a lot. I had a dream about him the other night. It was reminiscent of the last time I hugged him, and I knew it was our goodbye. In my dream everything about that day was the same, but this time my dad and I spoke the feelings and thoughts in our head. And this time, I didn't put my wall up which makes me feel strong and hold back the tears. This time, in my dream, as I spent that moment wrapped in my dad's arms... I buried my face in his chest and let my sorrow, fear, and grief out. I sobbed and sobbed as I embraced my dad for the final time...

And of course, I've been thinking of Hailey a lot. Since she's passed, I've been going longer and longer between the gut-wrenching-sobbing-lost-in-grief moments. But they're still there. If I wanted to analyze it, I would say for the past several months this has happened about once a month. But this month it's happened twice in a week. I feel like I've pinned the occurrences down to right around this week of remembering her birthday and her passing, yet when these moments hit me, it always feels like it's out of nowhere.

Yesterday I struggled not to throw myself a pity party, which I'm really good at doing by the way. I struggled with thinking about only the negative aspects of my life and about the positive aspects of others' lives. I struggled with doing that painful game of comparing my life to that of someone else - why is my life like *this* and why does *this person* get everything they've ever dreamed of... I try to be faithful to God and *this person* couldn't care less about God... I struggle with feeling like I'm given troubles and they are given blessings and saying it's not fair...  I battled with jealousy, envy, discontentment, frustration, and anger. At one point I wanted to take every glass in my house and smash it against a wall. I didn't of course, but yes I really had that thought.

In the midst of these thoughts and feelings, I longed to understand and to be comforted. And of course, God came through. Like he always does.

Last night while waiting for Josh to come to bed, I grabbed my Bible from on top of my nightstand. I've been studying the book of Isaiah, but for some reason I flipped it open to a "random" page in the books of Psalms. I wanted a comforting word and there it was. A seemingly random turn of the page, and there were the words I needed to hear... words that, to my surprise, echoed my thoughts:

Psalm 73

¹Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.

² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.

³ For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

⁴ They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.

⁵ They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.

⁶ Therefore pride is their necklace...

¹² This is what the wicked are like—
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

¹³ Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.

¹⁴ All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning...

¹⁶ When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me

¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny...

²¹ When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

Seriously, I love God. I am so thankful for his perfect timing on this one. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in my struggles. This was exactly what was on my heart, and I needed these words and reminders to bring me peace and comfort. And I did exactly what the psalmist wrote in verse 28. My emotional wreck of a mind and heart were calmed, and I found sleep by making the Lord my refuge, feeling wrapped and safe in my heavenly father's arms.

But yes, even though God is my refuge, my healer, my comforter, my all-in-all... life is still hard, and I still miss Hailey. Losing her still hurts and always will, and I will still cry many tears over her.

Oh and one last thing, I think I wrote this in the post on her 8 month birthday, but I have been struggling to remember her... I don't know if there is anything worse than feeling like you're forgetting your child. For awhile I couldn't remember what her face looked like unless I looked at a picture - and of course I couldn't remember her smell or the sounds she made because those are the hardest memories to replay I feel. But today I'm able to remember her. Not perfectly I know. But today I can remember things I thought I was forgetting... although the memories are fleeting and hard to hold down in my mind... they're there, and they're comforting.

Even so, I think today if I can muster up the courage, I just might watch some videos of her (it's been awhile)...