Me vs. My "Mountain"

Before I went on my little vacation from blogging, I was in the habit of writing about my FaithDares on Fridays - hence the titles "FaithDare Friday." I am still doing the FaithDares, but I am not going to commit to writing about them every Friday on my blog. Instead, I think I'm just going to share about what God is doing in my life through these FaithDares as I feel led to share. But if you want to keep up with the dares on your own, I highly recommend and even DARE you to do it! You can find them here.

As I've alluded to in my most recent posts, the past week or two have been pretty rough. I've tried to use that time to sort of turn inward and do a lot of self-examining, reflecting, praying, etc. I guess I sort of felt like a lot of issues in my life were really weighing me down. I was really struggling to stand up and not feel as though I was being buried by them.

Even though this has been one of the hardest times I've faced this year, I turned toward God knowing that even if I felt like everything was going wrong and feeling alone in various ways that I can always count on God. I prayed and prayed and clung to his promises. And usually doing those things helps me through the dark patches in life, but for some reason this time I wasn't feeling the same relief, and it became very frustrating for me. I didn't want to feel depressed or sad or down, but I did and I couldn't shake it. The reality of the situation is that many of the things weighing me down are things beyond my power and my control and can never be changed (such as losing Hailey and my dad). I knew that but my perspective was still wrong.

I saw my issues as a massive mountain standing in my way of having a "happy" life.




I knew I didn't have control over many of the issues making up my mountain, but I also knew with God all things are possible. I felt so overwhelmed by my lot in life that I didn't know how to pray other than to just be like, "God, *This* is what I'm dealing with. You know my problems better than I do. You know me better than I do. Please help me. I don't know what I need, but You do so please just help." And unfortunately praying like this was unsatisfying to me and became, like I said, frustrating. I realized in looking back that my prayers turned to cries for God to move my mountain. "Just move it, solve it, fix it, get it away from me God."

(Since I started the FaithDare and started challenging myself to spend more quality time in God's word and in prayer, I found that writing, handwriting, my thoughts, what I was learning, my prayers, and so on in a faith journal was an awesome tool that helps me have an awesome quiet time with the Lord.)

During my time alone with God on Wednesday, I wrote this in my faith journal: "Today I had a little epiphany from God. I have been sitting in the middle of my miseries sinking as I don't see a way for God to overcome or change them. I want him to fix me and make me happy...when I realized maybe he wants me waiting and trusting again. And instead of praying for myself to find happiness and feeling content with my lot that I need to change my prayers. Maybe I need to pray for things like strength to endure the troubles I'm facing and for peace of mind and heart as I trust God's promises and trust God with my life and that His plans are greater than mine. And suddenly with that realization, I feel a little more at peace...I think I've been asking and wanting God to remove my mountain instead of helping me over it."

For me my mountain has been mostly made of up facets of my grief, like envy. My feelings of envy and jealousy have torn me apart and led me to feeling depressed more times than not. In the past week or so I tried to turn inward and focus on myself, but it was so hard to do as I kept looking at everyone around me and feeling envious of their lives. Envious that God blessed them with a healthy baby. Envious that they live near their families. Envious that they have such great friends who continually encourage and support them through their grief. Envious of the smiles I saw on their faces. Envious of Facebook statuses boasting about the great thing happening in their lives. My envy just ate at me and ate at me, leaving me feeling so dissatisfied with my own life. Why am I the one whose baby died? Why am I the one whose dad died of cancer much too young and right after losing my baby? Why am I the one who lives so far away from family and friends? Why am I the one that constantly has to start life over? Why am I the one... *fill in the blank*...

And I didn't want to be like that but I couldn't help it. The Bible clearly teaches against and warns of the sin of envy, and I knew it and knew the truths of its effects:

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

And just like I didn't want to feel any bit depressed, I didn't want to feel any bit of jealousy, but I just couldn't shake it. Again, I turned to prayer asking God to help me with my envy and helping me feel content with the life God has allowed for me to live. But at the same time I was like how can anyone be content with so much grief and loss and other stressors... And again, I kept taking the focus off of myself.

There wasn't any big turning point with this one, but just a gradual, constant reminder and answer from God that I slowly began to pick up on. It was like God was saying to me, "Who cares about them? What about you? Focus on your life, not in a selfish way, but on your attitude and actions because those you have control over. You can't control who lives or who dies or who supports you or who doesn't. But you can control yourself, and you need to focus on your life, and your life's purpose which is to follow me, serve me, bring me glory."

I was reminded of scripture from FaithDare #7: John 21:21-22:

When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"  Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

To understand the whole picture you need to read the verses before, but I think this excerpt says a great deal on its own. I am so worried and consumed with everyone else. Instead of Peter, it's me saying, "Lord, what about her?" Jesus reminds me in his response to Peter that the business and lives of others is of no concern to me in the way that it has been. My business is following him: "Don't worry about anyone else, what they have that you don't, worry about your walk with me."

And can I just say, that this has all made me despise Facebook a little bit, which is why I'm not spending as much time on it as I have in the past. Why you ask? Because I find many people use their statuses (and I confess that I am guilty of doing this myself) for boasting and bragging about themselves and their lives. I fell into the trap of reading a boastful Facebook status of someone's and got caught feeling jealous and awful that I didn't have what they have... it fed my envy. So I am steering away from people who tend only to use their Facebook as a place for bragging about themselves and their wonderful lives, and I am trying to steer away from doing the same thing. I've decided that if I'm going to boast whether it be on Facebook or elsewhere, then I will boast in Christ alone:

Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 1 Cor. 1:31 (Ref. Jeremiah 9:24).

So in light of the wisdom God is giving me, I am feeling a little better, more at peace and stronger emotionally. Each day I will decide to my live with purpose and continue to live my life for God praying that my actions reveal His love and glory. And I will try to find happiness and contentment in that. Is my life perfect? No way. Is there anything to be happy about? A lot of times no. But Is God perfect? Yes. Does God give me reasons to be happy? Yes, his love, his hope, his promises....

I've also been reminded me of the serenity prayer, which was something introduced to me by my dad a very long time ago that I seem to have forgotten as of late:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

And to be honest, when I searched for the exact wording of it to write here, this was the first time I've read it in its entirety (I'm used to the first 4 infamous lines), but I have to say... the rest of the poem really speaks to me right now too. So that's where I am lately with my faith and my life. I've stopped staring at the looming mountain in front of me trying to push it away myself and I've stopped begging God to move it. Instead, I'm making the hard journey up the mountain, but thankfully I have God as my helper.