God sang to me this morning...

I went to a women's conference at our church today and heard this song for the first time ... and God sang to me...

"He is With You" Mandisa



There’s a time to live
And a time to die
There’s a time to laugh
And a time to cry
There’s a time for war
And a time for peace
There’s a hand to hold
In the worst of these
In the worst of these

He is with you when your faith is dead
And you can’t even get out of bed
Or your husband doesn’t kiss you anymore
He is with you when your baby’s gone
And your house is still
And your heart’s a stone
Cryin’ God, what’d You do that for
He is with you

There’s a time for yes
And a time for no
There’s a time to be angry
And a time to let it go
There is a time to run
And a time to face it
There is love to see you
Through all of this
Through all of this

He is with you in the conference room
When the world is coming down on you
And your wife and kids don’t know you anymore
He is with you in the ICU
When the doctors don’t know what to do
And it scares you to the core
He is with you

We may weep for a time
But joy will come in the morning
The morning light...

When nothing else is left
And you take your final breath
He is with you
He is with you

Me vs. My "Mountain"

Before I went on my little vacation from blogging, I was in the habit of writing about my FaithDares on Fridays - hence the titles "FaithDare Friday." I am still doing the FaithDares, but I am not going to commit to writing about them every Friday on my blog. Instead, I think I'm just going to share about what God is doing in my life through these FaithDares as I feel led to share. But if you want to keep up with the dares on your own, I highly recommend and even DARE you to do it! You can find them here.

As I've alluded to in my most recent posts, the past week or two have been pretty rough. I've tried to use that time to sort of turn inward and do a lot of self-examining, reflecting, praying, etc. I guess I sort of felt like a lot of issues in my life were really weighing me down. I was really struggling to stand up and not feel as though I was being buried by them.

Even though this has been one of the hardest times I've faced this year, I turned toward God knowing that even if I felt like everything was going wrong and feeling alone in various ways that I can always count on God. I prayed and prayed and clung to his promises. And usually doing those things helps me through the dark patches in life, but for some reason this time I wasn't feeling the same relief, and it became very frustrating for me. I didn't want to feel depressed or sad or down, but I did and I couldn't shake it. The reality of the situation is that many of the things weighing me down are things beyond my power and my control and can never be changed (such as losing Hailey and my dad). I knew that but my perspective was still wrong.

I saw my issues as a massive mountain standing in my way of having a "happy" life.




I knew I didn't have control over many of the issues making up my mountain, but I also knew with God all things are possible. I felt so overwhelmed by my lot in life that I didn't know how to pray other than to just be like, "God, *This* is what I'm dealing with. You know my problems better than I do. You know me better than I do. Please help me. I don't know what I need, but You do so please just help." And unfortunately praying like this was unsatisfying to me and became, like I said, frustrating. I realized in looking back that my prayers turned to cries for God to move my mountain. "Just move it, solve it, fix it, get it away from me God."

(Since I started the FaithDare and started challenging myself to spend more quality time in God's word and in prayer, I found that writing, handwriting, my thoughts, what I was learning, my prayers, and so on in a faith journal was an awesome tool that helps me have an awesome quiet time with the Lord.)

During my time alone with God on Wednesday, I wrote this in my faith journal: "Today I had a little epiphany from God. I have been sitting in the middle of my miseries sinking as I don't see a way for God to overcome or change them. I want him to fix me and make me happy...when I realized maybe he wants me waiting and trusting again. And instead of praying for myself to find happiness and feeling content with my lot that I need to change my prayers. Maybe I need to pray for things like strength to endure the troubles I'm facing and for peace of mind and heart as I trust God's promises and trust God with my life and that His plans are greater than mine. And suddenly with that realization, I feel a little more at peace...I think I've been asking and wanting God to remove my mountain instead of helping me over it."

For me my mountain has been mostly made of up facets of my grief, like envy. My feelings of envy and jealousy have torn me apart and led me to feeling depressed more times than not. In the past week or so I tried to turn inward and focus on myself, but it was so hard to do as I kept looking at everyone around me and feeling envious of their lives. Envious that God blessed them with a healthy baby. Envious that they live near their families. Envious that they have such great friends who continually encourage and support them through their grief. Envious of the smiles I saw on their faces. Envious of Facebook statuses boasting about the great thing happening in their lives. My envy just ate at me and ate at me, leaving me feeling so dissatisfied with my own life. Why am I the one whose baby died? Why am I the one whose dad died of cancer much too young and right after losing my baby? Why am I the one who lives so far away from family and friends? Why am I the one that constantly has to start life over? Why am I the one... *fill in the blank*...

And I didn't want to be like that but I couldn't help it. The Bible clearly teaches against and warns of the sin of envy, and I knew it and knew the truths of its effects:

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

And just like I didn't want to feel any bit depressed, I didn't want to feel any bit of jealousy, but I just couldn't shake it. Again, I turned to prayer asking God to help me with my envy and helping me feel content with the life God has allowed for me to live. But at the same time I was like how can anyone be content with so much grief and loss and other stressors... And again, I kept taking the focus off of myself.

There wasn't any big turning point with this one, but just a gradual, constant reminder and answer from God that I slowly began to pick up on. It was like God was saying to me, "Who cares about them? What about you? Focus on your life, not in a selfish way, but on your attitude and actions because those you have control over. You can't control who lives or who dies or who supports you or who doesn't. But you can control yourself, and you need to focus on your life, and your life's purpose which is to follow me, serve me, bring me glory."

I was reminded of scripture from FaithDare #7: John 21:21-22:

When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"  Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

To understand the whole picture you need to read the verses before, but I think this excerpt says a great deal on its own. I am so worried and consumed with everyone else. Instead of Peter, it's me saying, "Lord, what about her?" Jesus reminds me in his response to Peter that the business and lives of others is of no concern to me in the way that it has been. My business is following him: "Don't worry about anyone else, what they have that you don't, worry about your walk with me."

And can I just say, that this has all made me despise Facebook a little bit, which is why I'm not spending as much time on it as I have in the past. Why you ask? Because I find many people use their statuses (and I confess that I am guilty of doing this myself) for boasting and bragging about themselves and their lives. I fell into the trap of reading a boastful Facebook status of someone's and got caught feeling jealous and awful that I didn't have what they have... it fed my envy. So I am steering away from people who tend only to use their Facebook as a place for bragging about themselves and their wonderful lives, and I am trying to steer away from doing the same thing. I've decided that if I'm going to boast whether it be on Facebook or elsewhere, then I will boast in Christ alone:

Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 1 Cor. 1:31 (Ref. Jeremiah 9:24).

So in light of the wisdom God is giving me, I am feeling a little better, more at peace and stronger emotionally. Each day I will decide to my live with purpose and continue to live my life for God praying that my actions reveal His love and glory. And I will try to find happiness and contentment in that. Is my life perfect? No way. Is there anything to be happy about? A lot of times no. But Is God perfect? Yes. Does God give me reasons to be happy? Yes, his love, his hope, his promises....

I've also been reminded me of the serenity prayer, which was something introduced to me by my dad a very long time ago that I seem to have forgotten as of late:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

And to be honest, when I searched for the exact wording of it to write here, this was the first time I've read it in its entirety (I'm used to the first 4 infamous lines), but I have to say... the rest of the poem really speaks to me right now too. So that's where I am lately with my faith and my life. I've stopped staring at the looming mountain in front of me trying to push it away myself and I've stopped begging God to move it. Instead, I'm making the hard journey up the mountain, but thankfully I have God as my helper.

"I Will Carry You" Final Thoughts

I didn't anticipate it being this long between blog posts again. Sorry readers! Since I started blogging, I've been used to blogging 4-5 times a week, but for some reason lately I've been feeling a greater need to step away from my blog for longer periods of time and just spend more time with the Lord. I think it goes back to what I wrote in my last post: I can't write until I feel somewhat at peace in my heart and in my head, and this past week has been a rough one if I'm going to be honest. I'm not going to get into that right now though. For now, I would like to finish what I started writing about last Saturday, which is the book I Will Carry You by Angie Smith. (If you haven't read that post, you might want to start there before continuing on.)

So I finished Angie's book on Sunday. I read it all in one weekend. I found her book to be one of the best and most honestly written books on the loss of an infant. I really would say it's the best of the best that's out there in Christian fiction on grief.

However, it really surprised me that this was by far the hardest book I have read since losing Hailey. While there were some other issues I was dealing with in my life last weekend that could have contributed to the difficulty I found in reading it, I really think the book would have been a difficult read even if I weren't taking those other 'issues' into consideration.

Reading her book truly made me feel like I was reading my own words, except she expresses herself much better than I can and at times I felt like she was expressing things that I had longed to express myself but couldn't figure out how to do so. And while that is awesome for a writer to write like that, it was really hard for me as the reader. Reading the book, her thoughts, her emotions, her memories, her experiences, made me feel like I had just buried Hailey a day ago. I mean it brought back all of my own thoughts, emotions, memories, and experiences and made it all feel brand new, sort of like it was happening all over again. I don't know why, but I wasn't prepared to be taken back to that place when reading her book. I guess in retrospect I should have anticipated it, after all, I knew what I was going to be reading about...

But feeling the 'freshness' of my grief and losing Hailey was a little unbearable for me. I felt like I had come so far in my grief journey and was doing so well - not like I was over it or anything as I am clearly aware that grief to me seems a bit like a roller coaster or a vary windy road - but I didn't expect 'this,' feeling like I was back at square one, when I was learning Hailey was going to die, making burial arrangements, etc. And honestly, I didn't expect it, and I just couldn't handle it. I broke down into a sobbing mess a lot last weekend. And I think the grief has kind of carried itself with me throughout this week, but it's getting a little better with each passing day.

So when I first started reading the book, I was marking and highlighting places I wanted to write about on my blog, but I don't think I'll be doing that anytime soon. I need to distance myself a little from the text I think since it evoked such a strong emotional, grieving response for me.

But all in all, it really is a great book on grief and the loss of an infant and offers a lot of Biblical insights, and I would strongly recommend for others to read it. However, from my experience, I just have to caution anyone planning on reading it to be prepared for it to evoke some potentially strong grieving emotions and have lots of Kleenex next to you while you read.

I Dreamt of Her Again...

I can't tell you how long it's been since Hailey has visited me in my dreams. Well, actually... I probably can...hold on a minute and let me check my blog posts...My last dream of her was mentioned in a post on July 25th.

Saturday night I dreamt of her again. Which means that it's been almost a month, although it feels like longer...

The dream was rather strange, very quick, but beyond perfect and absolutely wonderful.

In the hazy, vagueness that dreams sometimes are, I approached a shopping cart. Where I was, what I was doing, I couldn't say. I was just there with a shopping cart. Yes, I'll say it again, a shopping cart, like one from Target. (I picked Target because I want to say the cart was red, but I can't be sure... you know how dreams are). As I walked up to the cart I saw two beautiful baby girls sitting next to each other in the seat. I remember the baby on the left was a healthy, 'perfect' baby, but that's all I remember. I didn't look at her. It was like I just knew that to be true. Instead, I walked closer and focused on the baby sitting to the right. The unspoken truth in the dream was that this baby was not 'perfect.' I looked at the baby's eyes. They reminded me of Hailey. You see this baby was much older than Hailey was when she passed away. This baby was chubby and sitting upright on her own in the seat in the cart. This baby had longer brown hair, and I think she had some baby bangs. This baby was clearly over 6 months old... maybe this baby was as old as Hailey would have been right now...

In my head - in my dream - I wondered if it was Hailey. But within an instant of looking at her eyes, I realized that without a doubt it was her. I walked up to her within touching distance, but not touching, and just looked at her not believing I was really seeing her. It was one of those dreams where it seemed completely real. And in my dream, I remember wondering if it was a dream and realizing that it was. Something told me to soak up what I was seeing and treasure every minute of the perfection and false reality of the moment with Hailey because it was only a dream, and then before I knew it I woke up. (Anyone else thinking Inception here? j/k... but I did think about movie a lot as I wrote this!).

I woke up disappointed that it was only a dream, but completely warmed and feeling satisfied in my heart for having felt like God had given me a glimpse of my baby girl.

And actually the more I think about my dream of her as I write this, I am realizing that the image I saw of Hailey in my dream is very reminiscent of a picture of me when I was little. Interesting... I might have to go find that picture of me.

'I Will Carry You' First Thoughts

Okay well I'm back from my mini blogging hiatus. I think part of it was that I'm realizing and becoming more discontent with how much time I spend with technology whether it be the Internet or in front of the television. So I am not abandoning blogging or technology, but I will be managing my time a bit differently.

But my mini break was more than just that. The past few days have been tough emotionally and mentally for me, and I don't like to blog when my heart and my mind are so drenched in troubles and sorrow and I can't see straight. Since I don't want to go into all the details, I will just say that I feel like I am experiencing more life troubles than I should have to be experiencing and dealing with at 25 years old, and I feel very weighed down by them all this week. I always try to clear my mind or come to some sort of peace before I write about the issues I'm struggling with, and this time it took much longer than usual for me to sit myself down in front of the computer and write. If I had attempted to write this post sooner, I think I would have found myself staring at my computer screen in an empty daze. But I feel I'm in a better place to write now.

Yesterday I finally started reading Angie Smith's book I Will Carry You. For those of you wondering, I first came across Angie Smith's story the week we buried Hailey. I think I may have mentioned it before. But someone from our church gave my mother-in-law a copy of a Christian magazine with a story of a woman who experienced the loss of her baby. My mother-in-law passed this magazine article along to me. Angie Smith is the wife of a Christian musician in a band called Selah. While Angie was pregnant with their little girl Audrey Caroline, they received the most devastating news in the world, the news I hate that I can relate to, that their baby girl had some conditions that made her "incompatible with life" (oh how I hate that phrase!). As a result, they were counseled by the doctors to terminate her pregnancy, but Angie and her husband made the decision to carry her until God took her - hence the book title. After reading the article, I found Angie's blog and started following it. Her blog is one of the reasons I decided to try to blog. While following her blog I learned that she had written a book about her journey with Audrey and God and it was about to be published. I was thrilled when she announced that her book would be available for free as an ebook on Barnes and Noble's website for a limited time in celebration of its release. So of course I jumped on the offer and downloaded it. I have had the book downloaded for a few months now and am finally reading it. For the most part it's taken this long because I've been a bit hesitant to read an ebook. You see I would much rather be able to carry the book with me, touch the pages, and so on. But I will admit, reading an ebook on my computer screen isn't all that bad...

Some may wonder why I am so open about my emotions and thoughts when I blog and why I blog about things so close to my heart, things that cause me great pain, things that many people would much rather bury deep inside of themselves... well reading Angie's words yesterday again gave me a reminder of why I do it and brought to light some of the deeper issues behind why I do it:

"I decided to start writing a blog to keep our friends and family updated and to avoid the agony of having to retell everything over and over. It was good therapy for me to sit in my bed in silence and pour my heart out to the keyboard. I didn't have to look in people's eyes or watch them uncomfortably search for the right words when we both knew there weren't any" (p. 38).

This was just the first of many times I found myself reading her words thinking I was reading about myself. In another post, or maybe a few to come, I would like to write about reliving my experience as I read her words...how I relate...how they bring me comfort...joy...and sorrow. As much as I hate it, I'm learning that sometimes the only ways for me to deal with my grief are through tears, writing, and reading the words of others who have been there. Grieving over the loss of a baby has got to be one of the most isolating experiences in the world. And so, reading is one of those avenues that makes me feel less alone.

So, feeling 'down' yesterday with nothing to do, I found myself sitting in our over-sized chair with my laptop on my life captivated by Angie's writing. My husband and I have been debating since then on whether that was the right thing for me to do or not... reading a book I knew would make me cry when I was already sad and 'down' - and even I debate with myself. It's just something I don't understand...

But before I get into that, I should just confess about why I was feeling down yesterday. One of the difficulties of yesterday was something I wished wouldn't have happened, and I really tried my hardest not to let it. You see while I'm getting better about being around babies and pregnant women, it's still difficult sometimes, and I hate that it's difficult and that it always bring about feelings of envy and other destructive thoughts. So anyway, yesterday someone we know gave birth to a little girl. I did my best all day to be genuinely happy for them and not to be sad for myself and keep those destructive thoughts at bay, but in the end I couldn't hide from my grief and my brokenness that remains. I fought the battle all day. I found myself wanting to cry numerous times, but I pushed back the tears. By the late afternoon I felt 'weak' and surrendered to my grief - again learning that sometimes it's best to surrender than push it back and pretend it's not there. I gave in and cried at the thought of this mother and her bundle of 'perfection' and the thought of my empty arms and broken heart. Lord knows how much I missed Hailey yesterday and how much I grieved over my inability to be a mother to her. The longing for her was unbearable. And so I searched for something... and found Angie's book. Again, debatable as to whether I should have been reading it or not... but I did.

And like I said, parts of it brought me comfort... parts brought me joy... and parts brought me sorrow. But what I'd like to write about are the parts that related to where I'm finding myself now and that happens to be with how discontent I am with this life and this world. (I'll just interject here and say that and what I'm about to write about is not me being like suicidal or anything...if you are a Christian, I think you will be able to understand me on this, and if you're not, just know you don't need to be worried about me.).

Angie quotes C.S. Lewis at one point in the book - two people putting into words what I have been dealing with lately:

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world."

Angie writes,

"The happiest place on Earth is not on this Earth. This life was never meant to fill us or satisfy our need for goodness. It wasn't designed to give us an answer but rather to let the question penetrate our lives daily... If you only hear me on this one thing, all of these words will be worth it. For all of you who want to know the secret to how we are breathing through this, it is pretty simple.

He is enough.

I am not a preacher. I will not pretend to be. I am a woman who realizes more and more every day that I want Jesus more than I want the teacups to keep spinning [reference to her story about Disney World]. In this life, we are going to be disappointed. We will hurt. But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look...

...The fact that in this life, on this Earth, I am going to hunger. The hunger will not be satisfied. It cannot be. And when the wind blows through my soul and tempts me to despair over the lot I have been given, I cling to the truth that the Lord has something better for me. It won't always be like this. You will know him fully one day, and all the hurts that consume you in this moment will vanish and be forgotten. I know it sounds crazy. I guess it's crazy to think that a God could love us so much that He would want to create a place to be with Him eternally, where we can revel in His perfection and rest in true peace." (p. 61-62, 66)

What she writes about is exactly where I find myself lately. It seems like with each new day there comes a new blow from life. I am getting tired of being disappointed by people, tired of problems piling up at my doorstep, and am feeling 'despair over the lot I have been given.' I honestly never knew life could be so full of so many problems at 25, but it is, and so I am continuing to cling on to God's hand and run after him, because in the end, he really is all I have, all any of us have. He does not disappoint. His love is perfect. And I can always count on that and that one day I will experience the wholeness of that perfection and love.

One last thing before I go. (I do hope you are still reading). I read and devoured the pages in Angie's book last night. But I got to a point where I had to stop.  A breaking point that caused my grief to overwhelm me. This is what caused it (Angie wrote this in her blog):

"I wanted to try and fit a lifetime of love into a few short months, and as we approach the end of the road, it occurs to me that there isn't enough time to tell her everything. And so now I have to trust a different side of God the Father. Will You tell her all about me and what I would have been to her? Will You show her glimpses of how we would have lived life together?" (p. 77).

That's it. Right there. And again, I might lose it. That's some of the worst pain of losing your child captured in words. The pain I deal with every day. The pain that she doesn't know me. And more so, the pain that I don't know her, my own baby, my own daughter. The pain of the memories we can't make together as a family... I don't know her. I don't know what she would look like right now if she were alive. I don't how old she would be when she took her first steps. I don't know what her first word would be. I don't know if she'd grow up to be quiet and reserved like me or the daring, adventurer like her daddy. I'll never experience her crawling into our bed at night because she's scared of the storms outside. I'll never experience brushing her hair...pushing her on a swing...  and I could go on and on...

I had to stop reading at that point. It hit my source of pain dead on. I read it, immediately tears filled my eyes, and I thought, "Oh my God, yes this is how I feel. Lord, yes will you? Please God..." and "She knows what it's like too... oh Lord, I hate that we share this pain..."

Call me crazy, but I'm going to read some more today. But I think it's clear, I need to do it slowly and be prepared to feel my grief and allow myself to grieve over Hailey and miss her. And just for the record, I miss her so much, but I love her more. If that makes any sense.

I'm back... maybe...

Hey readers,

Just wanted to let everyone know that despite some bad weather and food poisoning, we managed to have a great 'stay-cation' while Josh's family visited us this past week.

However, I think I may need a vacation from our 'vacation' and feel like I might need to extend my blogging 'vacation' ... maybe another day or a few or maybe a week or so...

Somewhat Random (+2 book reviews)

This post is going to be a quick 'random sprinkling of things' due to my busy day today and the wonderful fact that Josh's family is coming to visit us tomorrow!!

Yay! I'm so excited about that you have no idea. Since we live almost a thousand miles away from our families, we aren't able to see them often, which makes us miss them terribly - and for me, it can get kind of lonely down here sometimes. This will be the first time Josh has seen his family since we were last home for the weekend of my dad's memorial service (in January).  His mom and sisters will be staying with us for a week, and we have every day jammed packed with activities (and a day or two of rest in there too). We're going to go to the ocean, go snorkeling, go deep sea fishing, go to the McClelland's Zoo, go mini-golfing, go to the movies, go shopping, play cards, and more!! I am SO excited! And it's times like these I'm thankful I don't have to worry about having a job and taking off of work. I can spend my time truly enjoying every minute! (Sorry Josh, you have to find time to study!).

So I may or may not post again until they've left - we'll have to see how busy having fun we stay! :)

On a random note, I had to post today because I wanted to share these two awesome books with you. I read/ finished both books this weekend. Both books I highly recommend to military wives. But I also recommend them for military families and, yes, even to those of you outside of the military community who don't know much about it.

The first book is a Christian fiction novel (it's actually part 2 in a series but I skipped the 1st book and you can too), and it's more for the ladies. It's called Ever After by Karen Kingsbury. Seriously LOVED it. Loved how it discusses society's opinions of war, soldiers, etc. and society's views on faith. The story follows two couples - a mother and father and their daughter and her boyfriend. The mother doesn't know what she believes and lacks faith, is quite liberal, and is a reporter who covers the war in Afghanistan. The father has a strong Christian faith and is retired military.  Their story is about if/ how they can make their marriage work considering their differences. The daughter is a young college student who falls in love with a soldier who is about to deploy for his 2nd tour. I will do a mini-spoiler, all though it won't come as a shocker because even I figured it would happen before reading, but someone dies in the novel. Next to loving how the Christian faith is communicated and portrayed to the characters in the book who are against the war, think the troops are murderers, etc., I love how the death of this character is handled. It reflects the realities facing me and my husband and every other military family out there. And if you were at Hailey's memorial service and wondered how we stood strong, etc., read this book - I felt like one of those characters was written about me. Love, love, love this book. It will move you and could change your perspective on the war and God.

The second book is a Christian, non-fiction book, Hope for the Home Front: Winning the Emotional and Spiritual Battles of a Military Wife by Marshele Carter Waddell. I also LOVED this book. There are soooo many battles that I face and will face as a military wife, and this book addresses many of them and provides scriptural guidance, encouragement, wisdom, and more for how to handle (and shine through) the battles that accompany military life. It's written for the military wife, but I think anyone in a military family (sister, mother, father, aunt, etc.) would benefit from reading it because they will face some of the struggles mentioned, and it can help them be better prepared at understanding what their loved ones are going through.

That's all for now... gotta get back to cleaning!

FAITHdare Friday #6, (on Saturday)

FAITHdare #5 Reflection:

FAITHdare #5 was on beginning to analyze your life to see if you notice any "idols" you have that are interfering with your relationship with God. So I started by doing part #2 of the dare and honestly asking all of the questions. It was fairly easy for me to identify my answers as these questions are not new to me. I, like most people, confess to holding on too tightly to people and possessions. Jesus' call to leave everything and everyone to follow him as written about in Matthew is sadly difficult since we fail to understand what he offers compared to what this world offers. I fear that if Jesus asked me the questions the asked in those verses to those men that I would do the same as the men, hesitate, doubt, question, be reluctant to give everything to follow God.

FAITHdare#5 was also about being faithful and giving thanks to God. For the most part I pray more than once a day and always try to begin with praises and giving thanks. But I do know that I don't always think to give thanks for everything that I should.

The best part of dare #5 was part #3 - about creating a thankful habit. I only did it last night, but I am so thankful that I did! I used to have a prayer box that I made in college with my Bible study girls - I would put my prayers and worries in the box as a symbol of me releasing them to God. I've also had lists of praises and answered prayers over the years, but nothing I've ever kept up with. I really liked the creative ideas that were suggested on the FAITHdare blog - one woman using a glass jar, writing what she was thankful for on a stone, and then putting the stones in the jar; another woman placing a seed in a jar every time she gave thanks to God for something with plans of planting all the seeds a year later and watching them blossom into a beautiful garden of flowers. For now I am taking my favorite purple vase and putting pieces of paper in it, writing on them how God has shown his faithfulness to me and what I am thankful for, but I would like to think of something more creative and inspiring later.

FAITHdare #6: Relationship Idols

1) Spend disciplined time with God this week, meditating on scripture and praying that He will reveal to you relationships in your life that have become a barrier to deeper relationship with Him. If you want, use the scripture passages listed below to guide your time.

Suggested scripture passages:
Luke 9:57-62
2 Samuel 11-12
1 Corinthians 7:29-31
Mark 3:31-34
1 Samuel 1
John 4:1-26
Luke 14:15-24

2) As God convicts you, respond with obedience!

3) As God leads you, please share what He is doing in your life with the rest of us...your words might be just what God wants someone else to read!

7 Months; Pslam 73

Usually I do a "Faith Dare Friday" post on Fridays... but not today. Today marks 7 months without Hailey.

The greatest struggle I'm having is a love that feels incomplete. A love that is meant to be given to my daughter but instead remains captive inside me, not able to be released. Imagine water filling a balloon. The water keeps pouring; the balloon keeps expanding. The water never stops and eventually the balloon bursts. That's how my heart feels some days. My love for her remains and grows in my heart, but I am unable to give my love to her. So the love swells and expands inside of me, like a water balloon filling up, and this actually causes pain. It hurts as it sits there with no relief becoming heavier and heavier with pressure. Eventually it causes my heart to break and the 'burst' comes in the form of tears.

This week has been an emotional one (and yes I'm blaming part of it on being a hormonal woman). But I've been thinking of my dad a lot. I had a dream about him the other night. It was reminiscent of the last time I hugged him, and I knew it was our goodbye. In my dream everything about that day was the same, but this time my dad and I spoke the feelings and thoughts in our head. And this time, I didn't put my wall up which makes me feel strong and hold back the tears. This time, in my dream, as I spent that moment wrapped in my dad's arms... I buried my face in his chest and let my sorrow, fear, and grief out. I sobbed and sobbed as I embraced my dad for the final time...

And of course, I've been thinking of Hailey a lot. Since she's passed, I've been going longer and longer between the gut-wrenching-sobbing-lost-in-grief moments. But they're still there. If I wanted to analyze it, I would say for the past several months this has happened about once a month. But this month it's happened twice in a week. I feel like I've pinned the occurrences down to right around this week of remembering her birthday and her passing, yet when these moments hit me, it always feels like it's out of nowhere.

Yesterday I struggled not to throw myself a pity party, which I'm really good at doing by the way. I struggled with thinking about only the negative aspects of my life and about the positive aspects of others' lives. I struggled with doing that painful game of comparing my life to that of someone else - why is my life like *this* and why does *this person* get everything they've ever dreamed of... I try to be faithful to God and *this person* couldn't care less about God... I struggle with feeling like I'm given troubles and they are given blessings and saying it's not fair...  I battled with jealousy, envy, discontentment, frustration, and anger. At one point I wanted to take every glass in my house and smash it against a wall. I didn't of course, but yes I really had that thought.

In the midst of these thoughts and feelings, I longed to understand and to be comforted. And of course, God came through. Like he always does.

Last night while waiting for Josh to come to bed, I grabbed my Bible from on top of my nightstand. I've been studying the book of Isaiah, but for some reason I flipped it open to a "random" page in the books of Psalms. I wanted a comforting word and there it was. A seemingly random turn of the page, and there were the words I needed to hear... words that, to my surprise, echoed my thoughts:

Psalm 73

¹Surely God is good to Israel,
to those who are pure in heart.

² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
I had nearly lost my foothold.

³ For I envied the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

⁴ They have no struggles;
their bodies are healthy and strong.

⁵ They are free from the burdens common to man;
they are not plagued by human ills.

⁶ Therefore pride is their necklace...

¹² This is what the wicked are like—
always carefree, they increase in wealth.

¹³ Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.

¹⁴ All day long I have been plagued;
I have been punished every morning...

¹⁶ When I tried to understand all this,
it was oppressive to me

¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
then I understood their final destiny...

²¹ When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,

²² I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.

²³ Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.

²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.

Seriously, I love God. I am so thankful for his perfect timing on this one. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in my struggles. This was exactly what was on my heart, and I needed these words and reminders to bring me peace and comfort. And I did exactly what the psalmist wrote in verse 28. My emotional wreck of a mind and heart were calmed, and I found sleep by making the Lord my refuge, feeling wrapped and safe in my heavenly father's arms.

But yes, even though God is my refuge, my healer, my comforter, my all-in-all... life is still hard, and I still miss Hailey. Losing her still hurts and always will, and I will still cry many tears over her.

Oh and one last thing, I think I wrote this in the post on her 8 month birthday, but I have been struggling to remember her... I don't know if there is anything worse than feeling like you're forgetting your child. For awhile I couldn't remember what her face looked like unless I looked at a picture - and of course I couldn't remember her smell or the sounds she made because those are the hardest memories to replay I feel. But today I'm able to remember her. Not perfectly I know. But today I can remember things I thought I was forgetting... although the memories are fleeting and hard to hold down in my mind... they're there, and they're comforting.

Even so, I think today if I can muster up the courage, I just might watch some videos of her (it's been awhile)...

He's a Black Hawk Pilot & I'm an Army Wife

Last week I mentioned Josh's selection so I figured I should share the results (and sorry for the delay): Josh will be flying Black Hawks (UH-60s) for the Army.

First and foremost, I would just like to say I am immensely proud of my husband, and I know that God has great plans for him as a Black Hawk pilot.

Anyway, thankfully, most people are familiar with Black Hawks so I don't have to do a lot of explaining. Think the movie Black Hawk Down ... not the 'happiest' reference to his airframe I know, but you get the picture. And just in case you don't, here is a picture of a Black Hawk:

Josh will start his advanced training (training in the Black Hawk) in a couple of weeks, and, tentatively, he will graduate from flight school in December, at which point we will PCS (move) to a new duty station. On his selection day the Army allowed him to list 3 duty stations he/we would like to move to next, and we selected Ft. Campbell (Kentucky), Ft. Bragg (North Carolina), and Schofield Barracks (Hawaii). But really we are up for going pretty much anywhere the Army (or God really) takes us. We should be at our next duty station for maybe 3-4 years, and, hopefully, Josh will deploy (which will probably be for about 12 months) shortly after arriving at our next place.

I will admit that being an Army wife is not easy. There are many 'perks' to being in the Army, but many sacrifices that are required as well. All I know is that I completely support my husband, his career, and everything that comes along with it. I doubt that most people from where I'm from, some family included, can even fathom what this all truly means, but I hope through our lives I can give them a little glimpse. I hope they can see a side to the military that often goes ignored, and I hope they can appreciate people like my husband who are serving this country, their families, like me, and all of the sacrifices we're making.

I thought I'd wrap up my post with this cute little piece that got sent to me on Facebook awhile back. You may be familiar with it, or this may be the first time you're reading it... but this does paint a pretty good, general, picture of what life is like for me, an Army wife.

Lots of moving... Moving... Moving... Moving far from home... Moving two cars, three kids and one dog...all riding with HER of course. Moving sofas to basements because they won't go in THIS house. Moving curtains that won't fit. Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours. Moving away from friends. Moving toward new friends. Moving her most important luggage: her trunk full of memories. Often waiting... Waiting... Waiting... Waiting for housing. Waiting for orders. Waiting for deployments. Waiting for phone calls. Waiting for reunions. Waiting for the new curtains to arrive. Waiting for him to come home, For dinner...AGAIN!

They call her 'Military Dependent,',but she knows better: She is fiercely In-Dependent. She can balance a check book, handle the yard work, fix a noisy toilet, bury the family pet... She is intimately familiar with drywall anchors and toggle bolts. She can file the taxes, sell a house, buy a car, or set up a move... all with ONE Power of Attorney. She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her. She reinvents her career with every PCS, locates a house in the desert, the Arctic, or the deep south. And learns to call them all 'home.' She MAKES them all home.

They leap into: Decorating, leadership, volunteering, career alternatives, churches, and friendships. They don't have 15 years to get to know people. Their roots are short but flexible. They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them. Military Wives quickly learn to value each other. They connect over coffee, rely on the spouse network, accept offers of friendship and favors, record addresses in pencil... Military Wives have a common bond: The Military Wife has a husband unlike other husbands; his commitment is unique. He doesn't have a 'JOB' He has a 'MISSION' that he can't just decide to quit... He's on-call for his country 24/7. But for her, he's the most unreliable guy in town! His language is foreign TDY PCS OPR SOS ACC BDU ACU BAR CIB TAD

And so, a Military Wife is a translator for her family and his. She is the long- distance link to keep them informed; the glue that holds them together. A Military Wife has her moments: She wants to wring his neck, dye his uniform pink, refuse to move to Siberia, but she pulls herself together. Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a long hot bath, a pledge to the flag, a wedding picture, and she goes. She packs. She moves. She follows.

Why? What for? How come? You may think it is because she has lost her mind. But actually it is because she has lost her heart. It was stolen from her by a man, who puts duty first, who longs to deploy, who salutes the flag, and whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her Military Husband, She will remain his Military Wife. And would have it no other way.

Wait Pray Love

I felt led to write this post today. Maybe perhaps this is for you?

Have you ever asked yourself, "What is God trying to teach me?" or "What is God speaking to my heart right now?"

I know I ask those questions a lot.

Have you ever asked God a question only to be left in silence?



I have. We all have. We feel like our prayer is knocking on God's door, and he isn't answering, leaving us feeling cold and alone, outside his door, separated from him. We feel like God isn't hearing us, and so we assume he's turned his back on us or worse, that he's left us. We assume he doesn't care about us. He doesn't really love us. And then we become deflated by our thoughts. Why should he love me? Why should he answer my prayer? I'm worthless. I'm nobody. I'm not special. I'm not important. You know the ones.

Yesterday I read this verse in chapter 30 of Isaiah. Verse 18:

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

I don't know about you, but I hate waiting. I'm impatient. I want results, and I want them now. Waiting in itself is not something we like to do. We despise long lines at the grocery store, rush hour traffic, being put on hold during a phone call. We despise those things because it all involves waiting. We have a goal in mind, we know how to reach it, we want to do it as soon as possible, but something is standing in our way and making us wait. Waiting interferes with our plans and frustrates us.

Waiting is especially difficult when it's applied to God rescuing us out of the storms of our lives. In my storm of losing Hailey, I've waited for God's healing. I've waited for him to reveal his purpose for her life, for my new life without her. I've waited for God to reveal answers for what his will is for Josh's career as a pilot in the Army and my life as a military spouse. In these major life situations, I've waited...and waited...and waited.

Maybe your situation is also the loss of a loved one. Or perhaps your situation involves the illness and suffering of a loved one, being unemployed, relationship problems... fill in the blank... I'm sure you can identify a storm in your life, whether it be small and quiet or large and raging. We all have storms, and we've all experienced waiting to be rescued from them.

When I read the verse I mentioned above, I did a double take and reread it. In fact, I read it over and over again. Was I reading it right? First of all, it reveals the truths that God is compassionate and does care about us and does want to be gracious to us. He cares about our prayers. He cares about our storms. He wants to help us. He actually longs for us. Those promises are comforting, but they don't necessarily change the situations of our lives. There's still a storm, a problem, something going on, and we're still left waiting. But here in verse 18, God says those who wait for him are blessed! To me it doesn't seem natural that waiting and blessed are in the same sentence together, but they are. What an idea to ponder...

As God sometimes does, he 'spoke' to me about this again yesterday. This time I was reading a book. I read, "Waiting is trusting in God when things seem hopeless." I'm not sure why, but this quote just stood out to me. I think it is perhaps one of the best definitions of waiting I have ever read. Most of the time when we're in our 'storm' and we're waiting, we struggle with our lack of control over the situation. We can't manipulate events, people, time, etc. to work out how we want it to work out. We feel helpless, and often times since we can't imagine the solution, we feel hopeless. This is the role of faith; trusting God when you're waiting and things feel hopeless. And this is hard. It's really hard. I can say so from experience.

But like Isaiah 30:18 claims, if we trust in God and wait for Him, we will be blessed. The Bible mentions the benefits of waiting and trusting in God so many times that I can't begin to reference them, but you won't know them until you do it.

Now I must add some disclaimers here. First, a blessing or being blessed is not always what we imagine it to be. It doesn't mean things will work out like the happy ending we envision in our mind. It doesn't mean we won't feel pain, we won't hurt, we won't suffer. Second, waiting here doesn't mean sitting back and hoping things work out soon. Waiting applies specifically to a trust in God, to praying to God, to waiting for God to work things out according to his will. Third, throw out any time constraints you've put on waiting. Waiting could be an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, a decade, or most of your life. God doesn't work according to our schedules and time tables. So be prepared for that.

I've written about these things before here or there, but here is what I've learned about praying, waiting, and God. First, if you need to pray and want to communicate with God, you need to believe in and trust in him and his son first. You can't live your life for yourself, ignoring God, and throwing out prayers for help every now and then and expect him to answer or to understand his answer. God needs to know you and you need to seek him (Matthew 7:7). God created you and loves you. But he can't know you and can't reveal his love to you until you ask.

Secondly, I've learned there are Biblical guidelines on how to pray. The greatest lesson I've learned about prayer is praying for God's will to be done. If you pray for his will to be done in your life or your situation, you can trust that it will. But you have to understand that his will might not be yours. (I don't know why, but Garth Brook's song "Unanswered Prayers" always come to my mind when I think of this.) God will answer your prayers, but it might not be the way you would have answered them, and it might not be when you want them answered. Therefore, I have also learned another important lesson, which is to ask God to give you wisdom to understand his will and his plans.

Third, I've learned to wait. I won't say I've mastered it, because it remains difficult to do, and I think it always will. But just wait. Wait with God. Sometimes he just wants you right where you are and to rest in his arms and lean on him. Trust him. Wait. Endure. God says you will be blessed. It will develop your character, strengthen you, strengthen your faith, give you confidence, give you hope, and won't leave you disappointed.

Fourth, I've learned from my experiences in these past 8 months that God will always come through and will always rescue you. He has rescued me. He has answered my prayers. And with some things, I am continually in a state of being rescued and waiting on him. But that doesn't change the fact that he will answer my prayers of rescuing me and for his will to be done in my life. And whether I am, or you are, waiting or being rescued, God loves us.

So what is your situation right now? Are you in a storm?


Are you seeking God and coming to him in prayer? What is your prayer?

What answer is God giving you? Could he be telling you to wait?

How can this time of waiting and trusting be beneficial to you?

Again, I know this might sound weird, but I don't feel this post is for me. I've written about these things sporadically over the past few months, but I feel this might be for you?

Lord, Thank you for longing for us, for loving us, for waiting for us to come to you, and for rescuing us. I pray for the one reading my words today. I ask that you use my words to speak your heart to the heart of this reader. Reveal yourself to her/him. May s/he seek you, know the beauty and wonder of your love, the comfort of waiting and resting in your arms, and the joy of the hope you've given us through your son Jesus Christ. Amen!

Hailey's 8 Month Birthday

Today Hailey would have turned 8 months old. I can hardly believe she would be that old already. My mind struggles to imagine an image of her as an 8 month old. I don't know what she'd look like or what accomplishments I'd be bragging about to friends... I don't know any other way to say it than to say it makes me sad.

Usually I like to focus on celebrating her life and remembering her on her birthdays and reflecting on my grief on the anniversaries of her passing, but I don't think this post is going to follow those 'rules' I've set for myself.

I miss her.

I miss her every day of course, but some days missing her is harder than others.

So far today, in this moment, I am okay. The grief isn't too bad or unbearable. It's somewhat like an art I've learned to master. Although, like I said, some days are harder to manage than others.

While my grief often hits me out of nowhere, like a cold, hard slap in the face, I'm starting to notice it has a pattern or a cycle. For example, I seem to be having a 'grieving breakdown' once a month usually around this week of remembering her birthday and the day she passed.

My latest breakdown happened a few days ago when I became a sobbing mess late at night. My heart just broke all over again and everything I've worked to overcome and 'manage' with my grief just slipped away leaving me to only feel the raw, painful agony of losing my baby.

In retrospect, it's no surprise I broke down. A lot of factors influenced my break down I am sure. It had been a stressful week with my wisdom teeth ordeal and Josh's selection. Then on Thursday Josh had his wisdom teeth removed and that too was a stressful day as I tried my best to take care of him. It was late at night. My bedtime was hours past due. I was exhausted, but Josh was awake and, like I said, I was trying to be a good nurse for him. We were watching Bethenny Getting Married? on Bravo. I think I mentioned in a past post that I was testing the waters with watching this show - seeing if I could handle it, and for the most part I could. It hadn't made me sad; it had only made me miss being pregnant with her and made me think of my love for her.... That was until that night. It was the episode after Bethenny's baby was born.

Her baby was probably one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. Gorgeous and perfect. I watched the episode as Bethenny went through the sleepless cycle of a new mommy and as she talked about her baby girl and her love for her baby. I felt it coming as I watched, but there was a moment in the show that just made me have to leave the room. Bethenny's therapist asked her if she had any fears of her baby dying or losing her, etc. And she said no. Well that pretty much unleashed my grief.

Here this woman is with a picture perfect baby girl and all I can do is stare at her baby on my television screen and think Hailey didn't look like that.... Hailey couldn't do that... I couldn't hold Hailey like that... And then when she said that comment... she didn't have a reason to think about her baby dying, and here I am and that's all we thought of since the minute she was born. Every minute my baby was with me I had to wonder if it would be her last.

Yes, a stupid reality TV show made me hurt so bad. Seeing on TV everything I wished for Hailey in this other little baby girl... ugh, it just rips my heart open and brings back all the ugly questions, why did this have to happen to Hailey, my baby... it brings back the longings to see her, touch her, smell her, hold her... it brings back the memories of her weight in my arms, what it felt like to hold her little body... and then it brings frustration when I can't remember things... like the way she smelled... for a moment this week I couldn't remember what her face looked like so I had to look at a picture... and lately I've been trying to remember the sounds she'd make and I can't. I can't remember what she sounded like when she'd cry and it's driving me nuts. I know all I have to do is put in a video we recorded of her... but it sucks that all I have are pictures and videos... but I guess I should be thankful that I least I have those.

So anyway, back to my story... I left the room holding back tears. I went to the kitchen to make Josh some more chicken noodle soup. He couldn't eat it with a spoon yet so I was trying to pour it into a bottle for him to drink out of... well being exhausted since it was so late and feeling the grief banging on the door, I attempted to pour and managed to get nothing in the bottle and everything went down the sink drain. That made me lose it. My emotions overwhelmed. I ran to the bedroom slamming the door behind me and sat in the bathroom sobbing for a few minutes. Then I did my best to gather my composure and went back to trying to take care of Josh. But I made him change the channel. I can't watch Bethenny Getting Married anymore.

And then another day last week I had to tell someone about Hailey. It wasn't an awkward conversation at all. I talked a bit about her and the girl who I was talking to asked questions about her, which I liked. It went really well. Yet... part of me hates how it went. Part of me feels like I get it wrong sometimes, like people leave with the wrong impression. Whenever I talk about Hailey to someone I focus on the blessings of her life and how she was a gift from God, etc. Which is all true, don't get me wrong. But I wonder if I over due it for the sake of the person I'm talking to. I don't want them to feel bad for me or 'turn awkward', so I wonder if I come off like what happened to Hailey, to us was no big deal. And I hate that. I think the way I talk makes people feel like I'm not grieving still and that it hasn't been hard.  So I wonder if I give people the wrong impression because I don't want them to feel awkward or sad for me. I don't know. I just walked away from that conversation feeling uneasy about the smile I put on my face and responses I gave. They are all truthful and honest and real... yet somehow a part of me wants to scream out and say yes God has been in control and is carrying me through this, but you don't realize how hard it has been, you have no idea of what the pain is like or how much I miss her. And I think I also felt this was because she asked me if we were going to try to have another baby. I know it's a natural, innocent question that I would probably even ask if I were in her shoes, but it' s a question I still don't like. I know she didn't mean it this way, but when I get asked it I feel like people think having another baby will replace Hailey, will replace what we went through, and will make everything better...but it won't do any of that. Yes we would like to have another baby some day, but people have NO clue what that will be like and how hard that will be if'/when it's time for us to walk that road...

So all of this to say, today on her 8 month birthday, I miss her. I'm thankful for her life. I love her. But missing her hurts. And navigating my life in light of this grief I carry is hard and will always be hard. Hailey and my grief will forever be a part of my life. Even if I'm living 60 years from now, everything in my life will have been influenced by her and my grief and I will still be missing her...and I wonder if people will ever realize that as we all gone on without her.

**Love you so much munchkin. I hope you know that.**