A Donation and Hailey's Giraffey

Do you know about Hailey's giraffey? I've written about her giraffey before... but just in case, here is a recap:

Giraffey is Hailey's stuffed animal that is a giraffe, of course. I ordered it for her while she was still in my tummy. I saw it online and thought it was the most adorable, most wonderful stuffed animal ever. If one of Hailey's stuffed animals was going to stay with her forever (you know how we all have the cliche blankie or what not - in my case it was a musical stuffed animal that was a horse...still have it 25 years later!), this was going to be the one. And what made it so fabulous, was the scripture verse sewn on it: "Your love O Lord reaches to the heavens. Psalm 36:5." I loved it.



Thankfully, after Hailey was born, when our friends went to our house to grab a few items to bring to Hailey in the hospital, they grabbed her giraffey. We had it with her and took pictures of it with her. Her giraffe was always nearby her once we came home . I often ran her tiny fingers along its soft fabric and read her the verse on it using it to tell her how much God and I love her.

When Hailey passed away, I brought her giraffey with us in the long car ride home to IL. I held it close and smelled it - it was one of the few items that held her baby scent. In the end, her giraffe brought me more  comfort than it brought her. There were many nights surrounding her memorial service where we slept with her giraffey in our bed - a few nights I cuddled to sleep with it as I cried... held it close like I was holding her.

Even now, months later, her giraffey is an item we treasure and probably always will. Every now and then I hold it close to my heart and put my face to its fabric and breathe in - trying to become close to Hailey again...

And the promise in the scripture sewn into the giraffe was one I meant for Hailey to learn and know. Instead, that promise held me up and comforted me after losing Hailey. Even though I was devastated, felt abandoned, wanted to give up, didn't understand God, I had that promise. He loved me through it all, more than I could imagine. And there is no greater comfort than that.

So... that is why Hailey's giraffey is so special to me, and us...and now on to the real purpose of this post!

Well, do you remember awhile back when I told you how I went out on a limb and emailed Holley Gerth, author of the devotional Rain on Me and through our email conversations she agreed to donate copies of her devotional for our Hailey's Hope bags.

She also took it a step further. She works with DaySpring and talked to people in the company, and with her help, DaySpring donated 10 of those giraffes to Hailey's Hope!


I received the package in the mail today! I was afraid I was going to cry, but I didn't. Instead I was beaming as I looked at them all! I am so happy and thankful for DaySpring's generosity and Holley Gerth's help! I know these stuffed animals are going to bring so much comfort and joy to the families receiving them!

A big, heartfelt THANK YOU to DAYSPRING!

Hailey's Hope Update

Hi everyone! I want to take a minute to share what's been going on with Hailey's Hope since the last update.

In the past week and a half we have received 2 monetary donations that will help us purchase 1 and 1/2 bags. Thank you to those people who have given generously to our project! That means we're at about 4 and 1/2 bags - which also means that we're almost 1/4 of the way to our goal of a minimum of 20 bags by June 1st!

Yesterday we received our custom order of gift bag cards, business cards, and thank you cards (our personal investment in the project). They turned out beautifully!

Bitterness is easy

“Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky,

are best relieved by the letting of a little water.” ~Antoine Rivarol

Well the other night, the night of my last post, I started deeply missing Hailey. And of course I cried as the dull aching that comes along with the depths of that loneliness and longing for her swept over me. I haven't had that happen in a long time. In fact, I thought to myself as I cried, "It's about time." The flood gates opened back up to release some of the pain and anger and bitterness of unaddressed things in my grief. It felt good to release some tears. Not that missing her and crying ever feels good... but tears really do help heal and eventually bring relief.

(and by the way, when I say that I haven't missed Hailey and cried in a long time, I don't want you to think I haven't missed her or been sad in a long time. Rather, I mean I haven't been to that level in a long time. I miss her every single day (and could cry every single day if I let myself)...but I've come to learn that there almost different depths, levels, kinds of sorrows involved in grief...)

I don't know what triggered the longing and missing and crying. Could have been any of a million things. But if I had to pick something, it would probably be the thoughts and feelings that came up when I wrote my last post.

While I cried, I thought mostly about how much I missed holding her, feeling the weight of her in my arms. And my thoughts wandered to the last time I held her...after she had passed...how different it was holding her than that I thought it would be...And all those memories and feelings of that day came back. (Those are the difficult things that I don't like to think about.) And my mind wandered to other places that I don't like to spend time thinking about... the 'not good' places...the places that can get me in trouble with feelings of guilt and bring me to an unhealthy place...

I've written this before: When we had Hailey, we never knew when she'd pass. We were told that the cause of her death would likely be an infection of some sort that her body wouldn't be able to fight. And she'd probably have a fever and be gone within 24 hours. And when she ran a fever... we never thought anything of it... and I get so mad... why didn't I think anything of it? What made me think she'd be fine? What made me forget?

And I remember everyone asking if she showed any signs of being sick or that anything was wrong... did she look different? behave different? anything? No. I didn't notice anything.

But now...when I look at her pictures... I can see it. I can see when she starts to look unhealthy. When she looks like she's starting to fade. I can see it in the pictures now. And that makes me mad. I hate that. I can barely look at some of those photos that we took in her last couple of days. Why can I see it now, but I couldn't see it then?

It's frustrating. It makes me mad. It makes me feel guilty. I should have known. And I know that these are the things that will ruin me.

In thinking about these things a couple of days ago, I had a deeper understanding of something. It really is so much easier to be angry and bitter about a million things that involve Hailey's loss. It's so easy to be mad. It's so easy to be resentful. It's so easy to feel guilty. Bitterness is easy. And it's dangerous.

I do not want to be angry about anything involving Hailey. And in most days God helps me get my perspective centered on Him and allows me to get it right. But that takes effort. It's hard dealing with all those ugly feelings and those thoughts. It's not wrong to feel those things or think those things. But it's wrong if I live in them and dwell on them and become bitter. The easy way is the destructive way.

Instead, I am choosing to 'survive' and rise above the regrets, the guilt, the anger. And it's hard. It's a daily battle. But it's worth it. I've seen the rewards of the fight. The forgiveness. The hope. The peace. The joy. The strength. The love. And it's worth fighting for. But it's still hard.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger...Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. ~Ephesians 4:31-32

Is there anything that you are angry or bitter about? The death of a loved one? A divorce? Feeling cheated or betrayed by a friend, a co-worker? What is it? I dare you to identify it and own it. And more importantly, to rise above it.

...when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive...

I've heard this song many times before. But today was the first day I took the time to listen to the words Natalie Grant sings...and in doing so I discovered my heart crying out to each word as I realized how deeply this song speaks to me and of me. Would you take the time to listen to this song and the lyrics behind it?



And I have a confession. Another one.

I have admitted my angry moments with God. I have admitted my jealousy towards other women who are blessed with healthy babies and happy families. I have admitted the pain and hurt I feel at times when confronted with one of these women at the store, at the gym, on Facebook, etc. But I have been holding something inside since the day I learned Hailey was sick and not going to...could not... survive. And I haven't acknowledged it for what it is... I've called it by other names...all the while dancing around the core of what it is I am actually feeling...unknowingly I have done this.

Yesterday in one of my devotionals, I read about anger during the storm. And it talked more in depth about anger than I had ever thought about before. Angry at God - sure who hasn't been? Angry at another person - sure who hasn't been? Angry with myself - of course! But when I began looking at where the anger is at in my grief, I discovered something I am really angry about.

I am angry with every pregnant woman I see. I am angry with most new moms holding their babies that I see. I may try to deny it because I don't want to be angry ... because I think it's wrong that I'm angry... so I may call it something else, like jealousy or hurt or something. But I'm avoiding what it is. So I just need to claim it.

I am angry.

And I am sorry if you are one of those women I am angry with. I know I have no right to be angry with you. None of this is your fault. Nothing you did made me lose Hailey so you could keep your baby. I know that.  But nonetheless, my anger is there.

I was angry being wheeled out of the hospital after giving birth to Hailey without my baby in my arms. I was angry when I came home the next day to grab some items for our stay in Birmingham while Hailey was fighting for her life in the NICU and our next door neighbors had cars in the driveway with blue balloons and "Congratulations! It's a boy!" signs plastered all over their house. I was angry that our neighbor was at home with her baby celebrating with friends and family and I wasn't. I was angry this week when I viewed the pictures of the birth of an acquaintance's child - angry that they had happy pictures from the day their child was born. I am constantly angry when I see or know of someone who is pregnant or has a healthy baby when they clearly don't deserve it in my judgmental eyes - it was an accident, it wasn't wanted, they're smoking, they're obese, they're swearing a mile a minute...and so on... angry that they receive the blessing of a healthy child...and I didn't.

It makes me mad. Furious. And at THEM. Not so much at God at this point in my journey - but THEM. Mothers who get to be all that I wanted to be with their unborn or newly born child. I am mad they get to keep their babies and I didn't get to keep mine.

So this is me being honest with myself...and with you. I need to address it and confess it for my well being. If I didn't, I know that those seeds of anger I have - that I didn't ask for - that I don't want - but that I have - I know that they will grow into bitterness, and if there is anything I do not want to be, it is a bitter, angry person. So hopefully in confessing it, it will help me deal with it in a healthy way... but this is a journey and I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of that anger.

The beautiful thing about this all is the same thing that is expressed in this song and YouTube video.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

That my God continually rescues me in this storm of losing Hailey and that includes rescuing me from anger and bitterness.

He may allow the storm to come...but he is holding his hand out for me asking me to join him...like he did with Peter. And if I allow him to hold me and rescue me...these truths in this famous Psalm (23) apply to me.

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Some quick updates from over the weekend

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Here's what's been going on:

First, Josh completed his primary checkride on Friday and we finally had a free weekend to spend together that didn't involve hours upon hours of studying.

Second, I somewhat broke my laptop and lost a lot of links and things which made it more complicated for me to do things on Josh's laptop...but hopefully I'll be able to use my laptop again later this week.

Third, I've been playing around in my spare time with creating a new blog and not really updating this one...I'm still figuring it all out... I've stepped somewhat out of my comfort zone/ knowledge base with this one... but once I have a product that I feel proud of sharing, I will let you all know where my new blog will be located.

Welcome to our new website!

This is my first post on our new website - lifeinhishands.net.

I will be blogging and posting information on this site from now on, not thevlips.wordpress.com. Please note the change.

Difficult days lay ahead...

As I wrote down an appointment on my monthly planner for May, I looked at what events would be coming up... And then I saw that the first week of May, piled full with events that are going to make it a difficult one.

Here is a picture from my planner:



The first weekend of May contains two days that are sad by nature. May 1st would have been Hailey's 5 month birthday. I can't believe it's been that long since she's been born! And of course, it's another birthday she doesn't have here and that I can't celebrate with her.

May 2nd is a day you probably never have heard of - I hadn't until I became someone the day is about. May 2nd is Babylost Mother's Day - a Mother's day for those who no longer have their babies with them. But not many people know about it... and I'm not sure how I feel about that day...On Mother's Day, mothers are remembered and celebrated... But does anyone remember and celebrate Mother's like myself on this day or on Mother's Day - in my experience so far, no. Society forgets us. I doubt there is a section in the Mother's Day cards that is for the "Babylost" Mother's...please correct me if I'm wrong though.

Then comes May 4th - our appointment with a Geneticist in Birmingham. (Brief explanation: we were to follow up with the Geneticist while we were in the hospital with Hailey to better understand her Trisomy 18 and discuss genetic testing and future pregnancies - but we were so busy we were never able to and it's taken this long for us to finally get an appointment). I'm not really looking forward to this appointment... if you know me you know I don't like doctors. I am prone to anxiety and high blood pressure any time I have an appointment with a doctor - doesn't matter what it is - it's definitely an area of weakness and worry for me. I believe the appointment should go well and be fine - but there's always those seeds of doubt planted in my mind. And of course it will probably be difficult discussing losing Hailey and discussing the possibilities of continuing our family...and of course it's complicated in my mind by the fact that it's surrounded by Babylost Mother's Day and Mother's Day...What timing for that one...So I will need to be praying for peace as we go into that appointment.

Next up is May 6th - the 4 month anniversary of Hailey going to Heaven. Another bittersweet day filled with sorrow and joy. I'm really praying it will be full of peace and joy because I can already foresee this anniversary being one of the hardest since it comes 3 days before Mother's Day.

And then May 9th - Mother's Day. <BIG SIGH> I don't know about this one...Confession, I am kind of afraid. A church we recently visited mentioned how they will be celebrating their mothers and their children on that day - you know stand up - be acknowledged by the church - and that they will be doing some infant dedications on that day. And all the while if I were to place myself in their church on Mother's Day - I would remain seated and my heart would be crushed as I saw all the babies and moms being celebrated. And no one knows all the while that there is a mother who is silent and sitting struggling with the loss of her baby... and perhaps more than just me. But thankfully, and I hate to say that, but thankfully, we will not be going back to that church on Mother's Day - but then I fear what the service will be like at our own church... will I even be able to handle it? Should I even go? ... I already hate thinking about it...

I won't be able to celebrate the day like any 'normal' mom out there...but I'd still like to celebrate it... I still am a mother after all... my baby is just in Heaven. But I wonder if anyone will remember me on that day? Will they stop themselves from saying anything to me that day out of a fear of not knowing what to do or out of not wanting to bring pain to me? Well I will tell you, I don't want anyone to ignore me on that day.  Remembering me on that day will not bring me pain - no one can bring me more pain than I already feel - mentioning Hailey and remembering I'm still a mom I can promise you will bring me more warmth and comfort than anything negative. So when Mother's Day roles around... will you remember me? I'm trying not to be selfish when I ask that... but I am afraid of that day and the feelings I might feel... and the worst thing is the world going about its business, ignoring me even though in my mind I'm still a mother...I don't want to be forgotten just like I don't want Hailey to be forgotten. And would you maybe say some extra prayers for me on that day? I know it's a couple of weeks away...

So yea... My insides get all twisted when I think about that week. So many sad and difficult days all crammed into one week. <another sigh> This is my world now...And I must keep moving along and face these things - and try to take them day by day. I know my feelings of fear and worry are not from God and they are just a way for Satan to attack me and get me down... Hopefully being aware of the potential difficulties that lie ahead can allow me to prepare with prayer so that God will turn them to joys instead.

"All my longings lie open before you, O Lord;

my sighing is not hidden from you.

My heart pounds, my strength fails me;

even the light has gone from my eyes.

My friends and companions avoid me because of my wounds...

be not far away from me, O my God.

Come quickly to help me,

O Lord my Savior."

Psalm 38: 9-11, 21-22

Hailey's Hope update

Well our project is off to an amazing start.

Here's a recap:

As I've mentioned already, we have received our starter kit from Project Sweet Pea, and we have word of some very amazing donations and opportunities to promote Hailey's Hope in hopes of gathering more donations - still waiting to reveal the details on these until they are 100% for sure. I have also received word from a friend and family member that they will be donating some blankets - handmade and new.

How have I been seeking donations for Hailey's Hope?

First I shared about it on here and on Facebook - hoping word of mouth gets around. Then I mailed out letters to family and friends requesting their support. Also, I have been personally emailing people, organizations, and companies who I feel can help our project. For our future sets of gift bags, we will be doing some fundraising events.

What's new this week?

My husband and I have personally invested in our project purchasing custom made cards to put in each of the gift bags, custom 'business' cards, and I have designed an informational brochure that we will be printing soon hopefully. Today I went out and bought all the items (except for 2) for a basic NICU gift bag for a girl baby sponsored by my husband and me. You can see pictures by clicking the button below and viewing the photo album on Hailey's Hope's facebook page.



Where are we in reaching our goal?

So far we have 2 complete bags. We still need enough items to fill 18 more by June 1st! And I'm working on purchasing 10 more gift bags with Hailey's Hope's logo on it.

Missing her... in a different way...

I feel like I haven't really written about Hailey in a long time. I mean, I write about things that have to do with her, but they're really not about her. In fact, I've found myself frustrated with this occurrence in my life lately. I think about things having to do with Hailey - like this blog, starting Hailey's Hope, I look at her picture and I think Hailey, I look at her footprint on my necklace and I think Hailey - but all the while I am not really thinking about her.

Does that make sense?

It was is really frustrating that I'm doing that. I hate to say this, and hate to admit this, but it's getting hard to really think about her and really truly remember her... not hard in that I can't deal with the sadness or deal with it emotionally so I don't do it...but hard in that it no longer comes as naturally, but instead takes more of a conscious effort now.

I've realized that I can think about Hailey all day long...and miss her completely.

Have you ever felt that way about someone or something? Do you know what I'm talking about?

I don't like it. It's like I've gotten caught up in all the busyness of my life and trying to keep myself busy and I think I'm thinking about her... but I'm really not. All these things relate to her or have to do with her... but somehow my busy mind skims over what was really Hailey.

These are the things I don't think about anymore that are really her:

Her soft skin that became dry and flaky on her skinny legs and me rubbing her wonderful smelling baby lotion all over them. The feeling of her small head in my hands and the bump that stuck out from part of her head being swollen from birth. What it sounded like to hear her deep breathing as she slept. The soundless cries she had towards the end when she couldn't make enough sound to actually cry. Her little tummy wrap that always got in the way. The weight of her in my arms as I held her. The warmth of her as I held her, often making my arms sweaty. The way her eyes would grow wide and look every which way when she took her bottle. What it felt like to look into her eyes...to love her...to be with her...

 

All of those things and so much more... that I don't think about anymore. It's not that I don't want to. I just don't.

I am preoccupied with my to-do list, keeping busy, being productive. That's how I'm trained. And in being like that, I often don't take the time to sit back and just remember her...all of her... all that she truly was to me.

And as I sit here and write this post, God is sitting there clearing his throat in my ear..."A-hem..." Nudging me as I type. Okay God, I'm sitting still and I hear and feel you...

Confession. I am doing the same thing with God. I try to do everything that I do for him and for his glory. I consciously think and try to honor him in my life through how I exercise, eat, dress, manage money, interact with my husband, interact with others, through Hailey's Hope, and so on...and I could add "religious" things like go to church on Sundays, serve in the church, go to Bible study, reading my devotionals, etc.. I try to live my life for him. But don't I know that I am just as susceptible as everyone else to living my life and thinking I'm doing everything for God and yet miss him completely? Didn't I just teach this to a group of  girls at church?

I'm busy busy busy - thinking about God most of the time - yet I'm missing him entirely. I'm not really thinking about Him. I'm not really spending quality time with him.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10.

I repeat that verse over and over to myself... almost daily... yet I'm missing the point some days. Yet another thing I'm just skimming right over and missing the true meaning of ...

God commands me first to BE STILL. Just stop. Stop my busyness. Stop. Then he tells me to KNOW who he is. I can't KNOW him unless I'm still and stopped first. Otherwise, I'll miss him. Same thing with Hailey. If I don't just stop sometimes...stop my busy thoughts and actions. I am not going to be able to remember who Hailey is.

<sigh> Although realizing these things is especially frustrating... the acknowledgment that they're happening allows me to change.

I. Must. Really. Slow. Down. And. Really. Think. About. Hailey. And God.

It's funny... I feel so dense right now actually... this is exactly what my grief devotional was about the other night. Hmm... was God trying to tell me something days ago? Probably. But I was on busy body mode and had him tuned out. The topic in the grief devotional was addressing busyness as a coping mechanism for grief - one that can be unhealthy if you are using your busyness to avoid dealing with your feelings of grief and mourning. Thankfully, I have not done that.

But this busyness is still not good... I am missing out on some pretty important people. And if I really want to get down to it and confess, I do that with my husband sometimes too...

Do you find yourself doing the same thing ever? Being so busy that your mind is 'thinking' about people or things, but really it's just skimming right over them? What are those things? Don't miss out on someone or something important...

Lord, Thank you for speaking to me through Your word, my devotional, and in all of those other ways you speak straight to my heart. Thank you for knowing and loving me. Help me to know and love you. Forgive me for not hearing sooner and forgive me for where my mind has been set as I go about keeping busy. Help me slow down so I don't miss knowing You and don't miss out on anyone else or anything else that's important in my life. Help me to be still. Help me to know You. Help me to remember Hailey as she was and is. Don't let me just skim over You... or Hailey... or Josh... or anyone else. Please continue to bring healing to my life. Amen.

A Must Share

I don't normally like to post things that other people have posted on their blogs... But I think this is a good exception to my rule.

Do you remember Eliot? The baby with Trisomy 18 from the famous YouTube video 99 Balloons? If you haven't, you need to watch it.

Well I follow the blog of Eliot's parents, and loved the post Matt (Eliot's dad) wrote yesterday. In it he finally answers the question most of his readers demand: "How could Eliot's life possibly have glorified God?"

Read his response here.

And I have to say, my answer would be the same to the same question if it were asked of me.

To God be the Glory.

Let's get it started with our starter kit!

I am happy to announce that Hailey's Hope received our starter kit from Project Sweet Pea in the mail yesterday!

I know several of you have talked to me about what you'll be donating, but for now I'm only including things that I tangibly have, which is the starter kit so far.

Excited Again

When Hailey died, I could have died right along with her. In fact, part of me longed to die after we lost her because I didn't want to live a life without her, suffering under the immense pain and sorrow of her loss. And many people who experience the death of a love one, allow a part of themselves to die too. Grief can be like that.

Well, I didn't allow myself to do that. My faith didn't allow me to do that. My God didn't allow me to do that. I am so thankful to have a Heavenly Father who loves me and is faithful to me. I honestly don't think I would have made it through losing Hailey if I didn't have my relationship with my Savior. But even though I had that relationship and that faith, as you all know if you've read my blog before, it doesn't make life perfect and my faith has been shaken and I have questioned.

For awhile I did feel that my future was hopeless. I feared I would never experience full happiness or contentment again. I feared I would never have anything to look forward to or be excited about again. For awhile, I really felt like my life was over. From the moment we learned that Hailey was going to die, I struggled in vain to have a picture of my future in my mind and the only thing I ever saw was black. It was black. It was empty. There was nothing there. And those moments made up my low points in this grieving process. Even as I began to experience God's healing and feel my mourning turn into dancing, my future still was black - like I was blindfolded and couldn't see. I didn't know, couldn't imagine, what God planned for my life after Hailey.

I honestly never thought I could be excited about something again. I don't think there is anything more exciting in life than when you bring a new life into this world. The excitement in preparing for Hailey, feeling her and seeing her growing in my belly, preparing to deliver her and bring her into this world was indescribable. Nothing can compare to the excitement in having such an intimate part in God's creation of life.

But for me, I experienced that heightened, ultimately intense excitement destroyed before I even knew what happened. So in my future, when I thought about if I would ever be excited again... one, I never thought there would be anything that would happen that could bring me excitement again because nothing compares ...and two, after having that excitement turned into tragedy, would I ever allow myself to feel or be capable of feeling excited again - would it stay or be destroyed too?

But for the first time, this past week, I have felt excited again. It was a truly unexpected gift from God. I am excited to be excited again. To go from a place where it feels impossible and incomprehensible to be excited and look forward to something, to suddenly find yourself there... is... AMAZING.

So what have I been excited about?

Well for one, as I'm sure you could have guessed... Hailey's Hope is bringing me such excitement. I am seeing God doing amazing things and it's only been a week! I am so excited to be doing something in memory of her that will share her life with others. And more importantly, I am so excited to be able to give and bless others who really need it. To provide someone who has a baby in a NICU with a source of comfort, support, encouragement, and HOPE.... is going to be AMAZING. I am so looking forward to seeing what will be accomplished through Hailey's Hope. Not to mention, I am so excited about some of the donations I have lined about by simply reaching out and asking - following God's nudge and asking complete strangers and seeing the blessings abound in that - AMAZING.

And yesterday. Yesterday was probably the most exciting day of my life since we lost Hailey. I keep telling Josh I had such an AMAZING time yesterday and had so much fun...but I'm not sure he really understands what yesterday meant to me.

Yesterday was Family Day. You see, for those of you who don't know, my husband is a pilot in the Army. In college he was in ROTC, he received his degree in Aviation, and he is a fixed winged pilot (private, commercial, all that jazz). But I never really saw him fly. One day he called me and told me he was flying over our apartment and I went out on to our balcony and saw a plane. But that is the only time I've ever seen him fly. And now that he is in Flight School training to become a helicopter pilot (of what specific aircraft we don't know yet), he flies helicopters every day...but I've never seen him fly. Until yesterday.

At Family Day the Army invites all of the flight students' families to come watch them fly. I was so exited in my anticipation of this day...and excited that it was finally here. The day was gorgeous. Blue skies. Mid 80s. Nice breeze. We drove out to the airfield where we received a safety brief - which basically told is to stay off the landing strips and that is was going to be loud so we might want to use ear plugs. Josh called and told me what his aircraft number was "zero seven delta." And then the families waited for their loved ones to come flying in.

Then we saw the first helicopter come into view. As it started descending, I searched for the number... and to my delight it was Josh's helicopter! 07D. My husband was the first one to fly in! And then he did some hovering and other maneuvers right in front of the crowd of families. That was my husband! For the next hour and a half, I had the pleasure of watching my husband taking off, flying, hovering, landing, etc. I could have watched him flying all day. Finally I was able to see what he could do, what he worked hard at, what he was talented at, what he could do that not many others could do. I have always been proud of his decision to become an officer in the Army, but yesterday I was more proud of him than I had ever been before.

When his turn was over, he landed and joined us for lunch. He showed us around the stationary helicopter there. We took lots of pictures... when I say lots... I mean hundreds...no joke. I made him take tons of pictures with me, with his helmet on, me with his helmet on, outside of the helicopter, inside of the helicopter, and so on. To say I had fun would be an understatement. I felt like a little kid at a carnival or something. I had a really good time. I had an AMAZING time.



And while I was there having an amazing time, I kept thinking about the things I wrote in this post - how I never thought I'd feel excitement again but there I was excited to the core. And it was AMAZING.

And of course there were ample opportunities to be sad yesterday. It was family day and our family is incomplete. I was childless surrounded by wives with their children. I watched a dad place his helmet on his 3 year old little girl and take pictures with her. That sight would have destroyed me a few months ago. And it could have destroyed me yesterday. The thoughts crept into my mind... "Hailey should be here. Josh should be taking pictures with Hailey and me. I should be pointing up at the sky telling Hailey that that's her dad flying up there." But they did not make me sad... Why?

Because I knew that if God wanted her to, Hailey was watching Josh fly too. Heck, she probably watched him fly since his first flight here.

I am so thankful that I have the hope and the knowledge and full confidence that Hailey is in Heaven. Because if I didn't, yesterday, and every other single day, would be the worst day of my life.

Josh and I watched the movie Love Happens last night... a movie that has grief at its core. In the movie there is a father who is struggling with the death of his child, his son. At one point he yells in angry, frustrated grief that he doesn't have his son...his son is in a box. Ugh. That thought hits me to the core and makes me feel breathless, like the wind is knocked out of me. And in response I thought, that's us, that's me. I do not have my daughter... she is in a box in the ground. Wham. The wind is knocked out of me again.

Could there be any worse thought to think than that? ...

But you know what, I catch my breath quickly and have a wave of relief overcome me after that. Why? Because that's not it. That's not the end...not for her...not for us. Hailey's body is in a box yes. But Hailey... my Hailey that I knew...is not in that box. My Hailey is full and complete and living the life God designed her to live with him in Heaven. That truth, is why I was able to have a good day yesterday.

And lastly, just one more thing I have to share. I was listening to a Christian radio station on the way home from exercising this week. The host was discussing his best friend's wife dying from cancer. The friend, the host, described his best friend's wife's funeral...

My friend stood up, tears streaming down his face. And I just thought .... what are you doing? You are devastated. Stop playing strong Christian and sit down. No one expects you to stand up and say anything. But there he was standing... He [the husband] said, "Today is the happiest day of my life." And here I am thinking have you lost your mind?! Your wife is dead and tears are streaming down your face. This is not the happiest day of your life. Stop trying to fake it. But my friend continued, "My wife is buried in her wedding dress, and I want to tell you why. Before she died we discussed it and this is what she wanted. She wanted to be buried her in her wedding dress because the happiest moment in our lives together was during our wedding dance, and today she is Jesus' bride and she is dancing the wedding dance with him in Heaven. There is no tragedy in losing my wife. The only tragedy is if you leave today not knowing that same Jesus who my wife is dancing with in Heaven."

Wow. Powerful. Of course as I heard that I began crying. Why? Because I can relate to that man...and I know not many others can understand it... and that is the tragedy. I felt the same way at Hailey's memorial service. I felt strong and remembered thinking that people probably thought there was something wrong with me for not being crumpled in heap weeping the entire time. I wanted to rejoice in her life and share her life and God's love for her, for us, at her service. Her death was not a tragedy as one might think... yes it has the potential to be a tragic, devastating event... but God changes it. He gives us love....and HOPE. And the only tragedy...is if you don't know his love...and his hope.

Blessings and Answered Prayers

Well this week has been the polar opposite of last week. Last week I hit a lot of lows, and this week I've hit a lot of highs.

For starters, Hailey's Hope has been amazing for me. It's another thing that God is using to bring healing to my broken heart. As many of you know, at one point my mind was spending most of its time worry about the future. Most of those "future" thoughts included questions and worries about what I was going to do with my life now that I can no longer be the stay-at-home mom I had planned on being. I knew I wasn't ready to go back to doing what I used to do and what I love, which is teaching (and practically speaking when we're only going to be in Alabama for another year, starting a full time position regardless of the situation I'm in isn't ideal). I also didn't know if I was even ready to have a part time job of subbing or something else. Thankfully, the Army provides well for us, and I do not have to work unless I want to, and Josh supports that.

But still... If you know me, by nature I keep myself busy and working and doing so makes me feel like I have a purpose and feel valued. I have kept a busy lifestyle since I was at least 16 years old. In addition to being a full time student in both high school and college, I played sports, was always involved in at least one other activity - whether it was the National Honor Society or tutoring students after school, and I always held a part time job. My days were often 12hrs or longer only to come home to eat, study, and go to sleep. Even once I graduated from college, I continued the busy lifestyle that is so common for people to have these days. I worked full time, helped coach students for speech team before or after school, took graduate classes, and volunteered during my summers off.

Since Hailey passed away, this is the first time in over 10 years that I have found myself with so much "free" time. Now please don't get a picture of me laying on the couch in my pj's all day eating bon bons... Even though I don't have a job, I keep myself busy with things I always wished I had time for... reading, writing/blogging, scrapbooking, cooking, and exercising (lots of exercising, although apparently I need more...but that's another post), and I've been involved with a Bible study and volunteering with a church's youth group. So I guess I am an active housewife...but I'm still not the stay-at-home mom I wanted to be.

And my mind and heart have wrestled with where God wanted me to be now that my plans for my future were thrown out the window. I wanted God to use my life however he wanted to. Have you ever given yourself to God like that? Take me, use me God! ... It's kind of scary  not gonna lie... But I wanted to fulfill God's purpose for my life, and I wanted him to tell me what I should be doing in the next year we're living in Alabama... and tell me NOW God... but of course... God doesn't work according to our demands. God tells me to be be still and wait on him. You know, that whole patience thing we're not so good at.

Well, awhile back I felt God began to answer my prayers through my blog - I felt like he wanted me to do it...but I knew there had to be more... Now, through this project I've started, Hailey's Hope, I feel that God is giving me another answer to my question of what he wants me to do. Don't you love when God answers prayers - and you know it! :) I do!

Since I do not have any part time or full time work commitments, I have a lot of time that God has given me that I can put toward making Hailey's Hope successful. I feel like all of this free time that I have, that I was sort of uncomfortable and feeling guilty about having, was given to me by God so that I would be able to devote myself to this project, that I believe is His. So far, even though this project is technically 3 days old, I am loving what I am doing. I love that it provides a way for me to share Hailey's, and my, stories of hope... stories that an outsider (and me at times) might see as hopeless... but we have a hope, and I love that this project will allow me to share that hope. I love that this project is helping to heal me, but that it is not just for me... I really love that it will help babies who are in NICUs and their families. I love that Hailey's Hope provides a way to give hope to and share God's love with those who are in need of it. I love that I can give something to others.

So first blessing and answered prayer = Hailey's Hope!

Here are the rest of my blessings and answered prayers...

1. I personally have seen Project Sweet Pea climb from 19th place to 11th place in the Pepsi Refresh Project and it has been AWESOME!

And of course, last week I had been feeling a lack of support...this week I am overwhelmed with support...

2. The parents of Project Sweet Pea have amazing stories and have been a tremendous source of support and encouragement in my life and with Hailey's Hope.

3. Hailey's Hope's Facebook page reached 100 fans in only 2 days!

4. I have been somewhat worried/nervous about how I would be able to make Hailey's Hope successful and how to encourage others to give to our project, so of course I prayed about it (and am continuing to do so)... and so the first items to be donated to Hailey's Hope are accredited to nothing other than God being at work and weaving together my life with the life of another Christian woman who also experienced the loss of a child, and God answering prayers. Here is an excerpt from the note I wrote on Hailey's Hope's Facebook page:

As I began thinking and praying about Hailey's Hope, how to make it successful, what kind of items we could have donated to our begs, how I can encourage people to give donations, etc. A thought popped into my head about how wonderful it would be to include a book like Rain on Me in our project's gift bags. Having a baby in a NICU surely qualifies as a 'storm' in life, and I wished I had had a book like this to read while I was in the hospital with Hailey. It is so comforting and healing.

I decided, why not ask the author if she would consider donating some of her books to Hailey's Hope? Yesterday I emailed the author and told her a bit about Hailey, Hailey's Hope, how her book has affected me, and asked her if she would consider donating any copies to our project or offering me a discount if I purchase in bulk...

Well to my surprise she emailed me back within a couple of hours and not only offered to give copies of her book to Hailey's Hope, but told me to look through DaySpring's online store and make a list of things I could include in our bags (if you're not familiar with DaySpring it's like a Christian Hallmark company), and since she works for DaySpring she is going to see what additional items can be donated to us!!

"Ask and it will be given to you." Matthew 7:7

Pepsi Refresh Project

If you have become a fan of Hailey's Hope on Facebook or if you are my friend on Facebook, then you are probably already familiar with the Pepsi Refresh Project...and this post isn't really for you (but you can read anyway if you want!)... This post is for you who are out of my Facebook loop.

First, a little bit about the Pepsi Refresh Project...

Pepsi is looking for people, businesses, and non-profits with ideas that will have a positive impact, and they are giving away millions of dollars to help fund these great ideas. Each month, Pepsi is awarding grants of all sizes: $5,000, $25,000, $50,000, and $250,000, and they are awarding grants to the top 10 ideas in most grant categories.

Why is this special to me?

Project Sweet Pea (which Hailey's Hope is a local project of) is in the running for a $25,000 grant. When I started voting the project was at around 19 place I believe. Then it moved up to 17... then 15... And today we hit 13th place! We only need to move up 3 more places to make it into the top 10 and receive grant money. Voting continues until April 30th. You are given 10 votes a day but you can only vote once per project per day.

Today is the official LAUNCH date of Hailey's Hope!

Finally I can fully reveal what I have been hinting at over the past week or so on my blog and my facebook... Are you ready for my breaking news?!

We're starting a project called Hailey's Hope, and we're soooo excited!!!!!

Simply speaking, Hailey's Hope will donate gift bags to families who have babies in the NICUs at The Children's Hospital of Alabama. I am the project leader so I am responsible for gathering donations, creating the bags, and delivering them. My project is possible thanks to the support of a larger organization of parents just like me, who have had the experience of having a child in a NICU and are looking to give back and help provide items that will support and comfort the babies and families; this organization is called Project Sweet Pea.

For more information, I have created a separate page in my blog dedicated to all things Hailey's Hope - please visit this page today! There you will find more information about Hailey's Hope, Project Sweet Pea, what these gift bags include, and how you can help!

I have also created a Facebook page for Hailey's Hope (I hope that link will work!)- you can become a fan and keep updated with what's going on with our project there. I want to spread the word as much as possible and get as many people involved as I can! This project will not be possible without donations from people like YOU!

Let's remember Hailey and bless other families!

Pink Azaleas for Hailey

Yesterday we planted our flowers, and we bought a special one for Hailey. I'd like to say we chose a type of flower that had a special meaning or symbolism associated with it, but we didn't... We chose one based purely on its looks. We went not knowing what we could find for Hailey, but we knew it would be a special pink one. When we arrived at the store, we didn't have to do much searching through the gigantic collection of colorful flowers. These special pink ones were the most beautiful of all.



I guess if I wanted to try to get all 'meaningful' - I could say the flowers seem delicate like Hailey. And apparently, the flowers blossom in the spring and are gone within a few weeks... a short, but beautifully bright life, like Hailey's.



We placed Hailey's flowers on the table on our front porch. We can see them when we pull up our driveway, we can see them from looking out our front window as we sit on our couch inside, and they can greet guests who come through our front door - hopefully bringing a bit of cheer to all who see them, including us.

When it rains, it pours...My mess after the storm...

(Disclaimer: This will probably be a long one...there are probably like 3 posts in one, and it might be a little all over the place...but I have a lot I need to get off my chest so bear  with me please...)

My Grief This Week, Mostly Yesterday...

It seems like it always happens that just when I seem to be doing really well with my grief, life is looking good again, I'm finding joy and blessings around me, and I write a post about it - that that's when things come crashing down on me. I hit a lot of highs over the past couple of weeks; I should have known a low was building up waiting to come crashing down on me... Dumb grief.

This week wasn't an altogether bad week or anything. But for some reason I found myself crying more. I guess if I look around I can probably pin point some things that led to that...

For instance, it was the 3 month anniversary of Hailey's passing...and no one said anything to me about her on that day...or about me and how I was doing. And I wish people said things about her more or asked about me/us more or just gave us a "thinking about you today" more - but maybe they don't because they think I need it since I share it all on here? Or maybe it's because I try to play strong girl and I do it so well that people don't think I need any of their support? Well I do... I really do need it...

Then, I finished the pages in Hailey's scrapbook (all I have to do is put it together today), and the pages I worked on this week were on the end of her life. I cried while I put most of them together and as my eyes reread some of the sympathy cards we were sent. I think it caught me off guard that those final pages in her scrapbook might be hard - I should have known, but I didn't expect it for some reason.

And then I am still working on trying to order Hailey's grave marker and ran into some minor difficulties in doing that, nothing really was that big of a deal...but for me, it was emotionally hard already to do it and then once things appeared to be not going smoothly, I pretty much just lost it and there were more tears spilled over the grave marker than there needed to be I'm sure...

Not to mention every time I got in the car this week and drove somewhere, 99% of the time, the song "Heaven is the Face" played. This was the song I first heard when we had Hailey and we chose to play it at her memorial service. It's so fitting for us and I really do find it to be a beautiful song, but this week I just couldn't take hearing it every time I went somewhere.

And let's just say my emotions being all over the place this week could have been influenced by PMS... possibly...

Plus, it just seems like everyone I know - friends, family, and even those I don't know but come into contact with daily - is having or has had a healthy baby. And this week I guess was one of those weeks I couldn't handle it very well. The "Why me?" thoughts came back. Why did I have to lose my baby? Why do they get their babies - even when some of them didn't plan it or didn't know - and I don't? It' so unfair. All these babies are celebrated and mine is buried in the ground and no one mentions her and no one wonders how I am dealing with that. It's not fair... And then the companions to those questions involve questions like these:  Is this God punishing me? What did I do to deserve it? Is it my fault? Ugh... I hate that ugly place in my grief. I thought I had conquered it, but it's back....and I just want to scream.

Along those lines, my grief went to a new place yesterday. I really felt/feel(?) like a failure. I feel like I failed Hailey. I feel like I was too selfish, I feel like I didn't show her enough love, I feel like I didn't hold her enough, I wonder about some of the decisions we made, and I just feel like I failed her as her mother. I think Josh hit this point before I did. One of the most difficult things for him was when we found out Hailey had Trisomy 18 and that it was incurable and untreatable. He wanted to fix her and make her better and he couldn't... we couldn't... and this hit him early on. For some reason I guess mine took a few months to fully hit me. And I know if I get logical, I shouldn't feel like a failure... but that really doesn't change the fact that I do...

Maybe my PMS this week just made me throw pity parties for myself? I don't know.

I struggle, God speaks...

God really has perfect timing and I'm so thankful when I see that. I have been reading two devotionals (as I mentioned in my last post)...well last night's devotions from each were perfect.

The devotion from Grieving the Child I Never Knew starts with these words:

"Sirens blare. The sky darkens. Trees rock frantically back and forth. The wind whirls violently. A funnel-shaped cloud descends. All warning signs a tornado is coming - and you'd better head for cover" (p. 26)."At times in your grief journey you may detect a storm coming. You may sense sirens blaring in your soul. Your mood darkens or you feel frantic. Emotions whirl violently as the reality of your loss starts to descend on you" (p. 27).

Ha...how perfect God? Did you know we had a tornado in our town yesterday? This was my facebook status:

Kristin  is having a hard day today :( ... spending this gloomy day in dothan running errands ... “Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.”

Yesterday at 11:29am

Kristin

maybe going to dothan after the tornado passes??

Yesterday at 12:06pm ·

Cetty

Let it rain.

Yesterday at 3:12pm ·

Ilea

did you mean a literal tornado or an emotional tornado?

11 hours ago ·

Kristin

haha... literal, but emotional works too :)

11 hours ago ·

Kristin

(there was a tornado spotted a few miles from our house)

My friend recognized  that my reference to a tornado in light of what I had written before could have been figurative applying to how I felt emotionally... Well she was actually right...And so was the devotional I read last night.

There was a tornado in my town and in my life yesterday. At first it started with a drop of rain, and then more, and then harder, and then the wind gusts pick up... and then the grief hits with all its destruction full force...quite the perfect analogy yesterday.

My other devotional had a different topic, but it was one that hit home yesterday. It focused on the verse: "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15 And talked about how God doesn't intend for us to go through our storms alone. "We all need 'foul-weathered friends' who will venture out into the weather with us. Storms and sorrow both lose some of their strength when they are shared" (p.28). The reflect questions were hard for me and I didn't answer them. "Who will walk through the rain with you? What makes it hard for you to share your struggles with others?" Ugh... I don't know Lord! That is where I seem to be stuck this week.

Talking is hard for me. I am not a big talker. I'm pretty quiet and introverted - unless I know you really well. I'm an observer, not the center of attention. And I'm not a phone person, I'm an email or text person. But I can pour my soul out on here, but my blog allows me to distance myself in some way and hide behind the text. I can pour my soul out to my husband, and to my God... but for me to pour my soul out in conversation, it doesn't happen often. I rarely cry in front of people, even if I want to I try to hide back tears the best I can. I don't really know why, that's just who I am. And I am not one by nature who says I need help to someone. I'm too independent and probably too stubborn to do that. I play strong girl and I play it too well sometimes. I mean don't get me wrong, God has given me true strength... but I think it makes me distance myself from others allowing them to think I don't need any help...when I do...

I don't know if help is the right word though. I don't want help. I don't want someone to listen to me cry. I know some people do want that and that is all good. But that's not what I want. I guess what I find myself wanting these days are the people in my life to show me that Hailey existed and still means something... and I want their support and encouragement and to see they care...and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that these things never happen...but I need them to happen more...

Like as I mentioned on the 3 month anniversary of Hailey passing... no one said anything to me...about Hailey...about me... that hurts and makes it feel like we don't matter. Another childless mother blogged on Easter about all the wonderful mementos and gifts her friends and family had given her to brighten her Easter without her child - like Easter eggs with her daughter's name on them and such. Why doesn't anyone do something like that for Hailey/ me? I wonder why I had to go searching for all of these books on grief - why didn't anyone think to give me one? On facebook I've been supporting this Pepsi Refresh $25,000 giveaway for Project Sweet Pea in honor of Hailey and yesterday's share asked people to share it too if they knew a baby who spent time in a NICU, no one I knew shared it. Why?

Does my independent, strong personality turn people off from helping me in these ways? Is it my fault because I want people to give me support when I'm not actively seeking it - because I don't ask? Do people really not care or think about us? Or do they just not know what to say or feel they need to say anything? Is it from people reading my blog and seeing that I'm doing well that they think I don't need anything? Why is it that it seems like most of the support went shortly after Hailey was buried? And then I wonder, am I just being selfish again? Am I making something out of nothing? Am I just finding reasons to throw myself a pity party? I don't know...Probably. But yesterday these questions were hitting me hard and really frustrating me and bringing me down.

I know many of these thoughts and questions are illogical or something...but I have them nonetheless and I needed to get them out. I always said I'd be honest in writing about my grief...whether I'm right or wrong in it...So thanks for listening to be blabber on and on.

Another 3 month anniversary...

Well this is what I meant to write today's post about...but then other things happened...

3 months ago today I saw my daughter for the last time. I kissed her forehead for the last time. 3 months ago today we buried our daughter...

And I've been wanting to write about something since we buried her... I've been wanting to explain something, even though I know I don't need to...But I'm going to anyway...

Is there anything harder than seeing a tiny casket? I remember watching an episode of Oprah on the life of Mattie Stepanek (an episode I showed to several of my classes when I was teaching), a remarkable little boy who passed away from Dysautonomic Mitochondrial Myopathy in 2004. In reflecting about the day of his funeral and burial, Oprah says something like... "And it's really hard to see a little casket." Boy I remember choking up every time during that part. And then when I was around 30 weeks pregnant, we went to church and the pastor mentioned how he had recently done the funeral and burial of an infant...and he talks about how hard it was to see that tiny casket...and of course I cried that day in church, I couldn't imagine burying my baby that was on the way...little did I know that I would have to do just that...Oh it's sooo hard to see a little casket...

Well we had the option of having Hailey's casket open or closed during her memorial service. We chose open. And that's what I want to talk about...

I know many people who came to pay their respects and show us support didn't want to or didn't go up to Hailey's casket. And I don't blame them. It's not something people want to see, a tiny casket with a tiny baby in it. I don't think I could have done it had it not been my daughter.

I knew that having an open casket would be harder on people, and I understand why. But I want to share why we did it...at least my personal reasons...

First of all, I know this is weird to say, and maybe you can only understand if you bury your child, but she looked good. Sometimes, oh this is so morbid I know, but sometimes the bodies of the deceased don't look good and that's why people have a closed casket...But Hailey looked good, almost better than she did on some of her bad days...

I wanted her casket open because I wanted people to see my daughter. Since she lived in AL, most of our friends and family never had an opportunity to see her (other than photos posted online) and they never had a chance to meet her. Never in a million years did I want them to meet her like this...but that's the only option I had. And I wanted them to meet my baby.... I felt like if they didn't see her, it would be even more like she didn't exist. She would be so far removed from our family... to me it would have been like they would have never known we had a daughter...

And I did it for me, for us... I wanted to look at her for as long as I could... 36 days just doesn't seem like enough sometimes. And I know that wasn't really Hailey, she was gone... but it was her body God gave her for her time here... And I just couldn't say goodbye to that part of her yet...But are we ever ready to say goodbye?

So that's why we had an open casket. I knew it would be really hard for people, and I didn't do it to make it hard on them. It was something we needed to do.

Wrapping up these random thoughts...

So that's where I'm at today... or yesterday... And I feel slightly better already by giving a name to all those thoughts that eat away at me. But my soul still feels the damage left over from the storm.... Today is a new day. And thank God the sun is shining today! Today I am going to officially finish Hailey's scrapbook and put it all together. That will feel good to do. And I think I'm going to finally make my way over to Lowe's to buy some flowers and plant them today... who doesn't like flowers? So I'm hoping that today will be a better day... and praying that God will help me clean up the damage and brokenness yet again...

P.S. God speaks again, after I published this post... this is the headline of my online devotional this morning... Hmm... could you be talking to me God?

"God is not pleased when we allow pride and self-sufficiency to prevent us from accepting help when we really need it."

My book-loving soul rejoices over these books!

(I can't believe that this post will make 7 days in a row! yikes! I hope you're not getting tired of me yet!)

Can I tell you how hard it was for me to find a good book on grief and/or infant loss when Hailey passed? Very hard! No one knew of any. A pastor recommended a few - none of which I could find in a store around here anywhere! I found a few on my own at the library, but they were duds. And don't get me wrong, there are a lot of books on grief out there... but nothing was quite fitting what I was looking for ...

Finally I ordered (and finally received after a huge ordeal with Borders) one of the books that was recommended to my by the pastor. Then I came across a devotional style book that looked encouraging on Amazon and ordered that with my Borders order (that again finally came after a big mix up over a month after I was supposed to receive it). And then, through a blog I came across and started following, I found another hopeful devotional written by the author of the blog.

Well, I am rejoicing over how wonderful these 3 books are! And I have to share them on here (and I will add them to my "Turn Mourning into Dancing" page later under my book resources).

Book #1: I'll Hold You in Heaven by Jack W. Hayford

Wonderful, wonderful, Biblical-based resource on the death of a child - through miscarriage, tubal pregnancy, early infant death, or abortion. It's a short read, but has great depth in meaning and content. I really can't praise this book enough. If you know anyone who has experienced a loss in any of the ways I have mentioned - even family members of someone who experienced the loss - please recommend this book. It speaks Truth and comfort.

Book #2: Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg



This book has 31 daily devotionals that cover a range of topics dealing with the loss of a child. Each devotional includes a Bible verse, the author's personal discussion of a topic (the author lost 4 babies), a prayer, and "steps toward healing" which includes a set of questions and space in the book for you to journal your answers. I've done 2 of the devotionals so far and wish I had had this 3 months ago! It really helps you sort through your feelings and address your grief in healthy ways. It also has a section that suggests which devotions to do on certain days (like birthdays, Mother's Day, etc.).

Book #3: Rain on Me by Holley Gerth

This book is also a devotional style resource. Even though I'm listing this book third, it is one of my favorite books I have come across! I really love it so far! The book has 40 daily devotionals and is similar in style to the devotional listed above. It begins with a Bible verse, includes the author's personal discussion of a topic, has a section of scripture for you to read on your own, then has a "reflect" section that again includes questions and a place in the book to write answers, and it ends with a "respond" where it begins a prayer that you finish and write. The author experienced the loss of a child; however, the devotional is designed for ANY storm a person might be facing. It is not specific to child loss. So I really recommend this for anyone! Again, I'm only on day two, but it's awesome! I'm thinking I might start doing some of my devotions from the book on my blog because it's so great so far!

I will also say, I read Empty Cradle, Broken Heart - it's okay, but it lacked Truth and Hope if you know what I mean...

Hailey's 3 Month Heavenly Birthday, Finding Healing In the Midst of Grief

Three months ago today was probably the most devastating day of my entire life. Before it felt like time was speeding by and it didn't feel real when 1 month passed, then 2 months... but now at 3 months... I really feel like it's been a very long time since I last held Hailey in my arms... It feels so long ago. I feel like I've literally been to the end of the world and back. This journey has taken its toll on me. I feel aged beyond my 25 years. I once referenced someone referring to their journey through grief as a journey of expansion...an expansion of the soul...and boy do I feel that now. But it's a good expansion.

I wrote one post about the day Hailey passed away and that is probably all I will ever write about it. I can remember the day, but I don't like spending much time in that memory and dwelling on the details and feelings. Today is not a day of remembering what it was like the day she passed away.

Again, I choose to focus on the joy Hailey's life brought to us and celebrate her. And I focus on the truth that on January 6, 2010 Hailey slipped from our care into the arms of her Heavenly Father - truly the best place for her to be. I know she is having a blast in heaven, and I have great comfort in knowing that she is thriving in the place Jesus prepared especially her in His big, big House.

So today, I'm sure there will be moments in my day where tears will come to my eyes briefly. But I am still doing okay, only thanks to God. Prayer still carries me through my days. And even if you know me and have seen the healing God is working in me, I just ask that you continue to lift up myself and Josh in prayer... we still need it, today and every day.

So 3 months have passed...

How have I been handling my grief so well? How have I found healing and joy?

1. God. God. God. -99% God. I have leaned on Him, depended upon Him, trusted in Him, rededicated my life to serving Him, prayed to Him (others prayers for me), spent time with Him, worshiped Him, clung to His promises, and He is faithful.

2. My husband -my best friend. his love, support, understanding, comfort, prayer, encouragement...

3. Taking care of myself physically - I gained 35 lbs with Hailey and I wanted to lose my pregnancy weight - so having that goal to get back to my normal weight was a great excuse for me to eat right and exercise. Eating right and exercising every day has felt sooo good - not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. Not to mention, it got me out of the house so I didn't isolate myself. It got me feeling better about myself. And those endorphins really help combat feelings of depression.

4. My blog - writing down and expressing my thoughts, feelings, memories, and so on have been so awesome for me. I needed a way to tell others about my daughter, because her short life matters. I needed a way for me to release my emotions and my grief and not hide them away in a dark place. My writing is very therapeutic for me.

5. Reading - If you visit my Turn Mourning into Dancing page, you will see a list of resources from books to song lyrics to articles, etc. Reading about grief, reading stories of parents who have experienced loss in a similar way, reading blogs of other Christian women who have lost a child, reading inspirational stories, and I could go on and on. I find reading to be comforting, reassuring, inspiring, and hopeful when I find others who have experienced a similar tragedy, have seen God use it for good, and seeing how those people remember their children and continue on with their lives.

6. Opie - Our dog has been a great companion to us, especially me, since Hailey passed (and always). There's nothing better than a puppy who licks your tears away, makes you laugh when all you want to do is cry, and gives you hugs and cuddles when you need it. No words need to be spoken - "He knows." Opie is a source of joy in my life and sometimes I feel as though, even though his behavior is not always angelic, that he is an angel in disguise that God gave to me (I know that's probably not Biblical, but that's the best way I can describe his impact on me).

7. Finding other ways to remember Hailey and serve others - Again, things like my blog, Hailey's scrapbook I'm making, etc. Keep your eyes peeled for a post that I will be writing soon. I have something new I'm working on! If you can't take the suspense, here's a hint: visit Project Sweet Pea.

What about the support of family and friends?

Everyone supports us, but it's hard to feel a lot of their support right now - mostly because the majority of them live in IL and we live in AL which makes it difficult. Plus, my family is also dealing with their own grief over Hailey and my dad. When we had Hailey's memorial service and burial, the support we had then was overwhelming, but now as life is going on, it's not really there. The things that mean the most to me that friends and family are doing now are praying for us, letting us know they're praying for us or thinking of us by sending a card or a note on facebook or whatever - but those come few and far between now.... The best form of support we have had since we buried Hailey and continued on with our lives has probably been our OCF small group - their friendship, their prayers, etc.

Have I joined a grief support group?

No. I personally don't feel like I need to. I am finding support in other ways, and I'm honestly not sure I could handle other people's grief right now.

Have I sought grief counseling?

Sort of. We had a meeting with a local pastor once, but honestly, it didn't really help all that much. He was not exactly prepared for grief counseling, and most of what we discussed were things Josh and I already knew and were doing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So really, with all that said, I am in a good place right now with my grief. I am feeling God's healing. I can still find hope and peace and joy and I thank God for that. But I just have to add a little disclaimer, if you are grieving or know someone who is and there is no healing going on and you feel poor in spirit and whether you're a Christian or not - I am not saying I am better than you, or this is what you should be like 3 months after losing someone, or that you're 'less of a Christian' for not being in the place that I am ... I am not trying to say any of that... but what I do want to make clear, for anyone who has or is grieving over the loss of anyone, God will heal you if you let him and He really can turn mourning into dancing. I am living proof of those miracles.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hailey - Momma loves you! And daddy loves you! And Opie loves you! Happy 3 month Birthday in Heaven! I can't even imagine what Jesus has in store for you today! Wish we were there to celebrate with you, we will one day. Sending all of our love and kisses to you!

What's in a name?

I am self-proclaimed bookworm, and you can often find me with my nose stuck in a book, especially at night before I go to bed. For the past year or so, I have immersed myself in a wonderful Christian fiction series for women called The Yada Yada Prayer Group. (This weekend I finished book number 5).

The main character - who I can relate to in too many ways - just to name a few: she lives in the suburbs of Chicago (where I'm from), she's a teacher, and she plays Dutch Blitz with her family (love that game!) - has this thing for names. She started a tradition in her classroom and in her prayer group where she researches the meaning behind their names and creates gifts based upon that name and of course she's often happily surprised (as are others) to find that the meaning of peoples' names usually tend to suit them quite well.

So in honor of my love behind this inspiring series ... I thought I would make this post about names...of course I knew most of these things before... but thought it would be wonderful to share and remember.

Do you think these names fit us?

Name: Kristin

Origin: Latin; German


Meaning: Follower of Christ; A Christian; Anointed

most people would imagine a person with the name Kristin to be: A slender lady with an angelic face and heart

My opinion: I have to say I love the meaning of my name and it is so true. And I found this one name website that gave the last tidbit - laughed when I read it, don't know where they came up with it, but if only I could live up to it I would love it - haha! :)

Name: Hailey

Origin: English; Scandinavian


Meaning: Hay meadow; Hero or Heroine; Courageous


most people would imagine a person with the name Hailey to be: A spunky tomboy who is a bit of a rascal

My opinion: As I've mentioned before in earlier posts, Hailey proved to be an incredibly courageous baby. And heroine is defined as a woman who demonstrates courage and daring action - again, I feel this is true of Hailey. The last tidbit I thought was funny again, I wonder if she would have lived up to this if she could have stayed with us and grown up. I will say I would describe her personality as spunky at times.

Name: Joshua

Origin: Hebrew

Meaning: God is salvation

most people would imagine a person with the name Joshua to be: Tall, suave and sexy chap

My opinion: The meaning of my husband's name is true for his belief, is what he taught me, and is my belief. Love it. And I'd imagine we both love the last tidbit for his name... haha so fun!

Happy Easter!

A quick happy to share

My friend and I used to call anything that happened to us that made us happy a happy or happies - we changed the adjective into a noun.

So today, just a quick happy to share...

On Hailey's 4 month birthday, I received the best, unexpected present in the mail.

New pictures of Hailey that I had never seen before! I don't think there is anything better. When you lose a child, the pictures you have are the pictures you have. There will never be anymore. I remember feeling sad the day I uploaded the last images I had of Hailey to my 3rd facebook album containing her pictures.

But then, when we came back from her memorial service and our stay back home, I had our pictures from Now I Lay Me Down to sleep. New pictures when I thought there would be no more. Another gift with perfect timing.

And then almost 3 months since Hailey passed, I really thought I would never see or have any new pictures of her.

But I was wrong! My mom had taken pictures (on her ancient 35mm camera) of Hailey and us during her stay here right before Hailey passed away, and she just managed to send them to me now. I thought perhaps it would have been late timing, but God made it just right.

What a perfect present for me on Hailey's birthday. Again, new pictures when I thought there would be no more.

It's like seeing her again for the first time. Remembering more memories of her. They bring me back to her again. Seeing those new photos bring a new excitement and a new joy.

Definitely a happy. :)

Remembering the ulimate loss and sacrifice today

Today is another day of remembrance for me, and many other Christians around the world. Today is Good Friday. Today I remember the death of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Can you imagine someone choosing to die for you? Imagine that you deserve to suffer and die. And then someone who loves you, someone who is blameless and doesn't deserve it, takes your place. They choose to suffer and die in your place. Really, have you ever truly considered that? Can you imagine someone loving you that much that they want to save you from punishment and take it on themselves? ... wow... I'm not sure there's anything more powerful - especially in this world.

And that's what Jesus Christ did for me, for you, on the cross two thousand and some years ago - because of love.... you know the verse: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

I came across this image in a blog I follow the other day. At first I was a little disturbed by it. You may be too. It's an interesting take on the meaning of the crucifixion. It's gruesome. It's hard to look at. But think of what it represents. You can't deny that it's powerful.

To go along with the image, the blogger included lyrics from the song How deep the Father's love for us... "It was my sin that held Him there..."

Is it all depressing? Maybe if you don't understand what his choice of death meant, maybe if you don't know or believe the end of the story. For me, it's not depressing because it's not the end. The story of Jesus' death does not end with death, which is why I have the hope and joy and peace and so on that I do. And that is why Hailey's story doesn't end with her death either....

On the third day, Jesus rose again. On Sunday, I will celebrate His resurrection and the day He conquered death so I can have live and have hope in Him... so that I can be with Hailey again...

Today my heart cries out this song in worship of Jesus taking my place on the cross, dying for my sins, when I deserved death and he didn't. I live for Him because He died for me!

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
‘Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life’s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
‘til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

Jesus, Today I remember you and your work on the cross for ME. Thank you for my husband and using him to bring me back to you. Thank you for dying for me and saving me from death and eternal separation from the Father. Thank you for forgiving me of my sins. Thank you for loving me when I don't deserve it. What you did for me on the cross is hard to understand, but it brings me to my knees and I weep in gratitude that you love me that much. So Jesus, my Savior, my Comforter, my All-in All, today I come, help quiet my soul and my busy mind, as I remember redemption's hill where Your blood was spilled for my ransom. You were tempted and trialed. You bore my sin and my death. Lead me to the cross where your love poured out. Bring me to my knees. Lord I lay me down. Help me rid me of myself for I belong to You. Lead me to the cross. Lead me to your heart. In Your glorious name I pray, Amen!

What does the Bible say? Read Isaiah 53:4-6, Romans 5:8, 1Peter 3:18