Random musings...mostly about my guilt-complex

Well since my last post, I have actually had a couple of 'good' days in a row. Getting out of bed hasn't been so hard. I've managed to do several things I enjoy and have some fun. Unfortunately, having fun still comes with a guilt-complex for me. I wonder if/ when that will ever go away...

So I'll share something kind of random. I usually like to keep my toes and finger nails painted. My toes are usually painted 99% of the time - fingers not as often because they chip so much faster. But anyway, I am one who enjoys that part of 'my look.' However, I have not had my toes and nails painted since before I was very round with Hailey. While I was pregnant it just wasn't possible for me to reach my toes. After we had Hailey, it wasn't really high on my list of things to do - didn't have much time - and when I did have time to myself I wasn't interested in painting them. It's been over a month now since Hailey has passed and since then I have painted my nails once. Pink. For her memorial service. Toes, still nothing. What's keeping me? Honestly, my guilt-complex. I honestly cannot bring myself to paint my fingers or my toes. Weird right? Probably not a good thing either...

I suffer with this thing where I feel guilty now doing anything for 'me'. I'm pretty sure I mentioned this in an earlier post, but when we had Hailey I longed to do things for myself that I had enjoyed - I was quite selfish. I remember the times I had someone else hold her so I could read a book instead. Oh how I long to go back in time and change that. To get rid of all of my selfishness... But I can't. I was selfish a lot while taking care of Hailey... probably no more selfish than the average new mom... but it doesn't make a difference...So now, whenever I find myself doing something 'fun' that I would not have been able to do with a newborn around or anything to 'pamper' myself... I feel guilty NOW since I had wanted to do those things instead of spend time with Hailey. I feel that in some ways I'm punishing myself for the selfishness I had had... I know it's not a good thing and probably not what God wants for me to be doing... I'll try to work through it... but I'm not going to lie, part of me would rather punish myself and not have fun, etc. if that meant fixing the past selfishness I had with Hailey... :/

I know a lot of these thoughts/feelings are pretty 'silly' ... but they're there. There's always a twinge of guilt somewhere. But maybe I'll paint my nails for Valentine's Day - I need to do it sometime and what better time than that?

But selfishness is really something I'm struggling to deal with - selfishness in the past and in the present. I feel like even in dealing with Hailey's death, I'm still being selfish. I make it all about me. It's like my last post... I must think of her more, and myself less.

So tonight was the reunion night for our lamaze class - you know, the night that everyone comes back and brings their baby to show off. Well, obviously we didn't go... And I don't think anyone in our class will even know anything about Hailey... but it is what it is I guess. I can't do anything about it. I'm not sure what else to say about not being able to go tonight. It sucks. A lot. I mean, obviously we could have gone and shared about Hailey. But there is no way I could have handled that. Seeing everyone's babies while only having a picture of ours. Their babies would have been there, alive and well, our baby would be an image on a piece of paper... I wouldn't have been able to handle it emotionally. It would have hurt too bad being there. It hurts not being there, but not as bad as I thought it would be and not as bad as if we had gone... I guess that's probably because today is a 'good' day so far.

C.S. Lewis writes later in A Grief Observed that grief is more like suspense. It is for me now. I now anxiously wait for the moment that the grief will return and hit hard again... It will come. It always does. I hate that the one thing I've figured out is that I can't figure out when it's going to be the paralyzing hurt or the slight emptiness in my heart that's always there.

Tonight I went to an exercise class with a friend and the instructor said something at the beginning of class that we've all heard before, but hit home with me tonight. I spend a lot of time worrying and fearing for my future...what will my grief look like tomorrow? in a week? in a couple of months? a year? will the pain be just as bad years from now? how will I live without Hailey - what is that going to look like? how will I get through this? But God tells us, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" Matthew 6:34. ...and as I'm writing this, I'm remembering that this verse was actually referred to in our pastor's message this past Sunday... hmm...I think I heard you God. :)

So I guess my 'take away' from all of this is that I need to basically just stop. Be still. stop worrying about my future. live in the present.

...it's kind of funny...we almost bought Hailey a onesie to wear that had a present on it and said 'live in the present' because it was so fitting for her life... I guess that still holds true even now.

Oh Hailey Marie... you have taught me so much. I can't wait to have the time to write the post I've been longing to write ... about what you've taught me and others... We know that God's love reaches to the Heavens (Pslam 36:5) ... but so does ours for you. Praying that you know our love for you even though you're in Heaven and we're here without you. love you soooooo much munchy-kin.